perez_jail

Earlier this week, Perez Hilton posted upskirt photos of Miley Cyrus exiting a car, possibly without any underwear on, on his fun and interesting celebrity news blog. He was immediately criticized because of the part where Miley Cyrus is only 17-years-old, and he quickly took the post down (or hired his sister to take it down. Since she was the one who put it up in the first place. The point I’m making is dude doesn’t even write that garbage site anymore, he just IS garbage). In the wake of all this, the media is now suggesting that Perez Hilton might face jail time on child pornography charges because it is illegal to post photos of children (and let us not forget, Miley Cyrus is a child, no matter how many summer punk jamz she puts out). Oh man, could you imagine? Rarely do people who should go to jail actually go to jail. Perez Hilton going to jail would be the best thing since Joe Francis went to jail!

In response to all of this, Perez Hilton has posted the following miserable, unwatchable video:

Yikes! Someone should have told him that it’s never smart to be your own defense counsel. At the very least someone should have told him to rest his case. This guy! What a terrible guy! Look, the fact that he’s insufferable is barely his fault. God makes us in all shapes and sizes, and some of those shapes and sizes are total crap. But what is this video? Obviously, it’s not an apology, which isn’t surprising. “Asshole is as asshole does” — Morrest Lump. But if his argument is that it is OK to have posted those photos because she was wearing underwear (although I think in terms of child pornography litigation, the UNDERWEAR IS NOT THE KEY ISSUE) and because “she’s almost 18 anyway” (Perez Hilton, Attorney at LOL), then why wouldn’t you leave the photos up? Oh right, because you are a spineless coward. And because you’re making all of this up as you go along. That’s why. I forgot.

I know there is a very solid argument to be made for not giving horrible attention goblins the attention that they so desperately crave. I know that these Gollums feed off of negative energy, just like the sewer sludge in Ghostbusters 2, and that ideally we could starve them to death (“it’s going to take a little longer with this one!”) by simply ignoring them.

But also sometimes you just have to face the facts head on, and say “There are other people who live in this world. We also have a say in this.” Sometimes you have to cross the streams. (Call back!) (Go to jail, Perez Hilton!)

(Video via HollywoodReporter. You didn’t think anyone connected to this site actually visits PerezHilton.livejournal.com did you?)

Comments (72)
  1. Idea: Let’s use Perez Hilton to plug the oil hole.

  2. Can we start an official Videogum enemy list? Not people who annoy us Like Nic Cage, I’m talking full on enemies like Osama Bin Laden, Bernie Madoff, Tony Hayward, Perez Hilton and Roman Polanski. Also, this post needed that deer palate cleanser more than the Obama post.

  3. “Perez Hilton belongs in jail.”
    -Gabe’s sister

    • This an absolutely perfect representation of what I felt watching this.

      WE SHOULDN’T EVEN BE TALKING ABOUT THIS. THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT WANTS.

  4. PH ain’t going to jail. They’ll put a SCRAM bracelet on him to monitor his douchbagness while awaiting conclusion of a trial where he gets fined like $5 and some pocket lint. Celebrities, they are not just like us when it comes to legal matters.

    • Ugh, are we really putting him in “celebrity” category?

      • One of the radio stations in Chicago had a “contest” to win a chance to hang out with Perez Hilton at some show. I thought at the time, who ever enters is going to win because only one person will enter as a joke but then the joke will be on them when they win.

        Seriously, who would want that “prize”?

  5. Jail might be good for him. Just think of all the juicy gossip he would be exposed to in jail!

  6. Hey, did you guys see the trailer for the new Legend of Zelda game yesterday? It was so awesome!

    • Hey! Listen! (to this guy, because it is SO awesome).

    • You, sir, have saved my day, my life. If you ever need a body hidden, ever need a lift from anywhere to anywhere, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, if you ever need someone to post bail for you, if you ever need someone to walk your dog during lunch because you just can’t make it home from work that that day, if you ever need a blowjob, if you ever need help finding an apartment or a job, if you ever need someone killed for you, if you…what I’m saying is if you ever need anything ever, I’m your guy.

    • That was definitely a palate cleanser after watching Perez being awful. Too bad there is no way I can afford a Wii!

    • This looks so good! Thanks Josh!

    • This looks so good! Thanks Josh! On a similar note, they’re remaking Goldeneye, one of the best games of all time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6keBAHu5d-E (I don’t know how to hyperlink)

      • I teared up. I seriously had just been thinking, Is it worth it to get the Wii just for the new Zelda? Now this comes out…it’s so worth it.

        • I’m meeting my housemate during lunch to jump up and down in a fountain in uncontrolable excitement.

          Burlington Monster(s), it’s the fountain filled with the most diseases, you know which one I’m talking about.

          • Is it the one in the drug park? Does that one even have water in it? Be careful, pt, I don’t need you vomiting on the sidewalk in front of my house later today.

          • Of course by drug park you mean City Hall park, and yes, yes it does have water in it. I also deduce by your fear of vomit on the sidewalk in front of your house, you live in the Old North End.

          • Not yet, but close. I am currently in the S Burlington/Champlain College ghetto, hence the vomit (those kids need to learn to drink, seriously). Was planning on moving to the ONE in September based on the preferences of my future roommate. Although I was hoping to move away from the vomit, not towards it. Perhaps she will reconsider…

            I dislike City Hall park only because it is always full of hostile local types, and every time I use it as a shortcut (and it is a very convenient short cut, you must exist), I feel like everyone is shooting “you don’t belong here” at me with their eyes. And I know that. I DON’T belong there. But it is just so convenient.

