twilight_eclipse

YO POKEMONS, ARE YOU IN THIS LINE? I’M ASSUMING YOU ARE IN THIS LINE. EVERYONE IS HERE. WE HAVE OUR TENTS AND OUR SLEEPING BAGS AND OUR LIP GLOSS AND OUR ZUNES. IF YOU AREN’T IN THIS LINE RIGHT NOW I BET YOUR HEAD IS FALLING OFF LOL BUT IF YOU ARE IN THIS LINE THEN I BET YOUR HEAD IS STILL FALLING OFF LOLOLOL. IT’S SO EXCITING I WANT TO BARF. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT IN JUST A FEW SHORT DAYS (ALTHOUGH I WISH THEY WERE SHORTERRRRRRRR) WE WILL BE WATCHING THE MOVIE ADAPTATION OF A BOOK WE READ? IT’S INSANE. I FEEL INSANE. THIS IS THE CRAZIEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. AND THE BEST. I WISH I COULD MARRY THE WAY THAT I FEEL RIGHT NOW. ANYWAY, IF UR ALREADY IN THIS LINE THEN I SUPPOSE THIS LIST WON’T HELP U VERY MUCH, BUT IF YOU ARE IN YR MOM’S CAR, BEING DRIVEN DOWN 2 THE LINE BY YOUR MOM, THEN YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO STOP AT A WALGREEN’S OR A SAM’S CLUB OR KIM’S HOUSE AND GET A FEW LAST MINUTE SUPPLIES TO PREPARE 4 NEXT WEEK’S TWILIGHT:ECLIPSE PREMIERE. BEING PREPARED IS SUPER COOL AND ALL THE POPULAR KIDS ARE VERY PREPARED. CHECK IT OUT, NEAT DOGS:

IMPORTANT LIST:

1. NECK BANDAGES FOR YOUR HEAD IF IT FALLS OFF TO KEEP IT ON LOLOL (2 PACKS)
2. RAW HAMBURGER MEAT WEREWOLVES LOVE IT (10 LBS)
3. ROBERT PATTINSON VAMPIRE EDWARD TEAM EDWARD SHINY DILDO FOR AT NIGHT
4. ZUNE W/ ALL YOUR FAVE BLACK EYED PEAS SONGS ON IT
5. LIP GLOSS
6. DIARY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS AND DREAMS ABOUT MARRYING TAYLOR LAUTNER’S BODY
7. KRISTEN STEWART DARTBOARD HATE HER
8. DORA THE EXPLORER SLEEPING BAG AND MINI-BACKPACK
9. PICTURES OF YOUR CATS TO SHOW STRANGERS
10. WEDDING RING JUST IN CASE FOR SOME REASON ROBERT PATTINSON OR TAYLOR LAUTNER OR EVEN PETER FACINELLI SHOW UP SO THAT YOU CAN GET MARRIED TO THEM WITHOUT HAVING TO WAIT, YOU NEVER KNOW, OK, THINGS HAPPEN, STUFF HAPPENS

THAT SHOULD JUST ABOUT DO IT. P.S. DO NOT TRY AND CUT ME IN LINE OR I WILL MURDER YOU AND TAKE YOU OFF MY FACEBOOK.

Comments (63)
  1. “CHECK IT OUT, NEAT DOGS:” – my tombstone

  2. Gabe, you’re a little late. I was camping out for last night’s premiere at the Nokia Theater in LA all week. Now I can finally go home and get some rest.

  3. You forgot doritos, I saw Taylor Lautner eating them once so obviously he loves them and anyone who eats them, now was it cool ranch or nacho cheese

  4. My just-turned-18-year-old brother is coming to NYC for the first time next weekend, and he sends me the following text: “Hey are there any movie theaters up there? Cus the new twilight movie comes out and idk if you wanted to see it” which means “I really want to see it even though I’ll be in NYC for the first time ever.” (Also, LOLOLOL that he’s not sure if we have movie theaters.) Anyways, now I will be prepared. Thanks, Gabe!

  5. VAMPIRES WHO WONT FUCK YOU! #AlternateTwilightTitles

  6. 11. A BIG BOX OF ME OVER HERE FOR SNACK TIMES

  7. THINGS HAPPEN, STUFF HAPPENS

    • <——– Grieving face?

    • they’re SO married

    • Wow, I’m sorry, but, BAD PERSON.

    • And her fucking dog died while she was in line last year.

