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The contestants are shaken, SHAKEN after last week’s harrowing elimination ceremony. Relax, contestants. Seriously, there are, like, a million weeks left to go. So many challenges. So many eliminations. We are just getting started. Hush now. Amanda has to brush her teeth to just TAKE HER MIND OFF OF THINGS. Kenny hates Angelo so much that he reads a letter from home. Angelo hates Kenny so much that he has to go sit in, like, this dirt patch in the backyard? In between a couple loose strands of flowers? He says that Kenny did not stand behind his team and that it has put “a damper on [his] mind.” Don’t know what that means. Perhaps it is an old Monte Carlo expression. Also, maybe the person who piped steaming hot peanut butter into a stalk of celery and then acted MAD CAGEY (whoa, who is writing this recap, Ryan Phillipe?) when questioned about whether or not he would have done the same thing if he didn’t have immunity shouldn’t be so quick to complain that other people weren’t standing behind the team. It’s like the old expression goes: “there’s no steaming-hot-peanut-butter-piped-into-celery-stalks-in-team.” It means we are all in this together, so please stop piping that steaming hot peanut butter into those celery sticks, it’s ridiculous! Meanwhile, Arnold believes that it is now game on and it is time to get serious, and he pops his collar says something fierce to show he means it.
This week’s Quickfire is “make a pie.” And this week’s guest judge is a Hot Topic window display.
Johnny Iuzzini (BOOKMARKED!) is the head pastry chef at Jean Georges, which is a very good restaurant, and he and Gail Simmons are the new hosts and head judges on an upcoming show, Top Chef: Just Desserts. That is a very impressive resume for someone who still wears a chain wallet and calls himself by a little boy’s name. (Seriously, Johnny, you are 35 years old. You are John now.) Anyway, the Quickfire challenge, as I have mentioned, is “make a pie.” What is the catch? The catch is that the pie has to be edible, which it turns out is actually kind of a tough TWIST for some of the chefs. Poor Stephen interviews that he is discouraged about this challenge because two chefs have gone home for making dessert. Sure, except that no one is going home during this Quickfire. And also, BUCK THE FUCK UP, STEPHEN. As a quick reminder because there are still so many contestants, this is Stephen:
So, people make pies. Well, mostly people make complaints ABOUT pies. Everyone explains that they don’t make pies. “I never make pies,” says someone. “I’m not really a Pie Chef,” says another. That’s not even a thing, Pie Chef. Mainly, everyone is trying to set the bar really low on their garbage pie. But at the same time, trying to get extra credit for even making a pie in the first place? “It’s complicated” — Facebook. I mean, you can set the bar low, or you can try and get everyone to think you are a hero for doing the assignment, but it is too thin of a line to try and play both. Not that Amanda doesn’t try very hard. Anyway, some of these pies are just nightmare pies.
What’s that? Don’t get me wrong, I WOULD STILL EAT THAT. But come on. That looks like a plate of jam and nuts.
The judges taste the pies and just RIP into the contestants. It’s kind of amazing. Everyone gets shit on. That will teach them to make pies as a requirement for a nonsense reality show! Unsurprisingly, Tracey’s pie-flavored Soup Bowl is on the bottom. She doesn’t like being on the bottom because “it feels like getting called out for something that’s embarrassing. Like living in a trailer park.” Someone needs to loosen their bandana. Alex is also on the bottom with his chevre quiche, which was a chevre quiche, not a pie, and also Ed, who made celery foam (excuse me, celery SPUMA) to put on his banana cream pie for whatever the fuck reason. Ed seems like a talented enough chef, but he talks a big game for someone who has yet to win any of the challenges. At the very least, he should probably wipe this look off his face.
Kelly and Kenny are the two best pies, but Kenny wins. IN YOUR FACE, KELLY. “When you open your own restaurant at 28 with your husband, you learn how to do every job pretty quickly, including the job of NOT WINNING.” Boom! She is just such a jerk. I don’t like her. She should pack her knives and go to jail.
