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After a two week hiatus, we are back. Are you sure, True Blood? You look tired! Take the rest of the year off. Oh well. So: Vampire Bill calls Sookie on the phone. (Do Vampires have roll-over minutes? NEVERMIND, DON’T CARE.) He tells her that he doesn’t love her anymore, and that he is having vampire sex with vampire loraine (or whatever her name is, YOU google it) and that he doesn’t ever want to see Sookie again and not to come looking for him. Sookie tearfully explains to the WEREWOLF that she knows something is wrong with Bill. The last time that she saw him, he proposed marriage to her, and now he is saying that he doesn’t love her? It just doesn’t add up, says Sookie. Maybe she has a point. Then again, maybe Bill is a mythological creature that doesn’t exist, so it’s not that weird that his make-believe behavior might be erratic. Of course, we know that Bill is just telling Sookie that to protect her from the King of Mississippi, or whatever. OR IS HE?! No, he is. OR IS HE?!
More toilet paper?
So, Sookie ignores what Bill said completely and decides to continue looking for him. Which basically just means going back to the same werewolf bar again and hanging around until someone almost rapes her? She is a terrible detective. The werewolf’s sister comes over to help her get in werewolf…girlfriend…disguise? The important thing is that this show FINALLY introduced a new character. After years of satisfying itself with the same 300 people, we get some fresh faces around here. She gives Sookie a hilarious make-over.
And now she is ready…to go to a werewolf bar…and stand around. Sherlock D’ohlmes over here.
Meanwhile, Vampire Bill finally gives the King of Mississippi (oh good GRIEF) the information he wants: that Eric is selling vampire blood (a very powerful and illegal drug, you will remember) on behalf of the Queen of Louisiana. Bill threw Eric under the bus! In return for this information, Bill wants the King of Mississippi (ENOUGH OF THIS) to kill Loretta. The King is like, “killing vampires is bad or something,” and Bill is like “not if you don’t vampire tell anybody.” And the King is like, “touche.” Haha. Really? Bill has thought of all the angles, apparently. So Bill just invented vampire lying? This guy knows what Bill’s talking about:
Sam is a high school guidance counselor now?
The story of Sam meeting his family is really interesting and cool. My only wish is that it had a more prominent place in the show. But if that’s not going to happen, then at least they can stretch it out really long and just give us a little glimpse of these fascinating and exciting characters each week. This is one plotline I hope NEVER gets resolved. IT’S JUST TOO MUCH FUN!
That creepy vampire is being a creep with Tara. What does he want with Bill and Sookie? The more important question, he says, is what he wants with Tara. THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION. I’m a human being who has only been alive for a short time (62 years) and I find her entirely unbearable. It’s hard to believe that an immortal monster (an immortal monster from LONDON no less) can handle being around her. How about you do us all a solid and kill her.
Instead, he ties her to the toilet, and then also puts her phone right next to her on the lip of the sink? Weird. She almost gets the phone, but then it falls into the sink, but the real question is why was it there in the first place? “Hold on, I’ve almost got the last of these knots tightened. Don’t want you to get away hahahahha. Now let me just take the time to gently place your phone on the narrow edge of this sink, very close to you. That makes sense for me to do. Whoops! It fell. Hold on. Whoops! It fell again. It’s very hard to balance this phone, but I’m definitely going to do it.” You’d think for someone who had all of eternity stretching out before him that he could take an extra second and think this stuff through.
Anyway, later he gives her some flowers and also takes her to the King of Mississippi’s house. Don’t you think killing her would just be easier? You should seriously consider just killing her.
Jason Stackhouse cop blah blah blah. Vampire Jessica waitress blah blah blah. Pregnant.
At the werewolf bar, the whole thing turns into an Aerosmith concert 20 years ago.
