Oh. Oh noooooo. Now, for those of you who have been keeping score, I vowed to stop writing about cast-members of The Hills a long time ago. They are honestly human garbage. I’m not saying they don’t deserve happiness in life, because even human garbage is entitled to some measure of that. But they certainly don’t deserve the attention that they are so desperately willing to do ANYTHING to get. As you can imagine, this made the Heidi Montage Face And Body Wars of 2010 incredibly difficult. Sitting on the sidelines as this LAGOON CREATURE ruined herself for just five seconds more of US Weekly GIVING A SHIT ABOUT HER was one of the saddest things I have ever seen in my entire life. Even Jocelyn Wildenstein was shaking her head (as much as she can, I’m sure her neck has reduced mobility after one too many NECK REDUCTIONS) and thinking “poor dear.” Unbelievable. Heidi Montag is the corporeal incarnation of the depths of human despair.

But so, today, the plastic faced sadness monster that is Heidi Montag joins a story that we have already been following (as a FAMILY) when she posted an “audition tape” on-line to replace Megan Fox in Transformers 3. Needless to say, don’t click through to the video if you are standing on a bridge. Because I don’t want you to throw yourself off of it!

Oh Heidi. Oh no. I’m sure the reasons why this video is a SUMMER BUMMER are obvious and don’t need spelling out, but I just got an email from my boss with a revised Job Description and it says “to spell out things that don’t need it” and so: it is well-documented that Heidi Montag knows her way around a firearm, and fair enough. We all enjoy our hobbies. But this one is kind of gross and sad, or at the very least, terrifying and terrifying. But the sad part is that she actually seems to think that women get cast in action movies by demonstrating to the director that they are ARMED AND PREPARED FOR A SERIOUS VIOLENT ENCOUNTER AGAINST MULTIPLE ATTACKERS. I mean, I’m sure she doesn’t think that. I’m sure she just believes this is a leg-up on the competition. But you know what is not a leg up on the competition? That face and body that she ruined through innumerable plastic surgeries. And it turns out face and body are much more important for movie stars than actual combat experience. Isn’t that right, Steve Buscemi and/or Paul Giamatti?

Oh, but also, ALSO, the saddest thing about this is not the video, even though the video is so sad (and so overexposed? Definitely smart to film an audition tape on a Nokia 6110). No, the saddest thing is that she submitted the video to a FAKE MICHAEL BAY TWITTER ACCOUNT. From Radar (via Vulture:

The best part is, Heidi doesn’t seem to know which Twitter page belongs to the real Michael Bay. The person who got Heidi’s post, who incidentally calls himself “the fake Michael Bay,” tweeted back to Heidi, saying “Thanks sweetheart, but how are you with Turtle wax on Ferrari paint?”

Oh gosh. Someone should really contact Heidi Montag’s doctor and have him make sure that the liquid plastic valve that keeps her cheeks looking so great (not great) hasn’t been rerouted, because I think it might be pumping directly into her brain. Just kidding. I’m sure she had the edges of her brain shaved off. “My brain is too fat, and God wants me to be perfect.” Or whatever.

Ugh. I can’t stand this. I’m sorry, everyone. Back to Heidi Montag radio silence. It was better that way. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Comments (38)
  1. Take out the guy’s intro and it looks like a death threat.

  2. Someone should have told her that a handgun won’t stop GIANT SHAPESHIFTING ROBOTS.

  3. Wouldn’t this be more impressive if she were more than 12 inches from her targets? I’ve never fired a handgun in my life, and I’m confident I could run up to six different targets and hit them at point blank range on the very first try.

  4. Silly Heidi, doesn’t she know she’s auditioning for the wrong role? She’s only a few more operations away from being a shapeshifting robot herself!

  5. She’s a shoe in for next summer’s smash hit, Transformers 3: Shot point-blank in the Torso

  6. If she had worn a homemade catwoman suit, then she could have kept us all guessing the exact level of her self-awareness, but nope.

