Photos
Last week, in the comments, someone pointed out the part where Jessica uses her Blackberry to look up ANCIENT NAZI WEREWOLF RUNES, or whatever, on her ANCIENT NAZI WEREWOLF RUNES APP. That, like almost everything on this show, was so ridiculous. I only mention it now to illustrate a point, which is that there is so much stupid on this show, some of it is going to fall through the stupid cracks. So please accept my apology in advance if I miss something in these recaps. I am only one man! One adult man. Feeling very alone in a world of adults who seem to think this show is acceptable. ANYHOW, this week’s episode opens with Vampire Bill fucking up some werewolves in the woods. You know, television show stuff. Suddenly, a man in polo gear (not to be confused with Polo gear) rides up on a horse and tells the werewolves to relax. At which point, Bill turns to him and starts calling him “your majesty.” Oh good, a new character, and a king at that. You can say what you will about this show, but you could never argue that it doesn’t not have too many characters, each more ridiculous than the last. It turns out the king was the one who hired (commanded? Am I seriously going to spend even three seconds of my life trying to remember whether this Vampire King of Mississippi employs or commands werewolves?) the werewolves to kidnap Bill. “Your majesty, you had me ABDUCTED…by WEREWOLVES?!” Bill says, incredulous. Make that two of us who are incredulous! That was a line of dialog on a TV show for adults in the year 2010! “Your majesty, you had me ABDUCTED…by WEREWOLVES?!” Unbelievable.
Meanwhile, Tara tried to commit suicide and Lafayette, the fool, stopped her. God damn it, Lafayette! We were so close! Tara is seriously the black Kate no joke. “Shoot her, please!” is a sentence equally applicable to both. Lafayette tells her to fucking grow up and realize that life is hard for everyone, which is actually pretty solid advice, but I still wish he would have just let her take those pills. Just because life is so hard it’s painful (TWSS) doesn’t mean watching this show has to be. It is small comfort, but at least in the Sideways Universe in Bizarro Bon Temps, we know that Tara is dead.
Sookie sees a werewolf in the woods. Sookie goes to Vampire Eric (I can already tell that even just typing the sentences required to DESCRIBE what happens on this show is going to drain the very life from my body, or at the very least, my dignity as a grown up) and asks him for help in finding Bill. Eric makes Jessica wait in the bathroom.
He takes a trip down memory lane to World War II when he and Godric (Godric!) were posing as Nazi officers (uh….) to find out who controlled the Nazi Werewolves. OH BROTHER. Also, shame on them for bringing Godric back. I actually liked Godric. I mean, for whatever that is worth. We are still talking about True Blood. But the actor was compelling, or whatever. But if you’re going to kill off a character, KILL OFF THE CHARACTER. Bringing them back the next season in flashbacks is just such a lazy attempt to appeal to viewers. BE A MAN, TRUE BLOOD. Take Lafayette’s advice. Life is hard. Grow up and deal with it.
Seriously, though, why were Vampire Eric and Godric posing as the SS? “We would do anything it took to find out who the werewolves were working for.” Sure. Although, aren’t you immortal beings with the strength of a hundred men who live their undead lives under the shadowy cover of eternal night? Something tells me with your magical powers and a LITTLE IMAGINATION, you could have DONE WITHOUT THE SS UNIFORMS.
Meanwhile, his majesty has had Bill ABDUCTED…by…WEREWOLVES! Now Bill is locked in some guest room on a plantation. The king of Mississippi just wants to talk to him over a dinner of blood bisque (ugh) and BLOOD GELATO (Tara, where are those pills?). It has something to do with the King of Mississippi (sure) wanting to marry (marry?) the Queen of Louisiana (fuck me), and needing Bill’s help to do so. What on Earth? I honestly don’t understand what is going on in these scenes. Excuse me for not understanding the back-room machinations of VAMPIRE POLITICS. Eventually, though, Lorena shows up, and Bill throws an oil lamp in her face! In slow motion she catches on fire and falls into the hallway and they…just…cut to the next scene? Oh OK. I’ve never been to a Vampire Dinner Party at a Vampire King’s House, so maybe the part where a Vampire Woman in Riding Slacks gets set on FIRE with a hurled oil lamp is just part of it.
