Don is having a secret meeting with the guy from Heinz trying to get some business so that the firm doesn’t close. The guy from Heinz explains how hard it is to get the word out about beans when you’re standing in the shadow of Big Ketchup. Sure. But then they keep talking about it. Whoa. How much am I really supposed to know/care about the marketing difficulties the bean industry faced in 1965? A lot, apparently. “We all majored in Bean Communications in college, right? Good, so let’s carry this scene out in real time.” Turns out, the beans make you fart thing was a PRETTY BIG DEAL. Anyway: Don and Mr. Ketchup get along pretty well, but he’s not ready to change advertising firms. Besides, everyone knows that Don Draper’s firm sucks and is exploding. Don begs, basically. He offers to give Dr. Heinz a lowered commission. The guy is like, ha ha handshake, no. He says he will check back with him in six months. Everyone, basically, is saying that they’re going to check back in in six months. But the firm will be shut down in six months! Uh oh. The math doesn’t add up! Back at the office, some fat old man explains that the way to save the firm is to go after another tobacco account. He says that Philip Morris is introducing a new cigarette for women and they want to use a new agency. Great! It’s only five million dollars in billings (which sounds like a lot of money to me even in 2010 much less 1965 but what do I know? Nothing, obviously. I’m sure five million dollars is an embarrassment) but it’s a start. Thank you fat old man.

Oh wait, NO THANK YOU, FAT OLD MAN. On the day the partners are supposed to meet with Philip Morris, everyone gathers in the lobby, hat literally in hand, only to discover that no one is coming. The fat old man is like, “yeah, no, my bad.” Yikes. Roger Sterling tells him he is an asshole. WHOA. I guess they kept it pretty real back then. (Other ways they kept it back then: racist, drunk, slim-fitting.) So now people are just straight up freaking out. Harry Crane needs a drink. Get out of here, Harry Crane.

The bank has offered the firm an extension on their loan in order to cover a reduced payroll for the next six months. However, this will require a collateral investment of $50,000 (and/or $100,000) from each of the partners, and also major staffing cuts. Pete Campbell is like, “I know what to do: BITCHFACE.” He bitchfaces the shit out of this news. He goes home and his wife bitchfaces him and he’s like, don’t you think I’m already bitchfacing as bitchy as I can? Pete Campbell’s bitchface is so intense that his bitchface has a bitchface, Tax Masters style.

Oh, hi Midge.

Don meets Midge in the lobby of his office. She wants him to come over and have dinner with her husband and buy a painting. At the very least, she wants him to pay for a cab ride downtown because she “lost” her purse. Sure, Midge. (There’s Something Wrong with Midge.) Don goes over to her house and meets her husband, whose name is Yikes. Right? I’m pretty sure his name is Yikes McTrainWreck. Anyway, it turns out that Midge didn’t actually lose her purse. What she actually lost was her NOT BEING ADDICTED TO HEROIN. That’s gone. Don asks what it’s like and she says it’s like “drinking 1000 bottles of whiskey while someone licks your tits.” No it’s not. I mean, I’ve never done heroin, but unless it’s like instantaneously dying from alcohol poisoning in a pool of your own bloody vomit while someone licks your tits, then no. (Actually, now that I think about it.) Don gives her husband $10 to buy groceries, and it’s really hard to tell whether he thinks $10 is too much or too little? He’s the Mona Lisa’s smile of reacting to Don’s $10 in grocery money. Don writes Midge a check for $300 to buy her terrible heroin painting. She is like “what am I going to do with a check?” Uh, you’re going to jump off a bridge? I mean, no offense, but what you are going to do with a check is jump off a bridge. Don empties his wallet and gives her $120. Whoa. Don carries around MAD CASH!!!!! That is so much money to be carrying around in 1965!!!!! I always knew Don was a baller, but now I know that Don is a BALLER.

Meanwhile, it’s Halloween apparently.

Honestly, I’m not sure what to say about the Sally/Glenn plotline. I was under the impression that Mad Men was a show for ADULTS. When I turn this show on, I expect to see drinking and fucking and door slamming, not two mediocre child actors stuntedly delivering lines about Coca Cola backwash while wearing hilarious-looking football costumes. In any case, Sally and Glenn sneak off every day to sit in some rusty weeds and talk about whatever kids in the 60s who were a little bit broken used to talk about. Feces? I have no idea. Sally’s therapist says that she is doing great and only needs to come in once a week, which makes Betty really angry, because Betty doesn’t think Sally is cured. Go to bed, Betty. You have clearly needed to go to bed all season, and yet here we are, one episode before the finale, and you still have not gone to bed.

