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Oh Jesus Christ! WHAT IS HAPPENING OUT THERE?!

I’m not saying that Tom Selleck’s and Macy Gray’s opinions about the current ecological disaster in the Gulf of Mexico aren’t DESPERATELY IMPORTANT. I recognize that we live in a world in which, for whatever reason, people actually are genuinely interested in hearing what celebrities think about global events AND HOW TO STAY THIN. I’m just saying, maybe when celebrities offer up their take on international crises, they shouldn’t do it on a red carpet, which is itself a symbol of the same excess and greed and disproportionate allocation of wealth and global resources that led to this situation in the first place. But if celebrities are going to offer up their take on international crises on a red carpet, can it at least not be THE KILLERS RED CARPET?! That stupid fucking piece of shit movie isn’t even an appropriate platform for discussing KATHERINE HEIGL’S FARTS, much less a catastrophe of global proportions. And even though this probably goes without saying: shut up, Ashton Kutcher. (Via ONTD.)

Comments (63)
  1. So, we’re still considering Macy Gray to be a celebrity, then?

    • She probably goes to parties with James Blunt.

      • Remember the stars, you loved yesterday?
        Where did they go? Did they all pass away?
        Was it drugs or a car crush,
        or a face lift gone wrong?
        No they’re right here in Branson
        and they’re singing, this song!
        My name is Charo, I shake my maracas.
        Remember me foo, I was BA Barachas.
        We’re the performers you thought were dead,
        like Bonnie Franklin and Adrienne Zmed.
        Branson’s the place we can always be found.
        They took Nick at Night and made it a town.
        You can call me Ray or you can call me Jay.
        Just don’t call me washed up, I do three shows a day.
        Charlie Callas doesn’t sleep in the ground.
        Yes I’m still alive an I’m making me sound.
        vup hi vup hala voop voop.
        So sit back, relax, and watch our review!
        In Soviet Union, review watches you!

    • I was shocked to know she’s still alive. I was sure last time she walk away, she stumbled into a coma.

    • Only in a world where people consider “The Killers with Ashton Kutcher And Kattherine Heigl” to be a good idea.

  2. Are you saying Katherine Heigl’s farts aren’t a catastrophe of global proportions?

  3. Maybe Tom Selleck’s mustache can soak up all the oil

  4. Meanwhile, James Cameron’s sitting in an empty conference room wondering: “It’s already 8 goddamn thirty. Where the fuck are those guys?”

  5. can i upvote this post? forever?

  6. I smell a “Vote for Betty White to fix the Oil Spill” Facebook page…

  7. I want to cut off Ashton’s head and shit down his neck a la Leonard Stiltskin. ASSHOLES!

  8. I couldn’t even watch all of it because I was afraid of Katherine Heigl showing up and right before I clicked pause there was and UGHHHHHHHHHHHH

  9. “Your opinions mean the world to us.”
    - Inhabitants of planet earth

  10. Can’t we just get their opinions on things from Twitter? Do we have to actually hear their words too? Maann.

    • yeah, i’m still reeling from the great construction-at-8-am-next-to-ashton-kutcher’s-immense-mansion expose he spearheaded on twitter last year. i know that the pulitzer team is starting to think about including web-based journalism in their prize consideration, and it’s just a crying shame that it comes too late to reward kutcher for his hard work in trying to show us how the other half lives. he’s like jacob riis, except with great eyelashes and a bionic wife. and no brain.

  11. That movie looks like more of a disaster than the oil spill.

    • seriously. i heard they had to sacrifice a goat every day just to get Katherine Heigl out of her trailer and Ashton Kutcher ate omelets made from endangered sea turtle eggs drizzled with dolphins blood to get in shape for it.

  12. At least their not talking about the movie…

  13. Instead of talking, Tom Selleck should use his incredible mustache to filter the oil from the gulf directly. Get involved, celebrities!

  14. Hey, What Does Topher Grace Think About the Gulf Oil Spill?

  15. Thanks to Katherine Heigl, the International Crisis Status of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill has just been elevated to REALLY BAD, YOU GUYS.

  16. Yea, Ashton Kutcher, shut the fuck up!

  17. Am i a bad ‘Merican because I would rather hear what scientists and cleanup workers have to say about this environmental disaster? Instead of the fucktards that ride in SUVs and buy everything for no fucking reason except that they can because they are over paid because the world is all wrong. Probably. I should just shut up and move back to Norway. We have oil! Without all the disasters!

  18. The Killers Premiere should make us all feel better because it proves that things can get worse than the Worst Oil Spill EVER.

    • we need to figure out a way to switch this all around, so that we can dump the movie “killers” into the ocean and put a bunch of celebrities in a theatre filled with crude oil.

  19. Maybe we can top kill Ashton Kutcher’s mouth.

  20. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  21. Katherine Heigl needs to stop farting or she’s going to make this oil fiasco a whole lot worse.

  22. Ashton Kutcher has a lot of great ideas about saving the environment …for me TO POOP ON.

  23. Heigl Farts are the new Plane Stench.

  24. “you know who’s to blame for this? the obscenely wealthy. they amass insane amounts of money, but instead of helping people, they use it to buy giant houses and expensive gadgets.” – ashton kutcher

    seriously though, he made the best, most coherent point in that video, which i think speaks to how dumb our celebrities are.

  25. Ashton Kutcher is a douchebag, but to be fair – they answer the questions they are asked. If they say “no comment”, they are still douchebags.

  26. “This. THIS is EXACTLY why I’m destroying you with my oil spills and my volcanoes and my hurricanes.” – The Earth

  27. I didn’t watch that, because I don’t want to ruin my day, but I hope no one suggested throwing Katherine Heigl into the oil spill as a sacrifice to appease the gods, cause that’s totally my idea.

  28. WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.. THIS GUY??? SERIOUSLY?

  29. “Mentally-challenged high jinks and hilarity surely follow.” that’s a quote on imdb about The Ringer…a film which heigl is in starring johnny knoxville as a dude pretending to be mentally challenged…now we know the truth about that statement…it is actually referring to heigl, not knoxville

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