Unstoppable trailer*, you guys:

Pfft! Eight freight cars of hazardous chemicals and 150 schoolchildren headed for collision? WAKE ME UP WHEN THERE IS A REAL DISASTER THAT NEEDS AVERTING. If you’re going to make an exciting action movie, you’ve got to raise the stakes. Drama 101. “This guy just gets it” — Andy Chekov. Here’s what I’m thinking:

  • Eight freight cars of hazardous chemicals
  • 150 schoolchildren
  • A prison transport carrying 1,000,000 of the world’s most dangerous and elusive criminals
  • A woman pregnant with twins going into labor who is about to learn that her husband was killed in Iraq on a gurney being rolled across the tracks for some reason
  • The handwritten cure for cancer in the breast pocket of a drunk man stumbling
  • A warehouse full of Shiba Inu puppies that was accidentally built at the switch point for four different train tracks
  • A stalled rental car with the Dalai Lhama, Bono, Jimmy Carter, and Rachel Bilson inside (TWIST: they did not buy supplemental insurance)
  • A cargo shipment of fresh lettuce
  • Train Force One

All headed towards each other at 150 billion miles per second. Now THAT is a TRAINWRECK!

*Also, how fucking obnoxious and insulting is it that Tony Scott made a million dollars by selling a fucking punchline of an SAT question as an action movie plot? “Based on a true AP Exam math problem.” Fuck Hollywood in the face until it dies.
Comments (71)
  1. It’s like Die Hard on a Speed!

  2. I hope they are able to save that train of chemicals from the train of out-of-control children.

  3. I saw it when it was called Atomic Train. It sucked then too.
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0144039/

  4. I’m really glad they try shooting at the train. That’s definitely an effective way of stopping a train with no brakes.

  5. Sounds like someone didn’t score well on their SATs…

  6. Totally unrelated to this movie but: I was on YouTube, checking out some possum care vids, and decided to joke to our good friend MePearlA, this is it how it went down:

    ME: “Address the Elephant in the room? Don’t you mean the Opossum in the room?”

    HER: @sgg22 ‘An elephant in the room’ is a term used to mean something that is very obvious and very important that is not being acknowledged. in this case it’s the fact that opossums belong outside, if they are able to survive on their own.

  7. It’s 2010 shouldn’t it be a hoverjet full of space chemicals

    • In the new Star Trek movie, Chris Pine reprises his role as Captain James T. Kirk as he attempts to save the humpback whale population by going back into the past and starring in a Hollywood film audiences wish would be the new Star Trek movie, because then it would be fun.

  8. “We’re gonna run this bitch down” – Captain Kirk

    I didn’t know Eminem wrote the script?

  9. This horrible marriage of Washington and Scott must be stopped. Like that train. With the chemicals and children and stuff on it.

    • Seriously, was thinking the same thing. Denzel is the best and Tony Scott is mediocre to terrible with tons of crappy editing and like neon lights for no reason everywhere.

  10. PU-LEEZE. Everyone knows the US never bothered with building infrastructure for high speed trains.

  11. It seems like a few railroad crossing signs would have solved most of the prolems presented in this movie.

    • It’s a rogue train, not even the crossing signs knew what was coming!

      I wanna know is how an unmanned train gets under full power?

      Looks awesome though, Chris Pine is really starting to take off!

  12. Wow they really are turning all my childhood memories into movies aren’t they:

  13. What happened to the train drivers? Did they have the fish?

    • Denzel: Your son Billy was scheduled to be working today and now his train has gone rogue and is about to collide with some children and their soft heads.

      Old Lady: But that’s not possible….Billy’s been dead FOR FIFTY YEARS?!?!?!

  14. I hope the theme music is Guns n Roses Night Train song.
    Wake up late
    honey put on your clothes
    and take your credit card to the liquor sto’
    well thats one for you
    and two for me
    because toniiiiiiiiiiiiight
    I’ll be rollin like a freight train
    flyin like an aeroplane
    feeling like a space train one more time tonight
    I’m on the night train
    love that stuff!
    I’m on the night train
    and I can never get enough
    I’m on the night train
    ready to crash and burn
    I’ll never learn
    I’m on the night train

  15. I’m excited to find out what is wired to the train cars that stops them from uncoupling the tankers of “hazardous chemicals” from the engine…

  16. That trailer needed more shots of Chris Pine’s pretty eyes. They’re so blue and sparkly.

  17. I’m no train surgeon, but I thought you had to have this guy in order for the train to keep going?

  18. This will be a great date night movie. Afterwards, I’m taking my special lady to Taco Town

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/1447/saturday-night-live-taco-town

  19. Been out of town for a week, and I get to come back to “Fuck Hollywood in the face until it dies.” Nice to be back home.

  20. I want everything to go into slow motion at the end of the movie . . .

    Que song . . . “Runaway train never coming back, wrong way on a one way track . . .”

  21. Also coming to theaters in the (impossible) future of 2013:

    A farmer (Nicholas Cage) must create an enclosure on his land to store nuclear warheads. He has only 500 yards of electrified fence and TNT detonating wire to create the enclosure with. What is the maximum area that he could create to encompass these warheads?

    • So in the future they’re proctoring the LSATs in movie theaters. Cool!

    • Zac Efron plays Sam Tefft, a renegade dropout from Harvard is contacted to deliver the solution to this impossible feat. Will he be able to put his troubled past aside and pave his way for a safer future . . . AND A SAFER AMERICA??? Tune in . . . FALL 2013.

  22. Why do they still let Tony Scott make movies? I think he’s like 1 for 45, and the one (True Romance) was 17 years ago. He must have pictures of someone giving their possum a pedicure.

  23. Training Day 2: This time, it’s trainier.

    Uh… you got any gun? –Chekhov

  24. I wanna see that horse get vaporized!!

  25. Monorail…monorail…monorail. Ah, shit, there goes North Haverbrook!

  26. Please tell me this is a comedy because it’s hilarious.

  27. I hope movies based on SAT questions really takes off. I am working on a killer Pythagorean Theorem thriller.

  28. Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!

  29. Bruce Willis would still survive. Unbreakable vs Unstoppable

  30. Hi, TJ Miller!

  31. Nice, this was filmed in PIttsburgh! My firm did consulting work on the film. We specialize in the Railroad law. Apparently Denzel Washington, Rosario Dawson, Chris Pine, and the producers/ directors asked a bunch of questions about signals, constructive crossings, and couplers, then ignored everything we said and just did what they wanted anyway. We billed them double our hourly rate.

  32. I would absolutely see this movie, with the caveat that it be less about a metal train than a train of people high-speed Christmas party dancing. It could be just as suspenseful, if some of them were drunk.

  33. so this movie is pretty much this game, right?

  34. I can’t wait for the sequel: Snakes on the Unstoppable Arab Train with the Health Care Reform Bomb.

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