Vampire Eric runs into his Vampire Bar and tells his Vampire Friend Pam that they have to Vampire Run, because the Vampire King is going to Vampire Kill them for what Eric Vampire Did to the Vampire King’s Vampire Boyfriend. But his friend Vampire Pam tells him that there’s no time to Vampire Escape, because the VAMPIRE SWAT TEAM is here. Oh boy. This show wastes less and less time getting to the part where you’re reminded that it is INSANE. The Vampire Mayor or whoever the FUCK is like, “Silver Him!” and a Vampire SWAT Team Vampire Member walks up and puts silver on Eric’s shoulder and he is like “Ow!” and Vampire Pam Vampire Screams, and we cut to the opening credits, but people get “silvered” on this show pretty regularly, so I’m not that impressed, and also when we come back from the credits, it seems like the whole “silvering” thing is pretty much already forgotten? And Eric is healed from his awful “silvering”? So I don’t know what all the screaming is about. Time for a Vampire Interrogation! Or should I say, time for a Vampire Fangterrogation?!

So, basically, Vampire Eric is trying to explain to the Vampire League of Extraordinary Vampires that the King is dangerous and evil or something. The lady is like “hold on, let me make sure these webcams are on.” WEBCAMS!

But no one will Vampire Listen to Vampire Eric’s Vampire Warnings. They make him sleep in the bar in TRAVEL COFFINS (remember? Never Forget) and he is so sad and Pam is so sad and the Vampire King is so sad about his boyfriend who is blood soup now and everyone is upset and sad and angry and happy. Which once again raises the question:

HUH?!

This show keeps telling us over and over again that vampires don’t have any emotions, because they’re dead and they can’t have them, but then vampires are super duper emotional. SORRY, PLEASE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF CONSISTENCY IN THE VAMPIRE UNIVERSE, THANKS. Is it blood tears or is it NO TEARS? Figure it out, please, adult human beings who actually write this show for a living.

Meanwhile, Jason is having trouble with that weird looking Skeletor lady and her Meth Family, and Sam is having trouble with his brother who is also a puppy, and Lafayette is in gay love, and there is a fight at the bar and Sam goes crazy, and Hoyt and Jessica, and Tara therapy. You know how it is. Just a normal number of plotlines going on.

Bill and Sookie are back together. Yay? She tells Bill that it’s creepy that he kept a file on her family, and he’s like “it was the only way to protect you.” Sure, Bill. “These old newspaper clippings hastily thrown into a manilla envelope will save you from vampires and werewolves!” Then he goes to sleep and he has a dream back in Sookie’s secret, magic Herbal Essences commercial.

Some Dream Lesbian accuses him of killing Sookie, which is all kinds of complicated but I don’t even feel like thinking about it, so we’ll just assume that it makes sense, and he explains that he’s trying to protect her. Well, first he gets an Herbal Essences Face Blast:

Then he says that he needs to know what Sookie is, and the lady is like “NO WAY, THESE ARE OUR PRECIOUS SECRETS,” but a couple minutes later, Bill tells Sookie that he knows what she is, so I guess it wasn’t that hard. That dream lesbian gives up her lesbian shampoo secrets far too easily. The secret of what Sookie is provides this week’s cliffhanger. OMG! I wonder what she is?! Just kidding. I don’t care. SPOILER ALERT: “Sookie, you are a make believe thing that should not be of any importance to adults.”

Also this:

“I’m Vampire as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.” Or whatever.

Comments (62)
  1. This show really is the wurst.

  2. Herbal Essences Face Blast:

  3. So in the top picture, for some reason I thought that the vampire werewolf man was holding Tom Servo, which seemed odd and confusing.

    Then I realized that I just need new glasses and possibly a new hobby.

    • My favorite/least-favorite thing about that scene was the fact that, before Russell does the “And now the weather — Tiffany?” punchline, he does a hammy camera turn to the second camera in the studio. Which — aside from being a gratuitous wink at the audience, a way of nudging us in the ribs and saying, “a joke is coming!” — means that somewhere in the control room at the news studio, we’re meant to believe that this scene was taking place:

      TV News Director: “AUUUUUUGH! I HAVE JUST SEEN A MAN’S SPINE RIPPED OUT IN FRONT OF ME! OR MAYBE NOT A SPINE, BUT DEFINITELY SOMETHING BLOODY AND POINTY! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SH– wait, hang on, it looks like he’s getting ready to do a camera turn. Ready camera two. Aaaaaaand… take camera two. Perfect.”