In other Sally news: she wants to have dinner with Henry for some reason? Unclear. Even Betty doesn’t seem to want to have dinner with Henry, so I’m not sure what Sally sees in him. He comes home early one day for a “Family Dinner” and is being a REAL STEPDAD with his stupid face/voice. “Howdy, gang, Old Dad is home and ready for some groovy grub.” Shut up, Henry. But that is the same day that Betty catches Sally having a completely innocent childhood friendship with Glenn, so as soon as Henry sits down, she brings up the topic of moving, because it’s only a matter of time before Sally’s having babies in a pile of rusted out car parts. Sally runs to her room. (I do like when Betty tells Sally that she knows Glenn WAY BETTER than Sally knows him. Uh, relax, Mrs. Robinson.)

Back at Bachelor Towers, Don is staring at Midge’s painting, “Heroin #4.” He stares at it so long that he realizes he has GOT to write in his diary. (Because there’s no space left on his jeans.)

He writes a letter to Big Tobacco, and the next day he takes out a full page ad in the New York Times. And then he walks into the office like whut?

Everyone is so mad.

Bert Cooper quits! SOMEONE GET BERT COOPER HIS SHOES PLEASE! (Haha.)

Don explains that it was a last ditch attempt to present the company as a viable agency willing to take risks. Everyone else explains that he’s an asshole. Of course, this is going to bend one of two ways, and really only one way: Don is going to turn out to be a visionary, and this desperate Jerry Maguire shit is going to pay off in the end with Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Campbell Bitchface leading the industry as the Most Visionaries. But can I just say right now that I kind of hope that doesn’t happen? I kind of hope Don Draper falls on his big, fat, beautiful no homo face? Just for once. Because, even though this season has been all about building Don Draper back up from the big fall of having to move into a pretty awesome apartment in Greenwich Village and having his own advertising agency and carrying around $130 in throwaway money, the truth is, for as “hard” of a time as he has supposedly had it this season, it seems like he’s had a pretty decent time! He fucked errbody. He has $150,000 1965 dollars to just put up as collateral without batting no naturally long eyelashes. (He pays Pete Campbell’s share of the bank loan and for, like, two seconds, Pete’s Bitchface disappears.) I’m just saying: broken Don Draper is still doing better than whole everybody else. Boo hoo, I’m sure.

The doctor has been fired because her research agency would like to keep researching how awesome and delicious cigarettes are. So now she and Don can make their relationship public. “P.S.,” she adds with her eyes and insinuations, “enough with the secretary.” On her way out, the doctor stops into Peggy’s office to say goodbye and Peggy asks her to get a drink sometime. The doctor REALLY doesn’t want to get a drink with Peggy. It’s kind of hilarious. “I’m sure we’ll see each other again sometime,” she says. “We certainly don’t need to get a drink. And worst case scenario, we never see each other again, but at least we won’t have had a drink together that neither of us wants to get.” Goodbye, Peggy. The doctor won’t see you now. (Get it? You get it.)

Everybody is fired. Step into Don’s office, everybody, because you’re all fucking fired.

Uh ohhhhhhhhhh. Bye, everybody!

Next week: Season Finale!!!

Comments (89)
  1. Ted Chaough’s Kennedy impression:

  2. What kept me up all night after watching this episode:

  3. I like how the writers really have started to appeal to the dumber audience members.

  4. I turned in pretty early last night, figuring a good night’s sleep would help me start the work week. But. I had nightmares (NIGHTMARES!) that I wouldn’t be able to avoid Mad Men spoilers today. So I got out of bed at 1am and watched it. So, crisis averted. Phew.

  5. I love that they revealed the origin of this guy:

  6. Remember the season premiere, and how shiny and new the SCDP offices looked, and how psyched everyone was? It makes this episode that much more sad when you compare it to the optimism that this season started with. It’s definitely not how I expected this season to turn out.

    Also, I want to put Pete Campbell’s blue suit in a museum.

  7. Does this mean that Jonathan is going to evil like in Season 6 of Buffy, and unleash nerdy schemes with his nerdy cronies, and try and Draperize the agency? Yes? YES?!?

  8. I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house. Did you get it?

  9. I know I am super late to the party but I watched this show for the first time last night trying to decipher a few things. I have read all the recaps but:
    Are we supposed to hate Betty? Because I hated her. (And are those all of her kids? All three?)

  10. I remember that as soon as I saw the first glimpse of Don’s ad in the Times I literally said out loud (at 3 a.m. no less), “OH SHIT, DON DRAPER IS A FUCKING BADASS.” I’m sure my roommates appreciated that.

  11. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  12. The Midge subplot really brought the Sad last night. Her desperate flirtyness? Her dank heroin den apartment? Don’s response to whether he likes her painting- “Does it matter?” She has fallen so far from when she was throwing televisions out of windows with reckless disregard for the safety of anyone walking next to her building.

    The worst/best one though? “Glad you haven’t changed.” Dramatic irony all over Don’s nice gray suit.

  13. “You don’t get to forbid me.”

    and

    “No one asked you to euthanize this company!”

    are my two favorite new slogans (for something I don’t know what).

