Ugh. This whole thing has become so exhausting. I’m all for avant garde filmmaking and experiments in the constructs of selfhood and examinations of the insanity of celebrity. Especially in this era of world-ending celeb-obsession, it even seems healthy for someone caught up in that nightmare to have some fun with it and test the elasticity of its borders. But good grief with this fucking thing. First of all, it’s boring? It is so boring. It would have been kind of boring and a little sad if it was real, but now that it is not real it is just VERY boring and the sadness has transformed into annoyance. I can’t wait until this movie comes out on DVD so I can continue to not care in the comfort of my own home! (I heard one of the special features on the Deluxe Edition is that both Joaquin and Casey Affleck masturbate onto each DVD while looking at photos of themselves.) But more importantly, if you’re going to do something, fucking DO IT. If you’re going to mess with your public persona as some kind of artistic statement on the nature of humanity’s struggle with the forces of narcissism and the dehumanizing burden of over-attention, then at least MAKE THE STATEMENT. The fact that these two buttheads folded within the first five seconds of the movie being out is the real joke here. And then on top of that to keep waffling between whether or not they were offering the audience winking nods to the artifice of the whole thing (Yeah, we were a little! No, we never even thought of that!), it’s just nonsense. I seriously hope that this ends at least one of their careers. (Goodnight, Casey! Goodnight, rich man’s Dax Shepard!)

Part two of Joaquin Phoenix’s backpedaling garbage interview on Late Show with David Letterman after the jump:

“Can we talk about it privately?”
“Sure, we’ll go to one of your screenings.”

Ding dong. That was the best thing that has come out of this whole fiasco. Will someone please stab this thing in the side with a poisoned shiv? (Via BuzzFeed.)

Comments (68)
  1. Uh……. got any gum?

  2. River must be rolling around in his grave.

  3. Jeez, between Brad Pitt shaving his beard and now Joaquin Phoenix cleaning up, it looks like the popularity of beards is on the way out. Are you listening to me, Tom?

    Topical!

  4. I have been entirely ignoring this story, due to the fact that I irrationally like Joaquin Phoenix from one good movie that he was in (hi Buffalo Soldiers!), and I do not want to ruin that, because I really do like that movie very much. So can we just go back to making fun of Snooki, please?

  5. (I heard one of the special features on the Deluxe Edition is that both Joaquin and Casey Affleck masturbate onto each DVD while looking at photos of themselves.)

    The way I heard it, they were masturbating onto female producers. Two princes, these two.

  6. Don’t believe him, this appearance is just another stunt in an elaborate trilogy about Joaquin Phoenix’s rise and fall. In this next one he will follow his dreams and become and astronaut. I mean if he hit low in I’m Still Here he has to go big in this next one.

  7. I used to think he was pretty.

  8. Mr. Phoenix, just apologize for The Village and we’ll be even stevens.

  9. I wish he wasn’t still here! … Am I doing this right?

  10. Casey Affleck: OMG Joaquin, I have the bestest idea!
    Joaquin Phoenix: Whattup C-Fleck?
    CA: Let’s pretend you’re insane, film it and then, as soon as the film comes out, tell people that what was obviously a joke was a joke.
    JP: Won’t that make us just look like two arseholes? I mean, my career’s struggling a bit, but yours is just picking up. Do you think we should do this?
    CA: That’s what makes it so funny. Get it? They’ll think we’re arseholes.
    JP: Well, if being an arsehole is funny, I’m in.
    CA: Dope-rad. Cocaine?
    JP: The best.
    CA: Friends for life?
    JP: Best friends for life.

    And scene.

  11. Andy Kaufman must be rolling over in his grave secret mountain hideaway.

  12. Is it possible that Ben is the less annoying Affleck? Really, world?

  13. You guys, I found the script to “2 Still 2 Here” at the bottom of the filthiest dumpster! In this reboot, Joaquin Phoenix turns away from bad white rap to the even MORE hilarious and “out there” world of gypsydom! He’s always stealing and stealing and stealing just like a real gypsy, but it’s funny because he’s white and really turning racism on its ear! Also, he changes his name to Joaquin Phone Sex right there on Jay Leno’s Tonight Show Program for all the world to see so they know it’s got to be real! It’s gonna box office gross like Batman if he went to Jurassic Park on the Death Star!

  14. Ugh, I don’t know. This whole thing was stupid, but David Letterman is doing that thing in this interview where he’s laughing but he’s NOT REALLY LAUGHING and I just want to scream at Joaquin to run before Dave pulls out the icepick, you know?

    • What’s weird is, Letterman was in on the first interview anyway. So the boiling-beneath-the-surface rage here is also fake, this is another layer of fake on top of everything else. If there are any more layers of fake anger and failure layered onto this shit we’re going to end up in limbo and something something – I can’t even write Inception jokes anymore. But you get it.

  15. When did Joaquin Phoenix become an ouroboros of mediocrity?

  16. This is all kind of like, when you’re friend is trying a tell you a joke they claim is really funny, and while telling it to you they keep snickering every couple seconds because they know the punchline which is really funny to them, and the joke is really long and drawn out and just as they finish telling punchline which isn’t really funny they burst out laughing and you have that look on your face that says “wtf was that, this is not funny, why are we friends?”…yeah, that’s kind of what this is like.

    But whatever, I stand by what I said earlier this week; can we all just agree to stop caring about this story and move on? 2012 be gettin’ closer ya’ll.

  17. Since we are all being honest about our true selves, it is time I give up this game:

    I am not a 35-year-old married man who practices law in Virginia.