          • Don’t fear the ONE or be swayed away; it’s a great place. Sure, you’re a little more likely to be hassled, but you’re also in for more fun and making friends who live around the corner, and you get to see great things, like how last Tuesday night, out for a walk with friends, we saw what looked to be a kite flying near powerlines, but who flies a kite in a neighborhood, on a Tuesday night? A hacking, tottering, drunk Northender wearing Budweiser t-shirt, that’s who.

            Also, have no fear in City Hall Park. Yes, it’s a convenient short cut, and yes, those must exist, and yes, hostile local types hang out there, but they are only ever hostile to each other (unless you are Mike, or they mistake you for Mike and on night when you are walking home late they start threatening you and yelling at you, no matter how much you insist that you aren’t Mike). I read there every day at lunch and have never had a problem, except for when I got in a huge argument with the crazy, mean singing lady, but that was only because she was singing about how Nazis and Jews are gay lovers and I had had enough. Somehow that turned into an argument about her piss-poor understanding of Sartre and Existentialism, along with a disturbingly accurate deconstruction of my personality by her that shook me for a few weeks. But it’s a great place and everyone belongs there!

            I don’t want to suggest an actual meet-up because the Internet is creepy and real life is scary, but sometimes, when I’m walking with friends and somehow I end up talking about Videogum, I talk a little louder, wondering if I’ll be overheard.

          • This exchange and that story are perfect examples of why I keep returning to both this site and Burlington.

            Real life is terrifying, and I’m sure that you would either hate me (I’m the worst) or it would turn out that we know each other IRL and that would be so awkward and nothing would ever be the same again anywhere.

            That being said, Thursdays in Oakledge are a great time to see a bunch of adults play some kickball and act like children. And it’s clearly the best place to talk loudly about Videogum.

      • Goldeneye came out when I was in college and I used to pay with my roommate who played the game so much that when he killed you he knew where you would reanimate, so he would just go there and wait to kill you again. Needless to say, I grew to hate that game, despite its awesomeness

  7. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  8. I don’t know, usually when a gossip blogger addresses their audience, I judge the video based on how many hilarious screen caps I can get from it. I couldn’t find anything in this video that could top this:

    Learn from the best Perez! Tila is totally winning (losing)!

    (Also, I will never get tired of posting this picture).

  9. I actually apologized to myself for watching that video.

    • I wanted to apologize to the guy who is sitting behind me in the student union. Luckily, I think he’s asleep, but I was really concerned the whole time that he was watching over my shoulder and judging me.

  10. This is kind of like getting Al Capone for tax evasion. Perez Hilton is a cretin, but posting that HILARIOUSLY photoshopped picture is on the low end of the spectrum. (I saw a censored version, so you can’t tell me to go to jail.)

  11. Dre does not approve.

  12. Aww man, why did I watch that? If I don’t comment for a while, it’s because I’m in the bathroom scrubbing my eyeballs with Brillo pads and crying.

  13. “Perez Hilton gonna be missing … period.”

    - Jamie Foxx

  14. We should waterboard Perez Hilton with children’s tears. (Tear-boarding?)

  15. Your boyfriend took an underage picture of you, posted it on the internet and then made an annoying video about it?…sounds about right.

  16. <img src="“>

    • what’s worse than showing everyone your lack of html skills by posting the above comment? not knowing how to delete it afterwards… :)

  17. Port of Call is not annoying.

  18. Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr., The new face of the Latin Kings

  19. Ugh, I lost my blog virginity to Perez HIlton – before a “friend” told me about him I was forced to check out the MSN homepage for my gossip news (baby monsters are all like “WHAT IS THAT LANGUAGE SHE IS SPEAKING???”) The fact that this CREATURE was my first makes me feel soooooooo awful and dirty that I feel compelled to pay penance via public (VG) confession.

  20. Wait, I just downvoted this, but maybe we should rethink this comment. Maybe yue.chloe is being, however inadvertently, completely on topic with some social satire here…..

    Who cares!!!

  21. I can’t even look at the STILL on that video, I am sure as FUCK not going to press play. Cannot wait for the part of the trial where his lawyer says “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is THIS the face of a child pornographer?” and the jury is all “BURN HIM, BURN HIM AT THE STAKE, HANGING IS TOO GOOD FOR HIM.”

    I’m going to close this window now, without scrolling up.

  22. Perez still has a website? Do you need an AOL account to visit it?

  23. I work at a rather large tech company, who’s claim to fame is a search engine, in which I monitor and take down cases involving child pornography. I’ve noticed a recent incline of photos that contain Miley Cyrus. Is this fucking assclown the reason why? Thank you, Perez “This is why Fred Phelps hates homosexuals” Hilton. I’m missing game seven cause of your dumb philistine ass.

  24. He talks to the camera like an insecure, tween with too much baby fat, that is forced to wear head-gear to school forever.

    If he should go to jail for something, it should be for poaching stories from videogum. 75% of videogum stories end up on perezhilton.com. not the big celebrity ones that everyone knows about, the random little web ones. I know viral video is a party for the public, but it has been a little too suspicious the last month or so.

  25. I like how his argument is that posting upskirt photos on the Internet is totally OK if a) she’s wearing underwear and b) she’s at least 18. No violation of privacy here, no sir! Why, if she wanted people to NOT stick cameras up her crotch, she should have worn pants!

    There’s this photo somewhere on the Internet of Emma Watson walking down the sidewalk on her 18th birthday, surrounded by crouching photographers all hoping for a flash of vaj now that it’s legal for them to sell it. I’ve tried to find it, but surprisingly, Googling “emma watson upskirt” doesn’t bring it up.

    Sorry. As a dame who goes out in public wearing skirts, upskirting creeps me out whether she’s 17 or not.

  26. When he started the video with “A fake controversy that the MEDIA is talking about…” all I could think was:

    Perez Hilton for Sarah Palin 2012

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