Summer is here! And that means beaches and barbecues and air conditioning and ice cream cones and swimming holes and roast beef sandwiches and alien invasion and sleepwalking and the Large Hadron Collider. But most importantly it means SUMMER JAMS. You guys know my passion for summer jams, you have seen it for yourself. I am like water for chocolate when it comes to summer jams. And so it is with the heaviest of hearts that I share with you the latest single from Ke$ha and 3OH!3 (whatever THAT is). It is called “My First Kiss,” and it is literally one of the worst things I have ever heard in my life. Let me put it this way, if I was driving my grandchild to the mall, and they put this on the cassette player in my car, I would commit grandchildicide. “This just sounds like noise to me. You know, when I was your age, I didn’t get murdered by my grandfather on the way to the mall uphill both ways!”

MORE LIKE “MY FIRST BARF,” RIGHT GUYS? Just kidding. It can’t be my first barf, because it isn’t the first Ke$ha song I’ve heard.

Comments (121)
  1. “Sorry, We’re Unable to Offer This Video to Users in Your Region” I’ve never been more proud to be Canadian,

  2. Gabe’s first kiss went a little like this
    He was always one for public spectacles

  3. Gabe’s just bitter because his grandpa tried to strangle him because of the incessant Bach,.

  4. I liked the song they did with Katy Perry.
    DID YOU KNOW? Katy Perry’s cat is named Kitty Purry and that’s why she’s awesome and my girlfriend.

  5. I’m thinking that incorporating punctuation and unpronounceable symbols into your name is a fairly decent signpost to alert me to the fact that I do not want to hear what you have to say.

  6. The inevitability that this song will be played at my sister’s wedding reception this summer almost makes me what to skip it. But that would be wrong, right?

  7. I’d have thought Ke$ha’s first kiss would’ve gone a little like this:

  8. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Jun 3rd, 2010 +78

    Thanks for the offer facebook, but I actually like and respect my friends.

  9. According to Facebook, my first kiss eats da poo poo now.

  10. Gabe is old!!

    Is that how these jokes are supposed to work?

  11. Mr. Cool Hair’s first kiss was on the way to the bar? So he was 21? And I’m analyzing the lyrics to this garbage?

  12. I want Ronnie Magro to beat these guys up so bad.

  13. Ke$ha + 3OH!3 = K3$H!3

  14. The short-haired guy in 303 looks like he would play a minor recurring character on NCIS.

    • Ke$ha could play the dead hooker!

    • Or the season fin-olly of Criminal Maahnds!

    • Mans! You’re a lawyer (and also, I believe, a lion in a suit), how do I sue someone for this? I have so many trash bags to pay you with.

      • I think you have a good case. Here are your possible causes of action:

        1. Loss of Consortium: Kesha adn 303 are kissing all your boyfriends/girlfriends and giving them junk-mouth and junk-mouth related illnesses.

        2. Assault: You reasonably believe that Kesha or 303 might kiss you.

        3. Battery: Kesha or 303 kiss you.

        4. Consipracy: Kesha and 303 talk about how they intend on kissing you with their germ lips.

        5. Trespass: Kesha and 303 are all up in your grill/yard.

        6. Trespass to Chattles: Kesha and 303 are all up in your cat’s grill.

        7. Breach of Contract: Kesha and 303 agreed not to kiss you in exchange for a peppercorn.

        8. Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress: Kesha and 303 made you watch this video while driving over your children in a car.

        9. Violation of ECOA: Kesha and 303 made your spouse co-sign for a loan when your credit was just fine.

        10. Viloation of Basic Civil Rights: Kesha and 303 are looking at you.

        The only Court that would have jurisdiction over Kesha and 303 is the United States Garbage Court, Southern District. Having the parties served with the complaint would also be a problem as they live in a bubbling pit of liquid-dispair that gives of toxic fumes that smell like Axe Body Spray and BW3′s, so we might have to use posted service.

