This week’s episode was directed by John Slattery, who plays Roger Sterling on TV’s Mad Men! Why? I don’t know! In any case, here we are. Don Draper and Roger Sterling are on the phone with a closeted homosexual talking about cigarettes. They are explaining to him the new rules about cigarette advertising. “No more advertisements featuring Michel Phelps smoking a cigarette,” they explain. They’re getting so angry! They hate this phone call! They keep looking at the secretary that Don Draper gave the business like “can you believe this guy?” and she can believe it, because she’s listening in on the conversation and typing up her notes. No one ever said starting your own advertising company was easy, but this is ridiculous! Is what they are probably thinking. Don says that there is a fire and that he has to go. Well, that ought to work. The man is only the head of a multi-national corporation, and you’ve only been speaking to him with an increasingly agitated tone. I’m sure just saying “fire” and then “click” is all it takes to bring the meeting to a reasonable and agreed-upon close. “Good meeting, everyone. Big business. Back slaps.”
Meanwhile, do women buy Pond’s Cold Cream in order to get married to a man who hates them? Detective Peggy is on the case!
Of course, in detective work, you meet all kinds of characters. Detective Peggy, for example, meets a lesbian who works at Time magazine and is friends with a photographer. They go to a party and get high on funny cigarettes. Then the police come and they hide in a closet. Peggy cheats on her boyfriend. She’s out of control! But that is the life of a detective. ALWAYS SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS. Peggy and Don and that fat old man sit behind a two-way mirror and watch the secretary pool have a discussion with a doctor they don’t know is a doctor (“the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the secretary pool that this lady isn’t a doctor so we can figure out why women buy Pond’s Cold Cream”–Memorable Quotes) but then Allison starts crying. Women, am I right, fellas?! She has to be excused from the room, and Peggy goes to comfort her, only to discover that Allison thinks Don Draper has given everyone the business. Peggy is like “you need to relax, slut.” The old fat man is like “women be cryin’!” That guy is so fat and so old.
Don goes into his office and finds Allison and gives her the Classic Don Treatment. “If you (sex) wrestle with the Draper, you’re going to get wet with tears.” She says she is quitting. He pretends like he’s sad about it. She asks for a letter of recommendation. He says she should just write whatever she wants and he will sign it. Oh, boy. That is NOT what she wanted to hear. She throws a thing at his things, everyone is like “out in the hall, let’s check it out.” The thing is, though, Allison, Don Draper has a brand new advertising agency to run! He can’t be typing out letters of recommendation to everyone who had too much punch at the party!!!! WHAT ABOUT THE CIGARETTE ADS?! “If you enjoy the refreshing taste of a good cigarette, hire Allison.” That’s not going to work, honey.
Pete has to tell his father-in-law that they can’t do the Clearasil ads because it’s a conflict with Pond’s Cold Marriage Face Cream For Single Women. Pete is NOT happy about this. Although, in his defense, Pete is way less whiny these days, wouldn’t you gentlemen agree with me on that? Much less whiny. Congratulations, Pete. You are no longer a little bitch. You are just a regular sized bitch now! He goes to meet his father-in-law to break the bad news, but before he even has a chance, Mr. Trudy Sr. tells him that he’s going to have a baby. Oh, Pete is so excited! He is so excited that he forgets to talk about the business at hand. Whoops! The next day everyone is like, Whoops! But instead of telling him the business, Pete pulls a switcheroo and gets his father-in-law to agree to give him the whole account, EVEN THE VAPO-RUB! His father-in-law seems mad? Like he got ambushed? I’m kind of confused about what’s going on between them. But what I am not confused about is HEY, LOOK EVERYBODY, KEN COSGROVE!
Ken Cosgrove, makin’ copies! The Groveinator-6000!
The next day: a fresh round of back slaps for Pete from all the top brass for pulling in the 6.1 million father-in-law-medicine-and-creams account. And isn’t Don’s new secretary hilarious? It would be funny if he fucked her one night and she got mad.
The doctor comes in to tell Don that women buy Pond’s Cold Cream to get a husband who will never appreciate them, and Don gets mad and she is like “whoa” and he’s like “I’m definitely going to give you the business before this season is over. Don’t doubt it.” Everyone else goes out for a celebratory lunch with Pete’s father-in-law to welcome Vapo Rub to the fold. Peggy goes out for lunch with her new hippie friends. She is upset about Pete having a baby, because one time she had a baby inside of her that Pete put there, but she got it taken out by a doctor and thrown in the garbage. They give each other some pretty intense looks. Pete is moving on into the world of grown ups, while Peggy is stuck downtown with the lesbian drug addicts in hemp jackets. The world is changing in big ways and in small ways. Don comes home to see two old people. It probably means something, who can ever know. We’ll discuss it inside.