You’ve had a lot of boyfriends in the past, but Andrew Shirvell is YOUR BOYFRIEND with a capital BOYFRIEND. From CNN:

For nearly six months, Andrew Shirvell, an assistant attorney general for the state of Michigan, has waged an internet campaign against college student Chris Armstrong, the openly gay student assembly president at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.

Using the online moniker “Concerned Michigan Alumnus,” Shirvell launched his blog in late April.

“Welcome to ‘Chris Armstrong Watch,’” Shirvell wrote in his inaugural blog post. “This is a site for concerned University of Michigan alumni, students, and others who oppose the recent election of Chris Armstrong — a RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVIST, RACIST, ELITIST, & LIAR — as the new head of student government.”

Shirvell said he works on the blog during his off-hours.

Oof. Just to clarify what is going on here, an ASSISTANT ATTORNEY GENERAL in Michigan has launched a BLOG dedicated entirely to the defamation of character of a COLLEGE STUDENT. I mean, on top of that, the whole thing centers around the student’s homosexuality and his efforts as student council president to secure, for example, equal housing for transgender students, so once you dig into it you can really start to see why you spoon Andrew Shirvell every night and waggle your fingers at him to indicate the empty space where a wedding ring is supposed to go. But regardless of the HATE CRIMEY aspects of this dude (who you love and cherish), just the fact that a grown adult man with an important role in a state’s government has started a blog to attack a child is INCREDIBLE. He’s a keeper!!!!!

And, because today is Anderson Cooper Day, wait until you see him tear this coconut a new coconut hole:

There’s also a great video of this blockhead over here which includes the quote “we are all adults here, and I am just giving him some adult criticism.” YUUUUUUUP! You sure are, gurrrl. And congrats, of course, to the Attorney General for declining to comment. Very cool approach. You should definitely not fire this guy and come out with a public statement denouncing ADULTS DRAWING SWASTIKAS ON CHILDREN’S FACES ON THEIR BLOGS WHILE WORKING FOR YOU IN THE GOVERNMENT REGARDLESS OF THE FACT THAT YOU INCLUDED A STRONG STANCE AGAINST “CYBER-BULLYING” IN YOUR ELECTION CAMPAIGN BUT THAT TOO. Everyone’s got to blow off some steam by committing insane hate crimes, right guys? I bet when you and your boyfriend Andrew Shirvell are sharing the Sunday New York Times over brunch, you go straight for the Sunday Styles section and he goes straight for the JAIL. (Thanks for the tip, Tim.)

Comments (147)
  1. I’m going to start an Andrew Shirvell Watch website under my screen name, Concerned Human Being from the Planet Earth with a Human Heart that Feels Real Human Emotion.

    Seriously though, what a disgusting person.

  2. Andrew Shirvell is totally not gay, no siree

  3. He’s my boyfriend, but he wants to keep it on the down low.

    • Let me tell you that your boyfriend is just mad because Chris Armstrong rejected his advancements! ESCANDALO!

    • Hey Mans/Corbin Bernsen/VG Legal Department: Is Michigan one of those states that lets you practice law without passing a bar as long as you graduate law school? Cause, you know, That’s Your Lawyer, Michigan.

  4. My brain has most certainly been Shirvell’d.

  5. I’m leaving my boyfriend for Anderson Cooper.

  6. So Shirvell learned his cyber-bullying from Perez Hilton?

  7. I wonder if “Concerned Michigan Alumnus” is also his handle at rentboy.com.

  8. Oh, he’s concerned, alright. Concerned with masturbating under his desk to pictures of Chris Anderson.
    Gabe, I am surprised that you, as the Editor-at-Large of Duh Aficionado magazine, have not gone ahead and made Asst. Atty. Gnl. Shirvell your cover story this month. “Shirvell: Yep. I’m Gay.” Ah no doy…

    • Oops, Freudian slip. “Armstrong” not “Anderson.” But I’ll bet Shirvell popped a boner when talking to Andy, too.

      • Oh, and not for nothing/lest we forget: Anderson Cooper is also not “out.” Just sayin’.

