Oh good grief. First of all, let me just say that I recognize that at times I become an instrument of self-parody. “I hate this, I hate that, 2012!” — Gabe. I get it. I am aware. I think that’s just what happens when you spend every single day coming up with 10 “opinions” about 30-second YouTube videos of cats farting in outer space. (And also True Blood is a terrible television show.) And sometimes I play into this role more strongly than others, and sometimes when I do that it makes me mildly uncomfortable because I recognize that I’m giving into a worldview that might not be entirely honest, but is certainly more entertaining to read on a daily basis than a constant, shrugging analysis of how mediocre most things are. All of that being said, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES. We can all agree that last night’s 2010 MTV Video Music Awards was basically the worst thing, right? I mean, I know the MTV Video Music Awards in general are a sad affair completely detached from their original purpose, which was already flimsy at best, but good lord what even was that? Besides just being kind of boring, I actually forgot they were even giving awards out for the first hour. And don’t get me started on Chelsea Handler. OK, you might as well get me started on Chelsea Handler. Chelsea Handler was really bad at doing that! I’m sure hosting an awards show is an incredibly difficult and stressful job, but rarely do you see someone give into the difficulty and stress so completely. Isn’t she used to being on TV? And doesn’t she have a staff of talented writers who craft jokes for her? Then why did it seem like her head was constantly about to roll of her body into Khloe Kardashian’s lap, and why were all of her jokes stolen from a racist comedian’s open mic joke book (from 2008)? It would certainly have been awkward for MTV to have fired her in the middle of the program, but certainly no more awkward than it was letting her keep hosting after the first five minutes. ANYHOW: I didn’t even make it through the whole show, which I am sure is unprofessional, and good luck firing someone who has already quit, but when they made the announcement that we should all stay tuned to “find out how Rihanna’s surprise appearance is blowing up on Twitter in 90 seconds,” I had to turn it off. I’m a fucking adult, for heaven’s sake! My only regret is not finding out what Pop Tarts’ big announcement was. It’s a huge regret, as you can imagine.

Complete list of winners at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards after the jump:

Best Collaboration: Lady GaGa ft. Beyonce Knowles – “Telephone”
Best Female Video: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best Male Video: Eminem – “Not Afraid”
Best Hip-Hop Video: Eminem – “Not Afraid”
Best New Artist: Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris – “Baby”
Best Pop Video: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best Rock Video: 30 Seconds to Mars – “Kings and Queens”
Best Dance Music Video: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Video of the Year: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best Art Direction: Florence and the Machine – “Dog Days Are Over”
Best Choreography: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best Cinematography: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys – “Empire State of Mind”
Best Direction: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best Editing: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best SFX (Special Effects): Muse – “Uprising”
Breakthrough Video: The Black Keys – “Tighten Up”

Comments (88)
  1. Lady Gaga’s prosciutto dress was probably my favourite part of the evening.

    That, and when Cher yelled at everyone for blocking her view of the teleprompter.

  2. What I gather from this, then, is that Lady Gaga is the best at being the worst. Empirically.

  3. There are no winners at the VMAs. Everyone loses.

  4. I guess it makes sense that “Bad Romance” won all the awards, seeing as how it was basically the only music video even made last year.

    • As I sat watching an awards show for music videos last night, I became confused as they started handing out awards, because I’m not entirely sure where one goes to watch music videos these days. Youtube maybe?

      But if that’s the case, I think we need to have an awards show for the best cute animal viral videos (Birdie is a shoe-in, in my opinion.)

  5. “Never stop grumping, Gabe” — teacherman (1980-2060 — I’m one of the lucky, randomly-selected citizens who gets to move into “The Ark” established by president Freeman).

  6. At least Justin Bieber finally got a taste of what it’s really like in high school: Boring Gossipy Popularity Contests, Tricked out Convertibles, Letterman Jackets, and serenading all the screaming tweens that are inexplicably surrounding your high school (SERIOUSLY LITTLE GIRLS, GO BACK TO YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOLS/INTERMEDIATE CENTERS/ELEMENTARY CLASSES)

  7. “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags! Which is basically everyone here” – Kanye

  8. I didn’t see the VMAs, but I do occassionally watch Chelsea Lately on E!, and anyone that has for any amount of time knows that you don’t watch Chelsea Lately for Chelsea Handler, you watch it for all the other comedians. Because She is God Awful at Stand Up/Presenting A Story/Being a TV Host in ANY Capacity. That Said, Bing is just straight LYING it’s ass off today

  9. At first I was like :

    Then I flipped the channel to the football game and I was like:

    Also we have 5 spots left for the Monster Fantasy football league, email me if you are interested.

    • Picking players after the first week of football just seems wrong…plus now everyone will rush to get Adrian Foster even though that was likely a total fluke.

