Bridalplasty

It has long been believed that the world would end in 2012, but new information suggests that the world might end as early as whenever the fuck this new show called Bridalplasty on E! is coming out. Holy cow. From the Hollywood Reporter:

In one of the most shocking reality TV ideas yet, E! has ordered a new series that crosses a wedding competition with extreme plastic surgery.

The network is set to announce “Bridalplasty,” where brides-to-be compete in wedding-themed challenges to win extensive surgical procedures.

Sure, we’ve all seen brides-to-be competing in wedding themed challenges to win minor surgical procedures, but finally, a show in which brides-to-be compete in wedding-themed challenges to win EXTENSIVE surgical procedures. Neat!

“All of my ancestors have guided me to this moment and I stand on all of their shoulders to watch this horrifying nightmare show.” — Amistad.

Is it possible for America to CHOP ITS OWN HEAD OFF? But wait, it gets better (so worse). Wait until you hear the FULL DESCRIPTION:

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her “wish list.” She’s given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week’s episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show’s description, “possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride.”

The last bride standing will receive a “dream wedding,” where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery,” E! said.

HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE: “she is given the procedure immediately” “walking away with NOTHING” “losing the chance to be the PERFECT BRIDE” and “his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar.” Look, I’m not actually going to crack my brain in half and go on a killing spree, but if there was ever a reality show that could possibly crack my brain in half and force me to go on a killing spree, Bridalplasty would be in the TOP THREE. If anything, it just makes me feel old? Because I can already hear my hover-grandchildren out on the iPorch making fun of me for thinking that you shouldn’t show a woman’s anus being ripped out through her mouth on live television. “Face it, grandpa,” they are all laughing and downloading, “your time is OVER,” not even realizing that my time been had over for years.

Comments (91)
  1. “Please pack your knives and go.”

  2. “Camilla is constructing her perfect honeymoon: An overnight stay in the Omaha LaQuinta, 2 front-row tickets to see Marylin Manson, and a candle lit dinner for 2 at the Westroads Mall Arby’s. She hopes to win silicone horn implants for the crown of her head.”

  3. This has the potential to be amazing “See the look on the bride’s face as her veil is lifted and she sees the groom has been getting plastic surgery, and now she’s not the only bride in the room!”

  4. Oh, how I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to use this picture!

  5. Because that’s what every man wants–to lift the veil of his blushing bride, the woman that he has come to love and with whom he desires to be one and live out the rest of his days, on their wedding day…and see a complete stranger. Barf.

  6. One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show’s description, “possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride.”

    This just makes me sad. So very, very sad.

  7. This all just made me unbearably sad. Just so unbearably sad.

    • Great Mans sad alike.

    • This is sadder than Intervention and Hoarders put together (surgically).

      • Is there a way to combine weddings, hoarding, extreme plastic surgery, midget small-business owners and interventions? (shoots self)

        • The Little Chocolatier Meth Addict Who Wants to Look Like Jennifer Lopez But Can’t Get Married Until She Finds Her Wedding Dress Beneath 26 Years of Filth and Dead Cats (You listening Hollywood? I’m ready to receive all your money.)

    • How the hell do they send a girl who friggin has had breast cancer and only wants her breasts back to normal and keep those shady self centered bitches who want just want the shit to screw up there body more….this show is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen and will express to everybody….

  8. Now they’ll have perfect faces to go with their perfect and not-at-all-damaged senses of self.

  9. The best we can hope for is that this idea gets enough backlash to just not get made. Because whoa, what a nightmare. I hope they haven’t already started hacking up perfectly adequate women who are already obviously loved. I join lilbobbytables and Mans in their sadness.

  10. Having the bad habit of not actually reading things but just kind of almost reading them, I was at first very intrigued by the reality TV idea of Birdoplasty. What’s under those bandages!

