It has been a couple of weeks without any Jeremy London news. Ever since he agreed to star in Celebrity Rehab with Doctor Drew to get the help he so desperately needs from a garbage TV doctor for his addiction to being forced to smoke drugs at gunpoint, the story has gone quiet, as we say in the journalism business (I just made that up! It sounds good, though, right?) But today: FRESH NEWS. And as you might expect: IT IS HILARIOUS. From Radar:

Police investigating the Jeremy London kidnapping case want to question his soon-to-be ex-wife again after she turned whistleblower in exclusive interview with RadarOnline.com.

Melissa Cunningham revealed that London was looking to “score drugs” on the night that he was allegedly abducted.

“I believe it was a drug deal gone bad,” she told RadarOnline.com on Monday.

DING DONG! Wait a second, you mean to say that on the night when two men allegedly helped you fix a flat tire, then gave you a ride home, and then forced your husband to smoke drugs at gunpoint and buy alcohol (?!) for people in the neighborhood (?!) that this was not a routine smash-and-grab robbery?

Cunningham’s revelation has sparked new interest by police in Palm Springs, California who now want to question her further about her claims.

I bet! Oh man, if it turns out that Jeremy London was just being a racist liar when he claimed that two black men stole his car and forced him to smoke drugs at gunpoint (?!) and buy alcohol for people in the neighborhood (?!) that is going to be some real EXPLOSIVE SNOOZE. Wake up, Palm Springs Police Department. If Horatio Cane was on the case, he would be like YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RIGHT!

Comments (57)
  1. Miserable people making miserable “news” out of their miserable “lives.”

  2. The most ridiculous part of this story, which has a lot of ridiculous parts competing for the title of MOST RIDICULOUS, is that the accused kidnapper/crackpipe-forcer is still in jail. Not that this dude is the most upstanding citizen, but to sit in jail on this clearly fictional charge is stupid.

  3. Well if you can’t trust Jeremy London about being kidnapped and forced to do drugs, who can you trust? I just don’t know about this crazy messed up world anymore. I really don’t.

  4. I won’t believe a word of it until I see it in Taiwanese CGI form.

  5. I don’t know why he claimed it was two black men who kidnapped him. He should have just told them it was Jay and Silent Bob. La Fours would have been all over the case.

  6. Correction: Brendan Fraser Look-alike UPDATE: Still A Lying Drug Addict!

  7. You know who you can trust?

    • I want to respond to this intelligibly, but some things are just too beautiful for words.

      • Cool story (maybe?):

        When I spent a couple months in Japan, I was in general really, really hoping that someone would give me some sort of mystical sword to go on a mission with. Whethere it was to be in a flee market where someone told me a story that my friends thought was bullshit but I believed, or whether someone would actually give it to me, I didn’t know, but I wanted this to happen.

        Towards the end, I went on a walk, nine days or so, just walking the countryside, then through cities or town, finding a place to sleep, waking up, walking the day again. This was it I thought, this is the time to be given a mystical sword. Then I was walking through a small town and started seeing signs for a sword museum. Thrilled, I followed. I had to turn down multiple streets, it was on the outskirts of the town. I was getting more and more excited. Looking for an elderly man with a long beard. No such luck. The museum was pretty cool. I read about swords. No one approached me though, and I saw no small shacks or caves.

        A nice woman at the sword museum did give me a couple of mikans (small organges) to take with me on the walk though. That was really awesome.

        Cool story?

        • It’s better than the time I tackled a red-headed woman at the mall hoping that she would heal my wounds.

          It’s…best not to ask.

          • I can’t say I blame you, though I do hope that you got the wounds taken care of eventually. At my house our glasses are all various glass jars, and I most enjoy drinking milk out of the one closest in size and shape to Zelda milk jars. Also, there’s two people at the local co-op who have triforce tattoos, and before I move I want to buy a thing of milk in a glass jar from one of them, then after the purchase, strike this pose:

            Make the item sound, and walk off.

            DOooooooooooooork. I need to go read some more German literature and then watch sports.

          • Plot synopsis for “Death in Hyrule” (spoiler alert!):

            The main character is Ganon von Aschenbach, a famous monster king in his early fifties. He decides to take a trip to Hyrule. When Ganon checks into his hotel, he sees an aristocratic family. Among them is an adolescent boy in a green felt elf outfit. Ganon, startled, realizes that the boy is beautiful. Soon afterward, after spying the boy and his family at a beach, Ganon overhears the lad’s name, Link, and conceives what he tells himself is an abstract, artistic interest.

