The Smurfs teaser trailer, you guys:

Look, I’m an adult. And this movie was not made for adults. Even an adult who used to love the Smurfs, and as a child had a velvet Crown Royal bag where he kept all his Smurfs figurines, and considered this velvet bag of Smurfs figurines to be one of his prized possessions along with his tin Band-Aid box full of buttons (no kiddo), and who learned at some young age that the The Smurfs were originally called Les Schtroumpfs, and had his mind blown that a thing could be perceived entirely differently by different human beings, some of whom correctly believed that Smurfs were Smurfs and some of whom lived shadowy deluded lives believing that Smurfs were Schtroumpfs, and probably bragged about this fact to kids at school, who probably continued to not believe him and to hate him even more now than they did before, which was plenty, even an adult like that (it could be any adult, really, we will never know which adult it was) will see this trailer and feel NOTHING. It’s a movie for kids. As the great Cheese once said, “ain’t no nostalgia to this shit here.”

But that leaves us with a question: who IS this movie for?

Because kids don’t know what the Smurfs are, do they? Kids in 2010 (and certainly kids in Summer 2011) do not know what that is. “Can I download it to my Razr Scooter?” Luckily, of course, this movie features lots of cool-fresh hip hop beats dat are da bomb. Also, though, going back to the part where kids, the core audience for whom this movie is intended, have no idea what this movie is fucking talking about: isn’t New York traditionally the setting for a sequel, after you have established the alternative world in which tiny blue creatures exist and are real? There is a long tradition of children’s movie sequels set in New York: The Muppets Take Manhattan. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Friday the 13th Part VII. You see, it is important to actually establish the characters as a thing the audience KNOWS ABOUT before you let them loose in the city. Otherwise, it isn’t “look at the Smurfs riding around on a taxi cab.” It’s “look at those blue rats riding around on a taxi cab. Those are blue rats, right? This movie should be called Rats in the Hats!” And I have a follow up question:

How come in the opening montage of world monuments turning blue, only Abraham Lincoln’s head turns blue on Mount Rushmore? That is the weirdest part of this whole trailer, and this is a trailer about Smurfs!

Whatever. I don’t care. This movie isn’t for me. And I don’t own any Smurfs stock (SMUF). I hope all the kids cry because they’re so confused. Crybabies who don’t know anything.

Comments (78)
  1. Godsauce, we want answers.

  2. Smurf Happens
    You got Smurf’d


  3. We get THIS and still no talk of a Pepper Ann movie? Boo! Hissss!

  4. In Italy, smurfs are called Puffo. I only know this because I discovered a delicious gelato there also called Puffo, and when I went to internet to see what the flavor was supposed to be, I learned that I was consuming pure essence of Smurf. And it was delicious.

  5. Gabe, Age 9:

  6. Well, at least we only have to wait for next summer. I was worried I’d have to choose between this and Inception.

  7. This trailer just Smurf’d all over my childhood. In 3-D.

  8. The voice actors in this one are a real head scratcher: NPH, Hank Azaria, John Oliver, BJ Novak, Jayma Mays, Jonathan Winters . . . fair enough. Katy Perry (as Smurfette) and Jeff Foxworthy . . . woof!

    • Does Jonathan Winters even have an earthly body anymore? Isn’t he just a disembodied voice, floating in the ether, doing Old Lady and Western Sheriff voices for eternity? Just kidding, J-Dub. Love ya!

  9. Paul Reubens? Where? Oh, that Paul Reubens. I thought you were referring to Peter Paul Rubens with that tag. And since Neil Patrick Harris looked like he could be in a museum, I was going to indulge in my penchant for surreptitiously luring at nude figures.

    Hmm, Pee-Wee has more in common (than mere nomenclatural) with his namesake than first glance would suggest.

  10. Smurfy smurf and then smurf but smurf smurfy smurf, right?

  11. I hope this trend of turning 80′s cartoons into terrifying semi-realistic nightmare CGI creature 3D movies continues until at least Hollywood gets around to The Snorks. The unspeakable terror this would bring to America might just be the catalyst we need to start over and form a more culturally and naturally sustainable society. After our hearts and minds are literally liquefied by the ghastly sight of semi-realistic nightmare Snorks, we will have no choice but to start anew.

  12. For me, this trailer is the closest I can get to making myself watch German porn.

  13. Don’t get caught out after Smurfew!
    They gotta defend their home Smurf!
    Try the Smurf and turf!
    It’s SMURF or NOTHIN’!
    Time for a Smurformance review!
    Try the surf and Smurf!

    Paycheck, please.

  14. Why is it that all cartoon as movie re-launches use the song “Wild Thang”? Don’t they know that song is about hard core f***ing?

  15. According to Wikipedia, “Smurfing” can be used to refer to a banking crime, a network attack, or a form of “griefing” in video games. The funny thing is, that’s probably what Smurfs would call these actions, too.

  16. True nerds only know of “smurfing” in this context:

  17. The Eiffel Tower looks better in Smurf blue.

  18. Gabe, I think you misquoted that Smurf and found it to be inappropriate. Also, the target audience for this film is not the Senate. It is the House. There is a very big difference.

  19. Lincoln turned blue because he was secretly a Smurf plant in Washington DC, just like Garfield, McKinley and JFK. All assassinated presidents were Smurfs. All the assassins were part of a secret order dedicated to eradicating the Smurfs’ sway over Man; The Guild of Gargamel.

  20. I just blue myself. -Tobias Funke

  21. Hey Yuelicia. You and Missly12 should d o u b l e d a t e with your o l d e r and i n t e r r a c i a l boyfriends, because it would be c a a a r a a a z a a y ! LOL!

  22. A homeless guy told me the other day that I look pretty in blue. I think that means I got Smurf’d.

  23. God, I hate those ironic movie trailers. “Get ready, for something BIG!” GET IT?!?! BECAUSE SMURFS ARE SO SMALL! LOLOLOLOL!!!

  24. Smurfs: Make the Biggest Little Mistake In Your Life in the Movie Theater.

  25. Gargamel better make an appearance or I’ll be pissed!

  26. there must be some sort of hollywood conspiracy to make sure Tone Loc never goes broke.

  27. Am I the only person of a certain age who hated hated HATED the Smurfs? My friends all loved them and I never understood their appeal.

  28. Those computer visual effects were AWESOME !!11!!!. I wonder how they got the Eiffel Tower to look so realistically blue? Cramazing.

  29. Is it just me or are CGI characters getting worse in visual quality? I mean, the bar was already so low.

  30. Of course, we all know that Friday the 13th part VII was actually The New Blood (the cheesy one with the stupid paintball scene and everybody’s named after horror directors. Funny! Whatever!) and Jason didn’t Take Manhattan until the 8th film. By then, New Line took over the franchise from Paramount and could no longer use the title “Friday the 13th”. That’s why all films subsequent to Part 7 incorporate the name ‘Jason’ as opposed to “Friday the 13th”

    “I am the only one who cares about this” – me

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