Photos
First of all, a big congratulations to True Blood stars Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer, who got for real life married this weekend in Malibu or somewhere. It is not uncommon for actors and actresses to develop actual human emotions for each other during the long and arduous days of playing XBOX and getting rimjobs in their trailers shooting a television show, but for some reason this off-screen romance has always been really funny to me. For some reason. Could be any reason at all. Oh right, I know why: BECAUSE THEY ARE ON A SHOW ABOUT VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES, AND ONE OF THEM PLAYS A VAMPIRE ON THE SHOW. I’m sure their secret flirtations were really intense. “In that scene, when you bit me on the neck with your fake fangs and then the director said to cut because your eyes didn’t look dead enough, and then I said the line ‘I believe the vampires deserve equal rights under the law as humans get’ was so hot, let’s get married.’” Grad students may be the worst, but I think we can all agree that actors are the second worst.
So, Bill knows what Sookie is. And now we know what she is: A FUCKING FAIRY. Hey, Jason Stackhouse, over here! You got any of them wooden bullets left? PLEASE SHOOT ME IN THE FACE WITH ONE OF THEM. I’m not a mythical creature, but I am sure it will get the job done.
When Bill tells Sookie she is a fairy, she says “well that’s lame,” because this show prides itself on being knowing and winking and self-aware. The creators want you to know that they know that the show is terrible, as if somehow that turns the show back into being a good show. It’s like when my mom theatrically announces that there are no calories in a bite of dessert if that bite of dessert is eaten off your plate. Of course, we all know that there absolutely are calories in a bite of dessert, no matter whose plate that bite is sitting on. And we also know that this show is terrible no matter who makes a sly acknowledgement of that fact. It doesn’t change anything at all. Sookie is right, the fact that she is a fairy is fucking lame. If the makers of this show are so self-conscious, WHY DON’T THEY MAKE THEIR SHOW BETTER or even better still NOT MAKE THE SHOW AT ALL?
There’s some nonsense about how vampires ate all the fairies because of their delicious light blood or something? I don’t know. I’m an adult, sitting on a couch that he paid for with his own money, from working at a human job, and I just found out a character on the TV is a fairy (who is fucking a vampire) and now I’m supposed to get invested in the make believe history of this mythological nightmare that they are literally pulling out of their ass right in front of my eyes? No. Sorry. There are lines in this world, and True Blood has just crossed (another) one.
Eric has a meeting with a vampire lawyer to complete his last vampire will and testament. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA. What? WHAT? Vampires have wills? THIS SHOW!!!!!!! Pam is upset. ARGH. This show is so frustrating! I know that I said this last week, and I’m sure I will say it again next week, but either vampires have emotions or they do not have emotions. IT IS LITERALLY ONE OR THE OTHER. “They’re cold blooded murderers without sympathy, but also they cry blood tears, and are constantly upset with each other like a bunch of junior high school bitches.”
Sam keeps having flashbacks to when he was Sawyer on Lost. You see, before he was a weak-willed bar managing shape-shifter, he was a slick-haired, short con running shape-shifter. No he wasn’t. This plotline is one of the least believable plot lines on the whole show, and if I may take a moment to remind you: THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT WEREWOLVES AND VAMPIRES AND SHAPE-SHIFTERS, AND FAIRIES NOW ALSO. I just don’t buy that he was once a jewel thieving murderer engaged in double-reversal back-stabbing who then became a kind of wimpy hamburger salesman. It doesn’t add up! (I’m detective Gabe Bellefleur!)
And let’s just skip over Lafayette’s Vampire Blood Vision Quest? I’m pretty sure you’ve already read about it in Jonathan Saffron Four’s book, Extremely Long, and Incredibly Boring.
Now everyone is scared of the Vampire King of Mississippi, who is being referred to as “the Vampire Terrorist” or something. Next thing you know, there’s going to be an episode about the Ground Zero Vampire Bar. This show is nothing if not willing to use its mythological sex objects as overbearing cyphers for the politically marginalized. He has sex with some gay hooker and stabs him with a wooden stake because of his boyfriend. I guess it would be hard if your boyfriend of 7,000 years got murdered. But then again, VAMPIRES AREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE EMOTIONS. So it’s tough to know.
