There was no recap two weeks ago because we live in a complicated world and sometimes recaps don’t happen. In retrospect, I’m not even sure if I saw the whole episode? I know that Vampire Eric made a deal with Vampire King of Mississippi in a Vampire Museum to deliver him the Fairy Sookie so that he could taste her sweet nectar and become a “sun-walker,” the most elusive of Vampire Dreams. (Oh good LORD!) And also were-pumas and Sam having his period and Arlene is having a voodoo baby or something. Tara and Sam got it in. The little boy who is also a dog robbed a safe. Sookie’s fairy dreams demand that she jump into the graveyard chandelier swimming pool before they steal her “light.” Bill sells Sookie out and the vampires pass her around like a bong? And finally: silver handcuffs in a parking lot. Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on in this show FOR ADULTS, but I do know that this week is the season finale, and that tastes sweeter to me than any fairy blood from a pinch-faced magic waitress.

AND SO: Vampire Eric has silver-handcuffed (right) himself to Vampire King of Mississippi in the graffitoed parking-lot of Fangtasia so that they can die together and he will have his final revenge on the werewolf-lord who killed his Viking father 1,000 years ago. (My landlord really needs to appreciate what I do to ensure that he gets his money on time!)

I guess when you drink fairy blood you can’t actually go out in the sun? Or you can? It seems like you kind of can and also can’t, because they keep saying that you can, but now you can’t. Another Klassic Kase of True Blood‘s Rubber Rules. Ghost Godric (oh boy) appears to Eric in a vision and asks that Eric not kill Vampire King but rather show mercy and forgiveness. Of course, one has to again wonder, if Vampires are undead creatures without feelings or souls, HOW DO THEY HAVE GHOSTS? But nevermind, right? “Nevermind! We don’t care!” — Adult American TV Viewers. Eric refuses to show mercy because he misses his daddy a lot.

Sookie wakes up from her dream about MAGICAL CHANDELIERS (no joke) and rushes out to save Eric. The Vampire King talks some trash and she blows up the silver handcuffs (right) with her magic forcefields (right) and then she blasts the Vampire King in the face and drags Eric inside by the scruff of his leather coat. She makes Bill bite her arm so that she can feed Eric her blood so that he can heal from almost dying in the sun from when he silver-handcuffed himself to a Vampire King in the parking lot to avenge his viking father’s Nazi werewolf death. IS IT TOO EARLY TO START DRINKING?

Eventually, Sookie goes outside and rescues the Vampire King with a silver chain around his throat and they tie him to a stripper’s pole and then all the Vampires have to go down to the basement and nap. Sookie stays to guard him, and he tries to make some kind of deal with her where he gives her 5 million dollars and his mansion in exchange for her untying him from the stripper pole and allowing him to kill everyone. Haha. Good deal! This guy is the Howie Mandel of Vampires! Sookie pours his dead gay vampire lover’s rotten guts down the garbage disposal. He sad.

Lafayette is having vampire blood drug visions. He calls his boyfriend on a payphone.

Wait a second. Really? Lafayette, the tough-talking, fabulous homosexual with a lucrative drug trade DOESN’T OWN A CELL PHONE? Lafayette FAIL! They’ve got very competitive pricing plans these days, Lafayette! I’m sure he’s just anxious about signing a two-year agreement, but he shouldn’t be anxious, considering that he’s, you know, a drug dealer who lives in a town full of pumawolves and Vampires. Surely a cell phone contract is the least scary of those monsters. Also his boyfriend is a witch now? Bonk! BONK BONK BONK! That is the sound my head makes when I smash it against my floor!

Sam shoots his dog brother in the back. Sam is a JERKSHIFTER! Jason. Meth. Methwolves. Pantherdogs. Tara gets a haircut, remains the worst.

MOVING ON!

