Photos
Oh man. This show. It is BACK. All our old pals! Sookie and Bill and Tara. I PRACTICALLY FORGOT ABOUT TARA. It seems impossible, now, of course, since all my old Tara wounds are itching like crazy. Here’s a quick poll: is Tara the worst character in the history of characters? Wow, that was fast! 100 percent of respondents say YES. She is seriously the worst. She’s like the black Kate, except with less love triangles and more screaming. I fully expect Tara to reveal herself as an expert tracker this season. Anyway, we pick up right where we left off last season: in tears, covered in our own vomit. As you may recall, Sookie and Vampire Bill were out for a romantic dinner at a restaurant where Bill was about to propose to her, but then she went to the bathroom and someone kidnapped him using a silver necklace. In the run-up to this season, there were posters and advertisements asking “Where is Bill?” and “What happened to Bill?!” Oh my gosh, you guys, I am on the edge of my coffin (get it?) waiting to find out where he could beee!!!!!! Billllllllll!
Oh, wait, he’s just in the backseat of some car with some stupid assholes:
He escapes almost immediately. What is this, Heroes?
Meanwhile, everyone is talking to each other in incredibly stilted expository dialogue in order to catch us up on what happened last season. I guess it is useful? Although I don’t really care. As long as everyone on this show is heading headlong into oblivion, what came before is of little importance. But, so, I guess Andy Bellefleur shot Eggs in the head? Or Jason shot him? The important thing is that SOMEONE shot Eggs in the head. Anyhow, the two of them are trying to get their stories straight, and the whole thing is so stressful that Jason is having trouble maintaining an erection! Jason! Can you believe it! He usually doesn’t have any problem maintaining an erection whatsoever!
Meanwhile, Tara is being an asshole and everyone is like “Oh, you don’t understand, she just lost the man she loved.” Uh, so? I mean, yes, of course, losing the man you love can definitely lead to some emotional outbursts or whatever, but Tara was always an asshole. I have never seen Tara be anything other than a total asshole. It seems like at this point people would be used to it? “We live in a world of vampires, maenads, shapeshifters, and now werewolves, but what REALLY surprises us is the emotional instability of a woman who has always been deeply emotionally unstable.” Sure, Bon Temps.
Incidentally, both Sookie and Tara have scenes in which they complain to the police that the police aren’t taking their sadness and/or concern over a lost/missing loved one seriously enough and there are going to be consequences if the police don’t get more emotional about all of this. Haha. Relax, ladies. Even in a world of mythical creatures and metaphors for sex in the AIDS-era populated by people with comically bad “southern” accents, that is simply not how the criminal justice system works.
Sam is trying to find his birth parents. Good luck, Sam! Have you tried the edge of the cliff? I think they are just past the edge of that cliff. At the very least, you should definitely drive over that cliff and see if they are there, just in case.
But the big news has something to do with, like, Vampire Corruption at the Highest Vampire Levels. The Queen (LOL, still) comes to see Eric along with “The Magister” (I AM AN ADULT, HBO!) who is concerned about the illegal distribution of V. You know, I am willing to accept…well, wait, no, let me not say anything I am going to regret…I recognize the right of children and adults to be endlessly fascinated by vampires for whatever reason, but why do all of these books and movies and shows go so deeply into the governmental beaurocracy of mythical creatures that don’t exist? “You know what is really sexy? The internecine disputes of regional officials.” Also, FUN FACT: Vampires use BlueTooth:
(Also, in this scene, the magister says something to the effect of Vampire Blood being sacred and for “procreation” only. So where this show began with Vampires as Heavy-Handed Metaphor for Homosexuals, now they are doing a 180 and Vampires are a Heavy-Handed Metaphor for Focus on the Family? Perfect. Perfect show.) So I guess the Queen (hahahahhaha) and Eric are in league together selling Vampire Blood through Lafayette at Sam Merlotte’s (small world, literally), and they need to get rid of it and also Bill knows they are doing this and that is why Eric had him kidnapped by Mississippi Werewolves? Should I be taking notes? Hey, Alan Ball, do I need a notebook to watch this stupid fucking show that is so stupid?
On the first page of my new True Blood notebook, I will write the word “Butts” and underline it and then I will keep track of how many butts are in this show.
So, I don’t know, whatever, Sookie wants to find Bill. Andy Bellefleur has finally erased any goodwill I had towards Chris Bauer. R.I.P. Frank Sabotka, 4ever. Sam meets a dude at a gas station who is definitely going to be an Dude of Some Minor Importance, because what this show definitely needs is MORE CHARACTERS. Also Sam is gay for Bill now.