      (football talk on Videogum? weird)

      • Yesterday was one of the most awesome days of being a Texans fan, there could be no better way to beat Peyton.
        Also Arian Foster was not a fluke. He finished last season super strong (as the last running back standing), Slaton fumbled away his chances of ever starting for Kubaik again, plus with Ben Tate’s injury Foster was the go-to-dude. Also, the entire offensive line is healthy as well as running a new system with Kyle Shanahan gone now.

    • OK guyz, all the entries are filled. Thanks for entering.

  10. I liked how wil.i.am was pretty much the Pulp Fiction gimp updated for the 2010 tween crowd.

  11. Last year Taylor Swift won best female video, and Beyonce won best video overall, so this year was at least better in the sense that they did not defy the laws of the universe.

  12. so… justin bieber and lady gaga?

    I feel like I can’t even whine about how awful these people are because when I was twelve or whatever I was probably watching the backstreet boys and marilyn manson on this dumb award show and they’re basically the same people.

  13. ~**~*++~tWiNzZ+_*$^*_

    • I don’t know why, but the comparisons between Marilyn Manson and Lady Gaga make me so happy. I think I read in an interview with her that they’re actually friends!

      Also, Entertainment Weekly had a funny “Pop Culture Math” graphic that said:
      (Madonna + Marilyn Manson) / Phyllis Diller = Lady Gaga.

    • Sadly, I actually miss the days when the oddest thing about Lady Gaga were her hair bows. I hope you all learned your lessons about questioning people’s true gender’s.

      Now how about that Justin Bieber? Totally a girl, amirite? The baggy clothes don’t fool me!

  14. The VMAs gave me a headache and an upset tummy. I was literally unable to watch more than five minutes at a time unless Justin Bieber was there, because Bieber Fever.

  15. ‎”Now Ke$ha, these garbage bags you’re wearing, are they meant to symbolize that you, yourself are trash, or that your music is garbage? Both, you say? Agreed.”

    • I don’t know why I care, but at least Kesha didn’t win best new artist. All I saw was the 10-second clip in which Chelsea tells Kesha she wants to party with her and Kesha couldn’t even pull that off believably.

  16. Don’t feel bad, Gabe. You’re still an innocent.

  17. When I first began reading this post, I thought Gabe was going to hit the reset button again.

    Alas, I guess the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards aren’t worth it.

  18. Being white, rich and pretty is so hard y’all.

  19. This is the only image I saw from last night, and the only one I need:

    • maybe if he was in jimmy’s wheelchair he would’ve had a better chance (at least in my baby degrassi heart)

      • jeez, that sounds like i’m making fun of disabled people, i’m not!!!!!!! i swear!!!!!!! i just miss jimmy-drake and watching hours of degrassi when i was 13 years old

    • For those of you who didn’t major in lip-reading like I did in college-

      Drake: “I quit. I quit.”

      • I was catching up on older posts and so meant to upvote your comment when suddenly everything went horribly wrong. Apologies! It would never be in my plans to downvote comments involving Jimmy from Degrassi.

  20. I’ll be real: I enjoyed the Taylor Swift song. I’d been feeling weird all day and was open to emotional responses and it just got me. I liked that her singing wasn’t perfect–she just sounded like a person. The song wasn’t super great either, but I think that all just made me like it more, it seemed like a songs someone in high school would write.

    It is nice to be moved every now and then from unexpected sources.

  21. Having read one of Chelsea Handler’s books, it was actually hysterical, but even in her writing style you can tell she’s not really a natural storyteller. The stories themselves are funny which makes them work regardless, but…yeah, Chelsea Lately is never as funny as I feel like it should be based on how much I liked her book.

  22. How does one get to be a russian oligarch? cause it looks like a pretty sweet deal that dude’s got going there.

  23. So I did not watch the VMAs last night, b/c it was Sunday night TV and my DVR can only record so much stuff. But I look forward to going back to last night’s thread and reading the funny stuff you guys wrote.

  24. What was the Pop Tart announcement???

  25. On the one hand, can you call an awards ceremony that celebrated Florence + The Machine and The Black Keys the worst?
    And on the other hand, ohmygodthatwassoawfulandalsotheworstpleasestopnowuniverse

    • They ALWAYS do that. They’ll give an award to a couple of decent bands, like they somehow have to maintain their credibility or people who actually listen to music will no longer see MTV as relevant (as if any of them have for the last 20 years).

    • “Tighten Up” is a great song and a great video that deserves to win awards. I’m just not sure you can call a VMA ‘winning’.

  26. My favorite part was that part where you could tell Chelsea Handler was reading from the teleprompter.

    • Which you can tell even on her own show…when she’s ostensibly reading jokes she wrote herself.

      If I had to guess, I’d say the reason she’s so awkward on TV is because her producers won’t let her get hammered beforehand, which I’m sure she does with her stand-up.