    In reality, I am a 13-year-old girl from Tampa. My name is Franklynn Dimweather. I am a freshman in high school. I am on the quick recall team and I love listening to oldies like Led Zeppelin and Pearl Jam.

    Right now, I live with my Grandma in an apartment behind TJ MAXX. We have two bedrooms and a big couch right in front of the sliding glass doors. I love my grandmother and my pet turtle, Chipper. I found Chipper on the road. He was hurt but I nursed him back to health. At night, Chipper sleeps with me, right on my pillow.

    Grandma works at the mall down the road, at Radio Shack. I really hate having to hang out at the mall after school, waiting for her to get off of her shift. It is boring and the other kids there make fun of me. I lost my right leg after it got bit by a rabid raccoon. We didn’t have insurance, so I have the only pegleg we could afford. It sort of looks like a wiffle ball bat. I hate wiffle ball, even before I lost my leg.

    I don’t remember my parents too much. They died when I was real young. Dad was working on a construction site and fell in the cement they were pouring for a foundation. The foreman said it cost too much to get him out and re-pour it, so they left him. When I get real sad and miss him I go and talk to the foundation of the K-Mart on the other side of town, where he still is. Sometimes, I leave a cool rock I found, or a baseball card. He loved baseball.

    My mom, to dull the pain of losing the love of her life, started riding in hot air balloons at county fairs. One day, one of the ropes that tethered her to the ground gave way and she just drifted off toward the sun. We never found her body, but the balloon turned up in Georgia. The balloon was shaped like a cow, the basket shaped like udders.

    Since then, I’ve been with Grandma and Chipper. We have lots of fun though. We watch American Idol and make bacon sandwiches. Chipper loves Randy Jackson.

    I started comment here about a year ago, mostly because I was lonely. Most kids my age don’t get me. I didn’t think that anyone would take a 12 year old girl seriously, so I pretended to be an old man. Sorry.

    You know, I’m just like anyone else. I just want to be happy. I want to have a job someday that I like. I’d love to work at a science museum. And, I want to feel like I am making others happy too, but you know, sometimes it is hard to do that. I’m not cynical or anything. I mean, I know life can be tough, but I also know that there is joy. For real, look at Chipper. He probably thought he was going to die. But he didn’t. And now he spends his time looking out my window and seeing how beautiful everything is.

    I’m sorry I lied for so long.

  18. It seems like every thread about this movie is basically an orgy of condemnation without investigation. It reminds me of when all those Catholic groups protested The Last Temptation of Christ (but with apathy replacing moral outrage).

    Does anyone who’s actually seen the movie have an opinion about it?

    • I saw it! And you know what? Going in knowing it was all a fake, I found myself laughing quite a bit. There are some real comedic gems in there, including Joaquin fake rapping at Edward James Olmos who is going full Adama on him, and some surprisingly great moments with Diddy and a look of infinite resignation at having to put up with JP the rapper. Plus, as an old Spacehog fan from back in the day, I was happy to see Antony Langdon have such a large part.

      I see how all of the publicity around the film is annoying, and maybe some people got hoodwinked good and proper, but I enjoyed myself. I don’t think it was a great film, and it took itself a little too seriously in the long run (Spinal Tap this ain’t), and I’m not sure if it was worth the years that it took to actually film all of it, but hey if Mr. Phoenix can afford that sort of luxury, more power to him. I give it 2.5 bricks (out of a total 4.5346 bricks).

  19. And now when Joaquin REALLY goes insane because of this failure, no one is going to believe him.

  20. As much as joaquin’s stunt makes me #barfgum, this clip also shows how much of a douche Letterman is.

  21. I actually think to hear Joaquin pitch it as a reality TV/celebrity culture parody at least makes the whole project seem sort of coherent. I mean, before when I first heard it was fake and all of the celebrities were in on it, I thought, “okay so it’s like Borat but EVERYONE knows it is a joke.” And the only thing Borat had going for it WAS the fact that some people didn’t know it was a joke. So the whole project, for few days, seemed to me like two idiots imitating Borat without understanding the central gambit. But now it is… less like that.

    • I agree with you for the most part. What I thought was interesting about this was that before the movie came out, everyone did seem to “know” it was a hoax or performance art or whatever you want to call it. Then the reviews started coming in, and it seemed like a lot of critics (including Ebert, who is not stupid) honestly didn’t know what to think. So that made me wonder if maybe they pulled off something interesting? I don’t know what exactly, and I probably won’t find out for a long time because I have too many other movies to catch up on. But maybe it’s not such a terrible thing that they tried to do something different, even if they failed. And I just think it’s weird that everyone’s piling on (albeit hilariously) but not a single person seems to have seen it.

  22. !It’s a documentary! BAWWWWW! FAIR USE!!!!! LOL j/k we made it up!!” Oh yeah? FUCK YOU PAY ME! #itsnotshowfriends

  23. I like to think that his name is pronounced “Jokin’ Phoenix” as in “Aw he’s just Jokin’, guy”

  24. Even worse than the movie was Letterman’s horsesh*t interview. It could have been entertaining in the right hands(Kimmel’s shot is coming up Friday). I guess Phoenix doesn’t have any kids because that’s all Dave wants to talk about now and seems lost if he can’t do that.

  25. I agree with ya Gabe that if this farce of a ‘celebrity breakdown’ movie was have any value whatsoever, they would have had to play it straight for at least like 5 minutes.

    Now they’re on a fucking apology tour? Jesus Christ.

    Did anyone really care that much anyway whether or not this was real? I can’t imagine so.

  26. This is adorable!

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