        I’m willing to take this case on a pro bono basis if my co-counsel (pizza, jwormyk and lilbobbytables) will help.

    • I think he looks like the protagonist in one of those ABC Family Christmas movies. Perhaps his wife died giving birth to his triplet daughters and he meets an angel who saves Christmas, probably played by that British woman from Frasier. Hilarity ensues!

  15. the guys in 3oh3 make me really uncomfortable. they seem kinda molesty in this song. also way too old to be singing about this topic.

    • They both creep me out, but the tall skinny arm greasy hair one makes me want to actually recoil from my screen everytime I see him. The short one is still creepsville, but at least he is pretty bangable (not that he would want to bang me seeing as I am not a 16 old year, I guess).

      • the short one is so much more creepy to me. he’s like the epitome of a frat boy at an 80′s night dance party in a gross ass bar in a sad ass town. he dances horribly and would probably make any excuse to grope the girl he’s trying to grind up on with in an inappropriate manner. also his face. there is something wrong with his face.

    • More like 5OH3, because those guys are old! I hope that worked…

  16. This was so fucking awful that I didn’t even notice Kesha among the massive orgy of train wrecks here.

  17. Gabe’s just mad because his step-grandfather doesn’t visit him when he says he’s gonna visit and then Gabe’s great aunt has to bounce him on her knee while watching Brodyquest.

  18. That is all.

    • This gif can really be used for anything that America does ever.

      • Clarification: I meant anything America does ever that you want to make a joke about. Like, oh Arnold Schwartzenegger was elected governor of California? BAM! AMERICAN INDIAN GIF. Ginger kid thinks he is the victim of racism? AMERICAN INDIAN GIF. Juggalos? AMERICAN INDIAN GIF
        Ke$ha? AMERICAN INDIAN GIF. What? They cancelled Arrested Development? AMERICAN INDIAN GIF.

  19. Hey, that rapperbro looks like Michael C. Hall a little bit! Maybe he can become the Dexter of garbage monsters, wherein he is a garbage monster who kills other garbage monsters. And then himself, maybe. Which, incidentally, is where I think Dexter is headed. FULL CIRCLE!

    • +1 for awesome Avatar (we have that picture plastered on everything in Pittsburgh from coffee mugs to underwear) and + another 1 (pretend) for the Dexter reference.

      • Oh, I know Videogum is a no-sports zone, but as a born-and-bred Pittsburgher, that was–in purely scientific terms–fucking super fantastic. Bummer they didn’t have another run in ‘em.

  20. I miss the days when 30h!3 knew they were a joke and were making music videos like this:

    now they just make me ashamed for my area code

  21. The giant 303 hand sign statue behind 3OH!3 (which is almost as barf-inducing to type as “Ke$ha”) isn’t actively strangling the members of the band nearly as much as I’m sure it wants to.

  22. It’s too bad last year was the summer of Death.

  23. Anyone ladies looking to purchase Ke$ha’s lipstick color can go to Hot Topic and search “I’m Blowing C3PO Gold.”

  24. I gotta say, I’m kind of disappointed at how little Ke$ha there was in this video. If I wanted to just watch a couple of douchebags dancing around, I could call my cousin over and turn on the videocamera. Right? Amiright?

  25. let’s all make sure to reference whiskey in our songs, because that makes us adults.

  26. the way kesha sings reminds me of what it’s like to do ketamine, and that is a horrible association, and kinda gives me panic attacks.

  27. Damn, for a second there, I thought Crazy Town made a comeback.

  28. i personally loved that they got patti smith to do a cameo

  29. If goatse had a logo…

  30. I think it’s fair to say this is the musical world’s #flotilla


  32. I don’t know about you guys, but I definitely kiss people by violently burrowing my face into their shoulders.

  33. This song should have been on the Twilight Soundtrack

  34. a friend of mine hooked me up with this picture of Ke$ha before she got famous.

