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Uh oh. Bad news, guys. Megan Fox’s most recent film, Jonah Hex, a big budget Hollywood adaptation of a popular comic book (i.e. HOLLYWOOD SOLID GOLD, 2010) opened dismally last weekend, in eighth place, which might as well be 8,000,000,000th place as far as the Aris Gold are concerned. It only made $5.1 million dollars, which is still so many millions of dollars compared to the number of millions of dollars I’ve ever seen, but not enough millions to be a success, much less to even begin to recoup the nearly $65-million budget. Look at Mr. Cool Business over here! Buy! Sell! But seriously, you guys, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO MEGAN FOX?! Between this Jonah Hex thing and last fall’s Jennifer’s Body flop it is becoming increasingly clear that Megan Fox, despite the hard work of our nation’s hard-brunching puff-profile journalists and Michael Bay’s car, is not a deciding factor in whether or not people spend $12.50 ($12.50!) on a movie. Meanwhile, as we all know, she was fired from Transformers 3 last month. Whoops! (Incidentally, Megan Fox getting fired from Transformers 3 is the equivalent of a college junior getting fired from an internship. “Literally all you had to do was show up, be hot, and keep your mouth shut, and you’d get four million credits.”)
So, now what? Can you make an entire career by saying stupid, boring, obnoxiously calculated shit that dumb people think is “edgy” in magazine interviews? I don’t think you can make an entire career that way. Lord knows, SHE HAS BEEN TRYING. I think the real lesson here is that if a pudgy boy with a lesbian haircut who may or may not be INVESTED WITH SORCERY tries to give you a yellow flower that may or may not be the only thing standing between you and an UNBREAKABLE CURSE, take the flower. Just take the flower you guys. Take it. No big deal. But take the flower.
*I’m not actually worried about Megan Fox.
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She is NOT pretty.
What are you even talking about?
Ewww, shudder. She USED to be pretty. Not no more though
Maybe you’re not quite so bad after all.
(Pat’s Steve Winwood on the back.)
i see what you did there
You know, somebody with a little imagination, a photoshop license, and red carpet pictures of Evangeline Lilly, Marcia Cross and Joan Rivers could really make a funny right about now…
Yeah, like I’m gonna deny that challenge. Why Don’t YOU Caption It?
There is no way this photo is not a direct violation of the 8th Amendment.
That thing scared the shit out of me when I was a child. What is that from?
It’s Madame. You might remember her from Hollywood Squares. I also feel like she was on Johnny Carson about once a week, but maybe that’s just what it felt like to my fragile little mind.
Was she on Mr Rogers neighborhood or electric company or something like that? She still creeps me out. You could make a very creepy low key kind of horror movie with that thing. Not like a modern cgi horror movie but like a somber old school Hitchcock kind of movie with that puppet. Get to work, “duckduck”
PS. Is your last name GOOSE!
I don’t remember if she was on any kids’ shows, but I think she may have been on Laugh In or Hee Haw or something back in the 70′s. I always much preferred Lamb Chop to Madame.
And yes, my stupid username is from that terrifying and exhilarating children’s game. I always seemed to get stepped on, but I still loved it.
She looks like someone blew her up with a bicycle pump.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO plastic surgery is the WORST
I remember Waylon and Madam from “Solid Gold”. They’d show up in between the dancing.
It’s an inadvertent optical illusion, you dolts. A lock of hair obscures her right cheek in a way that perfectly mimics the contours of advanced age, especially the contours of older women with surgical stretchery. Simply cover it with your fingertip to see 15 years fade away. Apart from that, it’s a bad photo of an incredibly sexy and reasonably intelligent though nevertheless clueless Hollywood tool.
I do have to admit that the Madame Puppet shot was good.
You Can Make It Up: Megan Fox Is Worried About Gabe.*
In a shocking move Tuesday, actress Megan Fox shows genuine compassion towards another human being.
*Megan Fox is not worried about Gabe (or anyone).