    • …fuck…….i guess just not watching doesn’t make me safe

  4. I love how this TERRIBLE SHOW tries to be all existential with their weirdo Vampire Hitler thing. Like, “Wow, this person who is a supernatural creature who does not exist is saying that humans are dumb and their lives are meaningless! I better listen and apply his words to my everyday life to make sure I don’t accidentally cause a VAMPIRE UPRISING.”

    • I love that people assume that shows are always trying to teach people lessons about something. “Oh look at the Christian Allegory that is clearly present in the dichotomy between his love for donuts and his love for veggie burgers”

  5. I’m now three episodes behind on this show. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not sure it’s worth it to waste 3 hours of my life catching up when I can just read Gabe’s recaps.

    Anyone have any advice? Should I bite the bullet and watch the show or just read Gabe’s reviews and peruse awesome True Blood gif galleries?

    • Probably not. I’m in the same boat and I’ve decided it’s just not worth it to watch anymore. When the werewolves were introduced, I really just kind of gave up.

    • I have made a lifetime decision to never watch True Blood and simply read Gabe’s recaps. It’s worked well for me so far.

      • If you bite the bullet, make sure it’s silver.

        • Actually, wooden bullets make vampires go splodey! I think silver is for werewolves? But it also hurts vampires I guess? Most of my werewolf knowledge was gained from reading Harry Potter fanfiction.

          • One of my biggest issues with this show is that if vampires DID exist, and were out about it, the South would go nuts with their guns. Who WOULDN’T buy a vampire gun? And why would Sookie go on all these adventures to find that boring guy without a pile of little wooden bullets?

            Fucking stupid.

          • This comment is actually in reply to haunted’s comment below. I completely agree, the introduction of WOODEN BULLETS, now that we’re three seasons into this show, was absolutely “fucking stupid”. I know it’s silly to try and rationalize what happens on a made-up fantasy show about supernatural beings and whatnot but COME ON. The whole idea that it will be so dangerous and difficult for Vampire Eric to kill the thousands-of-years-older-and-way-more-powerful-than-him Vampire Russel has all at once been made irrelevant given that now all Vampire Eric needs to do this Vampire Job is get a Vampire GUn with WOODEN BULLETS. I’m surprised Gabe didn’t comment on this, but I guess there are only so many Vampire Inconsistencies one can deal with on this Vampire Show.

            p.s. I think Gabe meant for “weird looking Skeletor lady” to refer the new waitress at Merlotte’s, not Jason’s new love interest, Crystal. You know, the one that just happened to be the leader of Tara’s Rape Rape Victim’s Support Group? It’s not like this show has a ton of new characters and plotlines to keep track of, geez. (Sarcasmgum.)

  6. Gabe, I don’t/can’t watch this show (no HBO) so I don’t really have anything important to add. But I will comment on here because I like you.

  7. sympathy comment!

  8. I will never watch that show, but I LOVE reading these reviews.

  9. This episode was a…hell of a lot worse than usual.

    By the time the end rolled around I was crying from laughter via confusion. I knew that the show was bad when I started watching and I knew I would see Anna Paquin’s tits more than I have seen my own and creepy vampire sex with her ugly-ass vampire boyfriends but at this point I REALLY don’t know why I watch the show.

  10. I haven’t found a suitable place to post this image yet but it’s probably my favorite True Blood gif so I’m going to use it today:

    • Augh! I hate that they’re making Jason Stackhouse, the only worthwhile character on this show, fall stupid in love with stupid Crystal. This season is so stupid!

      • I love Jason! He is so earnest! Last night he got to redeem himself by saving Tara, using a weapon given to him by Evil Daddy who manipulated him into being Crazy Cult Jason last season. That was a really good moment for him, a reversal of his killing of (my name is) Eggs whom Tara actually loved (versus Franklin, whom she did not at all).