  14. Does anyone else think Trudy is secretly being played by someone else this season…? She just looks different in the face. Maybe it’s all that Community,

  15. Did anyone else fall for the Bobby Kennedy prank call?

    At first I was like YES! YESSSSSS!

    But then I was like, NOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo :(

    • I did!

      I did and then I felt terribly stupid. Probably exactly how Don felt? And then that kind of felt nice because it was like, “Oh hey, I’m feeling the exact emotional jubilation followed by disappointment as the show’s main character. Well played writing team!”

      No but really, I felt pretty dumb afterwards.

    • i was going for it and then was like “they’d get a way better kennedy impersonator than this clown” and then like “oh…good.”

    • I agree with the picture of Mayor Quimby way above, that’s totally what I said when I heard his impression. I still totally fell for it though.

    • When he got the call, I told my roommates, “Now it’s everybody else’s turn to feel like an asshole after they made Don feel like one. Look how the boardroom tables have turned!” But at the end of the call, my roommates were all grinning at me like “what’s that about everyone being an asshole?” and I became the asshole.

  16. I really miss Ms. Blankenship.

  17. “Me and Betty Draper/Francis have a lot in common!”

    - this gal

  18. Heroin: the cure for the common addition.

  19. Roger saying, “I have to go learn a bunch people’s names before I fire them” was classic Roger Sterling. Classic.

  20. Odds that Joan’s husband doesn’t survive the season? 85%. Odds of a surprise 5-year fast-forward for the finale? 0.01% (but it would be amazing).

  21. Guys, I specifically told you to stop me at four comments, but here goes: I was way bummed that Lane dropped his girlfriend and bent to his terrifying father’s will.

  22. Every scene with Sally and Glenn puts me so on edge because I’m convinced he’s going to molest her. He has a very molest-y face! Plus all that weirdness with Betty a couple seasons ago. It makes me uneasy.

    • Yes, the tension–probably mostly invented by me–in those scenes was harder to bear than anywhere else in the show. I just kept waiting for him to pin her down in the dirt until she cried and then get up and tell her he was “just kidding” or “joking” or something. Doesn’t Matthew Weiner realize how strongly his son radiates creepiness? Ugh.

  23. As much as we all love Sal, he’s not coming back. It is just making me sad every time I see his face, so just stop. He’s still in Central Park and will be there for the next decade or so.

  24. Loved it when Peggy was spying with her ear against the wall. She is the cutest spy. Spy girl.

  25. Can we just talk about the psychiatrist and how she needs to be everyone’s psychiatrist? (Especially Betty because Betty is literally a child.) Please be proud of me too, Dr. Redhead. P.s. Sociopath Glenn killed a defenseless child for his football uniform. How else was he going to impress Sally?

  26. “(Other ways they kept it back then: racist, drunk, slim-fitting.)” = best MM summary.
    “plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose”– except for the slim part

  27. i think Don has another hard fall coming up. i can see Dr. Fey getting jealous of the secretary, pulling out that “I DON’T COOK” Jersey accent & then spilling Don’s little secret.

    either that, or somebody will find his diary.

  28. Really, no one has any Glen GIFs? Dude was hilarious and goofy looking in every scene he was in. I expect nothing less of him.

  29. Like Don Draper hammering away at the keys in the form of a full-page ad in the times after looking at the painting of a washed-up drug-addled former fuck-buddy, I think I have, for better and worse, found my niche of contribution to the Videogum community. That said, I now bring you my new weekly series, “INAPPROPRIATE TIMING WITH SALLY DRAPER.” Feel free to Chris Hansen-style downvote me at will (for this, I probably deserve it- but here goes)…

  30. “INAPPROPRIATE TIMING WITH SALLY DRAPER.” Episode 2:

  31. so, was sally holding a razor in her had during her last scene on the bed? is she about to get all natalie portman in heat on us?

  32. “INAPPROPRIATE TIMING WITH SALLY DRAPER.” Episode 3:

  33. “INAPPROPRIATE TIMING WITH SALLY DRAPER.” Episode 4:

  34. “INAPPROPRIATE TIMING WITH SALLY DRAPER.” Episode 5:

  35. Wait, didn’t it say in an interview that Kiernan’s mom won’t even let her watch Mad Men ’cause it’s too racy? So how did they get her to almost-masturbate on camera?

  36. Writer 1: These kid scenes are kind of awkward, how do we end them?
    Writer 2: hmmmm…I’ve got it, Sally can stare at the sun for 45 awkward seconds and then say “I’ve got to go.”!!!!
    Writer 1: Brilliant! What about the second scene?
    Writer 2: Well they’ll expect her to stare at the sun for 45 seconds. So what if she says “I’ve got to go” at the end of her last sentence without any natural pause at all?
    Writer 1: Genius!

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