As someone is bound to tell you at any decent funeral, life is for the living. And so, this morning, I am on an airplane. And this afternoon I will be in a car. And this evening I will be in a house by a grand and beautiful lake, spending some time with my birth family. Tomorrow and Thursday we will be back to normal, sort of, although one might be sympathetic to the fact that when I am at a beach house, I am far more interested in the actual for real flesh and blood (ew) beach than I am in the Internet’s infinite JPEGS and other FAKE and GAY simulacrum of beaches. ANYHOW: for today, you be the blog. There’s certainly plenty to talk about. For example, the trailer for the new Darren Aronofsky movie, Black Swan, starring Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. Finally, The Wrestler 4 ladiez! Or: did you know that the Cartoon Network is debuting a Mad Magazine cartoon show this fall? Does “Spy Vs. Spy” really have a place in the post-9/11 cultural landscape? DISCUSS! Meanwhile, this is barf and this is cute. The point is, there is plenty to be shared and turned upside down. Lord knows, no matter how hard you guys work while I am away, we will still be no closer to understanding what it all MEANS. But I urge you to try! Please post interesting links, jokes, thoughts, critiques, and cetra in the comments. We have nothing if we do not have each other. And let it be known far and wide that when I return tomorrow morning, I expect to see two billion comments on this thread. TWO BILLION. Make it so.

Comments (488)
  1. Oooh! Ooh! I am on a joke e-mail list that I never actually read but don’t dare unsubscribe from! I have particularly unfunny jokes to share! Here’s today’s:

    Why did the blonde nurse carry a red magic marker at work? In case she had to draw blood!

    Haw, haw! Get it?!

    • One my dad sent me today, even though he’s literally down the hall from me as I type this:

      A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’

      So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
      party run to the pool to see what has happened.

      In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

      The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, ‘I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?’ the millionaire asks.

      The guy grabs the microphone and says, ‘Why don’t we start with the name of the jerk that pushed me in!’

      Even worse is that I typed “corny jokes” into google to find one to send back and found that one he sent me almost immediately.

      • This guy walks into an empty bar, just him and the bartender, and orders a drink.

        The bartender gets him for him, and walks back to wash glasses.

        A few minutes later the guy hears a voice, “I really like your haircut”. The guy looks around, but doesn’t see anyone.

        A few minutes after that he hears “That’s a great tie you’re wearing. You’ll go places looking like that”.

        He spins around 360 degree, and it is just him and the bartender in the place.

        So, he yells at the bartender “Did you say anything to me?”, the bartender says “No. Why?”

        The guy says “Well, first I heard somebody say they liked my hair, and then they said they liked my tie” and then the bartender says “Oh, that’s the peanuts in the bowl next to you”.

        The guy says,”The peanuts in the bowl said it?” and the bartender says “Yeah, they’re complimentary”

      • It’s nearly impossible to keep Great White Sharks alive in captivity, only the Monterey Bay Aquarium has ever done it. Therefore, this joke is wrong!

      • I’m glad that the joke clarifies at the outset that the millionaire is in fact rich.

    • A New York stock broker by the name of Jerry gets tired of the hustle and bustle of the city and decides to move to the Australian outback where he can be alone in peace and quiet. A year goes by and Jerry begins to get a bit lonely, longing for some kind of human interaction. Fortunately, it is not long before he sees a car approaching his house. The car pulls up to the front, and a man gets out, walks up to the front door and rings the bell. Jerry opens the door and the man says in a thick Australian accent:

      “G’day. I’m Nick. I’m your neighbor, just 20 miles that way.” Nick points due west.
      “Oh, hi Nick. I’m Jerry. I moved from New York about a year ago.”
      “Well, good to meet you, mate. Listen, I’m having a bit of a party tonight, thought you might like to come.”
      “Love to,” Jerry says.
      “Bonzer!” Nick replies. He starts to leave, but stops and turns around. “Oh, I should tell you, they’ll probably be a good bit of drinking.
      No stranger to booze, Jerry says, “Oh, that’ll be fine.”
      Nick pauses again. “And maybe a fight or two.”
      “Well, like I said, I’m from New York, so I think I’ll be able to handle myself.”
      “Fantastic,” Nick exclaims. “Oh, and one last thing. I can almost guarantee that they’ll be some pretty wild sex going on.”
      Having not slept with a woman since New York, Jerry is elated. He laughs, “I think I can handle that.”
      “Great! See you tonight then.”
      As Nick is getting back in his car, Jerry calls out, “How many people do you think will be there?”
      “Don’t worry about it, Jerry. Just the two of us!”

