Nice. I can’t wait to meet that special someone and get trapped in a poisonous nightmare of a toxic marriage to a wicked hell beast (female) just so that I can use this guy’s services. He seems very legitimate. Hopefully, when it DOES finally happen for me, we’ll spend at least 40 horrible years together first so that when we finally shoot our marriage in the face, we’ll both be so old and chronically miserable that we just give up and fucking die. I sure hope Steven Miller accepts wifi-enabled hover-credit! Just kidding, the world will be covered in water by then anyway. I’ll pay him with an old film canister full of matches that may or may not still light. (Via Neatorama.)

Comments (55)
  1. This is why letting straight people get married fucks up the sanctity of marriage.

  2. i’d rather just go on a reality show and take my horrible marriage all the way to the bank.

  3. The Devil, and this guy, are in the details.

    • Do I smell a new M. Night movie? DivorcEVIL Plot synopsis: Paper cuts from an amazing amount of legal divorce forms is causing average people who hate their spouses to die and go to hell. [twist: they don't realize it's hell until the end!]

  4. Christine O’donnell’s husband is PISSED.

  5. Steve Miller advises you to take the money and run. Shock and awe.

  6. More like diBLAMces!
    Am I doing this right?

  7. You’ll being popping the Champagne before you can say Abracadabra.

  8. If that was a proposal, Gabe, then the answer is YES! A MILLLION TIMES YES!

  9. Maybe you should just avoid marrying vermin?

  10. This is good to know:

    • I would like a pastrami and alimony. Hold the BARF.

    • double rainbow!

    • It’s truly unreasonable how happy those people are.

      “I’ll never forget the day my divorce was final. I hired a photographer, dj and florist, had all of my family and friends over for a great meal and a party, and then took 2 weeks off of work and went to the Bahamas.” – those adults

      “My mommy and daddy are finally free of one another and now I get to stand in the foyer as they have awkward, bumbling exchanges of me in the doorway every other week!” – those children

    • it’s the sad finale of your relationship that started on SaladMatch.com

  11. I think you should Better Call Saul!

  12. Speaking as a divorced man, is it wrong to say I kind of like this guy? Plus, look at all those books behind him!

  13. I wonder if this guy told the salesperson at Men’s Wearhouse: “make it look like I’m a 7-year-old wearing his dad’s shirt,” or if it just kind of worked out that way?

  14. Should I be worried that this is the same guy who has been posting animated moneybag GIFs on my wife’s wall on Facebook?

  15. He’s perfect marriage material but I have a hunch he’s not big on the whole matrimony game

  16. Clearly this commercial is just a message to this guy’s ex-wife.

  17. He has on a wedding ring.

  18. You just take your newborn baby and your newborn bang-daddy to Reno for three months, establish residency, and we’ll tell you when it’s time to crack open the champagne.

  19. I do agree with him on one thing. This website IS a work of art.

  20. Are you married to a zombie or ghost and unsure the best way to go about obtaining a divorce without having your brains eaten? Are you owed money by an undead person, and uncertain about which jurisdiction is proper for collections?

    Hi, my name is Mans. I am an attorney with PizzaWormy, PC, the nation’s premier boutique law firm specializing in zombie, ghost, and collections law. Whether you are seeking to divorce a shambling, rotting corpse or you wish to have a guardian appointed for a wayward spirit, PizzaWormy is uniquely positioned to help you.

    With a combined five years of experience in the legal field, but decades of experience hiding under the bed at night, sure that ever thump is some dreadful thing, mouth yawing wide with inconceivable cosmic horror, teeth dripping with the fecund ichor of ancient days…I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought.

    Anyway, call us. We are able to take your claim for little money, and often in exchange for Garbage Pail Kids. We all know the pain of feeling like you can’t escape the groaning horror of life. Let us help and also bill you for it.

    (THIS AN ADVERTISEMENT)

  21. The secret to a peppy script:

  22. This is your ex-husband.

  23. Now I know what I’m getting Jeb for Christmas!

  24. aw, i was looking for entertaining CC…. and this happened. :(
    “work of art”

  25. let’s paint, exercise, get divorced and make rhombi over and over with our thumb and index finger!

  26. He speaks of the end of the pompatus of love.

  27. He looks like he is on the verge of hysterical laughter.

    All the way to the bank.

  28. It was his unbridled enthusiasm that sold it for me

  29. Yes! Get more divorces and keep future me in business!

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