Piers Morgan, the Simon Cowell of America’s Got Talent, is set to replace Larry King on his CNN talk show. Cool? I actually watched a few minutes of America’s Got Talent last night for some reason. What is that show? There were two baby children break-dancing and afterwards Howie Mandel (sure) told them that it was too bad they weren’t grown men, because they could have any woman they wanted. EXCUSE ME, WHAT? Then Sharon Osbourne (again: sure) asked them if they were dating. No, Sharon Osbourne, they aren’t dating. They are five and ten years old, and also Howie Mandel already covered this territory. What is wrong with these perverts? Then there was a 900 year old woman who “hand-whistled” (whatever THAT means) the song “Hero,” and I mean, don’t get me wrong, we should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy AND earns us a spot on a reality TV show that looks like it was ripped off a VHS tape of some old Czech Republic Government Run Network Programming. But afterwards everyone had to tiptoe around the fact that no one even knows what “hand-whistling” IS, but at the same time saying things like “I think you’re going to make hand-whistling huge in America.” So it’s a show about perverts and liars? Again, Howie Mandel (haha, sure) was like “I believe there is a place in entertainment for the offbeat and unusual.” I guess? And that place is “alone in the basement,” right? What is this 10,000 B.C. hand-whistler going to record an album? Give me a break. Piers Morgan didn’t actually say much. I think he told the break-dancing children that they were “mellifluous” or some British shit like that. Whatever. I did not watch Larry King Live and I will almost certainly not watch Larry King Live 2: Piers Morgan Drift. Of course, in England, Larry King Live is called Larry King Lav. (Gotcha!)

Comments (36)
  1. does he need an ed macmahon? she sure hopes so…

  2. These two know what Howie was talking about:

  3. But if Piers Morgan is replacing Larry King, who’s going to replace Piers Morgan on America’s Got Talent? I vote for Mel Gibson, just because that’s sure to get the show cancelled so we can put something more worthwhile on in its place. Law And Order: Minor Citation Unit, perhaps.

  4. Maybe Piers Morgan can follow suit and hang onto this job 30 years past when he should have retired, too

  5. Judging from the above photo, Piers Morgan is full of confidence.

  6. Ugh, I hate Piers Morgan. Now I’ll never watch a show I never watched before he was the host.

  7. Is this what Piers won on Celebrity Apprentice for putting up with Stephen Baldwin?

  8. He should take a long walk off a short…himself…

  9. “The rebellious states defeated the British Empire in the American Revolution, the first successful colonial war of independence.”

    Nope, sorry Wikipedia.

  10. I actually kind of have a huge crush on this man, so I will most likely watch this. :(

  11. Anyway you guys, my wife’s name is Lauri. Anyone know what they would call her in England?

  12. Ol’ Hand Whistlin’ Sally just wanted an excuse to say “lubricate my hands” on live TV.

  13. Psyched to hear him act in Shrek: 5nal Destination!

  14. Yes, but what kind of suspenders is he going to wear?

  15. In England, we call smug, condescending, rat-faced, filthy, boorish bullies “Piers Moron” (or at the very least, Private Eye do).

  16. I don’t know anything about Piers Morgan (cool name!) but if the British soccer announcers are any indication, he will use the word “velvet” a lot

  17. Umm…Lorry King Live, obvs.

  18. I guess Larry King Live is going to become less of an talk show and more of a berating-sad-people-for-being-untalented show. How fun. How yuck.

  19. They should have had Mel Gibson be Larry King’s replacement. He could have the BP execs on, scream at them about not fixing the oil spill and then demand blow jobs from every guest before burning down their house! Perfect!

  20. Goddamn it England I thought we had a deal. WE TOOK SIMON COWELL OFF YOUR HANDS. How about Jeremy Clarkson? We’ll take Jeremy Clarkson even, he’ll be in good company with all the other climate-change-denying, automobile-worshipping, boorish twats we’ve got. Just come on and repossess Piers Morgan, already.

  21. On a BBC Radio 4 show, they had smart celebrities playing some panel game where you had to come up with alternative meanings for words.

    Stephen Fry had “countryside”, and put the new meaning to be “the killing of Piers Morgan”.

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