Sam finds his family. Who fucking cares. He and his brother take off their pants and become dogs and go running in the woods. That is a straight-forward sentence describing something that happened on a TV show with no jokes in it whatsoever.
They should have just shot Sam when they had the chance.
As a rule, everyone on this show should be shot if anyone ever gets the opportunity to shoot them. I just want to get on my walkie-talkie every time. “Take the shot!”
Jason Stackhouse gets drunk with Andy Bellefleur and then catches a meth head. I don’t know. How many people am I supposed to keep track of? Arlene is pregnant. Jessica rents a chainsaw to cut up a dead body. Hoyt. The guy at the crazy person’s home that Lafayette has a crush on now. Terry. The Sheriff. That lady from the vampire bar, Pam. Should I be taking notes? How many notebooks do I need for each episode? Should I just get a separate notebook for each character? OK, so, 400 notebooks, then? Vampire Eric comes over to Sookie’s house and asks to be invited in so that he can “protect” her. “Or we can have, like, a ton of sex,” he says. Immortality can’t buy you class, I guess.
Immortality can, however, buy you a ton of graphic tees.
The episode ends with a couple of open-ended plotlines, the open ends of which will be resolved, as always, within the first five minutes of next week’s episode. Seriously, this show is the worst about pretending like there is any sustainable dramatic tension that won’t just be written off immediately. “Bill has been abducted! Where could he be?! Oh, he is right here.” “Eric and Sookie get attacked by a werewolf! I bet they’re going to be…yup…relax, everybody, they’re completely fine.” One thing is not left unresolved, though, and that is how awful Tara is. On the question of how awful Tara is, no more waiting, we have our answer: she is the worst.
GET YOUR FEET OFF THE BAR, YOU CUNT. She meets a vampire and he is like “What are you doing?” and she is like “To be honest, trying not to kill myself.” OH PLEASE STOP TRYING! Tara, follow your heart! I hate you so much! Next week: the vampire fucks her. Nazis. Werewolves. “Cool, I will watch this again.” — adults, apparently.
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“His name was EGGS, you racist son of a bitch”
Oh god, that line made me choke with laughter. That, and “You’re about to be deader, you dead-ass motherfucker.”
My favourite was when Sookie said Bill would come in and call her “Sookeh”
That was SO FUNNY!
Ok… So Erik is bleach-blond, brooding, has questionable loyalties and an unwelcome obsession with the leading lady?
Why do I feel like I’ve seen this before?
Also.
Maybe not “bleach” blonde, but try telling that to the lawyers.
Edward Cullen is a pussy though. And Alexander Skarsgard is way hotter than James Marsters.
Yeah, the fact that James Marsters isn’t British kinda ruined him for me. Alexander Skarsgard? SWEDISH. AND he was Minkus in Zoolander. As much as I prefer Buffy to True Blood (IMMENSELY), it’s obvious who the winner is.
(That being said, Spike is a way better character than Eric.)
Dance Minkus Dance
Why the f*ck dont any of my gifs work anymore? It was there a minute ago. What the hell lawnmower man
It was funny guys
Gangy, I know how you feel. I posted a Tobias “Excuuuuuuse Me” gif last week and it didn’t show up and my post got sent to Downvotesville.
Spike and Eric are both way cool characters. Cooler than lovesick Bill.
That thing that wrote the twilight books ripped off the Sookie books anyway so skeezy Edward Dullen is a cheap rip of Eric anway.
NOT that im totally obsessed by the Sookie books or anything *cough*
my boyfriend used to mock me mercilessly for being so into buffy, but then last night we got to the bar early for the treme season finale (and there better be an open thread about that today, jeez) and sat thru true blood. and his opinion of buffy shifted. slightly.
i’m going to get fired from my job for nose-laughing at these recaps.
