Look, I enjoyed Avatar, but I know that it was a ham-fisted sci-fi adventure movie about Pocahantas aliens with magic sex ponytails directed by a mildly misogynistic ego-maniac with Fraggle Rock hair and an ego made from pure unobtanium. But tell that to the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT. From Reuters (via /Film):

“Titanic” director and deep sea explorer James Cameron took part in a brainstorming session with scientists, academics and Washington officials on Tuesday on how to contain the six week-old oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, environmental sources said.

U.S. agency officials said Tuesday’s meeting was “part of the federal government’s ongoing efforts to hear from stakeholders, scientists and experts from academia, government and the private sector as we continue to respond to the BP oil spill.”

Fuck. Fuck it.The government is inviting James Cameron to workshop his ideas on how to stop the Gulf Coast oil spill? You know what that means, right? We’re fucked. Boys, if you could play us out that would be great. I mean, I know that James Cameron has the world’s most extensive collection of Titanic figurines, and that one time he wore a fanny-pack to Brazil so that he could hug the jungle back together, but I am pretty sure that if the nation’s leading Actual Ocean Scientists and Trained For Real Oil Spill Disaster Relief Experts are running so thin on ideas that we are inviting “the dude who made Abyss” into the chambers of power to try and, you know, mix it up, I for one am saying goodbye to my loved ones and climbing onto the roof of my building with a life-preserver around my neck and a gun with one bullet in the chamber tucked into the waistband of my HAZMAT suit. Goodnight, nurse!

Comments (63)
  1. Spongebob Squarepants creator Stephen Hillenburg has been asked to lead a think tank on ways that the oil might be comically absorbed.

    • This was only after Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof’s plan of sending Jack Shepherd to, “put the magic cork back in the hole” failed miserably.

  2. stealing your movie premise is one thing… but to steal our monarch’s hat… that’s a step too far!

    • Uh, do you have every hat the queen wears memorized? Or do you just know her hat style well enough that upon seeing Cameron in that fluffly beauty you thought to yourself, “hmmm, that resembles an 09 style hat for her?”

      Because I assume that she wears a lot of hats (literally, not metaphorically; metaphorically, I assume she really only wears one hat).

  3. They’re not asking Kathryn Bigelow for help, which maybe refutes Sigourney Weaver’s tits hypothesis

  4. Makes good sense, actually. We’re fighting one disaster with another. Fire with fire.

  5. Wtf?I bet Kathryn Bigelow could come up with a better plan than James Fucking Cameron on about 10% of the budget.

    Democrats, always be cheatin’ the taxpayers. Amirite, teabaggers?!

  6. Nope. I’m back to being a luddite, in my basement, making bombs for BP (okay, that’s a hella program title, forget Food for Bombs (or whatever), I’m starting Bombs for BP). I really don’t want to be in a world where the solution to a hell-fucking-hole of human greed, desire, and disaster is probably going to be: “Lose the camera filming the gaping hole that is a literal metaphor for the destructive nature of our culture’s desire and replace it with a brand-new 3D camera, put special effects all over the oil and make it pretty, meaningless, bright lights that distract us from anything resembling the real.”

  7. Maybe if the old lady throws the diamond into the ocean JUST RIGHT, it’ll fall into the hole and plug it up! Because of how big the diamond is!

  8. I hope he gets some sweet underwater footage for Avatar 2!! I mean, the Gulf looks like a fairly alien scene at this point…

  9. Okay, I loved Avatar too. And Titanic. I even thought Avatar should have won the Oscar [unless The Messenger was nominated. Was it nominated? That was a really good movie.] And I know there was a lot of groaning around these parts about this movie and James Cameron. But you know what? Dude is actually really smart. Did you know he made new cameras to film Avatar? And that no other movie has ever been filmed the way Avatar was? I’m assuming that he didn’t make these cameras all by himself in his garage with parts from the ole’ scrap yard, but the fact that he produced and designed them and was able sew together live-action sequences with CGI in order to make the characters appear as lifelike as possible is pretty fucking impressive, in my humble opinion.

    Yes, it’s weird that he is being invited to help clean up the oil spill. But he obviously has a lot of technical skill. My thinking is that the government wouldn’t have invited him if they didn’t think he could do something about it. Why else would they do it? Publicity?


  10. I guess we are fucked. If they actually listen to his ideas, it’ll take ten years and a comically large budget to create an unoriginal, ham-fisted solution to the oil spill.

    At least it will be pretty, though.

  11. now they’re saying that they might not be able to stop the geyser until december, by which point basically the entire gulf is going to be oil. also, hurricane season this year is supposed to be worse than 2005, which of course was the year that brought us rita and katrina. so basically we are going to have flammable hurricanes. which is like something out of a fucking megadeath album. huzzah!

