There was no recap of last week’s episode, but if there had it would have read something like this: “There is a boring speech and then another boring speech, and OH, GROSS! Yuck! Something really gross just happened. Oh, another boring speech.” What was with all the boring speeches last week? It was as if the episode was intended for someone who was just watching it for the first time, to catch them up on the political reality of modern vampire-werewolf relations, or something, but as someone who has seen every episode of this show, it still makes no sense, so relax with the boring speeches already. I watched last week’s episode with a friend who had only ever seen the show once before (and who put up quite a protest about having to watch it a second time) and the questions that ADULTS are forced to ask by the developments of True Blood are hilarious. “Is that character a human?” “Where are the werewolves?” “Wait, did he say he is the Vampire King of Mississippi?” Good grief. Anyway, Bill almost died! (So what?!) Jason Stackhouse got blue balls by a lake at midnight! Tara did a really gross thing! A couple gross things, actually! Sookie got bitten by Laverne! And that brings us to this week. Great. Can’t wait.
Sookie says she is going to kill Lorene. She laughs, either because she is an ancient, super-powerful vampire, or because the way Anna Paquin tries to sound tough and serious and angry and Southern all at the same time is hilarious. Oh, but three seconds later, Sookie does kill her, so I guess that’s that. Then Alcide’s girlfriend comes in with a gun and is like “My clothes cost two dollars!”
Tara MIND MELDS with Sookie (oh brother) and that’s how they get the gun away from Hot Topic, and then Alcide shoots the other werewolf (writing complete sentences about what happens on this show has the same effect on me that Loretta’s torture devices had on Bill, and also what was THAT about? It’s going to be hard for her to kill him because she loves him so much, but it will not be hard for her to slowly torture him? Huh? And on THAT note, I’m very confused by this show’s constant flip-flopping on the fact that vampires aren’t supposed to feel any pain or emotion, and yet they are constantly feeling both pain and emotion? I’m not trying to be an old stick in the blood [SEE WHAT I DID THERE, ALAN BALL? I AM COMING FOR YOU!] but a modicum of logical consistency is literally the least this show could do for me) and locks his ex-girlfriend in the slave quarters (the slave quarters!) and they throw Bill into the back of a truck wrapped in a tarp and they drive over a werewolf with the truck and they go to the hospital.
Meanwhile, I don’t know, something about the Vampire King of Mississippi and the Vampire Queen of Louisiana? And Eric is a homo vampire now? What’s up with Eric, you guys? I’m worried about Eric. Just kidding. I’m not worried about anyone. I’m sure I’ve said this before, and am becoming an increasingly-broken record, but this show has zero dramatic stakes because I don’t care what happens to anyone. Every single character could die and I would be completely fine with that. Or, none of the characters could ever get the dramatic resolution they’re looking for, and I would be fine with that, too. “Oh no, Sookie and Bill are being torn apart.” Good. You mean the make-believe relationship between a make-believe vampire and a make-believe mind-reader is hitting make-believe stumbling blocks towards a make-believe “happy” ending? OH NO, INDEED. But so, now the Vampire King of Mississippi and the Vampire Queen of Louisiana are going to be married…and what? Take over the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company? I mean, if I am to believe that every single state in the United States of America has a vampire king and/or queen, then that means there are a fucking TON of vampire kings and queens, and I’m going to imagine they exist in other countries as well? So the insistence this show is making that the Vampire King of Mississippi is engaging in an unprecedented power grab that could change the vampire world FOREVER seems to really be overlooking just how many implied vampire obstacles are in his way, according to the fantasy rules developed by this fictional universe. UGH. The only thing I hate more than this show’s logical failures and structural inconsistencies is the fact that I KNOW ABOUT THEM.
Can this show please just fall into the ocean, already?
Jason Stackhouse likes some girl. Lafayette likes the nursing home guy. Vampire Jessica. Andy Bellefleur. Arlene. Sam and his dog-fighting family. Are there any characters I’m forgetting? God forbid we do not stay on top of the 300 concurrent plotlines. I think I covered them all. Bill almost kills Sookie in the back of that truck. Yay! Oh, she’s not dead. Tara kicks him into the sunlight, and he smokes a little bit but he doesn’t burst into flames. Whaaaaa? He runs into the forest. That part is funny for some reason. When he runs into the forest. “Shoot,” he says, and runs into the forest. Haha.
Everyone else runs to the hospital. But Sookie doesn’t have a bloodtype! (Oh God.) No one knows what she is or what her bloodtype is or how she was born or why she won’t die. Sookie goes to some magical heaven graveyard Herbal Essences commercial.
Bill comes to the hospital and offers to give Sookie his blood to save her. Tara doesn’t want him to do it. Jason decides he can do it. He does it. When “the darkness” comes, Sookie doesn’t jump into the magic heaven pond or whatever, but Carol, or whatever her name is, tells Sookie not to let the darkness take her light (which I guess is, like, a drink?) and then she wakes up and sees Bill and screams. Wait, I thought they were in love?! Oh no! (Just kidding. See above.)
Eric and the Vampire King and the Vampire Queen find the Magister (THE MAGISTER!) in the basement of Fangtasia, threatening to put sterling silver earrings through Pam’s eyelids. AGAIN: huh? If the Magister is supposed to be the arbiter of sacred vampire law, fine, but at what point does grotesque, sadistic torture fit in? “By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you SAW IV!” Nonsense. Anyway, him and the king get in some kind of fight about vampire politics or whatever. Can I please go sit at the kids’ table. Kids aren’t allowed to watch this show, right? The king says that he doesn’t recognize the Magister’s laws, and the Magister is like, please recognize them? And the king is like “chain you to a table.” And the Magister officiates their basement wedding? I don’t know. It’s very confusing and dumb. Then the king cuts off the Magister’s head. I think it’s supposed to be a big deal? But since I’m not a vampire myself, nor do I have any real understanding of vampire laws or politics, I have no idea. Maybe cutting off another vampire’s head after he officiates your sham-wedding in the torture basement of a vampire leather bar is just an affectation. Like, how in Switzerland people kiss each other THREE times on the cheek as a greeting. Bye, Magister!