When I was a kid, if I was listening to a particularly racy serial on the old crystal radio kit, I’d keep my hand on the dial so that if Ma or Pa walked in, I could change the channel quickly and make it look like I was listening to cartoons. And that is how I felt watching this show last night. Holy cow! I hope everyone covered their eyes for most of that! I know this show is supposed to be sexy, or whatever, you know, like how fucking cold, pale, re-animated corpses and/or puppy shapeshifters is sexy (?) but last night was really taking it to the next level, and some of us were FINE at the OLD LEVEL. In fact, some of us even found the previous level SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE because of how some of us are not SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO ACTUAL MONSTERS. But anyway, right, so Eric is about to fight a werewolf and then Sookie shoots a gun at it, and now we are in The Matrix, I guess. Eric watches the bullet for a second, because THAT IS HOW FAST HE IS AT WATCHING, and then he jumps in front of the bullet! What?! Oh no! Eric, are you OK? Would you like someone to call a FANGBULANCE? Oh. It turns out jumping in front of the bullet was his way of tricking the werewolf into turning into a human in order to get some of that sweet sweet vampire blood. This is confusing. Because a moment later he kills the werewolf, and when he is burying the werewolf in the backyard (right) he explains to Sookie that werewolves are too strong when they drink vampire blood (I am an adult typing these sentences, NEVER FORGET) so it seems like maybe taking a bullet and allowing the werewolf to drink his blood and every other aspect of this ridiculously over-contrived plot point could have been avoided by just, you know, fighting the werewolf normal. Oh man. WHY AM I EVEN TRYING TO THINK THROUGH THIS RATIONALLY?

Meanwhile, Vampire Bill threw an oil lantern in Lorena’s stupid face, but she’s fine. Everyone is always fine on this show two seconds after we’re supposed to think they’re not fine. Lame.

Bill is still being held captive by the King of Mississippi who wants him to change his allegiance. Honestly, I do not understand anything that is going on in this entire aspect of the show, and I do not care. If I wanted to understand the intricacies of VAMPIRE POLITICS, I would have STUDIED IT IN SCHOOL. I mean, honestly, no offense to vampires, but if you are really a centuries old race of wealthy, immortal homosexuals, don’t you think you could have come up with a better system than state-by-state monarchy? That is so many kings and queens! Also, at some point later in the episode, Bill decides that he IS going to switch allegiances in order to save Sookie (snore) and so he just puts on his finest white-linen blazer and walks into the sitting room and announces that he is switching allegiances and that’s the end of it. Really? You don’t have to sign anything or kill anything or “turn” anything? That almost seemed TOO easy. The vampire government could SERIOUSLY use some checks and balances.

Incidentally, Bill decides to give in to the Vampire King of Mississippi’s demands (oh good grief) after having a bad dream about the time where he had to erase his wife’s memory Men in Black style. Personally, I have never had a dream in which an entire dramatic event from my past was played out accurately and in chronological order with absolutely no dream embellishment whatsoever, but I suppose I’ve also never had a BEING A VAMPIRE. So.

Meanwhile, Tara has sex with that other Vampire and it’s the grossest thing I have ever seen.

Tara is the worst.

Sookie is going to Mississippi to look for Bill, because they are in love, and when you are in love, you travel across state lines going from werewolf bar to werewolf bar (oh, by the way, THERE ARE WEREWOLF BARS NOW) trying to find a lead on your VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND who was KIDNAPPED by a KING OF A STATE. So Eric sends a werewolf to help her, because vampires can’t help her because they have to sleep, I guess. Also, they explain that he is helping Eric because his dad owes him a debt on a construction project or something? Good. I’m sure Alan Ball wrote 50 pages of backstory of this goddamned werewolf, just so that he could really GET INTO THE WEREWOLF’S MIND and UNDERSTAND HIS MOTIVATIONS. This show is nothing if not thorough and smart and filled with important detail and three-dimensional characters. Anyway, the werwolf is sad because his ex-girlfriend is fucking another werewolf. Awww. Boo hoo. You should find yourself a new girlfriend on W-Date!