For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs will be preparing a summer picnic for Capitol Hill Interns (always with the Capitol Hill Interns). Everyone must prepare one main dish and two sides. They will be serving their food at George Washington’s Mount Vernon Estate, and when Padma announces this, an audible gasp runs through the room. Looks like we’ve got some real history buffs this season! “I have always wanted to serve re-heated barbecue ribs on the same grounds where George Washington berated his slaves.” Arnold interviews that he is not a grill guy because it will clog the pores way too fast. I know something that will clog your pores faster, Arnold.
Just so there is no confusion: that is a cement truck covering Arnold in cement as he is dropped into the middle of the ocean. By an Eagle.
So, shop shop shop. Cook cook cook. Alex and Amanda get in a fight about an oven. She says her name was on it. He says she’s a bitch. WILL NO ONE REST THEIR CASE? Amanda explains to Chef Tom that these are Prison Rules. Huh? It’s not funny or clever to just say “prison rules” if no one understands what you are talking about, including yourself. Tom is like “Prison Rules”? And Amanda is like “Yeah, I don’t know.” Enough, Amanda. You remind me far too much of Leah from season 5. I look at you and all I see are cheating thumbheads.
Out at the historic and exciting George Washington Mount Vernon Estate, some people do not even know how to light their grills. Oh come on. That cannot possibly be true. Tracey at one point shouts out to everyone, without any trace of embarrassment, “how do you turn this thing down?” That has to be a joke. I mean, let’s be honest, Tracey knows her way around a hamburger. If left to her own devices, something tells me she would know her way around ALL the hamburgers. “Sorry, everyone, there are no hamburgers left. Anywhere. On the planet.” A bird poops. Jonathan Waxman. Food. Alex says of his dish, “I would eat the ass out of this pig all day.” Gross.
The winning dishes are Ed’s spiced tuna loin with lentil hummus, Angelo’s Vietnamese lettuce wrap and smoked egg salad, Amanda’s dry-rub baby back ribs and grilled asparagus with bacon hazelnut vinaigrette, and Arnold’s sesame lamb meatball with tabouli salad and gazpacho. During the preparation, Ed explained that he has done more than his father ever dreamed of because his dad was just some stupid executive chef, and his dad told him years ago that he had already surpassed him. The end. End of quote. What’s wrong, Ed, no FUCK YOU in there? You sure you don’t want to take this opportunity to tell your dad to go suck his own dick or something? Arnold wins.
In the annoying 30-second non-sequitur clip to pump the episodes full of more advertisements, Tracey explains that she is clairvoyant. I WONDER IF SHE SEES WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN NEXT!
The losing dishes are Tracey’s Italian sausage slider with tomato, cucumber, and onion salad, Tim’s pork two ways with grilled vegetables, Kevin’s grilled marinated flank steak, rice and beans, and tomato & avocado salad, and Stephen’s bacon-wrapped sea bass, ratatouille, and olive pine nut couscous. When they go back to the stew room to stew, Stephen says “they thought it was unrealistic that someone would wrap a piece of fish in bacon, like, do that at a picnic. It’s like, dude, it’s a picnic, hello?” Oh Stephen. Sometimes you pull the football out from under your own foot! Also, didn’t everyone need to make two side dishes but clearly some people only made one side dishes? Forget it, Gabe, it’s Arbitrary Rules Show Town.
Tracey goes home. I mean, yes. Everyone definitely deserved to go home, but she was voted one of the 25 Most Deserving to Go Home in Atlanta. Man, there is still so much chaff to remove from the wheat. If there even is any wheat!
Goodbye, Tracey! You may not have won Top Chef, but you were definitely Top Bandana.
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Oooo, and it’s marmalade! Yum!
mmmmm….ginger-cat-pie
Top Chef is awesome, but can we side track a bit and talk about the show that follows it: Work of Art? Because last night a guy drew a picture of a cartoon fellating himself, someone drew a mickey mouse head made of dicks, and this happened:
Top Art was great last night. Andres Serrano was really funny and cool. He reminded me of David Lynch. I agreed with Serrano that Nao’s was shocking. “I am shocked that you have no idea what you are doing, yet somehow you are on my television.”
