Don Draper’s got an important business call. He’s all business. “Buy! Sell! We need to close this deal and I won’t take no for an answer. You’re fired.” Oh, wait, that’s not the head of General Motors he’s talking to, that is the sexy doctor he is talking to. And when he schedules a lunchtime business meeting it’s not a lunchtime business meeting at all, it’s a lunchtime BANGNESS meeting (sorry). Seriously, though, the doctor is all banged out. And yet she hardly even touches her sandwich! You know, when you say over the phone that you’re going to get sandwiches and discuss business as a cover story for how you are really going to go home and bang, you don’t ACTUALLY need to buy sandwiches if you don’t want sandwiches. I’m sorry to get so hung up on this point, but as someone who RESPECTS sandwiches, I don’t like to see a good sandwich, especially a sandwich wrapped in wax paper, just languish on a counter somewhere, even if they are languishing for sex reasons. At the very least, I want to see Don Draper and the doctor sitting in bed, hair all fucked out, faces all glossy, complimenting each other on each other’s sex, and then EATING THOSE SANDWICHES. At the very least! Don has clearly given the doctor keys to his apartment. That was fast! Last week he was Mr. Hard to Get and this week he is Mr. Married to the Doctor Already Practically. He tells her to let herself out and then he goes to the office reeking of sex and announces that he’s taking a nap. Uh, you guys, we are seriously all in the wrong line of work.

Of course, the real story of taking a one way ticket to Lunchtime Bang Town is that you open up the possibility that 12 years later your chronic masturbator of a daughter will run away from home and ride the rails like a masturbating hobo all the way to your office and her bitch of a mother won’t even come get her and you’ll have to fucking take fucking care of your fucking daughter for a whole night. ALWAYS WRAP IT UP, FELLAS! Oh, hi, Sally.

Seriously, though, while I know that Don Draper could be working harder to get his plaque up on the wall for Employee of the Year in the Fatherhood Department, Betty needs to chill with the unapologetic loathing of her children. “Like it’s so fun to raise her?” she spits into the phone. Yikes. Has Xanax been invented yet? Betty, get into your time machine and travel to whenever Xanax was created and take a Xanax. You need 2 chillllllll. And Don needs to get back to his meeting with some racists. Don asks the doctor to take Sally back to his apartment and hang out with her. Yikes. Classic second date stuff. Definitely not forcing someone into an almost impossibly uncomfortable and intense situation right after you started dating them and this will definitely not become an issue later in the episode, I’m sure. They’ll probably just have a great time but never have to talk about it because it’s so cool and not a problem!

Oh no! You guys!

It’s just a tough world out there. And if it gets any tougher, Don might never finish his meeting with the racists! Speaking of the racists, Peggy has a forced encounter (lesbians are clever!) at a bar with a dude who is DEFINITELY wearing your yellow turtleneck under your leather jacket. He gets very political very quickly, because he knows how to treat a lady. Peggy explains that she has no sympathy for black people because no one cares about women. Yikes. I mean, yes, of course, but also no, not at all. This was 1965, though, so they didn’t have the concept of things that are or are not “mutually exclusive” yet. Other things they did not have: VCRs, flip-up Dwayne Wayne sunglasses, BlueTooth headsets. “Oh sure,” the guy smirks, “we’ll have a civil rights march for WOMEN.” HAHAHAHA. Fist bump. Regardless of where you stand on the women’s lib of man-hating lesbians, I think we can all agree that when you are trying to impress a lady, you should definitely make fun of the last thing she said with a condescending, smirking tone/face. You’ll be beating women off with a stick! Literally! Because you’re a hateful sexist asshole!

Meanwhile: ROGER AND JOAN. Fuck. You guys. I honestly wish that I could just carve a tiny hole inside the flirty, humid space between those two and curl up and DIE.

They are both married and they are both miserable and they both love each other and they both can’t admit it and they both have their issues, but boy, it is fun to watch them struggle with all of that TOGETHER. At first, Roger really steps in it because Joanie’s Forever Boyfriend has been called up to Heaven (Vietnam, but BASICALLY). So he sends her a massage. Slick! So slick. Let’s be honest: “send someone a massage” went in the Gentleman’s Handbook last night. “NOTE TO SELF: FIND OUT IF THIS IS REAL.” Joan loves it, duh, but then she is skeptical. Next thing you know, Roger’s going to be buying a couple of sandwiches that no one’s actually supposed to eat, and then where will they be? Eventually, though, Roger convinces her to have a meal with him, and if I can’t just carve a tiny hole inside the flirty, humid space between those two and curl up and DIE, then I would at least like to become the piece of cheesecake that they share. And DIE.

Then they get mugged! Then they TOTALLY DO IT! It’s a lot like the climactic airport tarmac scene in Speed. The next day, Roger apologizes, but Joan doesn’t want an apology. She does, however, want everyone to remember THEIR HUSBANDS AND WIVES AT HOME. Eek. Luckily, I am dead, so I don’t have to think about the moral insufficiency of their romance.

Roger also gets the line of the episode if not the season if not the entire show ever, re: Mrs. Blankenship: “She died like she lived, surrounded by the people she answered phones for.” Incredible. Although here comes Bert Cooper with “She was born in 1898 in a barn. She died on the 37th floor of a skyscraper. She was an astronaut.” Good lord. Who knew?! Mrs. Blankenship, the face that launched a thousand GREAT LINES.

Sally and Don have some decent father-daughter bonding time over rum-soaked French toast, but eventually it is time for her to go home to her horrible, beautiful mother. But she doesn’t want to go. Like, REALLY doesn’t want to go. She wants to masturbate at her dad’s house full-time. Don asks the doctor to go talk to her.