No doubt. These recaps almost make me want to actually watch this show. Okay, no they don’t, but I do like the recaps a lot.
“watching True Blood is suffering”
Buddha
“my nickname is the eightfold path”
-jason stackhouse’s penis
Tara isn’t the worst, for two reasons. One, she was actually entertaining in the first season. And two, Tara’s mom is SUPER the worst. I hate that character more than wertrew hates “Amelia”.
Tara has been wicked awful of late though.
Tara’s mom treated Tara ‘The Worst’ Thornton terribly though, which obviously makes her the best? Not the worst? Right?
I don’t know. I mean, Tara’s mom is basically the reason that Tara is the worst, so she’s, like, the Worst Creator.
Lettie Mae is The Worst’s maker. She’s the Godric of Worsts.
how about the minstrel music whenever the king showed up? and lorena’s jockey outfit?
was the drawer full of sookie newspaper clippings and photos in her house or bill’s? why does the cowboy boot wearing vampire need to rifle through these things?
The music on this show is on par with the ridiculousness of the story lines. It is my favorite tv show music. If I could make the “Beeill and Sookeh” suite into a ringtone, I would.
I also noticed the secret drawer with the dosier on Sookie — in what I’m pretty sure was Bill’s house. Why does Bill have that?!?!
I think I may have an answer to that, but this may be a spoiler. It’s in the books, but I don’t know what this show is gonna do with it. Since they change a lot.
as much as i hate being confused by a ridiculous show, i hate spoilers more. thank you for not just blurting it out.
I think the WORST fucking part of the music is that THEY NAME EVERY FUCKING EPISODE AFTER A SONG THAT WAS IN IT. And then you’ll watch it just get really fucking stupid, like last season they named one “Hard-Hearted Hannah”?!! NO. ANY IDIOT WOULD GET WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY, BUT THERE IS NO ONE NAMED HANNAH IN THIS SHOW, THAT DOESN’T WORK, FIND ANOTHER TITLE, BE MORE CREATIVE.
Doesn’t Grey’s anatomy also do that?
Well-funded werewolves. The scariest werewolves there is.
Wasn’t the Sam Merlotte Side story line just the worst? “Oh, I’m gonna go through all this trouble to find my family then be all, Oh I don’t know how family works and I’m not ready to have a family…” What a clown. Nevermind the whole let’s get naked and run through the woods with my brother whom i have never met thing. I guess that’s just what a dog do, though.
And super LOL at Blood Gelato
Every “course” at that “dinner” made me laugh harder. True Blood walks such a fine line between total camp and Serious Business.
Do you think they sniffed each others’ butts? I hope so.
The way I see it, Sam Merlotte is True Blood’s Rufus Humphrey.
Oh, do you hate him too? Because I CAN’T FUCKING STAND HIM.
Gabe’s breaking out the c-word again! That’s how you know he’s MAD.
Yeah, but she was just asking for it- putting her shoes up on the table like that!
WOMEN.
This show got too meta for me this week (versus just being so ridiculous that I laugh uncontrollably and that is why I love it) when Sookie quoted Bill as calling her “Sookeh.” Like I felt like that was a joke that should have gone on the gag reel at the wrap party.
How about when Bill said, “your name is cuddor?” then looked at the camera like Office Jim. The ridiculous nature of the plots are not being exaggerated by the show. The books are just as ridiculous. The WTF possibilities are endless.
I think his name was Cooter- even more ridics.
I don’t even know as many people as this show has characters.
i know you are only just one adult man, but no mention of “…stay tuned for a special Sookie tribute song by Snoop Dogg” or whatever super serious intro it was?
My DVR (yep, i guess i did DVR True Blood) only recorded half the song, because i guess my DVR is more of an adult than me. But the song’s entire existence is mind blowing…
you don’t read the videogum much anymore, do you?
shit. guess i’m out of the loop. thanks, DS3M. please disregard.