        • I’m conflicted on this. I know I’ll come off as ignorant here, because I’m not gay and it’s probably not my place to have an opinion on something like this. Still, if AC is gay (is this like common knowledge, or something?), is it his duty to come out publicly? I’m honestly asking. Where is the line between a celebrity wanting to keep his public life separate from his private and being perceived as being in the closet?

          On another not, it seems like openly gay celebrities are rare enough that they are automatically be looked to as some kind of leader or example. I’m timid enough that I wouldn’t want that kind of responsibility. I’m not a perfect man by a long shot, so there would be so much pressure to be perfect so that one mistake by you would cause idiots to project your mistakes onto an entire group of people.

          I’m rambling, but I’m just curious what other people think. Is it a gay public figure’s responsibility to be open about their sexuality with millions of strangers?

          I’m sorry if I sound like ass, but it’s just an interesting dilemma to me.

          • This is a nightmare to read. Time to start hitting the sauce again!

          • It’s fairly common knowledge that he is gay (see: every other post on Gawker)

            The one rationale I’ve heard for AC staying in the closet is that as a gay man, he could face scrutiny and/or harm while reporting in another country.

          • It’s time for my 2 cents-gum!!!

            In my opinion, AC has no duty to publicly comment on his personal life, sexuality included. While I feel that way about all public figures, I think that in his case, as a journalist, it could (and to a point has) cause his life to overshadow the story, or as solid says, possibly put him in harms way.

            As for public (and private) figures in general, I understand the impulse to want GLBT public figures to come out, and it would be great if they would, but I will not fault someone for keeping their public persona separate from their private lives. Coming out should not be put on someone else’s timeline.

          • I’m pretty sure that in our nightmare society of celebrity-worship and scrabbling to find the meaning TO IT ALL in the mundane minutia, who celebrites sleep with (same sex or not) is fair game whether they like it or not. Since there is a negative stigma associated with same-sex couples (thx @Puritans) that does place a barrier up for a lot of people. I don’t personally care because what does it matter to me whose in someone’s bed 1000 miles/10miles/next door away?

            I think it is the responsibility of every human to break down those barriers (and all the other barriers we build up in our collective psyches) by striving constantly toward that elusive goal of true acceptance of people on their own terms. Celebrities might have a harder time because they have more people watching their triumphs and failures on their journey toward being an “Ideal Human”. I don’t think that gay celebrities have more or less responsibility than straight celebrities, they just have an extra barrier to break down.

            Ultimately, there are the Tea Parties of the world who won’t ever look beyond the barriers but that is really more a reflection of them being failures at life instead of a negative statement of the person they are observing.

            Haters gonna hate, but try anyway I guess is my point.

          • How about if Tom Brokaw or Wolf Blitzer refused to publicly disclose that they are married to women? “Because it’s just nobody’s damn business!” (Answer: That would never happen.)
            If the gays are ever to achieve parity/normalness, they can’t treat their “private life” as a radioactive secret. Oh, and the thing about how he could be beheaded next time he’s in Dubai or whatever? Um. I guess his mom, Gloria Vanderbilt, would have a heckuva lawsuit against CNN then, eh? (I think they take care of their on-air talent a little better than that.)

          • Short answer: no, Coop has no responsibility to announce his sexual orientation to the public.

            tl;dr answer: Perez (barf) and his ilk may assert that non-openly gay celebrities need to be open so that, I dunno, the gay-haters will suddenly realize that gays can be talented and productive members of society? I understand the interest in building a critical mass of gayness in the public eye, but that call cannot be made for any person by any other person.

          • ClownCoffee, I think celebrities, gay or straight, are entitled to privacy regarding their romantic lives. I don’t think it’s uncommon for straight celebs to be secretive (to millions of strangers, anyway) about who they date, and why shouldn’t this apply to LGBT celebs? It’s one thing for tabloid idiots to be obsessed with who freakin’ Taylor Lautner is dating – he’s an actor and sex symbol – even then, many of us would say “I don’t care, it’s none of my business”, which I believe is the correct response for any level-headed individual. It’s another thing entirely for people to give a shit who Anderson Cooper, a NEWS ANCHOR*, is dating.

