Supposedly, this is the music video for Maroon 5′s new (awful) song, “Misery,” but I think it is a documentary about THINGS YOU WISH WOULD HAPPEN FOR REAL.

I’m just kidding. I do not actually wish any personal injury upon Mr. Maroon. If I was walking down the street and someone pointed a bazooka at him I would be like, “Surely that’s a bit much!” But this band really is terrible at their jobs. It’s like a band made entirely out of Daniel Powters, except at least Daniel Powter had the courtesy to DISAPPEAR. (SIDENOTE: you guys, I’m worried about Daniel Powter. Has anyone checked on Daniel Powter recently?) What a terrible band. I can’t believe they are your favorite band and the only thing that you have on your Zune. I can’t believe you wish you could marry all of them.

Comments (56)
  1. “She’s pretty,” said the borderline plagiarist commenter.

  2. Part of me wants to watch this video so I can make a clever comment, but that part just lost out the the part that doesn’t want to hear a terrible song.

  3. It’s called ‘Misery” and it features Adam LeVine? I feel robbed that I saw that video instead of this:

  4. i feel a little sick watching this knowing that they think this is a great video. if the roles were reversed, if it was with a guy beating up a girl, no one would have made this (or even pitched it). icky.

    • also, i don’t want to marry the band because my husband is the guy who wrote and storyboarded this video. and i love him.

  5. “Women suck.” -Maroon 5

  6. I’ve never even heard of Maroon 5. I won’t play this video. Cock a doodle doo good day to you! (can anyone tell me what that line is from?)

  7. When I was in high school, I had these dreams about wearing denim skirts with concho belts. And I knew I was on to the next big thing.

    Then Denise Huxtable ruined my fame and fortune.

    This is my dreams being ruined all over again.

    (Not really. I just dream that Maroon 5 will stop recording.)

  8. Why is he trying to rape that lady? This video is not fun to watch, even with the sound off

  9. I think we can all agree that this post is really mean to us, Gabe. Our lives are hard enough.

  10. According to Daniel Powter’s wikipedia page, “On January 1, 2010, he performed ‘O Canada’ at the NHL Winter Classic.”

    Consider him checked on.

  11. I can understand how someone in their 80s doesn’t get Maroon 5 and how they express my soul, and how dreamy Adam is

  12. This is why I live in the country. The city is just too rough.

  13. “Thanks for asking, Senator. Yes I do think that new Maroon 5 song is fucking terrible” – Elena Kagan, amid polite laughter

  14. The video for Chester French’s “She Loves Everybody” did this theme much better, and it was a decent song.

    I have actually been sitting here for longer than I care to admit trying to think of who could possibly be the target demographic for Maroon 5. Seriously who listens to them? Does anyone even know anyone who would listen to them on purpose? What kind of people are at their concerts? There was a time when I couldn’t go into a convenience store without hearing either “This Love” by Maroon 5 or “How Far Is Heaven” by Los Lonely Boys and yet nobody I knew would admit to supporting either of those bands. Even the people that I know who suck.

  15. Restricted from watching “Check It Out! With Dr. Steve Brule” because I live in Canada = ARGH

    Restricted from watching new Maroon 5 video because I live in Canada = WOOT WOOT

  16. What is a Zune?

    (This isn’t a joke question. Really, what’s a Zune? My Google’s on the fritz).

  17. More like Maroon 5 years ago, amiright?

  18. Thanks for the preview of Grand Theft Auto: Tom Ford Edition.

  19. Also, I tried to watch this, but the opening “oh yeah-eh” thing made me go into a coniption and I’m still trying to recover my superior temporal lobe.

  20. ugh i wish he were bruiseder and bloodier.

    • yeah this was a disappointment, since the rest of the band dies and adam levine doesn’t get a single scratch, and gets to make out with this model who seemingly has no butt crack. and also when will he get that bubble out of his throat?

  21. This isn’t as good as the video of the lead singer of Nickelback getting hit in the head with a rock. That video is what I use to cheer myself up.

  22. If you require a palate cleanser after watching that, I suggest this video from Cute Overload:
    (SPOILER ALERT: It is a baby laughing at a dog)

  23. we need these guys to just give up and start doing tampon ads

  24. Is this a fetish video?

    This is probably a (sadomasochist-and-auditory-rape) fetish video.

  25. Here we go:
    Once I was at a karaoke bar and this guy came in and basically shoved his way to the front and grabbed the mic and started singing Michael Jackson. All these people were taking pictures with their phones and whatnot and I was thinking, oh he is going on the youtubes for being a jerk, for sure. This guy next to me was like “OMG DON’T YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?? IZ THE GUY FROM MAROON 5!” He sang one song and then he dropped the mic on the floor and left.

  26. so maroon 5 puts me in a tight spot. my 64 year old mother really enjoys them and uses liking them as a way to ‘relate’ to me. i love my mother and dont want to point out how bad the last band shes mentioned enjoying since the eagles is (told to my dad on their third date, she doesnt listen to a lot of music).

    i hope this doesnt get downvoted, its a real problem that needs real solutions

    • I understand. My mom loves Two and a Half Men and thinks that just because she remembers me liking Hot Shots that I too must love Two and a Half Men since Charlie Sheen is in both (air-tight logic, Mom).

  27. Yikes!

    This is always an unpopular opinion, but I really really liked (and still like) Maroon 5′s first album. I might like their other(s), except I haven’t heard them. But the lead singer–despite looking like an anemic asshole–is really good at singing, and the album has real variety. The music has strong Funk, R&B and Jazz influences, and each song is pretty catchy.

    Anyway, stop beating up Maroon 5? I don’t know. I guess it’s okay.

  28. also, why is he dressed like danny zuko?

  29. Curse you for posting this so so much. I listened to it and now my ears think it’s catchy, no matter what my brain tells them.

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