Alcide comes to the Vampire bar to protect Sookie. Bill gives him the eye. They give each other the eye. The Vampire King makes fun of Alcide for pretending to be a nice guy when he is a KILLER WEREWOLF, to which Alcide replies “RABBITS AND SQUIRRELS ONLY.” Hahahhahahaha. Rabbits and squirrels, LADIES. “I wouldn’t kick this guy out of bed for eating RABBITS AND SQUIRRELS.” — Your mom. Bill and Eric leave the bar to bury the Vampire King in cement for “100 years.” Haha. Sure. That is a really tough threat when you are immortal, I’m sure. Also, what is that all about? Burying him in cement. Give me a break. But then Bill pulls a classic Switcheroo! and buries Eric in cement. Everyone is buried in cement now. CEMENT PARTY!

Bill tells Sookie that he will do whatever he can to protect her even if it means not being in her life anymore, and that is why he buried Eric in cement. haha. And he will continue to bury everyone in cement until Sookie is safe, that is the Bill Promise. Even though Sookie is not sure why he had to bury Eric in cement, she does appreciate his attempts to keep her safe using so much cement, but uh oh, here comes Eric, covered in cement. He cockblocks the SHIT out of Bill’s Vampire Cock (gross, but that is the medical term). He explains that Bill only even knows Sookie because the Queen sent him to know her, and you remember that first night in Merlotte’s parking lot when Sookie got beat up (NO I DON’T BECAUSE BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DO NOT SPEND ALL OF MY TIME THINKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON THIS SHITTY PIECE OF SHIT SHITSHOW SIX YEARS AGO) that was just one of Bill’s classic Short Cons (see also: Cement Town). Sookie is so mad that she rescinds her invitation to her house and Bill literally goes flying through the air because this show is a fucking joke. Oh, and if you were wondering how Eric managed to get out of the cement, enjoy wondering because you will always wonder for “100 years.”

Bill float fights (?) the queen. Eric goes to wash his face. Sookie disappears in a magic graveyard fairy chandelier explosion. UGH. This show! BURY THIS SHOW IN CEMENT PLEASE. After the credits Alan Ball explains that they’re already hard at work on season 4 and we are going to “learn where Sookie went.” OH BOY! It’s so sad that we have to wait a whole year for this show to return to television, you guys. So fucking sad. The saddest, probably. Blood tears.

Comments (71)
  1. You mad. You mad that Hoyt didn’t say “Hey” to you when he was a safety patrol and helped you safely cross the street.

    • I kept waiting for Hoyt’s mom to tell him to “stop playing dat damn fooseball.” Because this show is almost as clever as a “Waterboy” reference.

  2. so jason stackhouse is king of the meth panthers now? this is one of the worst plot progressions this show has ever taken.

    • Man, if that’s all that happens in that plotline, I will consider myself lucky, considering how stupid the plotline is in the books.

  3. Having a humans-only party in this town must be as well attended as my bbq’s*

    *no one came to my bbq

  4. i actually like this show, but this season has been pretty meh. i’d be disappointed that it will be gone for a year, but sunday nights will have boardwalk empire and bored to death.

    but seriously, there was no cliffhanger. i don’t care where sookie went, and i don’t care if bill kills the queen, etc. the only characters i actually care about are jessica/hoyt and lafayette.

    • If Hoyt’s mom kills Jessica I am totally done with this show.

    • I’m starting to feel about it the way I felt about Nip/Tuck. All this shit is pointless. Who cares? There’s better ways to waste my time with.

      • Duuuuude. Nip/Tuck. Speaking of shitty shitshows.

        At first I was able to enjoy it, because it’s very silly, but when the kid (who is playing a 17 yr old but def had the hairline of a genetically-unfortunate man in his late 20s) was having sexuality confusion after he found out Famke Janssen was a man, so he went to a tranny bar and took a tranny home, but got very mad and beat up the tranny, then the tranny and her friends followed the kid to high school and chased him and beat HIM up and peed on him.

        After that I was like, “Nope. No. Done.”

        I don’t watch this show because I hate Anna Paquin so much and deeply resent her sudden success, but I can tell my gag reflex is just too sensitive for this pile of vampire barf.