            To me, it eventually becomes a question of equality. I think Anderson Cooper has every right to keep his private life from the public eye, just as any other celebrity does.

            *This is important for this example. AC represents the news media. I think he has a certain amount of relative integrity in this field, especially in his forum of cable news. Why on earth would he want to indulge the assholes who want to know if he’s gay or straight? It makes him part of a story, which no serious anchor wants. Also, any story he does about LGBT rights or discrimination or anything would be called out as liberal media bias by anti-gay spinsters, but that’s a whole other discussion about equality and double standards.

          • ClownCoffee: “The gays”? Really?

          • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

          • ClownCoffee, would it be cliche if I said, “You mad!”? It would? Ok, then I won’t. I would just like to nose in for two seconds to say that 100% of the time I appreciate when somebody is willing to put out a thought counter to the popular thought of the moment (aka groupthink [I kinda hate that word]) here on vgum. You have consistently put your thoughts out on something that is personal to you in an intelligent way and it saddens me each time you get harangued for your earnest attempt at seeking out the truth of a situation. Don’t give up!

          • Wow, CC. I realize I might not have the most informed position on whatever the fuck it is we’re even talking about anymore, but… wow. Instead of engaging in any kind of meaningful dialogue, you tell us all to kill ourselves? Seriously?!

            Keep posting pictures of yourself with fucking Betty White or Zach Galifianakis or whoever. I’m being serious, if it helps you to get over whatever bullshit that causes you to be such an asshole, post the shit out of you posing with celebrities.

    • let’s not forget that although our society encourages a lot of self-hatred, there are people who are just haters and spend their off-hours being a horrible example of a human being.

    • Sure, my handsome friend, but I think forcefully repressed gayness is just one color in this guy’s DSM rainbow. Shirvell (seriously, could you come up with a shiftier last name?) has the same affect as the OB-GYN on-call (my own doctor was on vacation) who broke my bag of waters without telling me, let alone asking me (I know! Gross!), thereby launching the sequence of events that led to an emergency C-section. Which is to say, Asperger’s syndrome, or some other impairment on the autism spectrum that makes it impossible to be fully human in the way that we usually understand it. I mean, seriously, have you watched the video? This dude is a poorly programmed robot.

      Of course, the difference between this guy and other high-functioning, high-achieving people with autism and related pathologies is that this guy is a total asshole. A total asshole with Microsoft Paintf.

  9. Fact: Chris Armstrong wants to replace all of the food in student union gift shop with snacks that are shaped like dicks

    *paid for by the committee to un-elect Chris Armstrong

  10. How else is he supposed to combat the complicated personal shame and other conflicting emotions stemming from his inability to come to terms with his own sexuality?

    I mean, after jerking off to hardcore gay porn, he just needs to draw some swastikas on confident gay men to keep from crying. It’s kind of a palette cleanser.

    Don’t judge him. You don’t know him like I do.

  11. I know nothing should surprise me any more….. but fucking hell, America.

  12. Sometimes my boyfriend Andrew Shirvell and I get into play fights and he does this great joke where he punches me really hard in the sternum and tells me to “Man up, pussy.” And sometimes he tells me I’m ruining America, but he never says how I’m ruining it.

    I suggested couples counseling once but he just started a blog about what a terrible girlfriend and person I am, so I never brought it up again.

  13. This guy has officially bumped Serena Southerlyn off the top of my list of least favorite Assistant District Attorneys. Quite the feat, Andy.

  14. Remember when you wanted to get someone’s attention you had to shoot a President? The bar has been lowered.

  15. At first I was like


    But then I was like

  16. The phrase “radical homosexual activist” sounds totally bigoted coming out of this guy’s mouth, but if he were a Ninja Turtle? Totally tubular, you guys.

  17. Anderson Cooper for President… of my heart.
    Ok that was dorky, I admit. I love this guy

  18. This should be offically known as Anderson Cooper Day henceforth

  19. i broke up with my ex, beenie man, just to be with andrew and now all he does is work on that blog. he hasn’t even made love to me in months.

  20. Please note that name of the Attorney General of Michigan is Mike Cox.

    That is all.

