larry_king

In a shocking (SHOCKING!) announcement last night, Larry King informed the world (THE WORLD!) that he would be leaving his long-running talk-show, Larry King Live, in the fall (THE FALL!). End of an era, I’m sure. From the New York Times:

In the face of falling ratings, the CNN host Larry King announced Tuesday evening that he would end his long-running talk show, “Larry King Live,” this fall.

Mr. King will stay at CNN part time; in an announcement on his show, he said that he would host an undetermined number of specials “on major national and international subjects.” [Ed. note: MAJOR INTERNATIONAL SUBJECTS!]

“Larry King Live,” the centerpiece of the CNN prime-time schedule, has seen its ratings drop sharply in recent years, particularly in the last six months, leading to widespread talk that Mr. King’s current contract, which will expire in June 2011, could be his last. Asked by Bill Maher, his guest on his Tuesday night show, about the speculation in the media, Mr. King said “that had nothing to do with it.” He said he approached CNN management about the change and they “graciously accepted.”

That was nice of a forward-thinking media company in charge of a multi-million dollar franchise to graciously accept the resignation of a constantly confused and exhausted-seeming, 3,000-year-old bag of bones that is literally being held together with STRAPS. The article goes on to explain that Larry King hopes Ryan Seacrest will take his place. Ah, an old media stalwart for hard-hitting journalism until the very end. I mean, no offense to Ryan Seacrest, he seems like a very nice walking bottle of hair gel man, but if you want him to take your place on what is purportedly a serious interview program on one of the few remaining serious news networks, then clearly no one needs to take your place. “Let’s put a plant there!” Of course, the real tragedy is that we will probably never get an on-air confirmation from Larry King himself concerning the popular rumors that he farts so much that he has to have a small electric fan at his feet, and that this fan blows the farts right into his guests’ faces. “Tonight, on a very special episode of Larry King Live, I interview myself about my farts! Larry on Larry!” Oh well. R.I.P. Larry King Live. America’s interview subjects will have to find someone else to lob the softest of soft ball questions and hold their feet to the gentlest, not unpleasant fire before departing on a non-sequiturial, mildly-Alzheimer-y digression.

Comments (37)
  1. i guess we’ll never know if ufos are real or fake.

    • She is lovely. But Life is so lonely.
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  2. At least he will have more time now to spend with his wife:

  3. Larry’s replacement:

  4. Pour one out for our fallen homie

  5. This guy, maybe? Or has the ink already dried on his contract (not that that stops SOME people).

  6. Hey Monsters let’s play a text version of the Larry King Game from the KPCS, For those who don’t know the rules:

    1) You make an outlandish statement as Larry King

    2) You go to a caller from a ridiculously sounding place in the U.S

    Me first…

    ” I was having dinner with Cesar Romero at Tavern on the Green when Aliens tried to beam me up to their spaceship! Fortunately Cesar grabbed hold of my suspenders and kept me on the ground! That was a close one… FROG SUCK Wyoming you’re on the air! “

    • “Few people know that I once took a swing at Nancy Reagan. She ducked and I ended up falling off the balcony. Assawoman, Virginia, you’re on the air.”

    • “It was only after we performed the ritual sacrifice of the young boy from West Virginia that the golden doors of the temple opened, releasing the infernal flock of screaming ducks, one of which, if you haven’t guessed, was Ms. Talia Shire…Onancock, Virginia, you are on the air. Hello, Onancock?”

    • “But it wasn’t D.W. Griffith in the hood, but Elvis. And that was shortly before Milton Berle pulled the baby alligator out of Ethel Merman’s behind! Belchertown, Massachusetts, YOU’RE UP!”

    • “And I’ll tell you this, even at 73, Elizabeth Taylor was the most flexible woman I have ever encountered. Tuchapeepee, Minnesota you’re on the air!”

      • And then Burgess Meredeth says, “That’s not a table.” Terrence in Stanhope, Arkansas, you’re on the air.

    • “It was 1992 and I was doing lines of cocaine off of Paula Poundstone’s ass when I noticed the CEO of Hypercolor giving it to Madonna right there in the middle of dance floor at The Sound Factory…. Steubenville, Ohio, you’re on the air…Hello Steubenville? Whats you’re question? WHATS YOUR’RE QUESTION?”

    • “If you ever see my sex tape I can guarantee you won’t be watching figurative sex. Kittypurry, Wisconsin your on the air.”

    • “You heard it here first, folks. If you haven’t seen Joey Heatherton in Godspell, then you haven’t seen Godspell… Hello, Hasty, Colorado.”

      • “For my money, you will not see a better onscreen performance this year than Arnold Schwarzenegger in ‘Jingle All the Way’… Muddyrumps, Kansas, you’re on!”

  7. “Larry, you’re being inappropriate”

    — Carrie Prejean, in reference to Larry’s disgusting fart fan set-up


  8. Major International Subject

  9. Let Larry King keep doing the show until he dies, and then have his corpse and eventual skeleton host the show marionette-style using an intern’s voice off-camera to ask the questions. Ratings problem fixed. CNN would also have more money for staff pizza parties because you don’t have to pay money to a puppet skeleton host.

  10. This should really be Larry’s replacement. It’s less expensive than Ryan Seacrest, and there are thousands to choose from. Plus they ask better questions.

  11. And what d’ya know, soon as the acid kicks in, Lucille Ball becomes this brutal bore. Ended up tossing her in the ravine with the car. Hello Perry calling from Ottumwa in Iowa!

  12. Ryan Seacrest is the Will Schuester of real life.

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