Sad Keanu Reeves

You know what? He’s probably not even sad. This is probably some kind of long con. He gets us all to feel bad for him, and to invite him into our homes for a cup of hot soup and some friendly conversation, and the next thing you know, he has moved into the guest bedroom. At first we just tell our friends that it’s because he’s so sad, and that he just needs a place to recharge his batteries. But then our friends start pointing out that he sure doesn’t seem sad when they hear him laughing into his cell phone with the door closed, or sitting on our couch eating all our food and shouting at the television. But so then we explain that if anything, this is just a sign that we’ve done the right thing. Wasn’t the whole point of inviting Keanu inside to cheer him up? So it’s working! Good for us! Great for him! A few months go by, and now we are starting to think that maybe our friends had a point. Is he ever going to leave? And now when he makes his sad face it feels fake somehow. Is he faking his sad face? But you don’t want to tell someone that you think they’re faking their sad face. That’s a pretty intense thing to say to someone, and if they aren’t faking their sad face, then you’ll just make them sadder, and if you just make them sadder than maybe they really won’t ever leave. And then one day you wake up, and you’re lying in a bathtub of ice, and Sad Keanu is gone, along with all of your furniture, the contents of your bank account, and your kidney. CLASSIC LONG CON.

Click through to enlarge. (Photo via Dlisted.)

Comments (96)
  1. When you think about it, Keanu Reeves’ whole career has been a long con.

  2. So sad Keanu got to you, too, huh?

    I miss my kidney every day. I mean, I still have lefty, but lefty sucks.

  3. How can I upvote this post?

  4. Sad Keanu? More like SEXY Keanu!

  5. He doesn’t really look sad in this one, even. In fact, if this picture were isolated from all the other sad Keanu photos, I’d probably think he just got laid. He just looks bed-rumpled and drowsy.

  6. Sad Keanu is dead. Long live Sad Don Draper!

  7. Have you noticed that we never saw Sad Keanu before Patrick Swayze died? He really just can’t get over the fact that the Point Break sequel is never going to happen now. We should ALL be sad about that.

  8. I found out two things by looking at that picture:

    1) Keanu Reeves looks like Josh Groban in that picture.
    2) I apparently not only know who Josh Groban is, but what he looks like as well.

    Huh, you learn something new everyday.

  9. and here come the photoshops….

  10. He’s not sad. He just really wanted to loiter.

  11. Sad Keanu = Happy Headlight

  12. Time for sad Keenan instead!

  13. We need to bring in Sawyer to determine if this is really a long con or just a sad face. He would know. He’s got both.

  14. I think it’s Less Sad Keanu in a Long Con and more, “are You Fucking Serious. I walked into this alley with my coffee to avoid you papparazzi fucks. And I can’t. Are You Seriously Popping out of a Dumpster, dude?”

    Yes? No?

  15. I suspect he may be modeling Derelicte. Damn you, Mugatu!

  16. Is it me or is sad Keanu slowly morphing into a quasi older Julian Casablancas?

  17. loving the “Sad Keanu OR Human Emotions”
    stay golden, Bing

  18. Dogstar lyrics.

  19. Did somebody make a ‘YOU SAD’ jpg yet? If not somebody should maybe make a ‘YOU SAD’ jpg. If so, please disregard this comment. No loitering.

  20. THIS ONE WORKS!

  21. I think he just needs a vacation. On JUGGALO ISLAND!

  22. He sure knows how to have fun! (I did not make this)

    • That dog on the left is so enthusiastic about that contraption. Either that or he’s taunting those dogs that actually have a job to do.

    • I see your fun you didn’t make are raise you something i didnt make!

      • Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!

        We might as well pack up the internet because we are NEVER going to beat this. I may have cracked a rib I laughed so damn hard.

        Tayne you are the Prometheus of Videogum: you stole a joke from the internet gods (wherever you got this from) and gave it to the mortals.

      • OMFG. I had to log in just to upvote this. FTW, man! ROFL!

  23. Poor Sad Charlemagne. I mean Paul Mounet. I MEAN KEANU REEVES.

  24. He saved us all from the Matrix; show some goddamn respect.

  25. All Keanu Reeves wants is a homemade pie. SOMEBODY JUST GIVE HIM A DAMN PIE!

  26. Holy shit, I guess he really WASN”T fucking with us…

  27. god it’s just stupid how gorgeous he is. STUPID.

  28. I scanned this into tumblr about a month ago from my personal collection of teen magazines. This is proof that Sad Keanu has been around since at least 1991

    http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l6rghgLFcV1qbm4e0o1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=0RYTHV9YYQ4W5Q3HQMG2&Expires=1284064445&Signature=nMQw8S1THn%2BGyhjhs4d80bVZ%2BXA%3D

    That may not work, so here’s the other url. http://pollyannapositive.tumblr.com/post/915483171/sad-keanu-circa-1991-proof-that-keanu-isnt

  29. Eddie's Money  |   Posted on Sep 9th, 2010 0

    When I was in Prague this summer I had to cringingly endure a couple from Texas laugh hysterically at fact that our waiter used phrases from the movie Borat. And while Borat was clearly making fun of these people, the couple seemed to think they were the ones with the upper-hand, meaning every time Borat walked away they would crack up hysterically and say funny Borat things and get quiet only when Borat would come back with a Budveiser or Stroganoff or whatever. Point is, Joaquin Phoenix’s new movie, “I’m Not Really Me and Where the Fuck is Casey Affleck’s Fucking Double Burger?” is a poor man’s version of that couple.

    Now, Keanu Reeves is making sad faces around town in an attempt to fuck with us squares? Where is the connection? I got my eye on you, Gus Van Sant.

    And at the lowest end of all this awesome postmodernity, Weezer’s new album “Hurley” with the pic of Hurley from Lost on the cover. What are you trying to communicate RIVER(S) (head explodes)?

    I guess what I’m trying to say is fuck everyone involved in the fucking face for forcing Joaquin’s to make this movie. Also, fuck Steve Winwood.

  30. You NEVER invite Keanu inside. Bad things can happen, Like this:

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