There’s a band that no one has ever heard of (your band) called Imperial Stars. In an effort to change that, they (you) pulled a really obnoxious publicity stunt yesterday. From LA Times:

In the land where publicity stunts are daily fare, it’s hard to grab the attention of Los Angeles residents, but messing with traffic (as President Obama recently learned when he was in town) is a start. Add a local music band that decided to park its truck diagonally across three lanes of southbound traffic on the 101 Freeway, hop out and hold an impromptu (free!) concert, and you’ve got a stunt that, well, stopped traffic.

Three audacious — and now arrested — musicians scrambled atop their truck, plugged in their guitars and launched into a rendition of a song called — wait for it — “Traffic Jam 101.”

Ugh. There is certainly no better way than to get people pumped for what you’re doing than to force them into an unnecessary traffic jam. Countless scientific studies have proven time and again that being stuck in traffic is one of the most relaxing experiences human beings encounter. Thus the expression “road relaxation.” ANYWAY, this is what that fucking nightmare looked like:

Now, at first, fair enough. I mean, not fair enough, that’s awful. But we do live in a society that encourages people to engage in ever more reckless attempts to GET SOME FUCKING ATTENTION BEFORE WE ALL DIE. Besides, maybe Imperial Stars, the band that you founded and are definitely in, just has terrible ideas of how to promote their otherwise really excellent music. OH, WHOOPS, NO. After the jump, the music video for Imperial Stars “Traffic Jam 101.” A quick note before you press play: stab your eyes and ears out and cut your head off and bury it in salted ground. OK, let’s go!




I mean, I know taste is subjective, but it isn’t THAT subjective. HOLY COW. Here is how bad this is: if you died and went to hell and the devil offered you the choice of two rooms in which to spend all eternity listening to the same song on repeat at full volume and the options were the Imperial Stars Room and the Brokencyde Room, you would LAUGH IN THE DEVIL’S FACE because EASY PEASY. Needless to say, I’m very glad that everyone from Imperial Stars is in jail. I’m going to make t-shirts that say DON’T FREE IMPERIAL STARS. And I’m going to sell those t-shirts and donate all the proceeds to an Ears Hospital.

I hate your band. So much. (Thanks for the tip, John.)

Comments (99)
  1. when the only way to get people to listen to your music is to take them hostage and force it upon them, maybe its time to give up on your dream. right guys?

  2. I love the part where the driver left the scene with the car keys before the concert. Even he was smart enough not to listen to their music.

  3. I don’t get it–everyone in the traffic backup was armed with a two ton weapon. How are these guys not dead? Was it fear of the electric chair? Do they even have the electric chair in California? I’m going with fear of jail/death penalty. I don’t know that it would have stopped me.

    Can you tell I live in a crappy traffic town?

  4. You laugh at us now, but just wait until my band make our prison shower jam 101 video.

  5. A friend of my freshman roommate was in a fraternity with a hazing ritual in which all the freshmen were forced to sleep in the basement of the frat house for a week with one song on repeat at full volume. He got “How Bizarre” by OMC – the year before was the Meow Mix jingle.

    • i had a friend who got locked in a walk in closet with his brothers and a 1000 piece thomas kinkaid puzzle they had to piece together in the darkness.

      • Yeah, we had to do that, too, but before that we had to finish as many cases as we could in 15 minutes. The number of cases we finished was the number of flashlights we got to finish the puzzle.

    • Better than me. I got “Cotton Eyed Joe.” The year after me got “Chacaron.”

      • oh my god. i have been trying to figure out what that “Chacaron” song was for like.. 4 years. i heard a clip of it when i was living in the Netherlands and could never figure out how to spell it, so I never found it. and no one ever knew what i was talking about.

        but now that ive finally heard the whole thing, im not sure if i should actually thank you.

    • My roommate had “The Peanut Butter Jelly Song”.

      Whenever we were annoyed that he didn’t clean or hadn’t given me the rent check, we’d cue up the song and before the end of “IT’S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!” he’d do whatever it took to make the post traumatic stress stop.

    • True story. the guy who wrote and sung How Bizzare, is from New Zealand. He made like a million dollars and spent it all on hos and drugs, now he is homeless and addicted to crack. Lets hope this band has the same fate.