Lesson: it is pretty hard to actually make art that is shocking and good, both becuase good art is hard and also because it is hard to shock people. Sex, blood and religion without some greater idea, just aren’t enough.
None of those pieces were shocking in the least. Specifically the top two: Abdi’s piece, while a bit thought provoking once you hear his entire long story about the meaning, was not shocking. They were candles. And that chick with the comically-large-for-her-body-type fake boobs needs to just stop. She even said at one point something to the effect of, “If the judges don’t like this I might need to reconsider the direction of my art as a whole.” Yes, do that please. No one wants to see your gross nakedness anymore.
She is not pretty – You Know Who
agreed. they were way more “thought provoking” or “social message” than actual shock.
also, totally picked up on the david lynch vibe.
But I do like the fact that Abdi won in the face of all the arrogant hipsters who condescendingly tried to explain to him the deep artistic subtleties and poignancy of jerking off on your drawing, pissing on a photograph, or spilling your own blood in a jar.
I’m just surprised no one decided to sit on a chair and eat their own boogers, because apparently shocking in their art world means; how to gross out a 10 year old.
She also completely stole the best thing about her art then didn’t even give credit to the person who gave her the idea when asked. If I was Eric I would have wrote “thief slore” on her photographs.
Ugh, Nao. I bet all the money in my 401K ($173, y’all!) her real name is Naomi and she changed it to Nao to seem more interesting.
I know Nao from the art-scene in SF, back in the day. Keep in mind she’s a performance artist. Performance is key.
Don’t forget about the dude who jerked off onto his Mickey Mouse made of anuses.
Also, I tweeted some off the cuff remark about the fatty being terrible and Mark, the Photoshopper, responded to me asking about which fatty I was referring to. Nice to know the cast of the show is sitting at home monitoring the #WorkoFart and #NoFattiesPlease tags on Twitter.
I thought that Mr. Photoshop’s peice was actually the best last night.
Agreed, still not shocking though. Just soul crushing.
saying it looked like a motley crue album cover was pretty apt, though. it was a great idea and certainly a strong image, but he went too literal with the text on it.
where were the used condoms? if i had that assignment i would’ve sat around doing nothing all day, and then used the last 5-10 minutes in the bathroom and walked into the gallery and stapled a used condom to the wall.
host panel: “what do you intend to say with this piece”
me: “fuck you, that’s what.”
boom, immunity.
i just found out that show was on the air last week and went “that has to be AWFUL.” then as I patiently waited for my laundry to finish, i decided to press on into this gaping cave of pretention and watch the show. ‘hey andres serrano is on it…’
gotta say. that was pure hilarity. nothing makes people think they’re so smart like “art” and nothing makes artists think they’re so smart like creating “shocking” art….glad to see others comment on this b/c it is ripe for a videogum ripping.
favorite part: seeing the “performance artist” [pictured above] standing in the line up in that outfit while everyone else is in street clothes. “just keep telling yourself: ‘i belong here, i belong here…’
Miles just need to take a 5-year-long nap. He always looks like he’s about to pass out in the talking head segments.
And what was with that one dude being obsessed with whether he had enough fake cum on his face?
I like art to at least be honest and there is nothing honest about fake cum. How would people have reacted if there wasn’t actual shit in those cans or genuine honest piss on that christ, they wouldn’t have given a crap. If he doesn’t have the balls to cum on his own face well then I think he is in the wrong business.
Anyway, I’m off to wash my mouth out with soapy water. It’s a performance I’m doing.
And yet China Chow still manages to be the most ridiculously dressed person in the room.
Miles is just the best. The fact that Ursula gave him his first erection and not Ariel tells you everything. I also like that everyone keeps misspelling everything. Reality TV Artists! They are just like me!
