[This week's episode of Mad Men has been recapped by Benji Meyer, a 10-year-old who lives with his parents in Ohio.]

My dad said Videogum wanted me to watch this show and I said no because I didn’t want to watch it but dad said it is on at 10PM and bedtime is at 9:30PM but dad said if I watch the show I get to stay up until 11PM so I said OK I’ll watch it and so I watched it. It’s so dumb! My dad says it’s really good but mom says dad just likes it because he likes the red-haired lady’s sweaters and dad said no he likes it because it’s about how the world used to be a better place and mom said oh, like, what, like, when black people were treated bad and women were treated bad and gay people were treated bad? And dad said no, that’s not what he meant and he told mom that she knew that’s not what he meant, but she said well then what did he mean, and dad just got quiet and I was so bored. Tom Hamilton’s dad took him to a monster truck rally last weekend, and they actually got to sit inside a monster truck in the parking lot and he has a t-shirt now that says Gravedigger, which is both of our favorite truck, which he wears every single day. Tom Hamilton gets to do that and my dad makes me watch this show about old people drinking too much juice and kissing each other like they’re in love and want to have a baby and get married and having a dumb job that sucks. When I grow up, I’m going to own my own videogame store like GameStop but better than GameStop because GameStop kind of sucks, but no one will be able to tell me what to do ever, not even my dad, who will probably work for me haha I’ll be his boss and he’ll have to clean up the store and I’ll boss him all around. Haha.

When the show starts these two kids are wearing funny looking clothes and shopping for a Christmas tree. They look like nerds. If kids looked like that at my school they’d probably get made fun of. Rodney would probably punch them in the face. He punched a girl in the face one time. I saw it. The principle made me come into her office and tell her what I saw, but I didn’t want to, because I didn’t want Rodney to punch me in the face, but eventually she did make me tell her, and Rodney got in pretty big trouble and I was sure he was going to punch me in the face but so far he hasn’t punched me in the face. This whole show is about Christmas or something, which doesn’t even make any sense. Hello, it’s July! Christmas isn’t forever from now. So dumb. Now they’re in an office or something. They have to take a test like they’re in school. I’m never taking any tests when I’m done with school. Some old man shows up and everyone is happy to see him because he’s so old and everyone is pretty old, they’re probably 100 years old, but then this old man is 200 years old. They ask if he wants some juice, but he doesn’t want any juice, so they drink the juice without him. Why doesn’t he want any juice, I asked my dad, and my dad said he didn’t want it because some people drink too much juice and they have to go to the hospital. My grandma was in the hospital one time. Her face was all puffy.

They have a Christmas party. I think they weren’t going to have one because it’s July but then someone said we have to have one because this one guy wants to come to a Christmas party really bad, so they had one. It looked so boring. People sat around and there weren’t any videogames or pizza I don’t think at all. This one guy showed up and everyone wanted to be friends with him, and then they all stood around and gave each other these looks like the way my mom looks at my dad sometimes right before I have to go to my room and I can hear them still yelling downstairs, fighting, like they think I don’t know what they are doing, but I do know. I know a lot more than people think I know. Also some boys go into a house and pour cereal on the counter and throw eggs on the ground. When the people get home to their house they see the cereal and the dad doesn’t even get mad. My dad would be so mad if he came home and found cereal on the floor and eggs everywhere. His face would get all red and he would stomp all over the place and my mom would be like Harvey! When his face gets red she says his name, which is Harvey, but when his face is normal she just says things like, honey, or Harv, or sweetie. It’s gross.

One guy dresses up like Santa Clause. It’s really funny. That part was really funny. Other old people had to sit on his lap and tell him what they wanted like they were little kids when actually they were, like, 100 years old. Hahaha.

Don Draper drinks too much of the juice and falls down. This lady takes his shoes off. Then another time he drinks too much juice and falls down again. He really likes juice! This other lady sits with him on the couch and then they start kissing and that’s when mom asked dad if I should really be watching this as if I don’t know all about it. Phil Handmann had a magazine and we looked at it two different times! Dad said she was right and he made me cover my eyes, but I still looked a little through my fingers and I saw dad seeing me doing that but he didn’t say anything and mom got mad and went into the kitchen and told dad she didn’t know why he was doing this anyway and he said doing what and she said you know what and he said no i don’t know what what is it that I am doing and she said forget it and he said fine. I don’t see what the big deal was, because after Don Draper kissed the lady, she went to the bathroom and then she left. OOooooooooooh. Big whoop. That’s what my brother Dave says. Big Whoop. He’s almost 14. The next day he gave her 100 dollars! Lucky. One time I found a 20 dollars bill on the ground at the mall outside the Lord and Taylor but mom said I could only spend five dollars of it and the rest of it was going to go into my college fund. If I had 100 dollars I would buy a PSP and a whole case of root beer, and I would give all my friends at school gum but I wouldn’t give people I didn’t like any gum at all.

Comments (112)
  1. Was anyone else creeped out by that man-child stalker Glenn?

  2. Last night’s episode showed me that people of the 1960s were able to have sex by removing an astonishingly small amount of clothing. Either that or Don’s darkest secret is that he wears sweatpants all day.

    • Um, I think you mean Pajama Jeans?

