“So jealous of this guy!” — Grizzly Man

To recap:

•Many of the elves in North Carolina are actually indigenous to Florida and California
•Elves like to be near water where the oceans meet the mountains (?)
•Elves enjoy privacy and are the shyest of all the nature spirits
•They are thin, as you have seen in the elf documentary Lord of the Rings
•THEY ARE THE UNICORN CARETAKERS, DUH GUYS
•Oranges and apples are very big with elves (also shish kebab, also CHINESE FOOD)
•One time this dude hung out with an upside down elf after paying him a copper for passage because he forgot to carry oranges around with him

Got it. Thanks, Bobby Tisdale! (Via @edithzimmerman.)

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Comments (54)
  1. Well, I have to give him props for excellent enunciation.

  2. It really sounds like elves have a lot in common with inbred hillbillies. I wonder if an elf ever told him he has a real purty mouth.

  3. More importantly, elves are lethal killers.

    So watch out for that

  4. When will we, as a nation, come together and allow marriage in the nature spirity community? It’s 2010 guys!

  5. He is correct–if you live in the mountains of Western North Carolina, you are probably really high.

    • On the Real: I lived in North Carolina for a long time and I knew at least 2 adult human beings who believed in the actual, real life existence of fairies (I mean faeries).

      One of these two actual adult humans, who had jobs and could drive cars, told me once that she must have angered the fairies because they (the fairies) kept knocking the books of this woman’s shelf.

      The fact that this story came during the announcement portion of a church service made it all the stranger.

  6. And no mention of the many elves toiling under the oppressive conditions at the North Pole. How easily we forget the marginalized.

  7. What 3 feet? Does that mean the film Elf Was a lie? A BIG DIRTY LIE.

  8. Dudes didn’t even go to the Keebler Tree. Fake and gay.

  9. This guy is doing irreparable damage. Non-indigenous species nearly always begin to cause serious harm to the environment they are brought into.

  10. They have a very shocking interview on their website with Michael Jackson, after he crossed- over, in which he expresses remorse for his many plastic surgeries. Lots more revelations and very Michael Jackson private-life specific kinda stuff!

  11. I’ve seen this one. He lives with the elves in Alaska, despite numerous objections from experts. In the end the elves eat him and his girlfriend. They are as dangerous as they are beautiful.

  12. No one has the heart to tell him that Fritos bags are not elves.

  13. He has that type of voice/demeanor that’s so soothing and calming that I glaze over, and then BAM he says the word “elves” and my eyes flutter open and I’m like, “oh shit, what?”

  14. Not Scott Thompson’s best character but I laughed enough.

  15. Comb your hair, weirdo!

  16. “So jealous of this guy’s weed connection.”–Grizzly Man.
    Oh, and of course “–You”.

  17. Well, I guess there’s nothing NOT vegetarian about all this.

  18. Just checked my bamboo and I definitely found some.

  19. Ha ha elves, pennies are 97.5 percent zinc. The gentle fellow totally cheated you.

  20. elves? i only see a fairy. BOOM! I SAID IT!

  21. Their bookstore on M(“M” as in Magical”)ystoftheOracle.com is amazing. I’m no expert, but I feel like someone should tell Christopher Valentine that the “creatures” he’s featuring on the covers of each book aren’t elves or gnomes. They’re called “children,” and there’s probably a legal document somewhere out there that says he needs to stay 2500 feet away from them at all times.

  22. If I was hanging out with all the nature spirit children, I would definitely take them out for Chinese food. That just seems like the logical thing to do.

  23. This appears to be filmed on location at the keyboard salvation guy’s pond. They don’t seem like they’d be such good friends, but the lord works in mysterious ways.

  24. “When I think about you, I touch my elf.” – this guy

  25. “They like to have privacy. They are the shyest of all the nature spirits.”

    Well, that’s convenient.

  26. “Yes there are mermen, just like there are male fairies.”

    Well this video provides proof of one of those things.

  27. Was it just me or did he really say they like to gnaw on wood. TWSS alert.

  28. ZOMG, this guy totally just found Sookie Stackhouse’s family’s secret Herbal Essences lair!

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