They go to a werwolf bar called Lou Pine’s (it’s right next to my chain of family-style restaurants, BARFIGAN’S) and Sookie immediately walks into a circle of werewolves and asks them to buy her a drink. She touches one of them and sees that he was involved in kidnapping Bill, and so she tries to get him to rape her in a back room? To save Bill? Good plan. This plan is very solid. “Now I’ve got you right where I want you: raping me.” I feel like this happened last season, too? Is it just me, or is Sookie always trying to get raped?

Stop it, Sookie. Or don’t. I mean, rape is obviously the absolute worst, but I do not care about Sookie’s well-being at this point (or at any point ever). Also, this is werewolf rape, i.e. MYTHICAL FICTION. You can’t be offended by my callous disregard for whether or not Sookie gets werewolf-raped because werewolf-rape DOESN’T EXIST. But she doesn’t get werewolf-raped because her werewolf pal comes and fights the other werewolf and then the werewolf bouncer (WEREWOLF BOUNCER!) kicks him out and tells the “good” werewolf that HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO GET MARRIED. Hahaha. I just met this werewolf, am I seriously supposed to care about his PREVIOUS ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS? This show’s presumptuous demands on my supposed emotional investment are RIDICULOUS.

Meanwhile, Eric gives Lafayette a fancy car, Jason Stackhouse wants to be a cop now, what’s her name is pregnant, Sam’s family does a ton of shots. Whatever. The road crew finds a dead body with no head. The Sheriff quits. Wait, no fair! How come the Sheriff gets to quit? I want to quit!

Especially after this:

Yikes. Here is my badge. And my gun. I’m keeping one of the bullets, though. I’m just going to chew on it and hope it goes off.

Comments (71)
  1. Vampire Sexytime:

    Me:

  2. The Body in the ditch had no head AND no hands… I think we all know who is behind this:

  3. What did you think, Paul Rudd?

  4. I rue the day that Lafayette prevented Tara from killing herself.

  5. I was seriously so proud of Buck for quitting. I was like “Good for you, Buck! Get the hell out of that town – that place sucks!”

  6. So, Bill switched allegiances like Michael Scott declares bankruptcy. Got it.

  7. I grew up in Mississippi. The vampires and werewolves running around and effing nonstop are the LEAST of that state’s problems.

    • and now haley barbour is thinking about running for prezdint! because he’s done such a good job brining up mississippi from being the dead last in the human development index! (full disclosure, my lovely louisiana came in 48th, so i am compelled to constantly kick and berate mississippi, since it’s basically a fucked up sibling rivalry over being the worst.) maybe all of this true blood nonsense is really astute politically commentary on the cannabalistic nature of poverty in the gulf south? anyone?

      • Agreed! Also making fun of Arkansas, which is not technically a gulf state, but apparently way fuller of creepy inbred white folk than Louisiana or Mississippi.

        • As an Arkansan, I don’t know whether to cry from shame all the time, or use that “the water in Arkansas is very hard” line at bars.

          This isn’t a new dilemma for me. But hey, Bill Clinton! Wal-Mart! You’re welcome, rest of the world.

        • I like to call it Arkan-sass. And they produced the Duggar family, so there is no excuses. You can never make that up to the world, Arkan-sass!

      • It would be so great if a vampire or werewolf could just take him out. I guess they are too busy effing all the time?

  8. I’m pretty sure every sex scene in this show is weird and gross and the least sexy ever. It’s like they’re trying to make me apologize to myself for watching it.

  9. i love the giant painting of the wolf in the werewolf bar. i’m surprised the werewolves weren’t wearing wolf tshirts too… you know the ones with the wolf howling in the foreground, tree or mountainscape in the background.

  10. So Twilight + bars + rape = True Blood. I mean think about it for a second, this is literally what you are watching?

  11. Watching True Blood for the plot line is like reading Playboy for the articles. Let’s just be happy about the boobs.

    • In case you weren’t sure if they were serious, they named the werewolf bar Lou Pine’s. I would be frustrated if I was watching this show for the character development too.

  12. I’m going to try this and hope to succeed…

  13. I want to know why all the vampires are all about that Estonian stripper. Is she “valuable” in a way that has yet to be explained? Or something?

