David-Hasselhoff-drunk2

Comedy Central has announced that the next subject for its celebrity roast series will be David Hasselhoff. The special will tape in the coming months and air on August 15th at 10PM. Sure. Fair enough. I don’t think anyone is like, “Hey, how about you DON’T roast David Hasselhoff.” Go ahead! Roast him! He is certainly roastable. Hasselhoff will follow in the footsteps of Flavor Flav, William Shatner, and Joan Rivers in having Lisa Lampanelli say something about their Mexican pussies or whatever. Personally, though, I think that Comedy Central should keep these announcements in their pocket until just before the special is ready to air. Otherwise, they open the way for Impromptu Amateur Roasts from people like us who just CAN’T WAIT for that SWEET SWEET ROAST! Don’t get me wrong, I still can’t wait to hear Dave Attell hand David Hasselhoff his FACE. But from a business perspective it’s probably unwise. (What the hell am I even talking about?) What I’m saying is August is so far away! Let’s roast that guy ourselves right now! I’ll go first:

  • Hey, David Hasselhoff, remember that time your daughter taped you having a drunken melt-down? That was EMBARRASSING!
  • Baywatch, of course, is one of the most internationally successful television programs of all time. And yet people DON’T REALLY RESPECT YOU!
  • On the show Knight Rider, KIT was an incredibly intelligent car. But even a Toyota Corolla is a lot smarter than David Hasselhoff!

So roasted.

And now, welcome to the comments, bruce_villanch_69, or whatever.

Comments (91)
  1. Hey, David Hasselholff, you know how you are losing your battle with alcoholism for all the world to see??? Ha! You suck! Hahaaahaa!

  2. What would be rad: if the roast consists only of former cast members of Knight Rider making Knight Rider themed jokes. Also have the KIT car on stage making roast jokes in that whiny disapproving KIT voice.

    What would not be rad: lame d-list celebrity comedians making jokes about old lady vaginas and sex.

  3. “America’s got talent, but David Hasselhoff doesn’t! The ugly woman on the dais has a penis!”

  4. I love a good roasting.

  5. Hey Hoff remember when you were there when the Berlin Wall came down and were a major part of history, actually that was pretty cool

  6. “One time, David Hasselhoff was going to the bathroom when a little green man appeared at his feet. Then David Hasselhoff let the little man anal rape him because he was a leprechaun! David Hasselhoff is 72 years old and still believes in leprechauns! Also, David Hasselhoff is a drunk!”
    – Gilbert Gottfried

  7. So wrinkly

  8. KIT? More like SHIT! Hahaha!

  9. Hey David Hasselhoff. Remember how you once starred in a Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD television special but when they decided to use Nick Fury as a recurring character in the Marvel film franchise they went right for Samuel L. Jackson without even thinking to CALL YOU probably?

    Or am I the only one who remembers that?

    • Huckabeast, there are two different versions of Nick Fury. One is from the Ultimate universe, and he was actually modelled on Samuel L. Even though the movies aren’t of the Ultimate storyline, I guess they decided that Sam Jackson would be much more badass than the Hoff, as indeed he is.

      In short, I am a huge nerd.

  10. Hey David Hasselhoff. Remember how you once starred in a Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD television special but when they decided to use Nick Fury as a recurring character in the Marvel film franchise they went right for Samuel L. Jackson without even thinking to CALL YOU probably?

    Or am I the only one who remembers that?

  11. Hey Hasselhoff. You only live once!

    Us: 1
    You: 0

  12. So David, remember that really awesome movie you were in? No, wait…But, remember that role you played where you won the award for….no? Well, you always have your short-lived success in German pop! That’s a great legacy, right?

  13. David Hasselhoff has a lot on his mind…. (wait for it…) Yeah, a HAT!

    All of David Hasselhoff’s friends wish him well…. (wait for it…) They wish he was thrown DOWN a well! (…long pause to let the joke not work at all…) Your friends… wish you were MURDERED … IN A WELL!

  14. Hey David Hasselhoff, remember when you were in the Spongebob Squarepants movie and two cartoon characters rode on your back at the climatic end of the movie and that was the MOST dignified moment of your life?

  15. The Hof will go down in history as the second most popular thing in Germany, behind systematically murdering Jews.

  16. “Hey, you guys remember when Hasselhoff used to play a lifeguard on Baywatch, right? I’ll tell ya folks, if I ever saw that guy running into the ocean and swimming out to save me, I would LET MYSELF DROWN, amirite?”

