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“I know that no one is perfect, and that the key to a long and successful relationship is a combination of compromise, realistic expectations, and patience, but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice everything you’re looking for in a partner. It’s still important to have some idea what you’re looking for. Personally, I’d like to find a middle-aged woman with leather face, coffee breath, and the sickly yellowing nails and raspy death rattle voice of a lifetime indulging in an aggressive nicotine addiction who does her grocery shopping at gas stations and whose dad taught her right. She has long hair with which to cover her face, in the event that she is confronted by an armed gunman. And she knows how to back it up.” –You.
I know I was a little hard on this woman’s perceived socio-economic condition and face situation, but the truth is, the REAL crime is that she isn’t called upon to bear witness to EVERYTHING. Very good witness! She’s like the white Antoine Dodson! Poor people are so colorful! (Via Dlisted.)
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“Annnd scene.”
“Would you to try that a little… simpler?”
“………No.”
I think she might be counting to 2000 wrong. Unless she started at 1990.
It’s theoretically possible this took two hours – it’s pretty much Dog Day Afternoon.
That’s not my girlfriend, that’s my mom. And I can’t wait to be just like her when I grow up.
Your grandpa must be very proud of her.
He *did* teach her right (in how to back it up).
Just to clarify, “they shot the RUBBER”? Or was it ROBBER? Or was the robber made of rubber? I’m confused……
They shot the robber with rubber bullets, methinks. Also, her skin is rubber, and I’m pretty sure the gun was too.
…In addition to the room she eventually could occupy.
Mi amigos, mi amigos! And they were laughing?!?! It IS funny to shoot rubbers.
Especially if those rubbers were Daggerin.
“Ooooowoooo! Why did I need coffee now?”
Ma’am, this might be telling you something.
The tags on this post include “Coffee” and “Crimes” so I assumed the article would be about the prices at Starbucks #rejectedjaylenolines
Wrong, because I actually laughed out loud at your post instead of taking a narcoleptic header into my coffee table.
Okay, but did anyone check her knee to make sure this story checks out?
Her little knee. Not the big one.
I am in 100% agreement with you, Gabe. The real crime IS that she isn’t called upon to bear witness to EVERYTHING. “Eccentric Witness Describes…” could be a whole series.
Also, I would like to say I am looking forward to any of the fine-crafted auto-tune remixes I’m hoping this harrowing tale will inspire in the online community.
I want a League of Extraordinary Viral Video Stars of 2010, with Backin’ Up lady, Double Rainbow guy, Antoine Dobson, Trololo Dude, Basil Marceaux and the Ginger Kid fighting Glenn Beck to keep him from tearing down posters of Justin Bieber. That’s what I want.
Can Chris Klein and Jeremy London come too?
OMG, they could battle jealous viral video stars of yesteryear! Evil David after the dentist
Werttrew, so you know about Mr. Backin’ Up, aka Mr. Struttin’ that Ass. It was never posted on here (not that I didn’t send Gabe the link) but it is definitely an accidental viral star gem.
check it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B55uUwMGorY
Were her amigos the robbers or the other people in the store?
I’ll take my answer off the air.
Goodness prevails!
Where is this from? I mean obviously it’s Lost, but is this from a podcast or something?
It’s from this commerical for Connect Four Million:
http://tv.popcrunch.com/lost-connect-four-million-game-jimmy-kimmel-live-video/
And that’s why I fell in love with her!
Is she related to Steve Brule?
Sylvia Browne?
with all the lights out and that sexy husky voice, she’d be your girlfriend too.
… But was she backing up?
But in the 70′s she was YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Now she’s just YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
Is this a viral for Kickass 2?
She and I live in the same city. I don’t know whether to be ashamed or proud.
I’m into her because of her music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIoG4PlEPtY
I actually think this is incredible by the way.
I’m glad someone posted this. Personally, I think is catchier than the Dodson remix