      • It’s a shame that Charlaine Harris wrote a book depicting Jason and Crystal’s relationship and that Alan Ball created a show from those books and had Jason and Crystal have a relationship. That’s such a shame.

        • It’d be nice if these characters would realize that loving someone whose batshit crazy sometimes doesn’t work. The second I found out some dude I fucked near a lake was engaged, that’d be game over for me. Then again, I am not a fictional character.

  11. wait. this is a show?

  12. I like this show…

    • Me too. I think this show is a lot of fun.

    • I love it a lot. The combination of what-the-fuckery and serious business is like drugs created exactly for my brain. Like my own personal brand of heroin, you might say.

      (that combination is also why I love Caprica: so insane and melodramatic, and so serious and complex. Also Polly Walker)

    • I always feel really guilty for enjoying True Blood as much as I do when I come on here. It has consistently been the highlight of my week this whole season.

    • I say I hate this show because its so stupid and absurd but I still watch every single episode and come to this website to boast about how much I hate this show (but still watch religiously) because I’m a total idiot who either A. secretly likes the show and find it amusing or B. am mildly retarded. Maybe I should stop complaining about how watching this show is like taking a cattle prod to the eye, and actually stop watching the show and just get my updates via this blog, but I’m not smart enough to do that. I am however smart enough to downvote this comment, which I will do now.

  13. Genuinely surprised that Gabe didn’t comment on the whole “Tara begs to be killed” scene, which felt like it was written just to taunt him.

  14. Pity comment.

  15. I will admit that I’m a little upset about the show’s best character, Franklin, appears to finally be dead-dead (Or is it dead-undead? Undead-dead? Final death? Ultimate… *kills self*)

    • I was sad about this too. When he came back I was like, “Yayyy! I missed Franklin!” And then he died, and I was like, “BOOOO!!!!” The writers of this show are just making terrible decisions all over the place.

      • I really thought it was probably ALL A DREAM to help her get over HER PAST. But then it wasn’t and he was really there and there are really such things as “wood bullets.” I was very surprised.

    • Rape-rape?

  16. this show is the worst but the recaps are the best. simple, but true.

  17. I think my favorite thing about this show is watching it with adults who have never seen an episode of True Blood before. They are so confused! Even after I explain all the grown-up things that this show is about, like oh yeah, she’s a werewolf who is mad at Sookie because she killed her cooter. Or that man who is talking to the candy jar full of goo is actually talking to the remains of his recently murdered mincing gay lover named after a store for rich old white ladies.

    It makes me feel like I have finally started participating fully in the rich adult world where I only talk about adult things that are totally serious.

  18. “And now, the weather. Tiffany?”

  19. Against my better judgment, I started watching True Blood on MegaVideo on legal DVDs that I bought with money because I thought it couldn’t actually be as dumb as Gabe makes it sound. Then I saw a guy get a handjob in the first 5 seconds and heard Tara’s accent and decided, nope, if anything Gabe made it sound more reasonable than it is.

    • Ugh, HTML fail. That “on MegaVideo” is supposed to be strike-through’d.

    • Okay, so…I’m five episodes in…and I think I actually kind of like this show? Like, I agree with everything Gabe says about it – there are too many characters to expect me to care about all (or any) of them, Jason is gross, Bill and Sookie’s relationship is weird, Tara needs to get run over by a bus, the supernatural elements don’t really make sense…but I’m still kind of enjoying it? And I want to keep watching it?

      I don’t know, guys. I’m so confused right now.

  20. Can we talk about Eric’s face on the big screen for the vampires to see, while they are all using Macbook Pros? So they can Vampire Twitter about it?

    And why the fuck does this show show us the same plot twist 20 times? Yes, Jason loves Crustal. But Crystal will pretend she doesn’t know him. They make up. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Sam tries to give his brother a stable environment, but puppy Tommy keeps disrespecting him (and I didn’t need to see his top cock).

    My god, please let Sookie be part centaur. Next week half a horse will pop out of her ass. What’s next to discover next season? Leprechauns?

  21. Vampires do exist. And now I am very scared watching this video.
    Glamour Smile

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.