    • So this guy walks into the doctor’s office, he says “I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee,” and the Doctor says “relax you’re two/too tents/tense.”

      that joke doesn’t really work written out because its all about the sound of those words.

      That was my dad’s favorite joke to tell us when we were kids, and we didn’t even know what wigwams were.

    • This women walks into a grocery and picks up cucumbers, bananas, and carrots.

      She walks up to the check out counter and the cashier says to her “you’re single aren’t you?”

      The women responds ” how did you guess?”

      The Cashier responds “because you are ugly”.

    • Q: What did the snail say as it was riding on the back of a turtle?
      A: Wheeeeee!

    • My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday.
      “Bad Minton!”

    • “BEEEEAAAAAANS!” –Vegetarian Zombie

    • A whale walks into a bar and the bartender hands him some fish. The bartender asks, “how do you like your fish, whale?” The whale says, “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO” The lady at the next table says, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
      hee hee hee

      • This joke is way funner to tell because you get to make a whale sound…

      • It’s also probably funny when you can read the whole joke. Woops

      • A limo pulls up to a bar and a whale dressed up in a tux walks out of it. He walks up to the bar and the bartender says “I’m sorry but we don’t serve whale here. There was a sign on the door on your way in, there is even one in the bathroom if you made it that far. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.” The whale looks at the bartender confused and watery eyed. Finally the bartender says “you know what, I can see this is a special night for you. You came in a limo, you’re all dressed to the nines. Tonight, I’ll make an exception. What’ll you have?” And the whale says “OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEE….”

        Whales can’t talk silly…

    • I read about this guy who had the entire left side of his body basically torn off in an accident. He’s all right now.

    • Did you hear about the antenna wedding?
      The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great!

    • (This works better spoken than typed, but fuck it.)

      Q: What do you call the protuberance in the middle of a Dr. Seuss character’s face?

      A: Who knows?!?

    • The Dalai Lama walks up to a hotdog vendor and says, “make me one with everything.”

  2. Maybe it’s all the lack of needed drugs in my system but none of this article made any sense to me.

  3. But I am just one commenter, how can I make a difference?

  4. I can post links, but interesting links? You ask too much!

  5. This couldn’t have came at a better time as I’m planning on watching Marcel The Shell Will Shoes on a loop for a good 3 or 4 days.

    Have a nice make-up weekend with Gwyneth.

    • *With Shoes.

      Ugh, I just now I’ve made a typo I feel I have to address the fact that Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis kiss in the Black Swan trailer, and although the film looks brilliant the kiss is all I can think about. I AM BASICALLY STEVE WINWOOD.

      • I haven’t seen it yet, does Natalie Portman use her giant mutant mouth to swallow Mila Kunis whole?

        • Leave my fiance out of this!

          No she gets Vincent Cassel to wear headphones and listen to Sunset Rubdown and goes; ‘do you think Black Swan is as good as Stadiums and Shrines II?! Either way, this band will change your life.’ Vincent Cassel then gets excited about ballet and maybe/hopefully steals a diamond?

  6. What? First Comic-Con, now a beach house? I’m beginning to think Gabe doesn’t love us anymore.
    “Hey guys, I’m going out for a pack of cigarettes. Be good to your blog” – Gabe

  7. Its pouring outside and my life is in ruins, now how am I supposed to keep my mind idle all day? Can I get a pity Birdie video at least?

    • I could Birdie-sit! I once owned a tarantula that mangled itself to death between rocks while shedding its skin, fish that succumbed to flesh-eating bacteria, finches that committed ritual suicide, and a chameleon that died of heat shock so I think I’m more than qualified to have a go at a dog.

  8. “Barf,” is indeed a fair assessment of Rolling Stone’s True Blood cover, Gabe.

    Question is, is it more barf or less barf than this one?

    Oh, barf. You are truly underrated as an adjective.

  9. PRO TIP: Gabe, if you are truly going to a Lake House, just head to the mailbox and send some blog posts to today. Problem solved.

  10. This is my new favorite thing in the internets:

    What American English sounds like to non-English speakers

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZXcRqFmFa8

  11. I’m genuinely excited to see that new Aronofsky. Natalie Portman is sufficiently pretty, the premise seems appropriately creepy, and adverbs can become really annoying.

  12. This Little Kid is My shit, anyone that likes drum and bass (or lorry cars with the kids in the drivers seat)
    Peep This
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRUS5VfkJls&feature=player_embedded

  13. Okay, Gabe … how’d you ever miss this one?

    http://therecshow.com/star-trek-fans-are-fucking-retards/

    I’ve seriously always hated Star Trek and their fans, but this just really takes the cake.