    • Coming soon: Kevin Smith’s Mad Men

      • RANDALL: Dante, we need your idea for the new Anal Intruder dildo campaign. Seriously man, get on it, so to speak. Or literally. Whatever floats your boat. Which you’re going to need a bigger one of, by the way. At least, that’s what Caitlin Brie told me. Wacka wacka. C’mon, you lazy douche, you’re always complaining, well, this is your chance to step up and be half the man that Bruce Wayne was in the Killing Joke, or whatever obscure comic-book reference I can make to motivate you. Give me your rectum-related ideas. I bet you’ve got a lifetime’s worth.
        DANTE: I’m not even supposed to BE here today!
        –Actual dialog from “Kevin Smith’s Mad Men,” due out in 2012 (in accordance with Mayan prophecy)

    • Who cares if Don Draper can have a roll in the hay with or without his clothes on.
      It’s Hollywood, and anything can happen. BTW Mr. Hamm is georgeous with or without his clothes on and is a pleasure to watch!!


  3. I was actually really surprised that Don slept with his secretary. I though for sure that he was going to sleep with the neighbor of the blonde Pond’s lady.

  4. RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!!! I got my wish. It’s a christmas miracle!!!!!

  5. Is Tom Hamilton related to Tad Hamilton? He almost cost my friend Topher Grace the love of his life so I hate that guy

  6. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  7. I want to go to schoolgum.

  8. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  9. Who would’ve thought the head of a cigarette company would have such a disdain for humanity?

  10. How have we gone this long without mentioning Alison Brie? “1960′s Annie!”

  11. This recap was cute and all, but can it please not be a permanent thing?

  12. Can Benji Meyer comment in this thread? I think I need my mind blown this sluggish Monday.

  13. The funniest part of the entire episode was Don’s “goodnight!” to the nurse.

  14. “did you enjoy the fuhrer’s birthday?”
    “may he live a thousand years!”
    oddly adorable.

  15. Did anyone else feel like the Dove ad was totally inappropriate and actually mocking Mad Men?

  16. sorry for all the commenting on comments everyone. I just really loved last night’s ep and I’m home sick today. :(

  17. Kids aren’t taught the difference between July and August until they turn 11.

  18. Don and Roger’s fake nazi banter was pretty much the funniest thing in the world.

    You just know the Lucky Strikes guy was getting off on making Roger put on the santa suit. What a creepbag.

  19. So! Have you guys ever watched The Apartment? A 1960 film with Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine? It is totally great and I have it on DVD if you ever want to borrow it. Basically, Jack Lemmon is striving to work his way up the corporation and he loans his apartment to his married superiors so they can sleep with their secretaries and other women in the office. It works and he ends up slowly climbing the corporate ladder.

    But Lemmon falls in love with elevator girl MacLaine, who has been sleeping with Lemmon’s big boss, Fred MacMurray. MacMurray is totally skeevy and treats MacLaine very badly. Lemmon stands up to him and loses his job. MacLaine leaves MacMurray and there’s a wonderfully ambiguous ending which suggests MacLaine and Lemmon may get together, but maybe not.

    Anyway! There were so many echoes of that film in last night’s ep.
    1) There a raucous Christmas party in both, including a conga line.
    2) MacMurray gives MacLaine cash for Christmas, much like Don does with his secretary.
    3) MacMurray gets a divorce at the end of the film, much like how Don is divorced.
    4) Lemmon’s neighbors all think he’s a fall-down drunk, and Don IS getting to be a fall-down drunk.
    5) There’s a scene in a Chinese restaurant in the film, and they order Chinese food for the party in the ep.

    And there’s probably a bunch of others that I missed. There were lots of other visual echoes too.

    It’s interesting, too, that the Don’s equivalent isn’t the lovable schlub with a good heart–it’s the heel, MacMurray! Don seems to be losing his code of ethics. Or something. Anyway. Interesting.

  20. Is anyone else hoping that this whole apparent arc of Don being off-the-rails and sexing anything that moves (provided he’s had enough to drink) doesn’t go on for too much longer? I don’t know if I’m such a fan of it.

    Also, how has nobody brought up the return of Freddie Rumsen (other than in passing as the guy who didn’t want juice)?

  21. I wish Don Draper would drink too much juice and kiss me. Amiright, ladies?

  22. It makes me incredible uncomfortable to see: 1. Don getting rejected (three times!) 2. Glen brandishing his super cool knife 3. Don fucking his secretary and the cut-away to Sally longing at the window, eeep!

  23. I’m so very very sad that when Don finally decided to dip in to the company ink, he didn’t go after Joan.

  24. Guys where is the GIF of Don Draper watching Lee menace Roger? Him watching a repressed homo who ruined his friend’s (Sal’s) career sadly impose what little power he has over his life over ANOTHER guy Don doesn’t care for was amazing – happiest face ever.

  25. What about the subtle (read: not-subtle) political banter at the Christmas party? Medicare is bad!

  26. You guys, no need to worry. DON IS GOING TO ACAPULCO, BABIES!

  27. I love this website.

  28. Sally’s initials are SBD? Hooray for Mad Men fart jokes!

  29. I just started watching this show last week and wasn’t all too impressed. Then I watched this week’s episode, now I feel SO LAME.

  30. “holden weiner” hahaha! classic.

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