Oh boy. Don. Come on. Dude. Buddy. Friendo. You’re a slick-talking 65-year-old business owner. Why don’t you come up with five clever slogans for how bad of an idea that is and have them on my desk by good grief o’clock. Sally jets down the hall and then the jet comes in for a landing. BOOM. Classic faceplant (classic because 1965). (Sally Draper, of course, would grow up to found Break.com.) Uh oh. Some secretary helps her up and later cries. Excuse me, but is everyone’s moon cycles aligned? Is that what is happening here? Don escorts a smush-faced Sally out to reception where her nightmarish, gorgeous cunt of a mother is waiting with a lit cigarette. And ALL of the Draper women come out to greet her. Ha!!!!

Yuck, Betty.

Get out of here, Betty.

Keep going.

Further.

Goodbye.

The doctor confronts Don about this whole, you know, making her be a mother to his child two minutes into their relationship thing. But for as much as Don can be obtuse about human interactions and the ways in which other people live a life compelled by human emotions, there is one thing that he is not obtuse about, and that is how to keep the Bang Flame alive. You never want to snuff out the Bang Flame, unless you’ve lit it with a secretary, or a pain-in-the-ass. But the doctor is neither of those things (yet), so Don is like “Don’t worry about being a good mother-figure because it doesn’t matter. I don’t even give a shit about those kids. Let’s get some sandwiches.”

All of the women get into the elevator. Good night, ladies. Please take care of yourselves!

Comments (90)
  1. “I would have my secretary do it but she’s dead.”
    and the GIF of Sally falling flat on her face….

  2. When is Christine O’Donnell going to make a special guest appearance to speak with Sally about her “bad habit”?

  3. I’m getting a little tired of waiting for Don to show some compassion toward his family, or anyone, really.

  4. Is it me, or are these recaps getting more and more perfect? I’m pretty sure Gabe’s last Mad Men recap of the season will reach apotheosis and ascend bodily into heaven.

  5. For the record, I would be more than willing to accompany Christina Hendricks through bad neighborhoods. And, y’know, if we get mugged, we get mugged. Who’s to say what would happen after that?

  6. Uh, is NO ONE going to talk about Joan’s Jammies, Pony Tail, and Glasses?!!!

    Kabooom!

  7. “If in the first act you have hung a sandwich on the wall, then in Act 3 someone should fuck it. Otherwise don’t put it there.”
    –the famous “Gabe’s Sandwich” principle of drama

  8. Isn’t “masturbating hobo” redundant?

  9. I summed up the Civil Rights discussion and tied it in with the Sally Draper plotline.

    HIRE ME MATTHEW WEINER

  10. Jezebel is going to deconstruct the shit out of this episode…

  11. Also: Boston got straight-out snapped by Cosgrove. “Same thing.”

  12. “I’m taking everything interesting with me.” – Don Draper

  13. That one secretary, the one who picked up Sally Draper after she fell at the end, she looks like Liv Tyler.

  14. That’s rum. Read labels.

  15. My dad texted me during the show last night to say that “I would have my secretary do it, but she’s dead” made him laugh almost as much as “Can you tell Ray Charles to clean this up?” from last week and suddenly I wanted to drive the three hours to my parents house and fall at their feet thanking them for not being Don and Betty. And then make them rum french toast.

    • Does bonding with your parents over Mad Men ever make you feel… dirty? I just can’t do it.

      • I don’t even tell mine I watch it. Ugh.

      • It works out best if we don’t actually watch it together. Although when my parents do bring up the dirty parts, they use hilarious old timey expressions that are basically period-relevant.
        “Didn’t the dreamboat get in trouble for making time with his secretary?” -my Mom
        “He’s Don Draper. He finds the talent and he makes whoopie with it.” -my Dad

  16. Give that girl an emmy for her January Jones imitation. I mean, seriously, how good was that? Totally acting like the woman she thinks her dad wants.

  17. Not even a mention of how Roger gave Joan a massage, “tip included” and then later gave her a mugging, tip included?

    See what I did there? You see.

  18. What a .giffable episode!

  19. guys, do you think peggy will still become a lesbian? Even though she got into the STRAIGHTS ONLY elevator at the end???

  20. Oh man, I don’t care if it’s basically one of Family Guy’s favorite gags. Don and Ken Cosgrove trying to conduct a meeting with Pete Campbell cleaning up Miss Blankenship in the background was the best thing everrrrrrrrr. I’m going back to staring at that gif for the rest of the day.

  21. We’re made to think Don is a changed man and it’s true, he’s a dick in a new way to reflect the change in the times. He’s a sensitive jerk now. Dispatch your DOCTOR girlfriend who’s more important to the company that you are to babysit your responsibility, make her deal with the tantrum you caused because you’re a shitty father and then when she calls you out on it, look sad but make it about her adequacy and then kiss her because she’s suddenly dumb now. Also, yell at the ex-wife character who is made almost entirely disgusting right now because we need Don to be sympathetic this season.

    [insert overtly sexist/racist scene meant to shock that's standard for every episode]

    Kill off only woman who doesn’t coddle Don.

    What else? Oh, is anyone else creeped out by the fact that the 3rd time a black man was put on this show that he mugged our beloved Joan? I haven’t read a review of this episode that didn’t quickly gloss over the whole black man mugging followed by a take advantage of her fear banging on the staircase. Ew.

    ‘Jesus, what a mess’
    ‘Part of it’s good, right?’
    -Matthew Weiner

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