I constantly comment that Miles looks like he’s high during every interview. Then it makes me wonder if Bravo’s production staff had a pot/mescaline dealer on retainer for the show.
That would not only explain a lot, it would explain EVERYTHING.
So far 75% of Miles’ work on the show has involved anuses.
And he is my favorite.
Team Miles all the way. that damn charming obnoxious talented hipster. He also looks like if James Dean made a baby with Will Sheff.
China Chow: “Isn’t that penis too long?”
And now we know why Keanu is so sad.
can we all agree poor John? his was still better than stupid thumbblood girl.
For an episode that featured a good amount of Gail Simmons, there was an unfortunate lack of Gail Simmons cleavage.
since top chef is essentially the most important part of my week (go hard!) i have so much to say, however, the most pressing development is inside of me!
i’ve watched all twenty seasons of this show, seen literally millions of chefs eliminated, and never once, even in pre-padma days, have i ever even glanced at gail simmons of food and wine magazine. then she said she like vodka. and all of the sudden, after two decades of top chef, i am like, who is that sorta-pretty woman who works for food and wine magazine?
last night i made a personal account of every time i wanted to hug her. it was like, six times. thats all i want. what i’m saying is, i want to give a long hug to gail simmons of food and wine magazine.
this all hinges on whether or not she says ‘spuma’ again.
I think the reason Gail Simmons (of Food and Wine magazine) is often overlooked is because this pretty lady has to stand next to the Unbelievably Tall and Shockingly Beautiful Padma. Not fair.
Perhaps on “Just Desserts” she will finally get to shine! That show sounds awful. I’ll watch it.
from a purely culinary stand point, i feel i should point out (that padma had on a low-cut yellow dress on, and because it was a hot day, she was perspiring beautifully) scallop confit.
My girl-crush on Gail Simmons is quite alarming. Gail forever!
Remember last week when she went up to get her “school lunch” and she said “Chocolate milk, please?” That was the best. And then she looked at the camera and said “Guided by Vodka, I am leaving my husband for you!” and I thought that was weird, because like why was she calling me by my Videogum commenter name, but still, here I come Gail!
Remember?
And for Gail, vodka.
what, nothing about Amanda’s (leah2′s) cocaine and pill addiction?! I thought that had Gabe’s name all over it!
She spent her “mid-twenties” addicted to the cocaine and pills and whatever she can get? She is 27! Does that mean she got clean yesterday?
I thought she said she had a “cooking” problem!
Oh shit. I forgot about that! That was the best part!
I think the reason I liked it so much was because of HOW SMOOTHLY IT WAS WORKED INTO A LOGICAL POINT IN THE SHOW WHERE IT MADE SENSE.
Also, Kenny’s girlfriend’s name is JUICY!
It also explains why she put sherry into children’s food and made a bourbon pie. She knows what she likes…
I loved that part the most! I kept hollering at my tv that she put crack on those ribs.
After the Lost recaps ended, I thought I would never love again, but these. . . these Top Chef recaps feel right.
After the unveiling of the spuma I set my YouFace status to Weirdzies.
this spuma is making me thirtsy
I am so happy Rosie’s Doppelganger is gone. She wanted to put a delicious banger in the judges’ mouths but ended up with some raw, pink sausage in her buns and was told to leave. Speaking of leaving, I’ll show myself out….
Sorry Gabe, but Arnold won the challenge, not Aman-DUH!
SECONDED. I was so glad when she didn’t win. And thrilled Arnold won. He is definitely my boyfriend and I hope you mean no disrespect or I’ll come over there are clog your pores, Gabe.
i haven’t seen last night’s top chef yet, but i did see work of art this morning… there needs to be at least an open thread about the absurdity of that show.
“This banana cream pie is great, but it needs more celery scum…err…foam,” said Absolutely No One Anywhere Ever.
“Elimination challenge mean the winner gets elimination, right? This oughta do it.” – That chef.