Tara takes some pills in the bathroom, but Lafayette rescues her. Boo, Lafayette! I used to like you! Bill gives an old lady $100. WEREWOLF TATTOOS. Eric likes to have angry speed sex for six hours. Gross. He also still says stuff like “I am duty bound to find Bill, even if I want what he has.” Give it a rest! You are 17,000 years old but you still have so little TACT?! And Vampire Jessica, and Hoyt, and the sheriff, and Tara’s mom, and Arlene, and Terry.
I say this every year, and yet never has it resonated so much: WOOF.
 |
 |
You Might Also Like
 True Blood S04E12: Season Finale |  True Blood S04E11: The First Rule Of Witch Club Is Don’t… |  True Blood S04E10: Bombs Over Shreveport |  True Blood S08E09: Werewolf Gang Kill Them All |
Leave a Reply
Sign inSign in with FacebookYou must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.
Any one want to talk about the Breaking Bad series finale instead?
The last 5 minutes were insane.
SPOILS AHEAD: Intense and amazing. When Mike went into that warehouse and knocked off all the cartel guys, it was seriously one of the biggest displays of badassery assassin work I’ve ever seen. And then seeing Mike interact with his granddaughter right before the murders was terrific. After last week’s epic monologue, Mike is probably the best secondary character.
And shooting your viewers in the face is a pretty genius way of ending a season.
This whole season was insane! The Wire is still the best TV show ever, but Breaking Bad just SHOT IT IN THE FACE, BITCH. (Literally, because David Costabile who played Gale, was also on The Wire)
Best bit of Breaking Bad trivia you probably already know: Gus Fring is Buggin Out from Do the Right Thing. Sorry to 99% of people who already know/don’t care. The other 1% : you’re welcome.
So by Season 5 is Vampire Eric just gonna be bald?
Middle-Aged Louisiana Man with many skeletons in his closet, one of which includes homosexual fantasies? Watch Out State Senate, Sam Merlotte is headed your way!
I have been waiting 274 days for this post. Can we get the “His.Name.Is.Eggs” gif up, someone?
YAY! Thanks concert_addict.
My opinion of this:
Fans of this show apparently call themselves “fangbangers”.
That is all I need or want to know about this.
You should probably also know that God hates fangs.
No Homosassa
Nothing can make me happier than this moment.
Vampires caused the oil spill
Fingers crossed for some hamhanded blood spill metaphor. This show, with the subtlety.
I think it’s time to introduce one final character to this show.
Or maybe two more characters
YES! But I do have a gripe that all of these vampire stories tend to introduce and then wash over: Physiology. Like, its fine that your vampires cry blood, maybe part of the magic is that your bodily fluids are now blood… Sure, I’m willing to play along! But wouldn’t this mean that Bill’s vampire semen is actually blood and his spit was also blood? Why introduce these concepts that are so hard to justify? Buffy did this to an extent, like how spike had no heartbeat, but when cut, still bled profusely.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m a huge nerd.
Notsewfast. I agree. On Buffy they always talked about how they didn’t have to breathe, but sometimes when “acting” they were out of breath. Nerdin’ it right there with ya.
Like when Spike choked out Drusilla in the season 2 finale. But if vampires don’t breathe how was that possible? (Also a huge nerd, in this cae a Buffy-nerd.)
Huge nerds united!
The out of breath thing bugged me to no end. I’m watching this show where a 5’2″, 90 pounds girl fights huge men dressed in ridiculous “demon” costumes and kicks their asses, but vampires running out of breath after a long run really ruins my suspension of disbelief. Also, how can vampires have sex, ever?
Blood tears are just ridiculous, though.
I have been asking the “how do vampires have sex” question for so long! No one ever answers me.
Also, yay Buffy!
That’s what I have been screaming! Vampires can’t have sex. They have no blood flow. Geesh! Maybe girl vampires…maybe. But how do boy vampires get it up???
When it comes to arousal, blood flow is pretty important for women too. Maybe you could have sex, but you probably wouldn’t want to.
(And let’s not even get into the lubrication issue.)
I’m pretty sure vampires do have blood flow since they use blood to make other vampires. Or is their blood just stagnant?
For “realsies”, K-Hud. Sex would be very painful for the girl vampires.
And True Blood vampires have blood, but I think it is stagnant. But who knows?! I am just assuming there is no blood flow, b/c by traditional vampire standards, if you will, they don’t have heartbeats.
Oh come on. We should have learned not to think more than anyone making a show thinks with Lost. True Blood, from the start, has been brain vacation.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Spoiler alert.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Thanks.
hey, no problem. if you want me to spoil the season ending, i can do that too, since anyone from new orleans knows what’s happening due to whose lives they’re ripping off. i can also tell you what’s going to happen at the beginning of next season with easily half the cast.
