There was an article in the New York Times yesterday about how Wall Street is going through a hiring boom and doling out massive bonuses in anticipation of a robust recovery of the financial industry. This is, of course, disgusting insofar as they are the ones who precipitated our current economic crisis and the near total collapse of the global economy into anarchic darkness. So fuck them. Similarly, Hollywood is clearly having one of the worst summers in memory, with weekend after weekend seeing dismal garbage slinking into theaters, and yet, rather than apologize and learn from its mistakes, Hollywood is going full retard. Literally. From the HollywoodReporter:

Paramount Pictures has pre-emptively snatched up an original pitch from rookie screenwriters Willie Block and Jake Emanuel. The high-concept action-adventure story mixes original ideas with the framework of the traditional Hunchback of Notre Dame story. Though said to be in the vein of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies, its plotline is being kept secret by producers Lorenzo di Bonaventura and Mark Vahradian of Di Bonaventura Pictures, where the concept was originally hatched.

Ugh. The framework of the Hunchback of Notre Dame (whatever THAT means) but with the spirit of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies? Cool. So, like, what, more roller-blades? Excuse me. I know that Roller-Blades is a trademarked brand name, and obviously the rights would not be cleared this early in the development process. More IN-LINE SKATES? This is such a terrible idea that it kind of makes me angry! As in the human emotion of anger! I wish I had a grave to roll over in. Scoot, Victor Hugo. I said scoot! Ow, you’re rolling on my noose.

Comments (46)
  1. I haven’t seen an idea this bad since Daniel Carson Lewis decided to go target shooting, okay?

  2. This movie will be filled with faux-hawks and goatees, from the looks of these two.

  3. I seek SANCTUARY from this movie. HI-O!

  4. Fingers crossed for some Jason Alexander as a talking gargoyle!

  5. And Esmerelda will play Fergie, and there will be a cameo by the Black Eyed Peas as her backing gypsy band and at some point we’ll find her an excuse to sing “My Humps.”

    I can do this. I can make this movie.

  6. I know casting is premature but

    Quasimodo- Jason Statham
    Esmerelda- Megan Fox
    Frollo- John Malkovich
    Phoebus- Patrick WIlson?

  7. How’s this for a high concept pitch: Transformers but without any CGI?

  8. More like the Hunchback of Notre LAME!!!!! RIGHT????

    No but seriously, I bet this will be a bad movie.

    • I read that as lamé. Literally no reason to read it that way but the heart wants what it wants. (My heart only wants terrible American Apparel leggings I guess!)

  9. ?uasimodo

  10. I am wondering if the scriptwriter has actually read the traditional Hunchback of Notre Dame story.

  11. I don’t really care what kind of garbage Hollywood comes up with. Just as long as they don’t fuck up Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World for me, I’m satisfied.

  12. Lorenzo di Bonaventura: Great Producer or GREATEST producer?

    Whoops. I mean, great at producing the worst.

  13. I liked it the second time already……..wheeeen it was called Big Man on Campus

  14. So you just combine two completely random stories that share next to nothing in common, and you can call it “original”? Okay. I’ve got a shit ton of original pitches for you, Paramount:

    -The framework of Deliverance with the spirit of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
    -The framework of Finding Nemo with the spirit of Eraserhead
    -The framework of Annie Hall with the spirit of Dog the Bounty Hunter
    -The framework of The Unbearable Lightness of being with the spirit of The Berenstein Bears
    -The framework of This Ain’t Curb Your Enthusiasm XXX with the Spirit of Spongebob Squarepants

    You’re welcome.

  15. So apparently Lorenzo di Bonaventura has another “film” in the works right now called the The Further Adventures of Doc Holliday, a film that he describes as “a history-based action adventure tale in the vein of Pirates of the Caribbean.” Which leads me to the overwhelming question, “What is this guy’s deal with Pirates of the Caribbean?”

  16. ‘I’m sorry. They threw a bag of money at me. I’m not made of stone.’

  17. Here is my mock up of how the movie will go

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.