Amanda is a recovering cocaine addict? Let’s hope and pray that she is kicked off the show for drug abuse only to be ELECTED fan favorite. Because, you know, Marion Barry.
I have a question:
I assume that there are many, many, many great chefs in this world and that many of them are here in America. Certainly there are more than 14 great chefs in this country. Even setting aside the famous and successful, there are still probably an innumerable number of talented and knowledgeable food industry professionals.
So, why is it that every season of Top Chef since I have been watching features a large number of people who do not know shit about food, do not know how to cook basic dishes and who seem put off by the suggestion that they should have to know certain basic techniques and dishes?
And I do not mean the people, who under the pressure of unusual challenges and circumstances, fail. That is understandable. I mean the people who appear unable under any circumstance to conceive of, and execute, a basic dish of food.
How is it that someone can get on this show and not know how to bake a pie? A basic, plain pie. Not a weird pie of weirdness or under some strange circumstance, but just think of a pie and cook it right. I understand that everyone has specialties and not every chef does everything, but it seems like if I am going to put myself out as the TOP CHEF, I am going to make sure I know how to make all of the basics, at least one good thing for every type of food.
I would excuse it as the producers trying to cast interesting people over talented chefs for the sake of televised drama, but the people are all boring too, and have been for several seasons, so that’s not the problem.
I know food is hard, but are these folks really the best?
I remember the first thing we did in my 8th grade home economics class (it was mandatory…don’t judge) was learn how to make an apple pie. Even though the class was eventually shut down due to a gradual loss of control by the teacher that resulted in a dough ball fight, I still think that I could make a apple pie that looks and tastes better than Tracey’s crapsterpiece.
I too had Home Economics in 8th grade, but all we learned was how to carry a baby like a football and that we should keep our cuticles neat and clean.
We also had balloon babies that we had to keep alive and unpopped for a day. If the child was still inflated the next class period, you got an A. If it popped, no matter the circumstances, you failed. Right before class, one of the other boys grabbed my son out of his stroller, popped it with his braces, and yelled, “I gave your baby AIDS.” I wept openly in the hallway.
i would make the argument that touch upon in the end, based on the experience of watching top chef masters. that show, while stunningly congenial, gets boring fast. after a few weeks, the drama of the show is about who cooked their food less perfectly.
“both your scallops are perfect. but your delicious side-dish was just a touch less delicious. but actually, they were both great.”
top chef has to be on for a certain number of weeks, and the inevitable train-wreck of the first six or seven chef’s ends and then begins the enjoyable half of the season.
just an idea. i am not tom colloquia, man.
Why you ask? because the rest of us talented folks have better things to do than whore ourselves out on crappy bravo competition shows – like working real jobs and not having to pander to ridiculously gimicky challenges
Also yes when everyone freaked out over a pie it was a little unbelievable… Johnny Iuzzini’s burn “my grandmother’s not a pastry chef but she can make a pie” killed me
Last week, Amy Ryan joined the cast of Top Chef. This week, Nicholas Cage has put down his sorcerer’s wand and picked up a knife. I can’t wait for him to overcook his saffron infused cauliflower puree and scream, “HOW’D IT GET BURNT? HOW’D IT GET BURNT?!”
Could Gabe start recapping every show on television, please? I would read them all! Even the CSI ones.
I think that’s why we got soft gabe
Does it make me immature that I laugh when a grown man tells another grown man that his couscous is greasy?
Does everyone know that Videogum pal Max Silvestri also recaps Top Chef for Eater? Here’s his latest: http://tiny.cc/bzh3o
Double your LOLk every Thursday!
I’m a little confused how to feel about Gabe learning the contestants’ names only 3 episodes in.
Sad dudes
If this doesn’t work, I’m going to eat my jorts.
almost entirely off topic but did anyone see Stephan’s cameo on Entourage? Bizarre. Atleast it wasnt Hosea. -__-
Ha ha ha!! these photos are really very funny. These made me roar with laughter.
Force Factor