            Over the next days and weeks, Aschenbach’s interest in the beautiful boy develops into an obsession. He watches him constantly, and secretly follows him around Hyrule. One evening, the boy directs a charming smile at him, looking, Ganon thinks, like Narcissus smiling at his own reflection. Disconcerted, he rushes outside, and in the empty garden whispers aloud, “I love you!” A dodongo looks at him and grunts.

            One night, a dream filled with orgiastic Dionysian imagery reveals to him the sexual nature of his feelings for Link. Afterwards, he begins staring at the boy so openly and following him so persistently that Ganon feels the boy’s guardians finally notice, and take to warning Link whenever he approaches too near the strange, solitary man.

            Ganon begins to fret about his aging face and body. In an attempt to look more attractive, he visits the hotel’s barber shop almost daily, where the barber eventually persuades him to have his hair dyed and his face painted to look more youthful. Freshly dyed and rouged, he again shadows Link through Hyrule in the oppressive heat.

            A few days later, Ganon goes to the lobby in his hotel, feeling ill and weak, and discovers that the family plan to leave after lunch. He goes down to the beach to his usual deck chair. Link is there, unsupervised for once, and accompanied by his sister Aryll. Link leaves his companion and wades over to Ganon’s part of the beach, where he stands for a moment looking out to sea; then turns halfway around to look at his admirer. To Ganon, it is as if the boy is beckoning to him: he tries to rise and follow, only to collapse sideways into his chair.

            His body is discovered a few minutes later.

          • Mans, you seriously rule so so so much. I want to do a version with a man lying in bed, recovering from his walk through the old, ruined Hyrule countryside.

            Since you don’t want a Nobel, and I already got you a Sega:

        • Did you encounter Colonel Sanders or Johnnie Walker at any point on this journey?

          • Colonel Sanders, yep. I even encoutered Colonel Sanders dressed as Santa. It wasn’t December. Also, lots and lots of waving cats.

          • Talking cats or just waving cats?

            Sorry, I’m adding Murakami references onto this already insular Zelda refernce thread, but I figured maybe a Venn diagram showing overlap between Videogum commenters, Zelda fans, and Murakami readers might actually be rather large?

            Maybe not…please proceed.

          • I got it, I upvoted.

          • I’m so mad I didn’t get it. I love Murakami. I probably would have gotten it if Johnnie Walker had come before Colonel Sanders, but I got way too caught up in the memory of seeing a plastic Colonel Sanders statute dressed up as Santa, in like October.

          • Yeah, Kafka on the Shore is amazing.

            Funny Colonel Sanders in Asia story – I visited my brother and a friend who were teaching in Incheon, S. Korea when the World Cup was there a few years back. First day, walking through a busy area of Incheon, my friend says “You wanna see one of the big differences between here and Chicago?” and proceeds to walk up to a Colonel Sanders statue outside a KFC. The statue had a fiberglass cane hanging over his arm, that was not attached to the statue. My friend picks it up, waves it around, puts it back on the statue’s arm and says “No one here steals this!” That wouldn’t last one night in Chicago.

    • This, clearly (I hope), was meant as a reply to lilbobbytables.

  8. Maybe they forced him to lie about all this at gunpoint too

  9. I would love to see the exact moment that new interest sparked in the Palm Springs police force.

  10. Looks like Jeremy London’s Bridge is….

    Falling down.

  11. “Jeremy, you’re acting real crackish right about now.” – me

  12. what happened to the good ol days of Mallrats where all he would do is get super stoned with Jay and Silent Bob?

  13. Whenever I hear someone go “I’m not racist, I have black friends!” I think about Jeremy London and it all makes sense.

  14. I’m only here for the comments.

  15. I hope this case leads to wacky courtroom hijinks involving Jeremy and Jason dressing up like each other, running around in circles, and being like “Ha! You can’t persecute someone if you CAN’T TELL THEM APART!” And the prosecutor will be like “I rest my case!” And the judge will be like “Sustained!” And Wooderson will be like “Alllllllriiiiiiight!” And Jay and Silent Bob will be like “Snooch to the nooch!”

  16. unless I’m totally misremembering the events, it seems like a drug-deal gone good, not a drug-deal gone bad. The night ended pretty fucking high, no?

  17. I tried to be jeremy friend but he said on his facebook page that what happened was a wild goose chase,who says that months after they have been kidnapped.jeremy all over the place with his whole life.its mean to lie and others pay for those lies.one day the truth will come out.jeremy is no friend I wish to have besides,he doesn,t know how to be one.life is just a joke to him but the joke is on him.

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