“She is likely very difficult to work with and her proclivity for running her mouth makes her a liability for any producer, She’s also pretty.”
- Steve Winwood
Wrong. Welcome to the new Monster ball designation Wrongest comment of the week, “Notsewfast”.
Is there a stripper named Megan Fux yet?
A stripper version of Megan Fox seems…redundant.
Megan FuXXX, starring Vin Diesel?
Only if Vin Disel wore those boob tassel things. I’ve also never seen him pole dance…but I have a feeling he’d be good at it. (as the soldier said to the soldier)
I feel like the ultimate Megan Fox imitator name is Megan Faux.
YES I KNOW IT DOESN’T WORK OUT LOUD, SHUT UP.
But if she screamed that every time she introduced herself…comedy.
No worries, guys. TMZ will run a story tonight revealing that Megan Fox has become Lindsay Lohan’s protege. She’ll be back in the graces of stardom in no time.
I can’t wait til Megan comes out with her own line of leggings with padded knees!
I think the lesson here is don’t get horrible portrait tattoos on your forearm.
“People really hate Megan. She’s a really nice girl. She’s just outspoken.” – Academy Award winner Diablo Cody .
The joke here is “Academy Award winner Diablo Cody”, right?
I think we all know the answer to that question. The answer is yes.
I really hope this doesn’t leave theaters before I have a chance to see it.
Not even kidding. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie get such bad reviews. And only 81 minutes? I need it in my eyes. I can only hope it fails as hard as they say.
No one saw Jonah Hex because someone last week leaked Megan Fox’s whole deal, and America doesn’t like actresses who are really 23 people. http://riskybusiness.hollywoodreporter.com/2010/06/10/risky-mailbag-kidnapping-jealousy-and-the-dark-truth-about-megan-fox/
I’m worried about YOU Gabe! There’s a disturbing amount of hyperlinks in this post. We don’t need that much research as evidence that she’s the worst.
As a graduate student, I appreciate the citations.
Is there any constant in this world when generic, featureless, fuckdolls can’t make it?
Yes there is.
Dustin Hoffman??
Megan Fox has a picture of Gabe in her wallet. Not pictured: Optimus Prime.
I got an energon cube in my pants
I’m worried about her too Gabe! Let’s just hope she can return back to the level of accolades and fame she once had with Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and her cameo on What I Like About You (Starring the now-retired, veteran actress Amanda Bynes).
Oh my Baphomet! I am having 4th grade flashbacks right now. I remember seeing her in both those things and as a baby lesbian thinking “She’s pretty. I like her… eyes.” and trying to get my hair the way she did her hair in Confessions and I’m going to shut up now because somehow this is kind of sad.
Don’t worry, it’s much more adorable than sad.
See the way she has those wisps of hair framing her face? I wanted that so much. Too bad I had curly hair.
t-minus 3 movies until she’s naked in some straight-to-dvd tarantino rip-off, then disappears.
I’m not worried about her as her life is an
Oh, when did he drop the Austin? Was that before or after Tiffani Thiessen dropped her Amber?
Poor thing.
“She is, like, so hot to me. She has pretty eyes. I mean great breasts! I would make her a spinach dip in a sourdough bread, if you know what I mean.”
- Adam Hood
i mostly worried about her because she’s engaged to david fuckin’ silver.
I know, he’s been trying to bang Tori Spelling for YEARS
She isn’t pretty
She’s so precious to him. Remember David’s singing career?!
Hey now! Brian Austin Green was hot on that Terminator show! He’s pretty.
Am I the only one who read that article and thought “I wonder what Gabe’s Videogum intern is upto?”
hello, this is hollywood calling.
what is your return policy? oh ok…
well, we have a lightly used megan fox that doesn’t seem to be working properly anymore.
The word for her is “calculated.”
What’s the problem in being a gay? I mean we live in 21st century and still think of the past.
Force Factor
what about her aborted black baby?!?