  14. If you’re prone to liking ambient music or just willing to get your mind blown bu J-Biebz:

    http://gawker.com/5614579/how-to-make-justin-bieber-sound-incredible-slow-him-down-800-percent?skyline=true&s=i

  15. I voted Fang-tastic!

  16. Some funny* Gathering of the Juggalos photos:

    http://www.thedailyswarm.com/swarm/exclusive-scenes-gathering/

    *sad

  17. Makes me want to watch this show less? Also, I want to shower in bleach?

  18. A million comments isn’t cool. You know what is cool? A BILLION comments.

  19. Holy shit, you guys, Claire’s bone baby is going up for auction. Who’s in???

    http://www.profilesinhistory.com/items/season-6/claires-squirrel-baby.html

  20. Apropos of Nothing

  21. Guys, don’t forget about the new chat, too. http://tinychat.com/videogum
    Videochat is optional.

    I recently went on vid-cam, and I’m not afraid to let you guys see what I really look like!

  22. Scott Stapp’s theme song for the Florida Marlins is REAL and it is HILARIOUS.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdEqQpm9Gus

  23. This MMA Fighter seems to have a leg up on the juggalos. He at least has a basic understanding of how Quantum Physics Works.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCNTzSLyazI&feature=player_embedded

  24. Oh man, I’m pretty excited I get to drop this link. I still laugh when I listen to this.

    http://www.myspace.com/peytonjenkins

    This is the myspace of a musician named peyton jenkins, a kid out of orlando. go to the second song, “The Hardest Conversation”. It is still one of my favorite things on the internet.

  25. That cute video is child abuse… speaking of abuse. Check out these pictures from gathering of the Juggalos.
    http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/50059165.html

  26. http://feedingobjects.com/
    This is a weird site where people feed food to inanimate objects.

  27. I read The Black Swan and this is not how I remember it.
    Where is the discussion of the economics of the financial collapse and the role of fat-tailed distributions in social processes? Hollywood’s always screwing everything up.

  28. I’m sure most of you have seen this by now. But it’s certainly worth seeing if you haven’t:

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/bfeld/justin-bieber-slowed-down-800

    From Another Green World 2.0

  29. In case you guys are wondering why Gabe is always so cranky, it’s because he recently had a very bad trip to New Jersey.

    http://jalopnik.com/5596909/gabe-is-having-a-really-bad-day

  30. These penguins found something in this world that makes them happy and it’s chasing a butterfly.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMeee9bgP8o&feature=player_embedded

  31. New video from North Korea’s first official, state-sponsored YouTube channel:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nf27UiJvByQ&feature=player_embedded#!

    you guys, we should buy more North Korea.

  32. I’m enjoying this list of interesting links to intelligent and, in one case, pantsless* writers:
    http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/731411103/videogum-tumblrs-and-blogs

    * mine. It is my case.

  33. I made this Monday then I forgot to post it.

  34. Hey it’s my birthday. My only birthday wish is to be in Monster’s Ball. CUHMON!

  35. TWO BILLION COMMENTS. Mission: Accomplished.

  36. This Videogum thread is just like the graphic novel Arkham Asylum.

  37. This guy is semi-famous in my friend’s town. His wife makes all his clothing. Me friend’s cousin(?) wanted to have him play at her wedding as a joke, but he declined because he did not get a month’s notice.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEkYUxAncXg

  38. guys, in all earnestness, this is my favorite thing on the internet. i actually teared up the first time i saw it.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_YrJABjYBE

  39. These always make me laugh.

  40. This is funny and very cute: http://www.wimp.com/fatherprank/

    Warning: if you think eating flan is sorta gross (like I do!), you will be a little grossed out (cos a person eats flan. I’m starting to think most people who aren’t mean don’t find this a concern.).

    • Flan is delightful.

    • I think flan is sort of gross, but only because it reminds me of crème brûlée, from which I got such severe food poisoning I was hospitalized. It’s so delicious, but I still cringe whenever I see someone crack the top. That scene in Amelie is harder to watch for me than any horror movie.

  41. Anyone watching Project Runway this season?

  42. This blog is in dire need of more writers.

  43. Whenever I’m bored, I head to My Life Is Twilight

    Sadly it looks like no tweens have had lives like Twilight since May.

    • “Today my boyfriend touched my face, and for the fisrt time i didn’t flinch at how cold his hands were. He looked at me and said…………”your pretending i’m Edward aren’t you?” I blushed as we both knew it was true. I can offically say MLIT!!!! ”

      What a curious site.