  21. “Sometimes I get sad when my boyfriend, Andrew Shirvell, won’t have sex with me because he’s too busy ‘working on his blog’ about a gay male college student. And by ‘working on his blog,’ I mean masturbating furiously. No O’Donnello.”

  22. This is my favorite blog but I wish the boys on it were a little younger
    -Eddie Long #politicsgum

  23. I read this earlier today, and all I though then (and all I think now) is that Shrivell is a spectacularly pathetic human being. It is sad when children and young adults torment each other on the internet, but Shrivell is an adult, and in a significant position of power no less. There is no excuse and no justification that could mitigate his actions. It is sad, and it makes me ashamed as an adult human being.

    I want to invite Chris Armstrong to my apartment for sandwiches and tea.

  24. I really don’t understand how this hasn’t gotten him fired, but I imagine it WILL get him fired? Please?

  25. …Whaaaaaat?

  26. There is actually an elaborate process currently in place to get rid of your bigot boyfriend:

  27. So Michigan Monsters, can you threaten to recall your attorney general if he doesn’t fire this guy?

    • Cox is out this year and this douche will go with him. Thank God. Oh also, Cox was elected separately from the governor and therefore please do not judge all of Michigan government based on this pathetic person.

      Michigan, I love you, don’t hurt me like this!

  28. You guys, I need to start watching the news. This was so good! So much better than The Event.

  29. I’ll leave this here. Do with it what you do, internet.

    • the best part is when a-coop subtly implies that this creepo is IN LURV with the child and the creepo is all “well I NEVAH MISTAH COOPAH” *lip smacks*

  30. there are very few moments when i am ashamed to be from michigan. this is one of them.

  31. Also, somebody got the blogspot domain for Andrew Shirvell watch, but they’re not using it. This is a bigger outrage!

  32. I’m not telling the guy what to do and I know he’s got some bigger plan and is pretty worried about making sure he comes back with a real splash, but if I was Jesus, I’d figure out some way of just popping back to earth real quick-like and get the Shirvells of the world in check. It doesn’t have to be the whole rapture thing, just dress up as a swan or joaquin phoenix or something and try to keep his name out of the mud.

  33. I burned down your house and killed your family…WHATEVER! Its politics!

  34. I kept hoping Shirvell’s eyebrows and voice would relax. I was starting to get a sympathy headache. He must walk around with a throbbing head. #lameinnuendo

    Let me also say that our civilization is defective: in the long process of college, law school, bar exam, job interview, and regular performance reviews, this guy has never been stopped. His crazy loathsomeness never prompted anyone to put the brakes on his progress toward money and influence. So weird.

    • To intervene, you’d probably need to hang around him. I know we tended to leave this kind of fella alone rather than engage.

  35. They cut out the 7 times he shouted “BOB SAGET” for no apparent reason.

  36. I am trying to find solace in the fact that it seems that for every dickhole like this man, my boyfriend, there are 100 videogum monsters who just want to read about Birdie and farts and forget my boyfriend was ever born.

    • Count me as one of those. While I love getting stress headaches every time I think about the evil hate that lives in some people’s hearts, it gets old after a while.

      • That was not meant to say that I don’t like when Gabe posts these things – because I actually do – I just meant that this guy is the worst, but there are lots of people (including you knuckleheads that read this blog, high five guys!) that are not the worst and sometimes might even be considered the best.

  37. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I drink.

  38. I have been watching The West Wing to hype myself up for The Social Network, and this is really killing my government-employees-are-so-inspiring-and-passionate-about-making-the-country-a-better-place buzz.

    • Maybe you can work up a nice government-employees-are-so-inspiring-and-passionate-about-making-the-country-a-place-like-crazy-people-imagine-it-was-before-gays-and-immigrants-ruined-it buzz.

  39. There goes the Lucky Strike account.

  40. Hahaha, oh man. I just… BAAAAAARF. I mean he barf barf barf. I can’t believe that BARForever.

    Sincerely,
    Barf.

  41. christian people* sure are assholes towards gay people**

    * not every single christian person ever
    ** every single gay person ever

  42. Actually, I broke up with my boyfriend because he dry-heaved everytime we tried to have sex. I’m now dating James O’Keefe, the looker below who tried to seduce a really pretty CNN reporter on camera in an effort to embarrass her. Things are going pretty well so far. I think he’s the one.