  11. We should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happ….. Nope! Fuck this. Fuck them. Fuck me.

    • What’s saddest about this is that I can’t imagine an outcome in which anybody involved in this show comes out happy at the end. A woman whose self-image is so warped that she has to go have extensive facial and/or bodily surgery? Her loss of identity afterward? The man who was planning to marry her only to have her go away for months, and the “best case scenario” being that she comes back looking (and probably acting) completely different? Her family and friends who will now have to look twice at her to make sure they’re not accidentally talking to a stranger? The people who don’t win this show and go home with no surgery or, maybe worse, only partial surgery, plus the feeling that they’ll never be the “perfect bride”? The idea of one singular “perfect bride” to begin with?

      Thinking about this show seriously sends my mind spinning into a really dark place. Is there a Shiba Inu puppy live feed going on anywhere right now?

  12. “if there was ever a reality show that could possibly crack my brain in half and force me to go on a killing spree, Bridalplasty would be in the TOP THREE.” So, um, I’m guessing 2 and 3 are Paradise Hotel and Love Cruise?

  13. my bucket list just read this post, turned to me and said: you’d better get to work.

  14. bing is killing it on this one: “2012 OR 9/11 Of The Face” can’t we have both?

  15. The Discovery Channel gunman picked the wrong network.

  16. the part i really don’t get is that the competitors vote off the other brides. like, “SHE does not deserve to be humiliated on TV in order to get her face plasticized? she is so unworthy.” huh?

  17. Plastic surgery horrifies me. We all worry about how we look. We all want to be desirable and attractive, but what makes people truly and actually attractive and desirable is looking like a unique, individual human being in all of our too big, too small, wrong-shape, crooked glory.

  18. Sweet fancy Moses. It’s like the publicists got their TV show press release mixed up with their horror movie press release.

  19. Nothing can touch “The Swan” in the nightmare department. To have two women go through extensive plastic surgery and then send one of them home because she (still) wasn’t pretty enough. Ugh.

    • I was just trying to remember the name of that show! It was HORRIBLE! Plus they showed all of the major complications that can accompany extensive, invasive surgery (fucking DUH), the incredible pain they were in afterward, both physically and emotionally, and the shocked/hurt/angry looks on their loved ones’ faces when they were “revealed.”

    • But I also somehow think Bridalplasty is worse because it includes all of that, PLUS ALSO one of those nightmare bridezilla shows that perpetuates this idea that unless your wedding is p-e-r-f-e-c-t, you can’t have a happy day or life.

    • I was 13 when that show aired. The perfect age for that show to creep into my teenage low self esteem nightmares. Yuck yuck yuck yuck. #barf

  20. I would slam my head into a wall, but I’m afraid that if I did, I would be forced to compete in wedding-themed challenges to win extensive surgical procedures.

  21. Whoever loses the vow-writing competition, or whatever banal waste-of-time competition they are doing, should be given immediate painful and botched Tara Reid surgeries, and then cast into the Pit of Despair for looking like a monster. The winner, of course, should also be cast into the Pit of Despair, just for being a complete monster on the inside.

  22. So no one wants to talk about their favorite “The Swan” episodes?

  23. RESET BUTTON!

    #please

  24. Dear Modern Life: Please top making far-fetched science fiction plots come to life. Thank you, I appreciate it.

    • Yeah my mind alternates between “Climbing for Cash” and a crowd of people shouting “JUICE MASTER! JUICE MASTER!”

  25. I’m looking forward to the show they’re going to do if this one is successful in any way: People who compete to get amputations to settle their legal debts.

  26. Look at their entire schedule – I think E! is pretty much trying to bring about the apocalypse before 2012. The world can only take so much horrible reality TV before it self-implodes.

  27. I can’t wait for the final show, when a semi-famous celebrity condescendingly tells them that they are all pretty in the inside, even though participating in this kind of reality show pretty much means that they have the fugly-ass insides.

  28. This thread needs to be sad draped.

  29. I’m a photographer, and I work a lot of weddings (MISTER COOL!) and I wish I could tell you that this wouldn’t have a contestant pool. It will.

    The only hope we can have is that the invading race of aliens hiding behind the moon will intercept the series premier 48 hours prior to attacking us, and they’ll see not only that we’re cruel, but we are capable of endless variants of cruelty, and that their vastly superior weapons just don’t match our lunacy. But they kill us anyway, cuz we earned it.