    • Wait. Is she the blonde one there? So by before she got famous do you mean before she got dead and then revived with some combination of wire, an injection of top-secret bio-fluids, and whatever clever?

  35. I’m paraphrasing a friend who was actually talking about Asher Roth, but this definitely applies. This song:music::my finger painting:Art. Seriously, garbage.

  36. I was not aware that “twisting” was such an integral part of the kissing process.

  37. I threw up a bit in my mouth when her nasty-ass mouth came on the screen. Compared to that, the senior citizen make out session (#simultaneouslygreatandrgossbandnames) was like really good medicine.

  38. Teenage boys are not allowed to use the word ‘panties’!

    They’re children, right? Definitely not grown men?

  39. We live in a complicated world full of horror, contradictions, and atrocities. Welcome to out world.

  40. It’s neat to know they grabbed Jaden Smith out of Williamsburg in 2030 so he could help them with this video.

    • I was going to make a joke about how Williamsburg is going to be sooooo over long before 2030, but by then the cycle of ironic nostalgia will probably have swung back around and that reference will still be relevant.

  41. At least between the aviator sunglasses, her wild mane-hair, and the close-ups of her lips we never actually had to see Ke$ha’s entire face.

  42. Oh no! Two deaths in one day! First Rue McClanahan, now my ears! This really is the summer of death 2010!

  43. $50 + overuse of the Shift key + kids sining jump-rope songs = this video

  44. this is not even a Kesha song, its by 3oh!3 featuring Kesha. But whatever, its still a horrible song. i heard a few songs from the new 3oh!3 cd, and they all suck.

  45. I’m really glad he pointed to his mouth when he said lips, otherwise I would have thought he was talking about his vagina.

  46. I am so glad Gabe posted this, I heard this song about a week ago and just wanted to cleanse my brain.

  47. I think 3OH!3 did a good enough job ruining this song without Ke$ha. Put a distorted guitar in there, and you have every shitty nu-emo band on the planet.

  48. Does anybody else have a strange desire to do laundry every time they see Ke$ha? It’s like oh my god, if I don’t put on some fresh clothing I might start looking like this awful dirty clothes hamper of depression.

  49. I have an idea: Can we officially retire the idea of “the worst” since Ke$ha has to clearly worked hard to earn that title. It would be unfair to call anyone else ever in the whole world the worst, because while Ke$ha is still around, it just simply isn’t true.

  50. this is worst than the previous ke$ha videos, and THATS saying something

  51. I’m really glad I had my first kiss waaaaaaaaaaaaaay before watching this video, or else I may never have been able to lose my virginity due to the scenes from this video running through my head whilst attempting to um, get it on.

  52. I am glad to see that Gabe created an Ear Garbage tag. But you forgot the Fake Rap and Holocaust tags.

  53. Wait….please tell me that’s not Allison Brie in this video.

  54. “…possibly the worst genre of music ever created.”

    From Wiki:

    3OH!3 (pronounced “three oh three”) is a crunkcore group from Boulder, Colorado.


    Crunkcore (also called crunk punk and scrunk) is a musical genre that combines elements of screamo with elements of crunk.

    Crunkcore has been criticised by music magazine Kerrang!, who called it “possibly the worst genre of music ever created.”

  55. Is Ke$ha wearing a golden cat skull on her necklace? Are those stuffed wolves book-ending the members of 3OH!3 as they do their awkward dream dwarf from Twin Peaks shuffle/dance in front of the Douche Signal?

    These people must answer for their crimes against animals! And humanity!

  56. Ke$ha explains that her mom gave birth to the singer when she was throwing a party: “She invited all of her friends over and they were just kicking it, and then all of a sudden I, like, flew out.”

    Also – have none of you heard the monstrosity that is Stereos? And I quote, “You gave my butterflies.. then you flew out of my life.” The following video is by far the worst music video and song I will ever. ever see.

  57. <3 like water for chocolate reference x a BILLION

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