The King of Mississippi shows up and gives all the werewolves some Nazi Vampire Blood shooters. Alcide (normal werewolf name, like the Jack of werewolf names probably) is like “he’s a local antiques dealer.” HAHAHAHAHA. Cool cover story. The Vampire King of Mississippi (ARGHHHH EVERY TIME I TYPE THIS I WANT TO CUT MY HANDS OFF) was like, “Sure, I’m a Nazi Vampire who leads a gang of Nazi Werewolves and dresses like some kind of Leisure Suit Larry, and I’m currently in some kind of Royal Vampire Power Struggle with another Queen Vampire and nothing makes sense and this is retarded, but the important thing is to have a BELIEVABLE COVER STORY IN CASE ANYONE ASKS.”
Person: Excuse me, but you wouldn’t happen to be the Vampire King of Mississippi and the leader of the Nazi Werewolves, would you?
Vampire King of Mississippi: Who, me? No, I’m just a local antiques dealer.
Person: How embarrassing! My mistake. Please excuse me.
Vampire King of Mississippi: No problem. Louis XIV chair?
Then everyone turns into werewolves and Sookie runs away.
Finally, the Vampire Magister (YOU KNOW) shows up at Eric’s vampire bar (FANGTASIA, REMEMBER?) and searches the place for evidence of his vampire blood cartel. He ties Pam up in the basement and tortures her. The Vampire Magister explains that the only thing worse than selling vampire blood is saying mean things about the Vampire Queen of Louisiana. So Eric throws Bill under the bus. Fair enough. TWO BUS PALS. The Vampire Magister gives him two days to gather his evidence against Bill. Otherwise…he is going to kill Pam? That hardly makes sense. I’m no VAMPIRE LAWYER, but at the very least she deserves a VAMPIRE JUNK YARD TRUCK-BED TRIAL. I rest my case.
Next week: Tara is a vampire bride? Someone seriously needs to drive a stake through the heart of whoever had the idea of keeping Tara around for ALL OF ETERNITY.
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The True King of Mississippi.
Well, Memphis IS the biggest city in Mississippi.
“Oh that Boy Makes My Ass Itch”
-What you’d expect the father of a dog-man to say
http://tinypic.com/?ref=154j3te
IN THE FACE!!! I hate that bitch.
i have been waiting for this gif since last night. THANK YOU!!!
Next time I break up with someone I’m going to make sure I mention that I’m with someone else and we have sex in a way that only vampires can. I win the breakup contest!!
Somehow this would look more realistic in reverse.
Gabe, pretending not to know Lorena’s name is no way to prove that you hate the show. I think you might love the show.
My husband thinks Tara is hot, and he thinks Made-Over-Werewolf-Girlfriend Sookie is hot. So I am starting to wonder what that says about me.
alcide (?) and sookie are made for each other with all the blurting out of dumb shit…
alcide when he is told something shocking: “shut the fucking door!”
sookie: everything she ever says…
Gabe, thank you for recapping these episodes, as my recent loss of cable programming has left a huge shortfall in my LOLk.
I missed the Nazis. When was he a Nazi?
Here’s a gif of the Nazi Flashback:
Ooooooh yeah. I think I purged that from my brain as soon as I saw it!
After the first episode this season I gave up watching this show, you’re a brave man for sticking with it Gabe, I find myself much more entertained by these recaps than by the actual show.
This show is becoming more and more like a story line on Monday Night Raw… I wouldn’t be surprised if this season ends with a build up to Wrestlmania.
Oh, yeah. I just heard Buzz Aldrin will be making a special guest appearance on this year’s season finale. So I think you are headed in the right direction with your assumption.
Buzz Aldrin. BUZZ ALDRIN? No, really? YOU ARE KIDDING. Buzz Aldrin really has NOTHING to do now!
SPOILER ALERT: I was kidding.
I loved the bonus content at the end blaming the mortgage crisis on vampires.
When Lafayette said something to the effect of, “I cannot deal with all of this crazy ass shit” I realized that he is this show’s Hurley… He speaks for the audience.