Sookie goes to see Eric. He says she can’t trust Bill. He also says that he learned how to act really moody and melodramatic from a teenager in a Cure cover band. She asks why she can’t trust Bill, and he’s like “because make out with me.” Whatever. Pam tells Eric to put Sookie in the Saw basement. So Eric puts Sookie in the Saw basement. Whoops.
Tara remains the worst.
Next week: second to last episode of the season! INCREDIBLE NEWS!
 |
 |
You Might Also Like
 True Blood S04E12: Season Finale |  True Blood S04E11: The First Rule Of Witch Club Is Don’t… |  True Blood S04E10: Bombs Over Shreveport |  True Blood S08E09: Werewolf Gang Kill Them All |
Leave a Reply
Sign inSign in with FacebookYou must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.
I haven’t watched in a while. What’s up with Eggs right now? Zing.
he had his yolk scrambled by Jason/Andy
somebody post a jpeg of the egg lady from Pink Flamingos
SW & DS3M working together, made possible by me. You’re welcome, Earth.
Edith Massey is pretty. ( I’m not doing this right am I?)
the vampire king reminds me of bob odenkirk… and this show is just one really long mr. show sketch
apparently bob odenkirk is mark cubans assistant, according to entourage of course
watching this show is like a mouthful of sores
“Take it from me, a guy who has sores”
The werepanthers, Gabe! You forgot to mock the werepanthers!
I REMEMBER THIS MOVIE!!!
My stepmom used to love the shit out of this flick, and when it was my dad’s weekend (a few times), she would be watching it, and always make me leave the room and turn my back at the naked parts, and the part where she was eating whatever came out of her lady parts (Big Cats Do That?) I only ever saw that scene backwards through a buffet’s mirror from the dining room (safe zone for naughty movietimes), so I could be wrong, but, yeah. Gross.
I can see why you’re so developmentally challenged
I can see your rapier wit is ready to rape-rape all of us today, and earlier than usual too!
…well that didn’t last long (per my comment above).
Can I also take this opportunity to informally nominate Cat People for “The Hunt,” shall it ever return?
He did get to Jonathan Safran Foer, who is pretty much the worst.
This is totally unrelated to Boo Blood, but do you, Gabe, know how to make all the links automatically open in a new tab, this is one of the only websites that doesn’t do that, can you fix it please? I’ll get you a bunch of followers.
Ugh, I actually hate websites that do that! It’s like the person is saying “I am terrified that if you click a link and leave my site you will never come back, so let me annoy you by taking the choice to open things in a new tab away from you.” Also, EK, are you using Firefox or Chrome? Both have extensions that let you click, drag, and release a link to automatically open a new tab without having to right-click-select.
Also, if you have a scrolly wheel on your mouse, and you click on the link with the scrolly wheel instead of the left mouse button, that will cause it to open in a new tab!
I just don’t think I understand how pointing out the fact that a television show’s characters are fictional somehow undermines the quality of the show. Even if the characters are based on mythical (and occasionally silly) creatures. I know this is the whole schtick here- angry man hates things- but I just don’t get how shouting “MADE UP” at a television show is supposed to be any sort of critique.
Gabe actually used to write a legitimate critique of the show a while back, but I think he has gotten so exhausted with its ridiculousness that he just shouts “MADE UP,” now. In all honesty I am surprised he just doesn’t write “True Blood was True Blood again last night,” every Monday.
I agree that Gabe’s reviews have become rather curt and redundant. However, I just don’t see how you can try to justify this show (as good OR bad) every week. I mean, he laid out his opinion and I doubt the show will even do anything to change them. This is essentially the same feeling I have about the show so I think the reason he continues with the recaps is the same reason I continue to watch this garbage: for something to riff on.
An really, doesn’t that fit neatly into the Videogum model? Some thoughtful and well-written posts interspersed with softball lob posts that Gabe and the commenters alike can take easy swings at.
At least you “think” you know why you continue to watch the show. I have no idea why I watch, and continue to look forward to watching, the show every week. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I am INSANE.