ANWR= ancient Nazi werewolf runes.
Uh, there are so many things wrong with this.
Mmm, werewolves don’t do runes, they shed and steal chickens.
Nazi’s want to read runes, but, like, they always get all face-melting and stuff.
Ancient runes, um, shit, runes are not all that old, Norse runes were used because
vikings were to busy fucking and fighting(don’t forget the slaving!) to pick up a fucking
pen. LOTR has some cool dwarvish runes, because JRR Tolken was nutty as a fruitcake,
he made all that shit up.
My inner geek had to set the record strait, or something!
Though, If there was a ANWR app, and I had a phone that could take these ‘apps’ I would
runnnnnnnn to the apps store and get it.
I love reading these recaps, almost as much as I love the show, but sometimes they remind me of Lizzie Caplan’s (True Blood Alumna!) Andy Rooney impression:
“Things that make people happy make me grumpy!” – Gabe (and Andy Rooney)
You can tell this was a quality episode by how much giggling it caused its viewers to do. To wit: a whole fucking lot. So much giggling.
UGH and what the fucking HELL was with that dumbass vampire champagne!?!?!! “Sparkling blood, notice the citrus notes! The guy ate only oranges for months!” and all the vampire connaisseurs are like “I BETTER TAKE NOTES.” Once the gelato came out I was like, BARF. WE KNOW YOU’RE FANCY VAMPIRES. NORMAL PEOPLE AREN’T GOING TO IMITATE YOUR VAMPIRE CUISINE.
i can say with certainty that people will in fact imitate the vampire cuisine. oh wait, you said normal people. ok you’re right.
“I went to my good friend Mario Batali for tips on recreating this vampire feast for your next dinner party.
“First, you need a Thai boy.”
What the hell was with it was, “HEY AUDIENCE HAVE YOU TRIED TRUE BLOOD: THE SODA YET?”
I got this email from a wine shop about 5 minutes after reading this post. I say we have a Videogum party there.
Kwality! In multiple Kountries!
The multifaceted megastar of ‘I Love New York 2′ and ‘Hell Date’ Buddha is disappointed in his non-inclusion in this recap. He did a lot of work with the closing of Bill’s death door.
true story. i went to school with brothers named godric and beowulf. their father, who worked the photo counter at the local longs, was rumored to be a nazi. one of the brothers went on to be a producer for michael savage (yuck!). the other one dropped out of the marines and became a huge stoner. i always liked him better.
I knew an Oden in high school and his dad’s name was Thor. I really wish Oden was an awesome black metal dude, but instead he had floppy blonde hair and played lacrosse.
I wanna give a shout out to Pam. That bitch doesn’t care about anything. She’s kinda awesome.
I watched the first two episodes of this series and I decided that I am not old enough to watch it. I’m also not retarded enough. For reference, I am 26 and a 10-year-old Dakota Fanning once pretended to not understand a word that she clearly understood for the sole benefit of not making me feel dumb. It was because I’m her father, thats why.
I re-watched the episode with my roommate and I totally forgot about when Sookie gets out of the car in the Merlotte’s parking lot and she hears the thoughts of that one werewolf dude in the woods and he’s all like, “Grab her, knock her out, get back in time to watch LET’S MAKE A DEAL”
WHAT?
I love these recaps, but I can never understand why Gabe has so much trouble suspending his belief. All stories are made up! By definition! It doesn’t matter if it is about some regular guy, or a vampire. Fiction is not real. It is okay to enjoy stories about fantastical creatures!
Yeah…sometimes he’s hilarious. Sometimes he sounds like a baby.
And don’t you just love how Jessica immediately knows where to look on the net for ancient runes, and the implication that these ancient mystical things are meaningful to vampires and they know about stuff like that…and meanwhile she doesn’t even know enough about being a vampire to know what to do with a body when you accidentally drink too much of someone’s blood and kill them. Totally consistent and reasonable…