    • Hey Hasslehoff, you ever get nasty with Pamela Anderson? Ahhh? Aw I bet you wished you had, amirite?

      • “Hey, you guys remember when they showed all the lifeguards running in slow-motion during the opening to Baywatch, right? You guys remember that? Well, in Hasselhoff’s case, they didn’t need to slow the tape down because HE IS SUCH A SLOW-ASS”

  17. Guys, we should stop this now. Nick Madsen is just going to troll our A material and pass it off as his own because he will definitely appear at the David Hasselhoff roast. The Hoff pulls in top tier talent.

  18. “Hey David Hasselhoff, who has gotten more women and earned more money than I will in my job as a stand up comic- you suck!” – Whichever poor comic they hire to make fun of Hoff

  19. They should get Brendan Fraser to sit next to Hasselhoff and do that clap/laugh/point awkwardly thing that he does in those gifs I’ve seen at every single roast joke. That will trick people in to enjoying it.

  20. The earthquake MAY DESTROY the roast, it MAY DESTROY the big chair that the guy sits in everything…it MAY DESTROY JOE ROGAN! August twentyten, citizens of Comedy Central get your transformers and and flashlights ready. 9.7 Neilson rating! Golden Gate Bridge may collapse. Have a good day.

  21. REAL and HETEROSEXUAL

  22. “Something something alcohol something something pickled vagina LOL.” – Joan Rivers

  23. “David called me up the other night a few weeks back, drunk off his ass, said he has developed a real talent for devouring wiener schnitzel’s 2 at a time. He’s had lots of practice” is a typical joke that we can expect to hear in August. Something defiantly about schnitzel’s.

  24. Don’t Hassle the Hoff … He was in Starcrash

  25. “David Hasselhoff has had more hit singles in Germany than I have had black dudes in my vagina”

    – Lisa Lampaneli

  26. “I wouldn’t fuck David Hasselhoff with Bea Arthur’s DICK!” -Nick Madsen

  27. “Hey…we all saw you shirtless for years on the hit television show Baywatch…but the last time I saw you shirtless you had special sauce all over your nipples!”

    ohh Hasselhoff…how’d you like the sip of my premium roast?

  28. “Hey Hasselhoff, I hear the creators of Drunk History called. What do you know about President Taft?”

  29. “I’m Jewish. Oh, and David Hasselhoff raped me.” – Sarah Silverman

  30. Aren’t roasts a whole lot better when the subject is someone we’re not already constantly laughing at, though?

  31. Everybody already knows that Betty White will be there, right? That’s a given. It’s so obviously going to happen. I kind of hope that earthquake happens, just to save Gabe from the frustration of having to comment on it.

  32. David Hasselhoff, you were GREAT in the Spongebob Squarepants Movie!

  33. I was watching Knight Rider on TV (cos that is what they show on TV here) and Michael and KITT were on a football field and Michael said “KITT is going to be the next OJ Simpson” and then proceeded to ramp through the goalposts. It was great.

  34. When I was trying to get laid in the 80s (this was a very brief period, you understand) every chick I met in Hollywood had already banged David Hasselhoff. I meet one girl, she says that Hasselhoff banged her on KITT’s hood. “A threesome with Hasselhoff and KITT,” I says, “there’s gotta be a great joke in that.” “The only joke I remember,” she says, “is that David Hasselhoff has the tiniest penis in the universe.”

    • When me and the guys watched Baywatch, we always joked that the lifeguards on that show all had life preservers bolted right onto ‘em. Then I learned that they always made Hasselhoff wear a real life preserver, because he was always so wasted he might’ve drowned. There’s nothing funny about that.

    • Not many people know this, but the making of Knight Rider was extremely dangerous. You know the first shot of the intro, when the car comes straight at you? Hasselhoff was drunk when they filmed it and he ran over the cameraman. The first episode was dedicated to that guy.

    • I was at this party once when Hoff came over to me. “Check it out,” he said, “that fox over there has got the biggest tits in the room.” “Sure Hoff,” I said, “almost as big as your daughter’s!” “That is my daughter,” Hoff said.

      • Cool stories, bro.

        • Once David Hasselhoff asked me to drive him to his mom’s house for Mother’s Day. As we walked up to the house, Hasselhoff took me aside. “Whatever you do,” he said, “don’t mention moose vaginas.” “Why, David Hasselhoff?” I asked. “Did something happen with your mother and a moose vagina?” “No,” Hasselhoff said, “but I got her one for Mother’s Day and I don’t want you to ruin the surprise.”

    • chill, technoroastgum

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.