Hallmark has released a racist greeting card for the graduating class of 2010. Says the NAACP:

Yikes! I haven’t felt this nervous since watching the Lakeview Terrace trailer. I mean, on the one hand, I suffer from as serious of a case of white guilt as any over-educated iPhone owner who grew up in a college town and was raised in a loving, middle class, Democratic household. That scene in the original Larry David HBO special that spawned Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry turns to Jeff Garlin and asks why he always gives black people a head-nod in greeting instead of just saying “hello” SPOKE TO ME. As readers of this website have been quick to complain about for some weird reason, seriously, like I don’t know what is wrong with you guys sometimes, but I’m pretty open to the argument that we live in a color-coded world divided by perpetual and insidious racism, which can be found everywhere you look, but especially YouTube.

And yet:

It seems weird to me that the NAACP is complaining about a talking card saying the word “black holes,” which isn’t a euphemism for anything, I checked UrbanDictionary and everything. And “black holes” fits pretty neatly into the card’s insistent theme that this particular graduating class is going to take over the moon or whatever, which, incidentally, as someone who has graduated from both College and ADVANCED COLLEGE (ladies!) is a card that I would have found particularly silly and patronizing as in both instances I had no job upon completing my studies, or at best I had a job working at a coffee shop. But it was different back then. The war had just ended, and milk was free. Nowadays I guess the universe needs to watch its back? Because some college graduates got a talking card that filled them with ideas.

I know that some people claim to have heard “black whores” but I’m pretty sure that when the card says “Hey, Saturn, we’re going to run rings around YOU,” the card probably doesn’t go on to say “and look out black whores.” Huh? Weird card! At the very least, I would hope that a COLLEGE GRADUATE would be able to contextualize the audio of his crappy greeting card.

If anything, the NAACP should probably be complaining that the card’s main characters are named HOOPS and YOYO, because I don’t even know why a greeting card needs to have names for its “characters” in the first place, but if it does need to have them, certainly HOOPS and YOYO is at the very least, MILDLY INSENSITIVE. But, of course, the very idea of making the suggestion that I might have a better grasp on this fiasco than the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP makes me wear a whore I MEAN HOLE in my worry stone.

To be safe, let’s just pull this entire blog from the shelves. I think that would be best. (Thanks for the tip, Jay.)

Comments (69)
  1. I find the name “Yoyo” slightly more racially insensitive than that card. They should change his name to “HelloHello”

  2. So then you’re saying my line of ‘Keep your back Dry’ motivational swimming greeting cards are a no go?

  3. “WTF. Everyone knows that black people don’t gradu8 from college bc they are sooo lazy & stoopid!” — You Tube comment, probably

  4. Leoooooooooooooooooooon Jenkins!

  5. I smell an ABC action/adventure where Hoops and YoYo travel the galaxy destroying black holes as supercosmologists.

    I’m lighthearted about this because it’s the farthest thing from racism.

  6. this is the racism equivalent of yelling “GET OFF MY LAWN” and calling the cops at some school kids playing baseball while someone else robs your fucking house behind you.

  7. How incredibly stupid.

  8. This reminds me of the time that the NAACP took offense to the username of the popular (so popular!) Videogum commenter “Huckabeast” for its startling implications of bestiality.

  9. Is Michael Scott designing cards for Hallmark now?

  10. Sadly this is not the first time this travesty has occurred. We as a society need to put a stop to the vicious, ignorant, insensitive, racist use of the term “Black Hole”!!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc1zGRUPztc

  11. I worked at a Hallmark store during the presidential election and everyone I worked with was a McCain supporter. After Obama one, people came in asking for “Obama Cards” and the middle-aged white women I worked with were like YEAAAAHH RIGHT! So yeah….Hallmark is completely racist. And a little homophobic. And they get WAY too excited over special edition snow globes.

  12. My 4 year old loves it when we get these ridiculous cards via email. He will play them over and over again. So I guess I’m raising a racists. I’ve failed.

  13. Guys, we should all just stop commenting before the racist police show up and scan all our IP addresses.

  14. Or the race police… either group.

  15. And yet they’re letting this racist jerk off the hook?

  16. Uuuuugggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    • I like to imagine you comment from the building across the street from me and that we probably run into each other awkwardly at the City Market coffee station all the time, and just don’t know it.

      Reading that over, I realize how disturbing it is. I’m sorry I’m a creepy internet (maybe real life?) stalker.

      • You’re either my roomate, creepily pretending to stalk me and going so far to use a picture a dog that’s not her mom’s dog, or, yes, I possibly do comment across the street from you, but I do not awkwardly run into you at the City Market coffee station because I don’t drink coffee. It is, however, entirely possible that I awkwardly run into you at any number of locations: In City Market alone, in the labryinthian bulk section, near fruit, at the registers, greedily grabbing chocolate whenever it is on sale (Green and Black whattttttt); petting most any dog I find on Church Street; spending too much time at Muddys; falling into the lake.