  7. As I stated last night, I’m, pretty sure Megan Fox didn’t do much aside from look like megan fox. She didn’t shoot a gun. She may have run around, but she wasn’t cappin at Decepticons. She just made the Megan Fox face and Pouted at green Tennis Balls mounted on 20 foot tall Poles used as representations of a CG robots face.
    So on that end, Heidi, you lose.

  8. Did she mean that bullet was for Michael Bay?

  9. This Is Chris Trash Enterprises, we are submitting our special effects services for Transformer 3. This is for you Michael Bay:

  10. Heidi Montag is the corporeal incarnation of the depths of human despair.

    This might be the most depressingly accurate statement I have ever read. If you will excuse me, I think it is time to bust out the flask.

  11. OK, though: let’s make sure we understand the context: maybe Heidi is just helping her gun audition for the role of Shockwave.

    • I was drunk during the last one, but have they incorporated Beast Wars in yet? I think Heidi would make a fantastic Blackarachnia.

      Here’s the character bio from Wikipedia: Blackarachnia, A former Predacon, turned Maximal, Blackarachnia is Silverbolt’s girlfriend. She longed to become a Transmetal II, in order to survive the Beast Wars. She achieves this using the equipment Megatron used to create Dinobot II. Beast mode is a black widow spider.

      The point is Ms. Montag should just start injecting gold into her face now, ’cause she’s going to be a living Oscar by the time Michael Bay is through with her.

    • This wasn’t intended to be a reply. No more mimosas and bubble baths for me.

  12. Is Heidi not aware that movies use trick images to create the illusion that actual things are happening? Like, no one on set (and let’s be honest, she’ll never see that set) would ask her to shoot a real gun at anything? She would have been better off doing a monologue from August Wilson’s “Fences” (no she wouldn’t).

  13. If anything’s going to convince Michael Bay, it’s her ability to transform from embarrassing Southern California socialite to an inflated Southern California balloon.

  14. Has Michael Bay heard of Mandy Moore? Great girl.

  15. “She’s pretty.” -Steve Winwood

    • Who, Mandy Moore or Heidi Montag?

      Mandy Moore = Yes, she is in fact pretty.

      Heidi Montag = She USED to be pretty when she was normal. Post Frankenstein Op, not so much, frankly

  16. Poor melty face Heidi Montag. I think a audition made on an Etch-A-Sketch would have more humanity and charisma.

  17. I live in the midwest and target shooting is a past-time out here so I do part-take but it’s one of those hobbies that has me rubbing elbows with some …undesirables. Guns are like drugs in the sense that it’s fun to use them, but I don’t really want to hang out with drug dealers and people who do drugs all the time, does that make sense?

  18. If she really wanted to impress Mr. Bay, she should have used more unnecessary explosions in the middle of a highly-populated metropolitan area. Cuz we all know that’s the best place to have fight scenes…to keep the public safe…

  19. The guy who introduces Heidi at the beginning of the video: was that Karl Malden?

  20. She shoots like a girl. A fosters farms seawater-plumped chicken of a girl.

    If I was range garde, I’d be, like,
    “Mam, you have to step behind the firing line to shoot, yes mam, the yellow line fifty yards behind you.
    I’m sorry mam, but those are the rules, we don’t have a point-blank-in-the-face section of the range.
    And mam, shaking your tits at me won’t get you anywhere but behind the yellow line.”

  21. ♫ Just another Manic Montag ♪

    #stuckinmyheadfortherestoftheday

  22. You know… At THIS point I don’t know if it makes sense to be cruel about Ms. Montag’s plastic surgery. The surgery’s done. I guess it’s fair game because she’s a public figure and due a little extra scrutiny, but she SORT of seems to have some kind of dysmorphic body image issue, and she IS undergoing life-threatening surgery to “correct” what she perceives to be her flaws. For some reason, it feels wrong to publicize the idea that you think she looks bad or worse than before. She might be human garbage, but she probably wasn’t born that way.

    At the very least, maybe you could mock her in a COMPLIMENTARY way, like, “Nice fake boobs, Crazy!”

  23. two for neck flap

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