  5. Shout out to concert_addict and dexterbotwin… you guys must be going BANANAS now that you’ve got your recap.

  6. It’s a good thing Jesus is going to teach Lafayette how to be a witch, because we’ve never had a gay witch couple on a show about vampires before.

  7. So if Eric could so easily escape his cement grave (huh?), what makes them think the King of Barfville won’t just as easily get out? I know he was weakened but… nope, can’t bring myself to think about this anymore.

    Can’t wait for a new season full of fairies and witches. :|

  8. I was clapping for joy when Tara drove out of Bon Temps. SO LONG, SUCKER! The people I was watching it with genuinely don’t get why I don’t like Tara so much. ARE THEY WATCHING THE SAME SHOW?

    • SHE IS ALWAYS THE WORST. The only thing she’s ever done that I liked was punt Bill out of that van, because Bill is also the worst.

      • I’m trying to see if Rutina Wesley is coming back next season, but can’t find anything. There’s honestly nowhere else her character can go. She’s had an exorcism, she’s loved and lost with Eggs, she’s been raped by a vampire.

        She’s misery porn. Let the chick have a breather.

        • I hope Hoyt’s momma misses Jessica with her sniper rifle and put’s a wooden bullet in Tara’s head. Then Tara’s mother runs out crying and subsequently also takes a sniper shot to the head.

    • Oh, and my boyfriend cheered when Tara got a haircut. SO LONG, EXTENSIONS!

  9. RE: Eric escaping the cement – I think that it was implied that Pam got him out – she was complaining about not being able to get the cement out of her hair. It wasn’t explicitly stated, but that’s what I’m going with.

    Sookie/fairy cliffhanger was just ridiculous. Who gives a shit? And was that a chandelier that looked like a spaceship or vice versa? Are they fairy aliens? Jesus I hate that whole thing so much, and same goes for Jason as the new king of the idiots. I don’t know why I’m so willing to accept vampires, wereworlves and witches, yet werepanthers and fairies are too much, but that’s how it be.

    But, Hoyt and Jessica and Lafayette and Jesus will bring me back for season 4, so I’d better just learn to ignore the other parts, or start using the fast forward button on the remote.

  10. What the hell is wrong with Jason Stackhouse? Why in the world would you settle for an inbred-methpanther when you are so insanely hot???????

    • I’ve been totally willing to accept Jason’s other love interests, but this chick has always been gross and weird and dumb. I did like that when she said “I love you” as the truck was driving away he just kind of stared at her and didn’t say anything. Ya burnt!

    • I didn’t really understand why he wasn’t like, “UM WHAT I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS.” Get the hell out of there, Jason. But then thinking about it, “Get the hell out of there” is basically my advice for every single character on this show. Someone should really just burn Bone Temps to the ground.

    • What I didn’t get is why the bad were-panther guy was shooting people willy-nilly (including his own uncle father!) but only threatened Jason. Why not just shoot him too? Dumb.

  11. Only 2 weeks until Dexter’s back, you guys!

  12. Sam Merlotte HATES illiteracy.

    “Get a job!”
    “I can’t read!”
    BANG.

  13. I hope the next season will be animated. Just to switch things up (and also so I don’t have to see those stupid faces Sookie makes).

  14. I am just going to go ahead and say the best part of the episode was when Sookie poured the vampire guts in the garbage disposal, and she laughed maniacally. My husband and I couldn’t stop laughing.

  15. This show is just terrible. I love how Allen Ball was sitting on the steps like ” I know this show is awesome and you guys can’t wait for another season, but hang in there because this special show is worth it!” Little does he know he pretty much ruined anything remotely watchable about it (I know there is still nudity! I KNOW OK!). Keep in mind I actually read all the books so I get how this story was intended to be told, whether successfully or not, and I can tell you that the show is just taking the source material and putting it in a blender and then putting it back together with duck tape in a clumsy lazy attempt at story telling.