  44. You guys, we’re not even CLOSE to 2 billion. LET’S GET TO WORK! I want this to be Gabe when he comes back:

  45. i was surprised and a little refreshed when i saw that mila kunis is finally allowed to be in a, well, real movie. and i’m pretty “meh” about natalie portman, but i mean, yeah, i’ll probably see this.

    ballet’s fuckin’ scary.

    plus, basically, darren aronofsky scares the shit out of me. the end.

  46. we could play “build a title”

    Field of Dreams

  47. Requiem for Angels in the Outfield of Dreams

  48. Gods & Monsters Vs. Aliens Vs. Predators: Requiem for Angels in the Outfield of Dreams

    • Gods & Monsters vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girls

      • Gods & Monsters vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girillas in the Mist.

        you okay with partials or sound a likes?

      • Gods & Monsters vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girls Just Want To Have Fun

        • Gods & Monsters vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Dick and Jane

          • Gods & Monsters vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Dick and The Jane Austen Book Club

          • City of Gods & Monsters vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Dick and The Jane Austen Book Club

          • City of Gods & Monsters vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Dick and The Jane Austen Book Club

          • The Gods & Monsters Must Be Crazy vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Dick and G.I. Jane

          • Sex and the City of Gods & Monsters vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Dick and The Jane Austen Book Club

          • Sex and the City of Gods & Monsters Must be Crazy vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Dick and The G.I. Jane Austen Book of Eli Club

          • The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex and the City of Gods & Monsters Must be Crazy Heart vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Dream Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Dick and The G.I. Jane Austen Book of Billy Eliot Club Dread

          • The Saving Private Ryan Best Years of Our Lives of Elizabeth and Essex and the Dancer in the Dark City of Gods & Monster’s Ball Must be Crazy Angel Heart vs. Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem for a City of Angels in America in the Outfield of Nightmare Before Christmas on Elm Mean Streets 3: Dream Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Dick Tracy and The G.I. Jane Austen Jungle Book of Eli Billy Eliot Club Dread Warriors

  49. Umm this weatherman either does not grasp the idea of flipping someone off or is having a stroke. either way its funny.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svt6MTmTAKQ&feature=player_embedded

  50. this is the most fun I’ve had on Videogum in a long time.

  51. In order to hit 1 Billion comments, I say we start our own BNPG for today. Anyone got any suggestions?
    If not, we can always just post cute animals after bathtime. I’ll start on the latter:


    Just be careful what you google.

  52. WHERE MY PRINCE GIFS AT!!??

  53. Behold, HERO BABIES, guys. America is so rad.

  54. Dag. I am completely zoned out at work today and I finally realize it’s because I usually interrupt my work via Videogum. In the absence of regularly scheduled posts, my productivity goes right down the shitter. Is this healthy?

  55. Terrific work so far, Monsters. If anyone else is having a stressful day at work (like me!), I hope this video of a kitten with a theremin helps: http://www.viddler.com/explore/cheezburger/videos/584/

  56. Hope I’m not too late to the party, because I really want to share this clip with THE WHOLE WORLD! I went to high school with the son of this Father-Son duet team, no lie. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_VWUIKWLj8

  57. This is like the best thing ever ZOMG

  58. This guy singing a song about Facebook and love:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFxSAN3ZbcQ&feature=player_embedded#!

    Him and Dizzee Rascal need to team up with ya boy Bangs soon.

  59. In keeping with Gabe’s request that there be a billion comments on this post, I thought I’d add a bit of good news: my liver results came back yesterday and THEY ARE FINE! I guess I AM supposed to live another year. (That is if the damn mosquitos here in WI don’t give me malaria or something – lol).

    Also thought I’d post another great thing that happened in my life, only it happened a few years back when I was avidly painting, the following was the painting that got the most attention at auction and garnered the most money to date:

    It looks like shit in this picture, but I usually don’t do realism and this turned out really great where the door handle actually looked like you could walk up to the painting and turn it. Anyway, really proud of it and I try to remember these things when things get tough.

    Hope it posted okay – now I gotta shower and go grocery shopping!

  60. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is better than you

    Repeat, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is better than you

  61. Rap song about the best board game in the world: Axis and Allies?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ip15g1SrwY

  62. This is a chimp that looks as if it’s operating a motor vehicle:

  63. Pandas on slides

  64. This is a video of adorable animals attacking each other! I don’t know if I’m an asshole, but it’s the funniest thing i’ve seen in years!

    http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/08/18/pet-expert-mark-morrone-video/