Seriously, Gabe, kinda tired of hearing about what is and isn’t real, and what is supposed to happen with Vampire Emotions. Especially since I have never seen any character say Vampires don’t have feelings. It’s been pretty fucking obvious from Day One of this shit show that they all have motivations, feelings, emotions, and all of the shit that made them “Human” before being turned. And they can feel pain too, as we have seen several times. I guess what I’m saying is Relax, technogabe, this show is what this show is, and to keep repeating this issue about Vampire Feelings like it proves some point about mythological creatures is about as interesting and funny as another fucking joke about lorries.
@DS3M, YOU MAD! You love this show. You want to marry this show and rub it all over your face like its Cat People and you’re a naughty little boy
@Miss Rabbit: because it is funny and we like reading that
Holy shit — was that a compliment? Are you feeling all right, Steve?
But yes, these recaps are hilarious.
I think maybe it’s because the show takes itself so damn seriously (and not seriously at all at the same time, like that works) that it comes as solace to its disgruntled hate-watchers that this is all made-up and not real? I know that I feel that way.
Because True Blood doesn’t serve any better
“Blah, blah, vampire emergency, blah.”
That bit and the “I’m a Fairy? How fucking lame!” seemed to me like they were pulled from Gabe’s review-screencaps.
“Fairies and other nature spirits are REAL, Gabe. How many times do we have to go over this?”
Since we have to wait for the Mad Men recap, can we get the inevitable Peggy motorcycle GIF now?
that and her peeking over the wall gif. rad gifs.
She is so damned cute
Gross, Steve. That’s your Grandma.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Now you’re just trying to get the lowest rated comment. I will award you one upvote out of spite.
We’ve got to stop the Vampires building a bar at Ground Zero.
I didn’t even realise there were any Romanian Muslims… wait, they’re American Vampires? WHAT?
Romanian Muslims, Roman Catholics, Roman Polanski – If they’re Vampires – They ain’t welcome,
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Mr Polanski I’m ready for my close up.
Why couldn’t have Tara’s head to exploded Scanners style when Jason told her he killed Eggs.
Love that cronenberg action, scanners slammers
whoopsie, that was supposed to be a reply to werttrew. fairies: they exist, they live in florida, and they are awesome at sewing.
His wedding pictures are the best (yes he is married to a real live women)
check rest of them out : http://pixyland.org/peterpan/OurWedding4.html (SPOILER: there is a tranny fairy in one of the pictures.)
Fake and most definitely gay.
“FAKE and GAY.” -This review
That was pretty much all I was thinking when King Ridiculous killed the gay hooker.
Alright, well whatever, I just want to see some gay vampire sex gifs. Is that too much to ask, internet?
I haven’t actually watched the episode yet (student apartment cable=no HBO and very risky file-sharing) so I’m not sure who you’re referring to as “King Ridiculous”.
Because it could be anyone on this show, you see.
I thought of this when they called the fairies “fae” on the show, because it just sounds like a purposeful amalgamation. “Fae” = “fake and gay.”
why do some people have acid trips from vampire blood and others don’t?
that sounds like a good set up to a rad joke in a bazooka joe gum wrapper joke skit strip but I got nothing
Bazooka gum comics never have rad jokes.
Because… Oh, Look, A New Character! And Someone’s Tits!
– this show
Wait, there are tits on this show?
It looks like the overstock of corn syrup and red food dye finally ran out because there was definitely not enough blood in this episode.
When Jason Stackhouse brought Tara that breakfast-in-bed-recovery-from-trauma tray, it made me think maybe this show needs like, 500 more breakfast-in-bed-recovery-from-trauma trays, per character, per episode. Not to mention one for each viewer.
It made me think “Tara needs to go away… forever” Only thing enjoyable about that scene was when Jason told her he killed her boyfriend. Tara went from unbearable to useless and back to unbearably annoying.
“This corn is a better actor than you, Anna Paquin.”
Fart are about as meanginful as fart when you fart them to fart little fart who haven’t fart themselves fart in the fart world of fart.True Fart (Fart True?) is fart of this. Fart is terrible, and so is her fart, Fart. I’m sorry Fart got fart, but Fart is the worst (decode… Rubicon that shit.) …and J-Lo.
Well, we fairies hate you too. We won’t let you steal our light.
Goodbye.
[img]http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l77ijqRpQJ1qcs3sko1_250.gif[/img]