THIS JUST IN! BREAKING NEWS! ACTOR JEREMY PIVEN (Car 54, Where Are You?, The Family Man) DROPPED HIS PHONE IN THE TOILET AT A SUSHI RESTAURANT OVER THE WEEKEND. WE REPEAT: JEREMY PIVEN (Don King: Only In America, Keeping Up With The Steins) DROPPED HIS PHONE IN THE TOILET AT A SUSHI RESTAURANT. From the HuffingtonPost:

[Jeremy Piven (Scary Movie 3, Rugrats)] dropped his phone into the toilet at Sunda restaurant in Chicago Saturday night, the New York Post reports. He summoned the staff to fish the phone out for him and pack it in rice to dry it out.

Uh. Even as an anonymous civilian living a meaningless life without any mansions or restraining orders against stalkerazzi who can go about his business without anyone paying attention and who could drop dead at any second and no one would even care because he never appeared on a sitcom even once, if I dropped my cellphone into the toilet I wouldn’t SUMMON THE STAFF. Because that is embarrassing. That is why. Because it is embarrassing to point at a toilet and tell someone you dropped your phone in it. Not even getting into the fact that asking another human being to put their hand into a toilet to retrieve YOUR phone that YOU dropped because you feel that you are above picking it up but you feel that they are not above picking it up is disgusting and offensive and makes you human garbage. What a stupid asshole. Pack him in rice to dry out. (Follow him on Twitter!)

That being said, nothing has given me more pleasure today than the headline “Jeremy Piven Drops His Phone In Toilet At Sushi Restaurant.” So I hope the judge takes that into account at sentencing.

Comments (41)
  1. I’m just glad Jason Bateman didn’t cut in line ahead of the staff to get Jeremy Piven’s phone out of the toilet (huh?).

    I got nothing.

  2. Should he still be eating sushi after it almost (allegedly) killed him? Bold move, baldy!

    • My theory: he snuck in and purposefully dropped his phone in the toilet and made the staff to retrieve it in an act of vengeance against his fishy foes. A modern hero, truly.

      • Perhaps he didn’t drop his phone and he just PASSED his phone, in which case it would explain all the heavy metal poisoning in sushi restaurants and also being a jerk (arguably). STOP EATING PHONES, (ALLEGED) JERK.

  3. Breaking News: iPhone attempts suicide after months of captivity. “It was like being the phone balls used to call asshole”, the phone stated from its rice-filled hospital bed.

  4. I had forgotten that Jeremy Piven was in Rugrats.

  5. I was certain that picture was of Blossom. Mr. Cool hat. (Whoa!)

  6. I wish there was less about Jeremy Piven and more about the Kristen Stewart Awkward David Letterman Appearance on Television Last Night story. Why aren’t there other web sites on the internet that I can visit to get more information?

  7. Jeremy Piven (Scary Movie 3, Rugrats)] dropped his phone into the toilet at Sunda restaurant in Chicago Saturday night, the New York Post reports. He summoned the staff to fish the phone out for him and pack it in rice to dry it out.

  8. “Pack him in rice to dry out.” –your mom

  9. It is my eternal shame that I like Jeremy Piven. He is the lowest common denominator of society, but damnit, he was great in PCU and Cupid, and I just can’t forget that!

  10. Once, sometime in the last 4 years, a forgettable post from one of my google reader feeds informed me that one way to deal with a phone dropped in the toilet is to pack it in rice.

    a) It’s good that Piven found himself in a sushi restaurant
    b) It’s nice to see that he is able to maintain his composure to not only summon the waitstaff but also remember this neato trick about drying out your cellphone
    c) It’s pleasurable to think about how Jeremy Piven might use a public toilet phone instead of immediately buying a new one. Asshole celebs – their just like us!

  11. This is officially my favorite news story of the ever.

    Also, are we officially not hate-watching the new season of Entourage together? I can’t say I blame you. I basically watch it from the cross.

  12. you can make it up: the drug-addled brain of mr. cool accessories mistakes his own turd for an iphone and demands the staff fish it out and pack it in rice.

    this could be done in the style of a news story.

  13. What’s worse is Jeremy Piven is friends with the guy who owns the restaurant and still had no shame in acting like a demanding prick. Or perhaps it contributed to his sense of entitlement.

  14. The most embarrassing part of the story wasn’t even mentioned in the article, and that is the fact that he accidentally ate his iPhone 2 days earlier.

  15. Why is he packing it in rice to dry it out? Isn’t he in a fucking BATHROOM? Um, there are many drying elements from which to choose, Jeremy: toilet paper, paper towels, hand dryers. No? You want to make a sushi roll out of your peepeeiPhone? Of course you do.

  16. JP is just working overtime to erase my fond memories of him on the Larry Sanders Show. This is what happens when chubby guys start working out. It’s like they get all buffed up on insecure asshole pills.

  17. Come on, give the Piv some slack. This is the star of The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard we are talking about.

  18. Jeremy Piven “summoning” a staff member to pick his phone out of a toilet and then instructing them how to “dry it out” might actually be the douchiest thing I have ever heard. Can someone please just give him his “The Worst” tiara so we can all go home and scrub his memory from our brains with bourbon?

  19. No listing of Piven’s greatest film, Serendipity? Rare miss.

  20. this is “how you nail down 2am Vegas-style:

  21. more like jeremy PEEvin.
    raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiighhht?

  22. Aw, come on guys. If you were rocking some rad J Lo shades like old Piv over here, you would be too nervous to bend over a toilet to retrieve your phone too.

  23. LLLLOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYDDDDDD

  24. It’s been a long-time dream of mine to meet Jeremy Piven… so that I can yell, “You’re the worst, you tiny-penissed, balding midget nightmare!” at him.

  25. Nice Shark’s tooth necklace, Piv-Meister (that’s my nick-name for him because we are best friends! We have so many LOLz together about how much Sushi we eat!)

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