    • Well, when one supernatural being that drinks blood and has been dead for hundreds of years really loves a mail-order Estonian stripper-whore the two of them get together and…

  14. All I took away from this is that lead is spelled lede when referring to solving crimes.

  15. You know, in defense of Alcide’s past with paying off his dad’s debt and the ex-girlfriend, that’s actually just straight out of the books.

    And, I mean, I would apologize for knowing that… except those books are so much better then this crazy shit. Still crazy, just… acceptable crazy.

    Now, excuse me. I need to take a shower and eat an apple.

  16. Is that Denis O’Hare?? I love his sexy sexy face.

  17. The best thing* about Barfigan’s is when the servers all sing the Barfigan’s version of Happy Birthday.

    Happy Happy Birthday
    On your special day
    Happy Happy Birthday
    And we’re here to say
    Happy Happy Birthday
    May all your dreams come true
    Happy Happy Bir [gunshot]

    Hey, look at that. Dreams do come true.

    (*not the best thing)

  18. I didn’t get to read any of this yet but if it hasn’t been said.

    Eggs real name is Benedict ….

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah …

    hahahahahah

  19. I’m pretty sure that was Patrick Swayze’s brother trying to rape Sookie. Ummm… that’s all.

    • YES! I thought he looked familiar when he was kidnapping bill but I definitely figured it out when he tried raping Sookie. (Why?)

      Also, RIP Johnny Castle.

  20. Gabe’s recap forgot to tally how many butts were shown this episode. This week: Jason Stackhouse. Next week: who knows! They have a minimum ‘one-butt-per-episode’ quota and it has got to be filled!

  21. Gabe, my man. Thanks for making me laugh week after week. You are such a good writer. Rolling Stone summed up True Blood nicely in one sentence: “Twilight meets Skinemax.”

  22. So I get Facebook updates from the True Blood fan page (trust me, I hate myself, too) and this was today’s status: “Last night’s episode featured what is already being described as television’s most shocking sex scene of all time. Stephen Moyer himself called it ‘a watercooler moment for the next 20 years.’”

    Thank goodness someone is brave enough to finally FINALLY show some realism in vampiric hate-sex.

  23. If they want to get me to watch this show they are going to have to cast Sarah Michelle Gellar and have her run around in a short skirt killing the vampires

  24. What was up with the Zima line? Didn’t they talk about drinking Zima last night?

  25. Look, I love VAMPIRE POLITICS as much as the next Trubie, but I was really satisfied when they went into great expositional detail on the gift tax situation when Eric gave Lafayette a car. THANK YOU TRUE BLOOD. We definitely need more tax talk in our vamporn.

    • I’m not sure how serious you are being, but that was probably my favorite scene from the episode. I am surprised Gabe did not jump on that moment as a rare example of something from the show that could and does actually happen.

      • I think there are just too many completely cookoo moments in each episode now, that Gabe’s brain exploded and he just ran out of steam. And I kind of understand. Usually there is enough of a balance of bat-shit insane and a little bit insane in each episode that I can enjoy it ironically. But this last episode was so totally bat-shit that it was actually tiring to watch, let alone write about.

        So what I’m trying to say here is this: Thanks, Gabe! I know I like to bring up redonk things that you didn’t write about, but I get it. Just please don’t stop writing these recaps. They MAKE my Monday.

  26. I was in the Greatful Dead  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2010 +1

    “Eggs” is a poor character name

  27. Just so you Monsters know:

    Lou Pine and the LOLmberjacks are available for birthdays, weddings and werewolf bar(-mitzah)s.

  28. Henceforth, a show jumping the shark will be referred to as “twisting Lorena’s neck.”

    Example: True Blood twisted Lorena’s neck from its premiere episode.

    Also, Lou Pine’s/Lupines. Ah, True Blood, you slay you. No, for real…slay you.

  29. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  30. “I’m sure Alan Ball wrote 50 pages of backstory of this goddamned werewolf”

    The details of that deal are straight out of the books. I wish more of the show was. The books are not nearly as crazy-alternate-universe as the show is.

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