    • Since you are the only person I even e-know that lives in Louisiana, I have been concerned for your well-being. “Shit, the oil spill is still going? What will happen to southernbitch? She’s so angry about the crap state of her city already SHE WILL EXPLODE IF OIL GETS EVERYWHERE.” Sorry, I’mcreepygum.

      • hahaha! right now the oil spill isn’t affecting new orleans so much (besides the fact that when they burn it you can smell it and it is horrrrrrible), it’s the smaller communities along the gulf proper that are getting fucked. this is straight up going to destroy the economy of southeast louisiana, and then it’s going to destroy what’s left of the marsh, and then it’s going to destroy new orleans. so we have a few more months of drinking in the streets before we have to pay too much attention.

        • Yikes! Stay healthy, Lousiana/New Orleans/Southernbitch.

          PS I like you but you are so righteously angry so much. So basically I want to give you a hug but I don’t want you to bite me.

          …..*cautiously opens arms*

    • God. I was reading about that the other day. As a fellow southern monster, I’m really looking forward to a flaming hurricane flinging oil all over me and my loved ones.

      • i know. thinking about this freaks me out because last time the city flooded, that shit caught on fire anyway. and the water was super toxic already. so this is like, super foreboding for me- even more foreboding than simply thinking about summer in new orleans and the water around us already is. me and my friends sit on our porch and make jokes about what this could mean and talk about how no matter what we’ll ride out any storm (whether or not that’s a true statement, cuz we said that about gustav but we left) because what else are we supposed to do?

  12. Wow. It seems he really is the Head Motherfucker in Charge.

  13. “Dude, whatever. I’ll buy the world a new ocean. Maybe even two. I can afford it. Remember Avatar? Yeah, that was me. Titanic? Me again.”

  14. “Oil be back.”

  15. I guess now, at the ripe ol’ age of 27, is a good a time as any to quit my job and start going through my bucket list.

    Team KevCo!

  16. All the Jack haters must be feeling pretty silly right about now.

  17. I hated Avatar but I feel like the world will pelt me with stones so I don’t tell people that. The visuals blah blah blah were amazing but the movie was cliched and the acting was atrocious. “I see you” Barf.

  18. Who do you think is going to fix the problem? Poor people? Cameron wasn’t invited because of his “ideas”.

    • Maybe it’ll be like that AIDS episode of South Park and Cameron will just literally throw so much cash at it that it clogs the thing.

  19. This reminds me of when Sean Penn flew down to Katrina and took some crappy boat out into the lower ninth ward to save people. After saving no one, Penn needed to be rescued by the Coast Guard after his boat began sinking. I know this is completely different, but it just reminded me of that and I laughed.

  20. I am right in assuming James Cameron is a multi-millionaire right? That he has literally more money than most people in the world? Then why is he ALWAYS wearing a crappy thrift shop button up tucked into his dad jeans with a fannypack?

    • mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on Jun 2nd, 2010 +8

      Because a fanny pack WILL get you laid, every time. I only keep condoms in mine.

  21. I misread “stakeholders” as “skateboarders,” and given the context it took a moment to realize my mistake.

  22. I’m hoping that the brainstorming session was packed with actors for hire portraying scientists so Cameron would stop yelling at the White House through the gate at 2AM.

  23. Hey Gabe, I’m scared too. But you’ve got to know that James Cameron, such a tycoon, is an expert when it comes to underwater Remote Operated Vehicles (ROVs). He spent a lot of time working with submarines to explore the Titanic and other areas of the deep sea, developing electronics that can be functional at analyzing and correcting the gushing leak.

    So let’s let the billionaire who has an extensive history with underwater exploration in toxic situations have a try at fixing this. It’s one thing to make fun of an ego-centric Hollywood director (who is making bank for developing cinematographic magic), but please don’t make fun of scientists without doing a little digging first. I’m tired of this shit.

  24. And, honestly? Why not turn to James Cameron, since Obama seems to be tied up pushing his gay agenda on Uganda.

  25. This makes me proud that I’ve only managed to see one James Cameron movie in my lifetime.

  26. Personally, I don’t have a very high opinion of Cameron, but I’ll give him this much: he made documentaries on both the Titanic (no, not the movie with Kate Winslet) and the Bismarck. Both projects required deep water filming and exploration equipment; for comparison, the Titanic is about twice as far down as the Deepwater Horizon spill. I’m willing to bet that Cameron didn’t put on scuba gear and strap on a camera; he had to consult with deepwater experts and that includes scientists.

    So, to the White House, Cameron isn’t valuable for WHAT he knows, but for WHO he knows. Furthermore, filming underwater requires manipulating delicate mechanisms from a long way away. I’m also willing to bet that Cameron learned more about working underwater from his filming than BP has from their drilling.

    If you’re smart, and you’re in a desperate position, you don’t overlook help from even the most unlikely of sources. And if you turn down that help, YOU’RE the one who’s fucked.

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