  43. This is totally Shirvell’s new boyfriend, you guys:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRT3zs23sLk

  44. I’m going to start a blog that attacks little babies who poop their pants!

    Get it??? Babies and homosexuals can’t help being who they are, so it’s wrong to attack … eh, nevermind.

  45. “It appears, though, that you’re obsessed with this young gay man.” Yep. Pretty much. I think my boyfriend’s spending too much time outside of his house “protesting.”

  46. I think America would be much more accepting of us gays if instead of LGBT it was BLGT and it stood for Bacon, Lettuce, and Green Tomato, because that’s what I had for lunch and it was delicious.

  47. OK, having watched the video–our boyfriend is soooo agitated because of *gender-blind housing?*! We had gender-blind housing in my college, ONE HUNDRED* years ago. Old news, Shirvell.

    But also, you guys, I spent a couple hours this summer calling voters in another Midwestern college city about, among other things, nondiscrimination in housing for gay and trans folks. And I think I talked to this dude, or maybe his dad. Trying to say: there are a lot of people in this world who still do think sexual minority people shouldn’t be allowed to live in houses. So, you know, fair and balanced, or whatever (barf barf barf).

    *=10

  48. I wanted to put this down low (that’s what Andrew Shirvell said), because I have to get seriousgum for a minute. As a person who has taken on the betterment of teenagers as a job/career/calling, bullies like this make me sick. Just because this guy has problems does not give him any right to make life even a little more difficult for a motivated college student. God help me, I want to punch this guy myself, not only for this kid but for all the other kids I’ve taught and befriended throughout the years.

    tl;drgum.com: I had a student last year participate in the Day of Silence to honor the struggle of her LGBT classmates and friends, and I congratulated her for being so mature. Turns out? National Merit Scholar, also the highest IQ at my school. BOOM. Proof.

  49. I just don’t even understand how people like this exist.

  50. So this is Carrie Prejean’s brother, right? Or it is Carrie Prejean? Somehow? He’s got exactly the same infuriating interview tactics. “UM, ANDERSON, ACTUALLY THAT’S REALLY PERSONAL. YOU AREN’T BEING FAIR.”

    (that’s right. he talks in all caps, but not in a shouting way, just in an “I am an asshole” way)

  51. Another fine installment of “Wheelin’ Out the Crazies with Anderson Cooper”.

  52. Andrew Shirvell is a fudge packer. I’m not saying he’s gay, I’m saying I’ve seen him pack fudge. He was wearing a fudge packing hat, he was working in a fudge packing facility. He was packing fudge into a box.

  53. Coherent words escape me. What a Douche. Bag.

  54. i love that this guy never actually got a grasp of the fact that 1. these things are not “fair” in campaigns, they’re always shady, and 2. there is no political campaign.

    That’s like this guy running around slapping dude’s asses because it’s ok in football but there’s no football game. Oh, thats what he actually does? Makes sense.

  55. This scenario makes me want to question the validity of my criticism of the believability of the Chris Cooper character in “American Beauty,” which, in turn, has made me want to ammend that film’s status on my own personal WMOAT.

  56. All of my friends are totally relieved that I have dumped Andrew for Anderson Cooper.

  57. I am a straight male who has NO issues with gay people because I what they like is their business. But I have lived a while and I have followed this STRANGE case.

    There is NO doubt in my mind that Mr Shirvell is a self-hating homosexual. I wonder why he does not come out and “free” his soul? He is obviously suffering mentally.

    Write to the Governor or the Michigan Bar Association to have this FREAK dis-barred.
    It would do no good to write to the Atty Gen. Mr. Cox, because after having read about him it would seem he is ANOTHER right-wing lunatic who has managed to con his way (through the votes of the gullible), into public office a position that SETS AGENDA. Mr Cox more than likely remains quite supportive of Mr Shirvell and would do nothing to attack his fellow “Christian.”

    WRITE to the Michigan Bar Association–everyone reading this. We cannot continue to have tight-ass freaks turning this country into Nazi Germany.

    Thanks

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