I think I have it pretty much figured out anyway. It’s the plants, right?
Oh, FUCK. I’m so bad with character names, I just realized who you were talking about. Fuck fucking fuck!
Really downvotes on that last one? I get the first one, but not that last one. I upvoted the last one southernbithch. #becauseitmatters
Ahhh!!! I JUST got caught up to ep 8 last night!
Yeah, I’d be willing to talk about Treme last night, but Gabe, can we get a humanitarian comment deletion? For everyone else’s sake?
These reviews should definitely be cross-labeled as ‘Taking One For The Team.”
I wish the show included trips to Sonic, like the books do.
That just goes for every show right? Booth and Bones — trips to Sonic. Jim and Pam — trips to Sonic. Jack, Kate and Sawyer — oh you better believe trips to Sonic.
Knock it all you want, but Eric, Sam, and Jason? They are all SO pretty. Thank you for the nakedness and the gay sex dreams, Alan Ball!
I think if you’re a gay man with your own show on HBO you have the right to use your stable of hot actors to randomly play out your gay fantasies. I think it’s in the Declaration of Independence somewhere.
And then all the straight people get to laugh at those fantasies played out with actors whose only appeal is in their attractiveness. Win-win.
As a straight girl, I will tell you that I LOVED the gay sex dream and my reaction was DEFINITELY not laughter
Holy moley Miss Rabbit, also as a straight girl: Hot Damn that was sexy. This whole episode was just man-beef heaven.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Men in the Altogether (preferably Making Out).
“That to secure these rights, Genre Television Serials are instituted among Hollywood, deriving their just powers from the consent of the fanboys and fangirls.
“That whenever any Form of Television becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the fandom to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Fanfics, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Visions of Men Making Out.”
Jefferson was a true visionary.
True Buttz, amirite??
Boo Blood, perhaps?
Ugh. I’m still glad this guy is dead.
They killed Ben?!?!
This was my favorite thing of last season:
Is that Clarissa’s brother? Please tell me that’s Clarissa’s brother.
It’s totally Ferguson.
Well that explains it….all. har har
Now that sign is just mocking Jason Stackhouse…
My favorite thing about that sign is that someone wrote “FUCK YOU” in black, then went over it in white. They may be possessed by ancient hedonistic impulses, but that doesn’t mean they want their obscene graffiti to be illegible.
Look, everyone I know has a boner for Eric, and I have a huuuuge boner for Jason, and in the season premiere they are both bare-ass naked. True Butts over here! We just got finished complaining about how our LOST didn’t know what we wanted after six years of marriage or whatever. True Blood is like the hot young gas station attendant that something something while our distant husband is at work! It makes us feel attractive and Tara ALMOST died (if a mouthful of pills gets coughed up in episode 1 they will go down to the tum-tum episode 10.)…so hang in there I guess.
Also Hoyt is dreamy. Let us not neglect Hoyt’s newfound dreaminess.
A boner for Hoyt, agreed?
I think we have a quorum. Yes! Boner for Hoyt. Here, here.
Especially now that he’s no longer a 28 year old virgin who lives with his mom. They don’t usually look like that.
That new haircut looks pretty *click* …badass.
Plz. Everyone knows the sexy sex scenes are the only reason to watch this show. Next thing you’re going to want actual porns with logical story lines.
I only watched the first season. I was kinda annoyed that Sookie and Bill were in luuuuuv when they seemingly had nothing in common and no chemistry UNTIL they started doing it, and then I was like “ok.”
You guys, I am totally on board with gumming the shit out of this show, but in the interest of full disclosure you should know that I love the hell out of it. I’m not saying I think it’s a good show–I pretty much agree with everything Gabe wrote. It’s just that, where some people see bad tv, I see silly campy fun. Although I can see why someone who doesn’t think of it as comedy would want to rip their eyes out watching it.
Anyway, what I’m saying is: my name is Raymond’s Mother, and I’m a True Blood fan. Can I hang out with you guys?
I agree. I definitely think the show is cheesy and delightfully tacky, but that’s why I watch it… I mean, it’s not a show I take seriously, but I am planted in front of the TV every Sunday at 9PM.
I am right there with you. They had me at, “conscience off, dick on”
That’s basically how I’ve been watching this show since season one.
I felt like the first season was good because it was uncanny and gritty with a little bit of camp, but the show has gotten more camp than uncanny. Not to say that it isn’t worth “hatewatching.” I just think it kind of dumped any real interesting aspects of it last season.
I’m perfectly fine with this show coming back for the summer. I agree, it’s cheesy, and you hate all the characters, but you just can’t stop watching! As long as they put a hold on the human heart quiches, and the sacrificial statues made of meat, I think this season will be pretty good.
