The Vanilla Ice Project

Hey, there isn’t a new TV show premiering next month in which Vanilla Ice flips mansions in Palm Beach, Florida is there? Because that just seems like such a ridiculous premise for a show. So, I’m sure there isn’t a show like that, right? Oh. There is? Weird. From the New York Times:

On Oct. 14 at 9 p.m. E.S.T., the DIY Network will show the first episode of “The Vanilla Ice Project,” Mr. Van Winkle’s new reality series. The show, which documents his skills as a handyman, follows him and a team of workers as they renovate a 7,000-square-foot, six-bedroom house in Palm Beach, Fla.

Haha. SURE. You know what? I THROW MY HANDS UP AT THIS POINT. Between this and Steven Seagal Is A Police Boy and Tony Danza’s Yo Teach!, I’m not even sure why I continue to feign surprise. OF COURSE there is a show about Vanilla Ice flipping mansions in Palm Beach, Florida. NO DUH. What did you expect? For Vanilla Ice NOT to make a show about flipping mansions in Palm Beach, Florida? Now who is the one being weird?

Trailer for The Vanilla Ice Project, which is real, after the jump:

Obviously, that is your home designer. SO LET’S TALK TO HIM!

New York Times: Did you start building and renovating homes because you were interested in design? [Ed note: Good question! If you may allow me to answer: no. He didn't.]

Vanilla Ice: Not at all. Basically, when I had a lot of money when I was younger, I said — like most rock stars who are young and dumb — let me go buy a bunch of houses. So I bought houses in L.A., in Laurel Canyon right next door to Michael J. Fox; on Star Island, next door to Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith; in Utah; and on Bleecker Street in New York City.

Three years went by. I never used any of them, and I thought it was the worst investment of my life. So I said, “Let’s sell everything, and I’ll have one primary house here in Miami.”

When I sold them, I made, on each one of them, $300,000 to $400,000. I stopped in my tracks and said, “It can’t be that easy.” But it was.

Cool? Cool story? I can just hear him saying that in a pitch meeting and they were, like, “CUT! PRINT!” It’s almost too fascinating to

NYT: Tell me about the house in Palm Beach.

VI: It was a tax-lien property. We auctioned on it. The house, before I even touched it, already appraised at over $800,000, and I got it for $400,000, so I had a lot of room to play with. It was completely gutted — they took every cabinet, every sink, every toilet, every door and door frame.

VI: It worked out good for me, because it shows really nasty on the show, and then we fix it up amazing. I use a lot of new things in this house that people have never seen in home building before, like ultra-modern, cool, high-tech things that even if you don’t care about Vanilla Ice you’re going to be entertained by. [Ed. note: EVEN if you don't care about Vanilla Ice!]

NYT: Like what?

VI: Most people aren’t accustomed to seeing mood lighting. If you’re in a bad mood, the lights will go red, and they’ll go blue if you’re in a good mood. [Ed. note: IT'S NOT A HOUSE, IT'S A HOME!]

NYT: How does that work?

VI: There’s some kind of sensor, like I guess a mood-ring sensor thing. I really don’t know, I still can’t figure out how it works, but it’s amazing. They’re all done in fiber optics. When they’re off, you can’t tell they’re in the house. [Ed. note: Ah yes, state-of-the-art mood-ring sensor thing lights.]

Golden age of television, I’m sure.

Comments (60)
  1. Hopefully, at the end, we’ll all learn a little about stopping, collaborating, and listening.

  2. Originally, this was going to be a documentary about how Vanilla Ice has been reduced to squatting in foreclosed mansions, but then some smartass gave him a tool belt and turned it into a reality show.

    • These former stars have to do SOMETHING to stay in the public eye. Let’s all just be glad he didn’t choose to go the sex tape route.

  3. Golden Age of New York Times, while we’re at it.

  4. This is such a ripoff that one Queen/David Bowie Palm Beach mansion flipping show.

  5. You know,he’s just sampling the same show premise Queen and David Bowie were gonna do

  6. Let’s hope he takes the whole cool as ice thing too far and the house ends up looking like this

  7. So he just sells the houses and then keeps the money? Cool show.

    Me watching The Vanilla Ice Project:

  8. Is this a spin-off from the Vanilla Ice show where he was flipping burgers?

  9. “They’re saying that this house is just the same as before, but it’s totally different now. The counter tops used to be all ‘duh duh duh duh duh duh duh’, but now they’re like ‘duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh’.”

  10. I miss the “What We Talk About When We Talk About __________” posts.

    This article could have been called “What We Talk About When We Talk About Vanilla Ice”

  11. i live for ed. notes from gabe.

  12. If you’re not gonna make a show about Suge Knight dangling Vanilla Ice off a balcony by his ankles, why bother making a Vanilla Ice show at all?

  13. Robert van Winkle
    Vanilla Ice

    Man, Mr. Cool Names has cornered the market on cool names, huh?

  14. Yes, Vanilla Ice. Invest in Florida real estate. There is no way you’ll lose money with THAT.

  15. Your move, MC Hammer.

  16. I wonder which of his mansions he bought with his check from appearing in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze?
    because that is how I choose to remember Vanilla

    • I think that’s how everyone should remember him (those hammer pants are funky fresh and supa-dupa fly, yo!).

      If TMNT doesn’t make a surprise appearance, this show will be a complete fail.

  17. Question: Are Robert Van Winkle and Rip Van Winkle the same guy?

  18. The first step in real estate investing is buying property next to houses owned by Michael J. Fox, Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith. The rest is cake — with Vanilla Icing!

  19. I’ll watch, everything Vanilla Ice does is great.

  20. The headline alone doubled my LOLk portfolio.

  21. I prefer “Ice-T Causes Crib Death”

  22. I must admit, I watch a lot of those home improvement-y shows (b/c I live in an apartment? where I can’t improve anything?) and this actually looks 2% more entertaining than 3% of them.

    that said, I’d rather see Vanilla Ice teach kids and Tony Danza flips houses.

  23. If he could get Suge Knight to dangle him off the balconies before he flips them he could get a higher asking price due to their newfound cultural significance.

  24. It sure is going to be awkward when the crew orders a pizza, and vanilla ice is the guy who delivers it

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