    • I’m only halfway through Dead Until Dark, but from what I can tell the way it was intended to be told is extremely tediously. Maybe it’s because up to this point it’s followed the show exactly so I already know everything that’s going to happen, but I just can’t make it through more than 5 pages at a time without getting bored.

      • You have to read REALLY FAST. Set your brain on “scan,” because if you fully take in book-Sookie’s TERRIBLE DRESS BARN OUTFITS, the initial recapping of every previous plot (like Babysitters’ Club books!), the one-and-a-half-dimensionality of most characters, and how thin the plots really are, you will never, ever make it through.

        The best parts are how Charlene Harris has thought through the bizarro formalities of vampire/werewolf/werepanther/shifter cultures; all the double-/triple-/quadruple-crossing plot-twists; and the ridiculous sex scenes. Also “Extreme(ly Elegant) Events,” a.k.a “E(E)E.” And how as the books get stupider, the TV show breaks with them, how great those decisions are: book-Jason is TERRIBLE, but TV-Jason is awesome, for example; book-Lafayette barely exists! If you choose to keep reading, you’ll see.

        I’d admit to being ashamed of having read all of them, but it’s too late for that.

        • I heard it takes like 8 books to get to the point we’re at now? I really don’t think I can hang on for that long. Though from my brief skimming it doesn’t seem like Tara is in the first book at all, so maybe I can at least finish that one.

          • I read all the books while on a week long vacation at the beach. I pretty much scanned them and soaked in just enough to know what was going on. Some of the books are so painfully bad that it becomes more of a personal battle to finish rather than an interest to find out what happens plot wise. I think that Sookie’s character in the books is less likable than on the show (yes it is possible). Regardless, each book has a plot with a mystery that is resolved at the end in a linear fashion rather than the show, which has multiple plots some criss crossing some meandering along aimlessly being resolved then unresolved then re-resolved again within one episode or a two episode arc, but never building to a season ending climax.

          • Tara barely exists in the books at all. She runs a clothing store called “Tara’s Togs,” actually owned by Beeeelll, where Sookie occasionally buys hideous pleated slacks in taupe, which she accessorizes with gold jewelry. Eventually Tara marries a dumb jock-type and has a baby. Also, she’s white.

          • Wait…Bill owns a clothing store? Somehow that is dumber than anything else the show has come up with.

            And I actually do like Sookie on the show for the most part. In terms of strong female leads she’s definitely no Buffy Summers or Veronica Mars, but she’s grown on me over the course of the series. Her complete lack of foresight (e.g. going to a werewolf bar and insulting them until someone tries to rape her) somehow makes her endearing to me. What she lacks in thinking ability she makes up for in moxie.

        • Charline Harris seems to keep all the supernatural rules straight and gives you explanations that are at least somewhat acceptable for the world she creates. I feel like the show follows no rules for the world they created and the explanations are really lazy at best.

  16. Ah, the coveted Tame Werewolf Diet. I’m pretty sure that’s how JLo lost her baby weight. It’s pretty simple, really:

  17. Gabe, the main thing you missed by not recapping last episode was how ridiculous this one scene was:

    Seriously?

  18. Can we get a gif of the ridiculous Matrix-style fight between Bill and the queen?

  19. I’m now afraid that the next season premiere of “Treme” will open with Tara driving into New Orleans, where she’ll proceed to ruin that show, too.

  20. ugh. Jason and the V-addicts was the WORST! There was a short-haired woman extra in a dress who looked like she was in utter agony to be cast in this show.

    Can we get a gif of his dumb face after he tells Andy: “Sometimes the right thing to do is to do the wrong thing.”

  21. Why does anyone give a shit about Hoyt and Jessica? They hooked up for one night (at the Vampire hotel last season) and then have been broken up all this time.

    Also, hasn’t the events of the last three seasons all taken place in like 3 weeks?

  22. I love this show. It’s exciting. Never predictable. Doesnt take itself too seriously. And if it does use a clichee, it uses it intelligently. All you haters can kiss my ass and go back to watching Heroes! :D

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