        But this all brings me to my real point (no it doesn’t, but I have to get here somehow): do you just assume any Vermonter with the Internet is in Burlington, or did you see my comment about the homeless guy with a laptop and know who I was talking about?

        • Are you kidding? I am originally from BARRE. I make no assumptions! But, I mean, all the cool kids live in Burlington, right? It’s basically a community of hipsters, sulking high school punk wannabes, horrid frat boys, and Videogum monsters.

          It was actually your comment about your friend leading an old lady around the Coop finding all of her items even though they didn’t work there (that was you, right?) and I thought to myself “that definitely, 100% happened at City Market.” As for me, I’m the girl that will knife fight you for the last James Lean breakfast sandwich. I’m not your roommate, though. Although maybe we should get in touch to swap stalking tips.

          • Man, I love Burlington. That was me with the friend helping an old lady around what had to be City Market. It’s also probably one of the best cities for playing “Homeless or Not?” The sulking high school punk wannabees are just part of the difficulty. And plus, the horrible frat boys are gone for a few months! Rejoice!

            From now on, I’m eating sooo many more James Lean breakfast sammiches, and if I see someone taking the last one, I’m asking them if they’re willing to knife fight for it, cause I got the knife and I got the rope (for lashing out wrists together!). You should approach people wearing some combination of vest/tie/suit jacket with a hat and ask them, “Are you an asshole?” If they say yes, that’s me.

          • Looks like we’ve exhausted the REPLY system. I just laughed for about 5 minutes at the thought of wandering around CM asking literally every single person there “Are you an asshole?” I would probably find about 10 of you!

            I mock, but I play kickball, routinely wear leggings, and ironically drink PBR. I would probably be one of those hipster asshole except I legitimately enjoy Britney Spears (I KNOW) and would never ride a fixed gear, not because it’s too cliche, but because I just wouldn’t be able to make it up the hills. That being said, I can hold my own at the OP.

            I will start carrying a knife on my morning breakfast run just in case. I would hate for that to end up an empty threat.

  17. This reminds me of when I graduated and got like four copies of “Oh, The Places You’ll Ho”.

  18. “I guess I’m racist.” -Yoyo

  19. This reminds me why I love to use the word niggardly as much as possible.

  20. I have a picture of a black hole in my wallet.

  21. ginger kids across England are wondering what all the fuss is about

  22. it’s great that the NAACP has reached parity with the white man in giving way too much of a fuck about non-issues while ignoring the vast structural inequities in our country. mission accomplished.

  23. So, uh… where’s the formal complaint for Mudflap and Skids from Transformers 2?

  24. my understanding of astronomy is all goofed up i guess… so is this a white dwarf star?

  25. How can you call me racist? I have a picture of a black guy in my wallet” -Yoyo

  26. You think THAT’S bad!? What about that time Soundgarden did that one song back in the 90s about Black Hole Sun Won’t You Come and Wash Away the Raaaiiiin or whatever that was. Pretty offensive. Would be less racist if it were played against a montage of civil rights marches and Michael Steel the republican

  27. I can’t see the video clip for this post. Does that mean Gabe is racist for posting it incorrectly, or am I the racist because I can’t be bothered to download his blog the right way? I thought Firefox was the racist for being incompatiblegum, but I can’t see it on IE either. Maybe computers are racist. I just want to know who the racist is so I can watch the racism video. In the meantime I will watch Damages on DVD because it is racy.

  28. Gabe’s research leads to an obvious solution to this problem – to clear up any confusion, Hallmark should replace the audio with this Urban Dictionary definition of black holes:

    Everything in the univers has a cicle of existance. many people are in denile of this fact becaus the practical upshot of it is that they will, evidenly, die. on a far grander scale of thing ( though just as unapealing ) the univers itself has such a cicle. there is a point of critical mass, in which matter is comprest to the power of infinity minus one. creating a gravity well, or loop in which matter is sucked in and compressed in the same way. ( usually due to a very large colapsing star ) in the end, and at this point it quite defenetly is, the intire univers will be consumed into a very large and very compressed ball of matter. at which time it will once again reach a critical presure and explode. recreating the univers, and the pesky little criters that come with it.
    the big bang and 70′s fation.
    by The smart one

  29. I seriously heard “black hole” and was like, Now we can’t use the word “black” at all in any context? Thanks a lot, Obama! You’ve now ruined the English language by making everything about race. (Because that’s the only reason we voted for him, according to my stepdad.)

  30. Can anyone post a link to this? The link on this page here is all garbled :(

  31. Nobody made a race card joke? “I think Hallmark is playing the race card.” There.

  32. is this the first time gabe has admitted to going to grad school?? that’s what ‘advanced college’ means, right?

  33. “I would hope that a COLLEGE GRADUATE would be able to contextualize the audio of his crappy greeting card.”
    His? Tsk, tsk, Gabe. I guess you missed the Curb episode where Suzie informed Larry that women also graduate from college these days… and that he was a bald, four-eyed fuck.

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