Oh. Oh noooooo. Now, for those of you who have been keeping score, I vowed to stop writing about cast-members of The Hills a long time ago. They are honestly human garbage. I’m not saying they don’t deserve happiness in life, because even human garbage is entitled to some measure of that. But they certainly don’t deserve the attention that they are so desperately willing to do ANYTHING to get. As you can imagine, this made the Heidi Montage Face And Body Wars of 2010 incredibly difficult. Sitting on the sidelines as this LAGOON CREATURE ruined herself for just five seconds more of US Weekly GIVING A SHIT ABOUT HER was one of the saddest things I have ever seen in my entire life. Even Jocelyn Wildenstein was shaking her head (as much as she can, I’m sure her neck has reduced mobility after one too many NECK REDUCTIONS) and thinking “poor dear.” Unbelievable. Heidi Montag is the corporeal incarnation of the depths of human despair.
But so, today, the plastic faced sadness monster that is Heidi Montag joins a story that we have already been following (as a FAMILY) when she posted an “audition tape” on-line to replace Megan Fox in Transformers 3. Needless to say, don’t click through to the video if you are standing on a bridge. Because I don’t want you to throw yourself off of it!
Oh Heidi. Oh no. I’m sure the reasons why this video is a SUMMER BUMMER are obvious and don’t need spelling out, but I just got an email from my boss with a revised Job Description and it says “to spell out things that don’t need it” and so: it is well-documented that Heidi Montag knows her way around a firearm, and fair enough. We all enjoy our hobbies. But this one is kind of gross and sad, or at the very least, terrifying and terrifying. But the sad part is that she actually seems to think that women get cast in action movies by demonstrating to the director that they are ARMED AND PREPARED FOR A SERIOUS VIOLENT ENCOUNTER AGAINST MULTIPLE ATTACKERS. I mean, I’m sure she doesn’t think that. I’m sure she just believes this is a leg-up on the competition. But you know what is not a leg up on the competition? That face and body that she ruined through innumerable plastic surgeries. And it turns out face and body are much more important for movie stars than actual combat experience. Isn’t that right, Steve Buscemi and/or Paul Giamatti?
Oh, but also, ALSO, the saddest thing about this is not the video, even though the video is so sad (and so overexposed? Definitely smart to film an audition tape on a Nokia 6110). No, the saddest thing is that she submitted the video to a FAKE MICHAEL BAY TWITTER ACCOUNT. From Radar (via Vulture:
The best part is, Heidi doesn’t seem to know which Twitter page belongs to the real Michael Bay. The person who got Heidi’s post, who incidentally calls himself “the fake Michael Bay,” tweeted back to Heidi, saying “Thanks sweetheart, but how are you with Turtle wax on Ferrari paint?”
Oh gosh. Someone should really contact Heidi Montag’s doctor and have him make sure that the liquid plastic valve that keeps her cheeks looking so great (not great) hasn’t been rerouted, because I think it might be pumping directly into her brain. Just kidding. I’m sure she had the edges of her brain shaved off. “My brain is too fat, and God wants me to be perfect.” Or whatever.
Ugh. I can’t stand this. I’m sorry, everyone. Back to Heidi Montag radio silence. It was better that way. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.