  30. “2012 OR 9/11 Of The Face” would be a movie I would want to watch.

  31. Brief beauty stories, all true:

    My neighbor (in the building of failed actors) got her boobs enhanced and changed her nose because she always wanted bigger boobs (she advanced from C to Inhuman) and because she was convinced she was not getting any acting jobs because her nostrils were not perfectly aligned. A casting director told her so: “But your nostrils are not perfectly aligned.” I suspect it was the caster’s polite/severely misguided way of saying “You are not cut out to act, please stop trying.” But it preyed on the girl, and so she went on a TV show and got a new nose, because the TV show paid for it. She is not someone I would call “completely stable” but she is nice.

    A woman I used to work with derides everyone who isn’t on the level of George Clooney or Brad Pitt as “ugly.” She famously refused to watch Sideways because “Who cares what happens to ugly people?” This is her approach to life. She has been married four times, each time to someone rich, and she says love isn’t real. I think she doesn’t want to believe it, and doesn’t want to admit she doesn’t believe it, and feels a lot of pressure to be fabulous.

    A girl I worked with used to be a model when she was 17-20. I know this because she papered her cube with old magazine ads featuring herself. She also placed a giant mirror, the size of her computer monitor, right next to her monitor, I guess so she could glance at herself all day. She was very nice — but what the heck was that?

    A girl I am proud to say I dated for a while was “discovered” when she was 18 and was sent by Ford to a modeling school. She was tall with elfin features and destined to be a runway model. Except she hated the school. “They tried to tell me how to walk. I know how to walk.” So she quit. But I still tell everyone I once dated a runway model, because this reflects well on me.

    Long ago I had a friend who worked at Victoria’s Secret. “Every single one of those girls is airbrushed,” she said. “Except Stephanie Seymour.”

    In my P.A. days I had a huge crush on Catherine Zeta Jones. And then I almost literally ran into her, as I was rushing around a corner and she came from the other direction. I hit the airbrakes and avoided a collision but we were face to face. She sneered at me and my only thought was: “Oh my god. You’re not amazing. You look totally ordinary.” It was weird.

    I dated a makeup girl for a while. While watching TV, she taught me how to spot who has bad skin in real life. I still notice sometimes. You can tell. Makeup and lighting do wonders.

    I took an acting class, just for fun. I felt I did pretty good. I was psyched. And then we got the DVD of our final scenes. And all I could see, the whole scene, was how massively different in color one of my teeth looked from all the others. That was literally the only thing I could look at. It does not look so discolored in the mirror, or in photos; it is just a cap that the dentist didn’t match precisely right. But in Hi-Def on a big TV while I was imagining myself to be Paul Newman — Yikes City. I can’t rewatch that DVD. It makes me feel like a freak.

  32. I wanted to make a “Which guy will get plastic surgery when they legalize gay marriage?” joke, but I couldn’t come up with anything funny.

    FML?

  33. My plastic surgery wishlist!

    Weird mole on neck-ectomy!
    Collagen lips!
    Epicanthic fold!
    Cyanide capsule implanted in molar so I can just chomp down and end this misery!
    Calf implants!

  34. I want to refuse to believe that none of the women actually going on this show have real-life fiances, but I know that there are plenty of messed up people who are chomping on the bit to get on tv and will do anything to accomplish that “goal.”

  35. This is the worst thing to happen to marriage since the show Moment of Truth.

  36. My really good family friend is actually on this show. She didn’t win, and she wasn’t aloud to say anything. But she had a huge bandage on her nose so she definitely got a nose job

  37. I just got a look at the contestants. Stunning girls already, I can’t see why they need surgery. And the #1 procedure listed on almost every contestants wishlist… LIPOSUCTION! Just eat healthier and hit the gym. Problem solved.

  38. Yup. I, unfortunately, have a relative on this show. She didn’t win but made it pretty (haha) far through. Which is a double edged sword. Are you too stupid to win or so stupid that you do win? In our favor, this branch of the family is stunned by the stupidity of all this.
    And yes, she really does have a fiancé.

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