Photos
This is a photo of Jay-Z hugging Gwyneth Paltrow. I’m not sure when it was taken, where it was taken, or why they are hugging. Obviously, they’re somewhere nice, which is almost always the case when two incredibly rich and famous people meet. “Jay-Z hugs Gwyneth Paltrow on the oil-stained lot of an abandoned gas station four miles outside of Cincinnati, Ohio.” No. Nice places, only. Of course, we already know that Gwyneth Paltrow is friends with him. Her kids call him “Uncle Jay”! (GROSS!) (At the very least, it is gross that I know that!) But seeing this incontrovertible proof of the warm and friendly bond that one of the greatest rappers of all time shares with one of the most insufferable women on the planet, it’s just too much. It is like seeing a dear, close friend HUG GWYNETH PALTROW. I mean, I know as well as anyone that the wealthy and famous enjoy the company of people who understand both of those things, but also: yuck. There is literally only one thing left to do: caption this photo. Sorry guys, we have to!
Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. AWWWWWW! (Image via David Cho.)
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Somewhere, Gabe Delahaye sheds a tear and seethes with jealousy.
Is he jealous of Jay-Z because he secretly has a huge crush on Gwyneth Paltrow and has for years, but this one time he asked her out and she said no, but she didn’t just politely decline, she made a huge scene and was a total bitch about it?
“You KNOW they want OUR women!” – Alabama state motto
And, just like that, Jay-Z has 100 problems.
I think you have this one.
oh shit check this: http//99problemsofjayz.wordpress.com
maybe i should add gwyneth.
Congratulations, huckabeast! You’ve earned it!
BOOM! winner
Gabe, the site is broken. I’m clicking on the thumbs up a bunch of times, and it’s not doing anything.
Racist thumbs.
Really? Huh.
Goop State of Mind
“Aw, Gwyneth, thanks to GOOP, now I only have 96 problems!”
I am now so confused! How many problems does he have!?
The worst is when someone not only beats you to a joke by less than a minute, but also their joke is way better.
Plagiarist commentator?
Nooooooooooo?
You are literally crazy for this one, Jay.
“He’s young and he’s black and his standards for choosing friends hangs low.”
As do his shorts, it seems.
I apologize for not getting the joke.
Someone’s shorts are going to be dripping with some pre-GOOP after this little hug.
Jay-Z: [thinking] “Maybe I’ll rub off on her.”
Gwyneth: [thinking] “Maybe I’ll rub off on him.”
Gwyneth: [thinking] “What if he rubs off on me?”
Once again Godsauce, you BROUGHT it. Well done.
Chris Martin: [thinking] “I’m gonna rub one out tonight!”
Shakespeare in Love? More like, Blackspeare in Loveblack. Ahhhh? “Not funny, Steve.” – everybody.
“I’m cool with it.” -Chris Martin
Alternately:
Not pictured: Chris Martin hugging Beyonce.
In fact, he is pictured, but his expression says he’s only so-so.
Not pictured: Dr. Laura hugging Dr. Dre
Now once upon a time not too long ago
Jay-Z had to strong arm Gwyneth Paltrow.
“I’ve got 99 problems, but making the perfect Turkey Ragu and Banana-Nut Muffins is no longer one!” – HOVA
http://goop.com/newsletter/1/en/
Jay-Z had to use his own body heat to keep Gwyneth alive after her Ugg boots and long sleeve sweater were useless protection against the chill of the August beach weather.
Q: Name two types of people who wear boots on a beach.
A: A United States Enviornmental Services worker cleaning up the Deepwater Horizon oil spill and Gwyneth Paltrow.
Why are Gwyneth’s arms the same gray color as Uncle Jay’s ass?
If anyone needs a hug it’s Sad Keanu not Gwyneth.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Evidently even Jay-Z isn’t above the old, “We need to conserve body heat because I’m cold and my shorts are about to fall off,” trick.
And second body heat joke. Oh god! ….sorry.
Why does it make me angry that I’m afraid to wear my “nice” pair of jeans ($60) to the beach while the combined value of GOOP and Uncle Jay’s outfits are assuredly worth more than my entire soul.
