Slashfilm reports that a company called Hot Toys is now selling a Colonel Hans Landa figurine. Hans Landa, of course, is the sociopathic Nazi from Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds played by Academy Award winner, Christoph Waltz. Neat! “I gave this toy to my child, because videogames are too violent, and I wanted her to explore the wonders of the imagination!” Of course, I know that this toy is not actually intended for children. It’s a collectible figurine for enthusiastic adults. WHOOPS. That’s your adult. Honestly, I would have less of a problem with this if it WAS for children. At the very least, children are SUPPOSED to have toys. I’m just saying, if you are ever on a date, or over at your buddy’s house for Pictionary Night, or visiting your dad, and you see a Colonel Hanz Landa toy displayed prominently (or even worse: KIND OF HIDDEN) and the person you’re with says “I bought that,” or, “I like that,” or “I have no intention of putting that in the garbage and turning myself in to jail,” then you get out of that house. Safety first!

Comments (68)
  1. “If you thought this toy looked kinda cool, I am better than you.” – Gabe

    • Addendum:

      “I thought this toy looked kind of cool.” – Godsauce

    • ALL THE toy made ME THINK of was HOW WALTZ killed that FUCKIN role, and HOW WEIRDLY likeable AND HATEABLE he was.

    • Aww.

      How about “If you thought this toy looked kinda cool, part of my job is coming up with 12 opinions on things every day, even if my actual opinion is that the things are all equally middle-of-the-road, but who wants to read a blog about how middle-of-the-road everything is?” — Gabe

      Just kidding. You, Godsauce, have terrible taste in stuff was my point!

      • =GABE looking at HIS cookie JAR collection as HE HATEBLOGS about cookie jars, murmuring “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

        • An American Patriot, because of your random capitalization my brain reads your posts in the voice of that Will Ferrell character on SNL who couldn’t modulate the volume of his voice.

      • I like your blog.

      • I had collectables into my early 20′s. Horror figurines, vintage Saul Bass one-sheets, original pressings of Fugazi records, etc. If I saw an old hardcover of a book I loved and already owned, I had to have it. Because it LOOKED COOL.

      • I collected things into my early 20′s. Horror figurines, vintage Saul Bass one-sheets, original pressings of Fugazi records, etc. If I saw an old hardcover of a book I loved and already owned, I had to have it. Because it LOOKED COOL. It was important to me to physically surround myself with things I was passionate about. It felt comfortable and exciting to look around my apartment and see chainsaw-handed Ash from Evil Dead next to a beat-up copy of Ubik.

        And guess what? I was a fully functioning young adult! Weird, huh? I had lots of friends (most of whom could give a shit about The Samurai Trilogy triple-feature at State Theater) and, *gasp*, I got laid! And not out of pity or desperation. People actually found me attractive and normal!

        I only mention this because it’s obvious that you really look down on anyone who would so much as consider buying this. You write about “nerds” with a sense of superiority and disdain, peppered with a vibe of “we should all be so lucky…” And that’s totally fine, because it’s usually funny. Keep making fun of nerds! Nerds are weird! But you should know that the stereotype you seem to hold regarding them is off-base and kinda flat-out wrong.

        • This is wonderful. You said in earnest what I was trying to say in snark. It reminded me of the poker game conversation on Louie.

        • OK, but mentally replace all of the toys in the Toy Story movies with Christoph Waltz action figures and I think that is the actual point?

          That said: I collect miniature calabash pipes, so.

        • @that One: one–of–us…

          not only do we have friends, but we would try to out-do each other. i once bonded with a friend who had moved to new orleans by competitively collecting jesus/last-supper kitsch.

    • I’d just like to say, this whole thread is very enjoyable, upvotes all around!

  2. Neat: the Smithson Utivich figure is actual size.

  3. There’s something wrong with me when I have to keep myself from finding a toy based on a fictional Nazi attractive.

  4. NOT GONNA lie, that Bing THING PISSES me off. Not for ANY REASON other than it MAKES THE formating of ENTRIES JUST seem janky as FUCK. Weird DESIGN thing GOING ON with it.

  5. I know a guy† who has too many figurines with their too many stands and too many accouterments. He keeps em on his dressers and desk in his Basement Bedroom in his Parent’s Home.
    Not Kidding.
    He also has an arcade machine and like, every videogame and many more dvd movies.
    He’s got no job. Used to work at the video store.
    I am buying this for him.‡

    †Not Me
    ‡I swear, Not Me

  6. I am going to make my own French movie theater play set, put all my dolls in it and set it on fire.

  7. No Bear Jew figure? Wack.

  8. Well. I’ve never seen Inglorious Bastards and lately, a guy I was hanging around with talked at length about the artistry and fashion-sense, I spose, of Nazi uniforms. This is maybe a delayed reacticion to that, ahem, discussion.

    As usual, I’m missing the point of the post, but nonetheless, I feel compelled to say: fuck off with the Nazi shit!

    • HUGO Boss. NAZI’S sucked, BUT YOU can’t fuckin SAY HUGO Boss wasn’t A PRETTY good clothing DESIGNER. And the ARTISTRY AND fashion-sense WAS OF course GOOD. That’s all PART OF THE propaganda. Hitler WASN’T going to CONVINCE Germans his ideas were THE ULTIMATE apex of MAN if Ed Hardy was THE OFFICIAL designer, was he?

  9. OMFG! But where will I put him?

  10. Little Man: Now with more little!

  11. The doll is reasonably priced, but they really get you on all the accessories.

  12. I have a Spider-Man Mr Potato Head. I am 23 years old.

    That is all…..

  13. So now is not the time to invite everyone over to my place for toy free-for-all, huh?

    Now what am I going to do with all the extra milk and cookies?

  14. Also, He’s smoking. So if you combo that up with the Jew Hunting, I’d say this doll wasn’t made for kids.

  15. I will display this in a glass case next to my MINT OOP “Christoph Waltz as The Trololololo Guy” pog slammer.

  16. The nerds with little sisters are gonna be really pissed when they find their sisters making Lando Calrissian and Colonel Hans Landa falling in love and getting married. “Lando Landa!” the little sisters will chant; “your doll’s name is Lando Landa!”

    “It’s not a doll, it’s an action figure! Besides, they didn’t get married, they’re not even gay!” the nerds will reply, nearly weeping with frustration and rage. And so the circle of life goes on.

  17. If they don’t make a Hans Landa figure then there won’t be a villain for the Aldo the Apache figure to fight! DUH!

  18. This is only somewhat related, but this weekend I was hanging out with a German family and my cuz starts talking about Indiana Jones and asks one of the girls if she’d seen any of them. She hadn’t, and I pointed out to my cousin how I didn’t think the stereotypical portrayal of Germans would go over very well there. She (the German) then said that she and many of her other German friends had seen Inglourious Basterds and all enjoyed it, go figure. Whew, that’s enough outta me.

    • I remember about ten years ago reading an article in a game magazine about how Germans like playing WWII videogames as the allies because they like killing Nazis as much, if not more than your average non-German.

  19. Rare miss, Toy Story 3.

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