  6. “Traffic Jam 101″ will undoubtedly become a hipster-douche anthem in the coming weeks. I hate the world.

  7. Look, if a middle aged sales rep with a drinking problem and past-due child support payments can’t live his dream by making music video’s on his mother’s computer in the evenings, then what hope do any of us have for every really feeling alive?

  8. I’ll take any excuse to post dancing gifs

  9. I can’t wait until my band get’s slapped with a copyright infringement lawsuit from George Lucas.

  10. I like this new theme of donating things to people affected by assholes. You guys are slowly becoming the Oprah of blogs.

  11. I can’t wait until my band get’s slapped with a copyright infringement lawsuit from George Lucas.

  12. I’ve said it once (a million times), and I will say it again (until the end of time)….Blood on the Dance Floor is the worst band EVER.

  13. “Honey, did you download that Imperial Star’s song yet? That’s my jam!” –Jennifer Lynn Petkov

  14. I’m glad to see Carlos Mencia is just as obnoxious at playing music as he is at standup. But why did he have to drag Andy Samberg-In-a-Wig along with him?

  15. For some reason while reading this, I presumed they were teenagers, and I was like “oh, well, they’ll know better next time, just kids, whatever”. But then I saw the video and they are GROWN MEN. That makes it just SO MUCH WORSE. Just. Ugh.

  16. No one can convince me that one of the members isn’t Bob Saget in a blonde wig.

  17. “I cause traffic. I am you.”

    -Christine O’Donnell, Imperial Stars Fan Club President

  18. I’m a Monster
    Livin’ on the net
    Commentin’ on Blogs
    and makin fun of this band

  19. Let’s try this again…

    I said it once (a million times), and I’ll say it again…Blood on the Dance Floor is the worst band in the history of the universe.

    • One on the left: man, woman or trash heap?

      Okay, that was actually kinda easy.

    • I agree with you. I never heard their songs, but if that picture is of them then there is no doubt in my mind they are the worst ever.

      • You mean you haven’t heard “Sexting” or “S My D”?!?!?! You should listen and then join their fan club called “The Suicide Club.”

        • and then one you get your membership card, kill yourself. (duh)

        • they have a song called S my D??? I LOVE SAYING “S a D” (seriously) and now i have to STOP.

          • It took me an embarassingly long time to figure out what “S a D” means. And by “figure out” I mean google it.
            I feel like maybe I should sue thisismynightmare for RUINING MY LIFE, but it’s not really her fault, is it? It’s Blood on the Dancefloor’s fault.

          • I’m sorry, Polterjane! I just think that you all should be aware of what we are dealing with here. We need to start preparing now, before it’s too late and some teenie dumps this on us when our gaurd is down.

          • Yes, I agree with you, thisismynightmare. While I do miss life without having any idea what the fuck Blood on the Dancefloor or S my D is, it is definitely for the best to find out this way. If someone actually made me listen to this without warning me it was terrible, just being all “hey, listen to this” I would probably murder them. And then I would go to jail. So, it was for the best.

      • You really don’t want to hear their songs. There music sounds way worse than that picture looks.

    • Thank you for pointing this out. Blood On the Dance Floor has and forever will be YOUR band.

    • thisismynightmare… why? This is the worst. Worse than Brokencyde, Kesha and The Millionaires combined. I’m moving to the woods and waiting for 2012.

  20. Can we get a consensus on whether the lead singer’s porkpie hat is ironic or sincere?

    Before the only people bringing back hats were people with handlebar mustaches at Grizzly Bear shows (ironic) and guys in floor-length leather coats reading Warhammer 40k novels (sincere.)

    He’s opened up a whole new front in this war.

  21. Maybe they were hoping for a reality show deal out of this, Dancing With The Imperial Stars. Only now they’re in jail, so the dancing is going to be a lot more risque, and involving dropping soap.

  22. I didn’t know I was supposed to take these guys’ songs so literally. “yeahhhhhh, we stoppin’ traffic… playin’ LIVE on the freeway today”

    ok. yeah, you are. not a metaphor.

