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In Hollywood, the Holy Grail of movie projects is, of course, Bagel: The Movie. It is well-known around the city that whoever discovers the key of how to dramatize the exciting story of a bagel will be rich beyond his wildest imaginings. But until that elusive dream becomes a reality, the studios will have to content themselves by making movies out of other stupid inanimate shit. Like those troll dolls they sell in hospital gift shops. From the Hollywood Reporter:
The Good Luck Trolls, with their frizzy, pastel-colored hair, are coming to the big screen via DreamWorks Animation.
The troll doll was created in 1959 by Danish fisherman and woodcutter Thomas Dam, when he carved a doll based on Scandinavian trolls for his daughter Lajla. The toy line gained popularity in Europe and the U.S. during the early ’60s, becoming a fad embraced by kids and the counter-culture.
In striking the deal with DWA, Niels Dam, the dollmaker’s son who now owns the family business, said, “My father would have been very happy to know that his Troll has found its dream partner in DreamWorks Animation.”
I think we are ALL happy to know that his Troll has found its dream partner in DreamWorks Animation.
After the jump, an EXCLUSIVE first look at the script for the Good Luck Trolls movie!
INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE – DAY
PINK TROLL is lying on the troll couch as his troll therapist in a troll lab coat takes troll notes on a troll clipboard.
THERAPIST TROLL
How did you deal with his death?
PINK TROLL
I shut down like a broken motor.
THERAPIST TROLL
Huh. And according to the Southern way, still no tears.
PINK TROLL
Oh, I cry sometimes, Trollenstein. I cry at weddings, at the Olympics. I’m real big at the national anthem.
THERAPIST TROLL
But not over Luke Troll?
PINK TROLL
What the hell for? It wouldn’t bring him back.
THERAPIST TROLL
No. But it might bring you back.
Pink Troll begins to shake with wild, manic laughter.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – NIGHT
TROLL BAUER is backed up against the wall with SUSPECT TROLL in a headlock. He has a knife to Suspect Troll’s throat.
TROLL BAUER
Give me those launch codes!
Suspect Troll spits in Troll Bauer’s face. Troll Bauer slits his throat. White cotton pours down his chest. Troll Bauer just killed the one lead he had.
And scene.
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Darn I was hoping they would go the Harry Potter route with this script:
How the hell do Trolls get a movie before My Little Pony? Is there some sort of 80s nostalgia bureau to whom I can send a strongly worded letter of complaint?
Also:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH I CAN SEE IT EVEN WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES!
Seriously, this is the trailer for my nightmares tonight.
I want to bring up, again, that I got bleach in an open wound this past weekend.
I was walking through City Hall Park this weekend (on the way to Flatbread, natch) and looked at the fountain and then said out loud to my friend “oh i hope he didn’t really splash in that, yuck.” Trying to explain it just made it seem weirder. But really, maybe the bleach was a good thing? Because that is a gross gross fountain.
I didn’t actually go in the fountain, my roomate was busy with work and alone it seemed like less of a great idea. I did, however, cut open my foot badly on exposed piping in my landlord’s apartment, so yeah, the bleach probably wasn’t the worst.
Also, Flatbread is the greatest, there was a this period where I had a coupon for there and I kept on going because I had the coupon, but then always forgot to use it, so then I’d have to go again, like later in the week. It was pretty sweet. Bad Flatbread story though, when you are stoned in the middle of the night and open the fridge, see pizza without really looking at it, then put it on the counter without turning on the light in the kitchen and just start WOLFING it down, when you discover it was Flatbread, you get really, really sad that you didn’t savor it.
Also also, I love that you are actually using this technique, but unfortunatly I was nowhere to be found last weekend, too busy painting my house and then playing wiffleball to practice for a huge tournament I am playing in this weekend.
I hear Bagel the Movie is coming along but first they want to release muffin the movie since muffins are so 2010
They have to get the muffin movie out to introduce us to bagels, so that Bagel the Movie can be set in New York and focus on the bagels riding around on taxi cabs in their new and unfamiliar environment.
I find it hard to suspend disbelief enough to accept that bagels are unfamiliar with New York City.
It could always follow the Fletch Lives model. Bagel inherits a plantation and mocks caricatures of southerners. Box office gold!
Team Pink Troll.
On the plus side, this means that the Olsen Twins will be able to get back to work.
What do you want on your Troll Pizza?
cocaine! please!
It’s a pizza that keeps you thin!
There’s no such thing as bad cocaine pizza.
Truer words…
Aww, nana Trollface will be thrilled!
My girlfriend has a huge collection of troll dolls. So, I’m sure I will be dragged to this.
ARRRGH. Why won’t you work!?!?!?
It’s OK. The troll won the world series. Feel good about that.
That’s your girlfriend: lady with troll doll collection.
We’re going to need a bigger nostalgic lunchbox.
..by girlfriend, I mean me.
And by “dragged to this” I mean “will be the first in line!
I only ask 2 things of this movie:
1. At one point, there is some form of urination on a dinner table.
2. Da Cake Eatur makes a cameo.
#1 can’t happen, b/c like lady gaga, they don’t have genitals.
The movie ends with Therapist Troll telling Pink Troll, over and over again with more and more intensity, “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”
Don’t fuck with we Troll. Not you.
and by we I mean me
HUG IT OUT!
I’m assuming they’re going to cast the “Gimme Pizza”-era Olson twins to play all of the trolls in this movie, right? They’re perfect for it!
Youtube Troll: “This is so fake and gay.”