Also, check out Mrs. Cool Shoes.
Untitled M. Night Shyamalan Project
“Everyone starts walking backward, feeling suicidal, and then hanging out with Gwyneth Paltrow. As opposed to real life, where it happens the other way.” -movie pitch
From the mind of M. Night Shyamalan, a M. Night Shyamalan Project.
Her kids call her Uncle Jay, huh? At least they don’t call him Uncle Tom.
(Pitchforks down, guys. I have a picture of myself in my wallet.)
They call their Aunt Oprah the Va-Jay-Jay
I just noticed how happy she looks, and I am happy for her!
#godwinslawgum
Does this mean you googled for “happy hitler”?
I wish I had a thousand upvotes for this comment.
It was actually “Hitler smiling” and I am so ashamed. Please forgive me, everyone.
Did you enjoy zee Fuhrer’s birthday?
May his reign last a thouzand years!
May he live for a thousand years
I have a picture of The Black Album in my wallet.
-Gwyneth Paltrow
clearly, nas wins.
It’s easier being white when you have a picture of Uncle Jay in your wallet.
Wait a second, this makes no sense. I think the Gary Busey commercial scrambled my brain.
IT AIN’T EASY BEIN WHITE
unless what she said.
“I don’t want no part of your tight ass country club you freak bitch!”
YES! NEVER NOT FUNNY!
They’re just getting the dirt off each other’s shoulders. No more, no less.
Jay-z “Thank you for shutting down that awful awful GOOP site.”
I ain’t shallow like Hal I’m deep like the BP well
Hugs not Uggs
In England, they call him Giggs.
I wanted to replace ‘Giggs’ with a well-respected rapper from England, scratched my head, googled, and came up with a long list of well-respected British rappers with really weird names. Really weird, to me.
I felt like an idiot. I don’t know rappers from England. Am I being too hard on myself?
No. There’s The Streets, but I think only 30 year old white music critics like him.
I think he blows. Also, his name is The Streets.
Dizzee Rascal rules
G to the izz-O, O to the P-zay.
This little number cracked me up, LOL cakes
Crazy (Shakespeare) in Love
This is my personal favorite. You crazy for this one, Zach.
Jay-Z and Gwyneth Paltrow embrace after realizing that they share the same tendency to wear foolishly inappropriate footwear to the beach
Only possible explanation: Jay-Z was smoking that la, la, la
“Somebody bring me back some artisanal cheeses pleeeeeaaase.”
Her?
I’m sensing an Arrested Development reference, and it is making me smile.
I just finished watching the new trailer for the new Darren Aranofsky movie starring Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis kissing. Rad scene. Looks like a very annoying Psyche kind of movie but I will be purchasing this on blu ray nonetheless.
This one only really works if it’s Jay saying it, Steve.
Can I Get A Hug Hug?
99 problems an’ a beach ain’t one.
(Sorry, huckabeast FTW, I just had to toss this in.)
Gwyneth has 99 problems but being a bitch ain’t one.
*is definitely one.
It’s just that Jigga Man, Gwynnie and U-G-G-s.
First Annual Gathering Of the Huggalos
I’m confused. Is this the Gwyneth who made her train and fell in love with a handsome hustla, or is this the Gwyneth who missed her train and didn’t catch her deadbeat boyfriend cheating on her, but meets the handsome hustla later anyway?
“I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum,”
“Me too, me too.”
“Whoa! Hey, wait! I was just trying to brush some dirt off your shoulder! A simple thank you would’ve sufficed!”
somethingsomethingsomething…99 problems…somethingsomethingsomething…Goop…somethingsomethingsomething…worst ever
Aww, Gwen. That’s so sweet of you to want to become my 100th problem.
“That’s the anthem, pull my damn pants up!”
Justify My Hug?
Hatin’ Paltrow on VG, we off that.
Wearin’ flip flops at the beach, we off that.
“Ew, did any rub off on me”
in response to the overwhelming sexual tension jay z’s pant pulled themselves up
who knows how to post videos here? this would be way funnier.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrYCrdJyaDg
I check Le Chevre like a food inspectah.
I got 99 bitches and here’s another bitch. Fuck.