You know what I hate? Child abduction. Hate it! Yuck! Oh, child abduction is the worst. I have always felt this way. You can go through everything I have ever written or said in my entire life (although stay out of my thoughts, you precogs!) and you will never find me arguing in FAVOR of child abduction. “Gabe? He is firmly and publicly against child abduction” is the kind of thing someone might say about me, if asked about my thoughts and/or opinions on the violent kidnapping of innocent children. My motto is “Children should be seen, not heard, nor abducted.” Anyway, I’m belaboring the point now, but I think you get it: thumbs down, kidnappers. Boo! Get off the van!

That being said, I also hate this amber alert PSA in which a bunch of “moms” shoot automatic weapons in slow motion while making screamy faces. Yikes. You guys, I’m worried about these moms!

As horrible and scary as child abduction (which I hate!) is, human beings shooting automatic weapons is also horrible and scary. Regardless of how ill-fitting their pants and sweaters are! Of course, the worst part about this ad is that the whole thing comes laced with a heavy layer of irony (moms and mom jeans and action guns and heavy music and slow-motion and an aesthetically modern background) and personally, when it comes to child abduction, which I abhor and will always abhor no matter how strong your pro-child abduction argument may be, irony has no place. Child abduction is one of the few things in this world that remains irony-free. Because of how, you know, it is entirely terrible.

A rare miss, Amber Alert Program. (Thanks for the tip, Lindsey.)

Comments (61)
  1. Now I am just confused. Is this PSA telling me to look into and utilize, if necessary, the Amber Alert system, or is it recommending that I buy my mom a machine gun? Because while my mom would do anything in her power to stop child abductions (mother tables is firmly in the anti-abduction camp too!), she has trouble working the DVD player. Giving her a gun might be….problematic.

  2. Hmm, kinda hard to make an ironic comment now, with all this talk about how child abduction should never be ironic. I feel my hands are tied! Jesus, HALP!

    Whew! Thanks, JC.

  3. This is your movie people in this ad

  4. something something silver bullets something werechildren something something shutup chameleon_street

  5. Charlton Heston is so hard right now.

  6. Kid: “Ok – we’ve got Soda, purple stuff and Sunny D…. Ma – we’re runnin’ low on Sunny D, do we have any more down in the basement?”

    Mom: (goes on enraged shooting rampage)

  7. “I ran away from home because my mom refused to stop randomly firing automatic weapons around the house like some sort of menopausal Rambo.”

  8. I’m glad Gabe established his anti- stance on child abduction, as according to this ad men don’t seem to care if their children are abducted.

    I’d joke that these are empowering images, but they are only empowering the ability to cringe.

    • Just the point I was going to make. The subtext of this PSA (OK, one of the many horrifying subtexts of this PSA) is that dads don’t give a shit.

  9. Now this is more like what that cougar video from yesterday should’ve been like.

  10. I really like it. It may not be super clever or appropriate, but I’m all for shooting stuff in slow motion.

  11. Moms have no business using automatic weapons as an attempt to look badass. Exactly when did the K-Mart Spank lose its power?

  12. Best moment, between :55-:56 when the blond mom with twin AKs gets nailed in the head with a shell. That HAD to hurt.

  13. Sooo… for the record: Team No Child Abduction?

  14. You can always tell a Milford man.

  15. I like how this is targeted at moms. Because, knowing my mom, she’d totally be like “Finally… an Amber Alert PSA for the rest of us!” or something like that. Also, boo!

    • i hate to say it you guys, but as a mom(of a beautiful chris farley/regular ole baby girl)…i love this ad! it is for me! gabe, you may hate child abduction but you have no idea how much you would want to be making awkward-mom-gun-faces at just the thought of someone abducting your (chris farley) baby. carry on, amber alert psa.

  16. Did Sleigh Bells do the music for that? I feel better listening to Sleigh Bells now that I know where they stand on child abduction.

  17. Now I fear it will only be a matter of time before some mom who has seen this PSA will suffer from an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound after her Glock slips out of the waistband of her pajama jeans while walking into a Sam’s Club…

  18. You guys, I’m really liking the new music video from The Black Keys.

  19. So, are these women the ones doing the abducting… or….???
    And I find a nice, portable handgun to be a more practical self-defense option, MOM.

  20. Play some old school NWA over that video instead. Rat a tat tat, never hesitate to put a Motha on her baaaaaaaaaack

  21. I have to quote Homer Simpson here: “I believe that children are our future–unless we stop them now.” Clearly, these are moms with a plan.

  22. Amber Alerts don’t even do anything to prevent child abduction! They only kick in after your little one has gone missing. I highly doubt they have any more of a deterrent effect than, say, jail.

  23. That first Mom has the dirtiest shoes.

  24. i think that these ladies couldn’t hit a target if their children lives depended on it, thus encouraging child abduction….also if you don’t need a gun to protect your children you could have save a lot of money on ammo when filming this ad

  25. Sleighs Bells went in a really weird direction with this Infinity Guitars video.

  26. I only associate this Sleigh bells song with being the backing track to Childish Gambino’s “I am Not a Rapper”. I kept expecting some Donald Glover awesomeness to pop up.

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