Here’s a screenplay of my life story (HOLLYWOOD, STOP KNOCKING DOWN MY DOOR, IT’S ALMOST DONE):
INT. BORING OFFICE – DAY
BOOKWORM (on phone with COMPUTER DEPT WORM): Why do you keep blocking the websites I love?
COMPUTER DEPT WORM: Because your boss doesn’t want you to have any fun. That’s why it’s called work, not vacation.
AND SCENE.
I think it will be better than “Trolls” but not quite as good as “Bagel: The Movie.”
Here’s hoping that Steve Winwood plays the role of the evil, grammar-correcting troll.
I wish we had a question mark option in the voting.
I shouldnt be as attracted to Katy Perry as I am, but I am.
well, she is pretty, no?
No
yes she is pretty
This is probably why
I like that
Someone needs to tell the bagel that movies are just commercials for toys now.
Be a toy, bagel.
when i was in high school my brother ran a website called bagel.org which stood for Bay Area GNU Enthusiast League. gnu the operating system, not the wildebeest. now i’m really curious who is going to play me in b.a.g.e.l.: the movie. it will be hard to convey the ultimate crushing defeat of a character who should have spent less time making fun of his nerdy brother, smoking weed, and playing basketball, and more time learning operating systems because 15 years on his brother will make way more money than him.
Smoking weed and playing basketball is fuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnn.
yes it is, but binger slaps and playing tennis is almost toooooooo fun.
This guy might fit the bill
This is an example of someone just gettin’ it right.
NOW I know what Marcellus meant about something being rotten in the state of Denmark.
Oooh, someone went to college!
hamletburn.org
In other news the fictional character Pink Troll has shockingly leapt ahead of Zach Anner to be the next Oprah, despite entering the contest only an hour ago.
In response to the outrage and cries of foul play a representative for Oprah denied any wrong doing stating, “Everyone knows the internet has millions of trolls.”
OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.
In 3rd grade, my dad gave me a San Francisco Giants troll. It had a red jewel and bright orange hair that I accidentally ripped out (it popped back into place). I loved it and brought it to school every day. One day I noticed it wasn’t in my desk was started crying. Look everywhere for it with no luck. A week later, a classmate just happened to have a new Giants troll too, who’s orange hair popped in and out, as well. He denied stealing it from me and our teacher did nothing…I cried again.
Instead of Good Luck Trolls, they should change it to Karma Trolls and I hope you get what’s coming to you, Jason Littlefield!
You just made me lol in my office and I had to explain why I was laughing to my co-workers. Now they think I’m a freak for knowing about the Troll movie. And I didn’t even ever steal anyone’s troll! I’m sorry for your loss, though.
He seems to have grown as a person since this incident. http://www.myspace.com/justonblake3
Looks like we’re going to need a bigger troll toll.
Oh and by the way, Gabe, your Jack Bauer bit needs some work. Here:
Jack Bauer: “Give me those launch codes!” (…waits to repeat at a higher volume for dramatic effect…) “GIVE ME THOSE LAUNCH CODES!” (…it doesn’t work out and leaves a cliff hanger for the commercial break…) “DAMN IT!”
beep.
beep.
beep.
beep.
No it’s BOOP beep BOOP beep. Totally different, brohams mcgee
hmmm. I can’t tell if this qualifies as a typical Winwood-grammar-smack-down or something unique and special.
Not sure I give a care or what’s the diff? The point is this: the beeps and the boops on the 24 ticking clock were distinct, like 1s and 0s. They would alternate between one type of beep and another type of boop, then repeat. I loved Season 2 of 24. Will Jack be able to stop America from invading a middle eastern country on bogus WMD evidence? This was 2002-2003. Weird move, Fox network.
*SPOILER ALERT* I found the ending:
Sean: It’s not your fault.
Troll: [Softly, still staring off] I know…
Sean: No you don’t. It’s not your fault.
Troll: [Serious] I know.
Sean: No. Listen to me, troll. It’s not your fault.
Troll: I know that.
Sean: It’s not your fault.
[Troll is silent, eyes closed]
Sean: It’s not your fault.
Troll: [Troll's eyes open, misty already] Don’t fuck with me Sean. Not you.
Sean: It’s not your fault.
Hey do you like apples troll with blue hair?
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Am I the only one who suspects that whoever wrote that press release doesn’t understand what “pastel” means?
Hey – it’s time Winwood got a film!
(Just kidding Winwood. Sorta)
I hereby request a Steve Winwood twitter account. http://twitter.com/ C’mon Winwod. become one of us.
I don’t care for twitter and facebook. I used to have a facebook but old friends who should have known better were getting out of line. Privacy is important because people should have boundaries. Plus a friend of mine got fired from her job because of facebook shenanigans. Fuck that noise, friend.
Yeah, I can see how you hate giving out personal information, Steve Winwood of East Texas, born in Alabama, 45 Years old, hates Lost, loves Gummo, etc, etc.
I’m not going to rest until I see you on twitter Winwee.
You’re wrong about my age and you only assume I live in east Texas just because I put out the challenge to everyone to identify the source of the famous line “THE DEVIL’S ALIVE AND WELL IN EAST TEXAS!” which no one can identify.
“Do not feed the trolls” needs to be the tagline for this.
Obviously it’s going to be Let the Good Times Troll.
Sometimes … Ya Gotta Pay Tha Troll Toll
Nope, sorry, that’s the sequel.
Get ready to rock and troll!
You’ve Got to Troll With it Baby