    I guess I have to believe that the world is getting better now, that these guys are literally ready to win, on top of the world, livin’ on the edge, and that they are playing their music for the children of the stars. I guess that doesn’t even mean, like, Brad Pitt’s kids – this song is for, literally, entities who were born of giant galactic masses of gas. stop enjoying it human!

    of course, I don’t believe that these guys are literally known for hangin’ out and partyin’ with friends. yeah right, like YOU guys have friends.

  23. “All those who complained are lame. LA is full of whining people who whine for just about anything,” Hollywood Kev posted on the Times’ L.A. Now blog. “Imperial Stars just became my favorite group of all time.” That’s your Favorite Group of All Time.

  24. “I love it when a plan come together and then kind of peters out when the police show up to arrest the band who just realized the futility of trying to play the shittiest song ever to a hostile audience trapped in cars,and have the ability to roll up their windows and drown out said song with their own stereos and horns and screams. Where are my cigars?” — George Peppard’s Ghost

  25. They sort of explain themselves at their website:

    “The Imperial Stars are committed to benefiting the displaced children of America through the voice of music. Charitable focused movements in addition to professional sound quality fit for all demographics; vision of mainstream success is directed back into the community voluntarily. Progression is a standard with our audio production, collective marketing strategies and overall business approach, therefore building relationships and doing well by them is the priority at Imperial One Entertainment.”

    “Sort of,” as in: I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

    • Also, my grandmother had to go to LA for surgery yesterday morning. These assholes almost made her late.

    • It’s almost as if they were given the words “charitable, demographics, progression, displaced and collective” and challenged to use them all in a single paragraph.

  26. hmmm. i must have missed their Premature Evaluation on Stereogum. odd, they seem ripe for that segment.

  27. This guy wouldn’t let them get up to these kind of shenanigans:

  28. I can’t wait for their next song Psychiatric Hold 5150.

  29. Well, it’s clear they can’t get booked in regular clubs, so they had to imrpovise. And The Coffee Bean won’t let you play in front of their stores.

  30. Oh man, I’ve heard of these guys! They’re always doing crazy stuff, like hanging out with their friends. Legendary.

  31. On the local news, they interviewed “someone who knows the band personally” (note that they were not named as a “fan” of the band), who said that they didn’t do this to gain publicity for the band but rather to raise awareness for homeless children. Of course, very logical connection.

    “I’ve been sitting in traffic for 30 hours and my ears are bleeding. But this has given me plenty of time to reflect on the plight of homeless children. Mission accomplished!”

  32. “Our lives are Twilight.” – Everyone stuck in traffic

    “Our assholes are Twilight.” – Imperial Stars (post jail sentence)

  33. It made me sad to think that we were contributing to their famewhore behavior, and I imagined the satisfied smirks on their faces when they read the Videogum post. Stabbing one’s eyes and ears and cutting one’s head off IS the new moshing for teens nowadays. I’m hoping that there is no way they can read “I hate your band” ironically. Anyway, really loved these guys at the BET awards.

  34. I hope my band wins the Grammy for “Most Annoying Performance” in February!

  35. Sometimes you just gotta DIY. When Jayne Mansfield (aka Mariska Hargitay’s mom) first arrived in Hollywood in the ’50s, she would walk up and down Sunset Boulevard in a skimpy bikini and hand people autographed photos of herself. Another trick she used was to go to swanky parties where movie producers were and jump in the pool and “accidentally” unhook her bikini bra. Think about this next time you watch Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

  36. I wish these cops would have responded:

  37. Lyrics haven’t been this real since “Hot blooded, check it and seeeee….I’ve got a fever of 103!”

  38. one fact all of us have overlooked:

    steve winwood was in Traffic.

  39. I wasn’t totally sure if it was the right move to go for the huge headband and Members Only jacket for my rapping solo, but now, watching this again, I think I look pretty cool.

  40. I’m pretty sure that’s Russell from Survivor.

  41. Okay, I’ve never posted one of these before so here goes…

  42. A much better band causing a more polite traffic jam:

  43. If their goal was to increase the number of people who know that their band sucks and their music is terrible, it was a rousing success.

  44. The Black Eyed Peas continue to push the envelope…

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