  27. I know you were really busy with this serious journalism, Gabe, but WHERE IS THE TRUE BLOOD RECAP? The finale was crazy! Giant puddles of concrete! Garbage disposals being used as biohazard dumps! Weird completely unexplained alien spaceship thing! Sam probably shooting a tree! Jason becoming an adoptive father for the cast of Deliverance! Creepy baby doll in Hoyt and Jessica’s new house! Hoyt and Jessica getting a house!!! And most importantly of all, TARA LEAVING FOREVER AND EVER!

  28. “I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s it seems weird and scary to me, and it’ll happen to you, too.” –Abe Simpson

  29. the vmas are a symbol of how ludicrous, superficial, and meaningless pop music is. after all, MTV doesn’t even play music videos. no one cares because its merely an opportunity to shill their products upon the millions of consumers out there.. no one shows up unless they’re 1. going to win 2. have a movie/album to promote. Eminem won 3 awards and wasn’t even there. The grammy’s are the same story. Culturally relevant music is not in the mainstream, it exists on the internet. Our generation is not being represented at all… and who cares. We don’t need MTV. I don’t need to see Animal Collective sitting next to the cast of Jersey Shore. You MTV fans out there can listen to Usher, pay to see some shitty movie Hollywood is promoting, and I’ll be over here glad that you idiots aren’t apart of my scene.

  30. I know its wrong to think Katie Perry is pretty, but I do any way. She reminds me of a girl I once knew.

    • What did you think about Chelsea Handler again? #trollsneedtoeattoo

      • I literally did not watch this show, just tuned in for half a second and saw Katie Perry announce that Eminem had left to catch a plane and could not accept his award so she gave it to some girl and made a joke about the award being really hard and stiff like a blood engorged purple veined cock that she could put in to her mouth, or maybe her “joke” wasn’t quite that explicit but it was along those lines. So I did not see any Chelsea Handler segments, thankfully. If Katie Perry is a poor man’s Zooey Deschanel (sp?) then Chelsea Handler is a poor transgendered-man’s Steve Winwood.

        • Chelsea Handler perpetually looks like she just came out of the jungle. Her face is always so greasy. It’s really gross. Also – not funny. Never ever funny.

          • I used to think Chelsea Handler was an old lady until I googled her and realized that she is basically the same age as me. “Advancing years spare us no fucking indignities.” – Al Swearengen

  31. I was going to make some joke about how ridiculous and sort of disrespectful to nominate the Black Keys for some “breakthrough” award when the band has made 8 albums, including two with a mainstream personality like Dangermouse, but I just don’t have the energy.

  32. Isn’t this a show for children? Then why did I feel so awkward looking at those pictures at work, what with the meat dress and naked man?

  33. I don’t think Gabe knows how face/off surgery works.

    • When the movie Face Off came out, John Travolta gave some lame interview to Entertainment Tonight or one of those shows in which he tried to validate action movies by saying that they are not unlike a ballet.

  34. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  35. Best New Artist: Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris – “Baby”

    Wait, what? I just stared at that for….longer than is appropriate trying to figure out what it means. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? The song won best new artist? Justin Bieber and Ludacris are a unit now, a new exciting unit? MTV really needs to work on the clarity of their phrasing. (This is definitely an important and interesting point that needs to be made, right?)

  36. When the Justin Bieber performance began, I just started laughing like a drunk Long Island father watching The Honeymooners in the 1950s. It was just fucking dadaist in its absurdity. Everything going on around him, from the dancers, crowd – all the pomp and circumstance, you just expected some sort of Michael Jackson-caliber person to hop on stage and start gettin’ down.

    Instead it’s this little moppet galivanting about like your kid brother who your dad talks about quietly to your mother in the other room.

    And then the drums! Ohhh the glorious drum solo! I was half-expecting him to close the performance with a magic trick, or simply just sprout wings and fly off into some glorious Bieber sunset.

    • I did the same thing…seeing all the hubbub and uproar, I expected somebody, oh I don’t know, over the age of 18. Justin Bieber caused me to changed the channel 90 seconds earlier than I previously would have, I suppose.

  37. Kanye performance?gonna say probably the best of the night(ballerinas and a fucking sampler)compared to the other performances,well except florence+the machine literally the only performance that had no auto-tune or lip-syncing,i love how they had fucking Robyn(one of the biggest pop stars in europe) do the intros into the fucking commercials

  38. I didn’t watch this because I was watching THE NATIONAL and THE WALKMEN you LOSERS.

  39. It’s interesting to me that Justin Bieber wore a letterman jacket considering he’s barely old enough to make a high school’s JV softball team.

  40. Do homeschool students get to wear letterman jackets?

  41. The big announcement is another place to avoid in Manhattan:

  42. You guys, why aren’t we talking about Nicki Minaj? We should definitely be talking about Nicki Minaj.

  43. testtesttest

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