      From the Associated Press:

      “Stephanie Tregea, 19, drove 500 miles from Upper Lake, in Northern California, to attend the premiere. She wore a black T-shirt that said “Team Carlisle,” and held a sign that read: “My cat died while I’ve been in line. (Peter, comfort me during this sadness).”
      It got her an extended embrace from Facinelli, who plays Cullen patriarch Carlisle.
      Tregea said she is concerned about a Twilight jinx, because her dog died as she waited in line for the “New Moon” premiere last year.”

      That’s right, Stephanie. It’s a jinx. It has nothing to do with the fact that you didn’t care for your animals for days because you wanna see TAYLOR’S SMOKING HOT BOD OMG!!!

    • Does anyone else mostly only remember Peter Facinelli at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s asshole football player boyfriend in Can’t Hardly Wait? He looked pretty good with that S&M bondage gear the NERDS put him in.

    • THIS is so sad. She is so brave. Look at how she’s holding it together after the tragedy so terrible she had to make a sign for it. And she has Peter to thank for you. I could cry right now, I’m so moved.

  8. It hurts my head when you write in all caps.

  9. I’VE GOT MY JORTS AND TEVAS ALL PICKED OUT YOU GUYS!

  10. 7. KRISTEN STEWART DARTBOARD HATE HER

    Hilarious. Jealous girls.

  11. Sure I mock, but I might marry Peter Facinelli, given the chance. He seems the type to enjoy beer and pool, and as I also enjoy beer and pool, clearly we are compatible.

    That is how love works, right?

  12. I also want to barf.

  13. I just want to make sure eveyone fandangoed their tickets for the Twilight Experience at AMC. Don’t forget! I mean 8+ hours of twilight is not to be missed.

  14. 11. SILLY BANDZ, LOTS AND LOTS OF SILLY BANDZ

  15. I thought watching these movies would be better to watch alone because you know Kristen Stewart is pretty and maybe some “alone time” would make sense for that type of activity, but actually I think watching these movies in a theater of screaming tween girls would be awesome. There were two moments in the last movie – 1) where the vampire boy is walking in slow motion at the beginning of the movie, the wind blowing his hair and his shirt while some girly indie music plays, and 2) when the werewolf boy takes his shirt off – where I thought I could hear a thousand tween girls screaming, but I was actually alone in my apartment.

  16. I really hope the goblin novel I am working on is going to take off like this these little guys are as sparkly and sexy as any bloodsucker. I want Russell Crowe to play me! And Bieber can be a goblin!!

    Working title: Early Afternoon

  17. let’s go to burger king and harass old people after!

  18. 11. STUPID LAMP FOR WHEN IT GETS DARK EEEK SCARY!

  19. 27. Hammer to shatter any dreams your parents had for you to contribute to society in a positive way.

  20. So, a question about Twilight. Edward’s like 90 and he goes to high school, right? So is he like CRAZY good at history? When the history teacher talks about the great depression, is Edward like, “yeah, teach, those were some tough times. I remember when me and Ma and Pa and the whole family loaded everything onto our T-Model Ford and drove out to California to try and find work, but there wasn’t any so we had to stay in a Hooverville, and everyone kept calling us ‘Reds’ and ‘Oakies’ and…er…I mean…stickers? Snow Patrol?”

    • Also, how dumb is this guy that his intellectual stimulation comes from someone one-tenth his age? I mean, I don’t go around having riveting conversations with three-year-old kids. “After a century it turns out that you, teenage girl, are the best of all possible options.”

      • he has to be stupid, or why else would he STILL be in the 10th [?] grade? does he ALWAYS stay in 10th grade? what principal would let a high school looking kid be in 3rd grade? if he’s just getting around to high school, what took him so long?

        • It had to be long division that tripped him up. That shit is impossible.

        • I hate that I know this, but whenever they move towns they start out as young as possible so they can stay there longer before people realize that they’re kind of not aging and have to move again, so they all pretend to be high school students. Why they don’t pretend to have just graduated from high school and therefore not actually have to suffer through that shit all over again is beyond me.

          I only know that because of Rifftrax Twilight. I swear.

  21. I WISH I COULD MARRY THE WAY THAT I FEEL RIGHT NOW. is my new answer to everything.

  22. Um Gabe, any real Twilight fan knows to fill their Zune with the Twilight movie soundtrack. NOT Black Eyed Peas.

    SO disappointed right now, it’s like you don’t even care. EXCUSE me while I go listen to Paramore on the original first movie soundtrack. Losers.

  23. Gabe, I can’t believe you left out the Robert Pattinson manllow (half man, half pillow, all DREAMZ!!!11!!):

    “Made of soft cotton jersey, screen printed face, polyester stuffing and love.”

  24. gabes in line!

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.