Clearly Gabe has quite a bit of anger pent up. Supposing there was no True Blood, how might it manifest itself? I think we should consider ourselves quite lucky for the release valve that is this show. Also, it was pretty cool of them not to make us see Sam’s dad in his underwear this week.
I do hate this show, but I was really sad when I realized that the Eric/Sookie hook up was just a dream. We need more of that.
“I don’t have testicles” – Sookie Stackhouse, D’oh Aficionado reporter
When are they going to cast Mel Gibson as a racist for Lafayette to beat the shit out of?
It’s so racist of you to hate that completely unbearable character who just happens to be black. You are the Mel Gibson of the internet.
No mention of “Kitzsch Meynard”? Or whatever Jason Stackhouse Jr.’s name is.
I used to try to explain this show to my husband when he would miss episodes or watch them late. Now when he asks me what the hell is going on I just shrug.
Okay, I love True Blood but this was the most boring episode yet.
I wish you would quit bashing True Blood, Gabe. This has been the best season yet, mostly because I stopped watching after season 2. Woof.
I know that no one cares about the Emmy’s (although you all secretly do), why was this show nominated for best outstanding drama?
vampire’s are the new group running hollywood, sorry jewish peoples! looks like youll need a new sterotype! also countdown to mel gibson making anti vampire remarks countdown starts now!
True Blood: YOU GET EVERYTHING!
Community: NO NOMINATIONS!
I am feeling sorry for Tara now, guys; Arlene is way out in front of The Race for The Worst. Call it Bon Temps Syndrome, but I’m over her lousy accent, and now it’s all sympathy for poor Tara’s constant abuse at the hands of supernatural sociopaths.
Also, look at Jessica using her vampire powers correctly, on her own initiative! Good job, Jessica, you’re vampire toddler who can walk on her own now.
I adore Jessica. Always have. She and Eric (maybe Lafayette too) are the only reasons I still watch this godawful show.
May I remind you of the adorable puppy who is Jason Stackhouse? He tries so hard to be good!
All the ladies of HR huddle outside my office to talk about last night’s TV every week. Usually, it is Biggest Loser, Bachelorette and The Hills. This morning I heard them talking about True Blood and I got super excited so I came out of my cave to talk with them. Then I learned the horrible truth. They love the show UNIRONICALLY. I smiled, grabbed a piece of candy from the secretary’s desk and went back to work.
What kind of candy did you get? (The only part of your comment I have any interest in what so ever)
I was reading some hilarious parody letter from a husband to Eric Northman and the commenters, I kid you not, were all like, “I’m 64 but I would still go down to Eric’s sex chamber! He is just too much man!” or “I haven’t been this excited about a character in sixty years!” If I did have a crush on Eric, I think I’d take that as a cue to enter a convent right now and also remove my brain. Fortunately I find it impossible to have a crush on anybody at all in this show (and I get a lot of celebrity/fictional-person crushes, because I’m mega-sad).
Also: was that blood-in-tumblers thing supposed to be a Christ metaphor?! Or is my Catholicism showing?!
I accidentally watched the “post-mortem” after the episode that tried to reveal the backstory for the Vampire Kings and Vampire Queens through some sort of found surveillance video of a Vampire Informant “coming in from the cold” or whatever they say in spy movies. Not recommended. Not at all.
Just hand this show over to Eric and his crew. The rest are sooooo boring and dumb.
So this was the first episode that I actually watched after reading these recaps since the beginning of time. I hate vampires but love videogum and friends, so I was excited just to see if this show was as bad as described. And it was.
But I couldn’t get over when they just straight up ate that stripper in the limo. Does this happen all the time?? My friend said that the King sent Bill in because he thought Bill was good at picking out a good one. WHAT?! It’s not like he’s BUYING A MELON. “Ladies first.” GROSS!!!
I dunno, I kinda like this season so far. It’s very Alan Ball and true to the books (which explains why there are 500 characters). It’s a bit of trash not to be taken too seriously…
Also clicks to them for picking a hot Alcide.
And Pam is the best.