I’d say the first season was pretty awful, while last season was absolutely ridiculous that it made me go back, watch the second half of the first and catch up. If it had stayed on the first season track it would not be watchable at all. It’s like their “WTF?”, jump-the-shark ninth season was their second season instead.
I guess I liked the fact that they didn’t show all of their WTF cards in the first season.
OF COURSE! It is the funnest best and I love it so much. All its ridiculous bits and pieces.
I would love to continue to hang out with you. I have no problem admitting that I enjoy every second of this show. I mean, I know exactly how awful it is. But come on. It’s so great!
“Fangtasia?”
“Remember, Sookuh, most vampires are very old. Puns used to be the highest form of humor.”
That’s when I knew I would love this show forever.
We can hang out Raymond’s Mother if the cool kids kick us out. I unabashedly love True Blood also. How do u say no to “conscience off, dick on?”
conscience off, erection on
- andy belfour
“If you’re going to be my roommate, there’s a certain amount of pussy overflow you’ll have to get used to”
-my boyfriend Jason Stackhouse.
I’m definitely picking up what you are putting down…
I’m not in the mood for any lesbian weirdness tonight.
Put me in the camp of loving the hell out of this show and also getting a kick out of Gabe bashing said show week after week.
I think sexy Eric needs to implement the ABCs of selling into his V trafficking. Maybe then they could move the product.
Here are somethings that need to be discussed:
-While Eric was taking a break from his six hour sex session (with the stripper from the minisode lolz) to have a casual conversation with Sookeh, it should be safe to assume that he had a raging boner that whole time.
-When Jessica and Sookeh find the over-turned car, they somehow notice the marking on the dead guy’s neck (which should be impossible because it’s dark, and it literally looks like a dirt smudge). The next thing you know, Jessica is pulling these sybols up on her smart phone. I guess there’s an app for that?
-How does Bill dig himself a grave to sleep in (hahahaha still funny!) WITHOUT A SHOVEL?
-I don’t care if this show has too many characters because I love them the best. Arlene had the best line of the night with the “You think you’re so special because you fell in love with a serial killer? Let’s be honest, who around here hasn’t?”
-Also, Lafayette’s outfit. I need someone to post a picture of that masterpiece.
the search for the symbols on jessica’s phone?!?!?!? the writers must think we are as slow as jason.
Mississippi is well-known for being infested with werewolves question mark.
It just burns my britches that the vampire queen is broke. Why hasn’t she invested her money over the hundreds of years she has been alive?!?! Or steal from her victims?!!! Arg.
The recession’s hitting everyone, I guess.
Allow me to get my Dick On: Gabe’s an adult? Being almost as old as Betty White does not make a person an adult. Someday he’ll grow up and realize how stupidly funny this show is.
No mention of Jessica using the Ancient Rune app on her Q to identify the “Operation Werewolf” tatoo? UGH. This show.
I can’t believe that this show got a “Welcome back, worst show!” welcome when Glee exists and is, in fact, the worst show. Maybe it could have used a “See you next season, worst show!” send off. I mean, I love musical theatre and high school drama as much as the next girl, but there aren’t enough naked asses and vampires in that show. Though Tina informs me that asian vampires are the most vicious of all vampires and Coach Tanaka from Glee is also a vicious asian vampire on True Blood.
So, um, yeah. What I am saying is, True Blood could really use a Lady Gaga-themed episode where Tara and her mom sing a touching version of Poker Face to each other? Alexander Skarsgard could play the boyfriend who sells Sookie out to the Papa-paparazzi. Let’s do this! Let’s make this a thing! No? Fine. I’ll just enjoy the vampires and naked asses quietly.
andy bellefleur = frank sobotka = my head exploding.
(i seriously didn’t realize that until just now…i have to send my super-fan card back to HBO)
They are proud of the fact that they used real wolves as werewolves for this show?! Lazy. Since when is a shapeshifter with one shape anything formidable? They are WORSE THAN TARA.
“We’re not werewolves.”
-Sam Merlotte, shapeshifter
Yeah – that really pissed me off. Like, I get that they’re trying to go for this element of realism within a supernatural storyline, but seriously? The werewolves are just ACTUAL wolves? Ugh. That is going to make me laugh so hard when I see a person morph into one.
The water in Alabama is very… hard.
I’m glad you review this show. Now that Lost is over and The Hunt has been suspended I’ve been missing your weekly pieces!
I’m always surprised at the hate for season 2. Instead of going the obvious route of introducing werewolves in season 2 they threw a curve and introduced some crazy ass maenad thing, which was at least original and fun.