50centcancer1

You guys, I’m worried about 50 Cent. I think something is wrong with 50 Cent. IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE BLOG? Look at him! This is one of the worst cases of The Machinist Fever that I have seen since The Machinist. I sure hope this is just because he went on a liquid diet to prepare for the role of a football player diagnosed with cancer in a movie that he wrote himself. From 50Cent.livejournal.com:

50 Cent lost a lot of weight for his upcoming movie “Things Fall Apart”. In the movie 50 Cent plays a football player diagnosed with cancer. He dropped from 214 pounds to an astonishing 160 with a liquid diet and three-hour-a-day treadmill walks for nine weeks.

“I was starving.” Now he’s back on tour and says, “I’ve been eating. I’ll be back in shape in no time!”

Oh PHEW. It just happens to turn out that the one reasonable explanation for what is going on here happens to be the right one. I believe it’s called “Occam’s Explanation.” Also, haha, eating. Right. “One steroid sandwich please. With human-growth-hormone-and-wasabi mayo.”

Another picture of 50 Cent looking very sick after the jump:

Yikes. GET WELL SOON, 50 CENT! Maybe you should stop writing movie roles for yourself in which you have cancer. Or better yet, maybe you should stop writing movie roles. (Thanks for the tip, bird.)

Comments (73)
  1. I heard he got shot nine times.

  2. I know joking about someone’s appearance is seriously tacky, but GAHHH!!! What is going on with his head????

  3. More like 30 Cent now.

  4. After this 50 is going to bulk up and write himself a scifi movie where he’ll have the opportunity to yell at a guy walking through his lights.
    “What don’t you fucking understand, dawg! You’re trashin’ my set. I only got shot nine times! We’ve still got four shots to go!”

  5. aww 50 cent still thinks he’s a thing, isn’t that just precious

    • He’s mega wealthy. He’s, like, the majority shareholder of Vitamin Water. No joke. They have a flavor called Formula 50 that I guess he asked them to design and name after himself.

  6. This is what happens when rappers don’t have beef.

  7. I smell an Oscar!

  8. More like Glaxorglian Conomemba*, amirite?

    *Antari** for 50 Cent

    **Alien Language***

    ***Cuz Homie looks like a straight up alien

  9. “He’s considering changing his name 35 Cents”
    -Jay Leno

  10. Sadly no one will whip him anymore.

  11. 50 needs to RUUUUNNNNNNN to Sonic! (Is that still funny?)

  12. These guys might. But then, whipping is kindof their thing.

    • And this might make more sense, if it was a response to Just Désserts above. Sadly it is not, and I prove, once again, that I should not be allowed to use the internets.

  13. mydaughter'sname69  |   Posted on May 26th, 2010 +61

    The movie will be called Get Rich and Try Dying.

  14. Dear 50,

    I think your diet/treadmill routine is prehaps an unhealthy way to lose weight. May I suggest the Official Mans Workout. It is easy to stick to.

    Step 1: Eat all you want, including Swiss Cake Rolls (if they are rolled, they have to be nutritious);

    Step 2: Run 30 minutes a day. Running inlcudes jogging in place inside in your boxers while watching your wife’s “Little House on the Prairie” DVD. If you aren’t married, clips of “Moonlighting” on Youtube will do. Also remember, always round your start time up and your stop time down. No need to over do it.

    Step 3: You always need a day off between work outs. The days off count as part of the work out, so you need days off between them as well. And so on and so froth.

    Mr. Cent, I promise results in 5 to 37 weeks. You will have the sleek and hairless look that you’ve been wanting and that drives the ladies and fellas crazy.

    Call me.

    • Dare Mr. Mans,

      How does one officially join the Mans Workout? Do you sell calendar and magazines? I am interested in this service. I, too, am wanting to drive ladies and fellas crazy with a sleek and hairless look. (I didn’t see where to accomplish the hairless part of this routine, did I missread a step? If I have, could you please clarify? I would love a painless way to reach my hair-level goals.)

      I do have a few questions.

      May Klondike Bars replace Swiss Cake Rolls for nutrition? I am aware of the many health bars that are currently on the shelves, but they do not appeal to me as much as Klondike Bars. How many a day should I eat for best results?

      I am not married, and I unfortunatly never got myself into “Moonlighting.” Is MacGyver an appropriate substitute? I worry that it does not have enough romantic entanglement for the workout, but it is all available on YouTube. It is also quite edifying. Last evening I fixed my television with tape and little blocks of wood.

      Best,
      PT Smith (Age 24)

      • GREAT QUESTIONS:

        1. Hair: Why waste money on complicated dipilatory creams and home electrolysis machines when a steadfast refusal to eat any fruits or veggies will result in your hair falling out naturally, just as God intended it.

        2. Membership: This is as easy as getting on the bus, largely becuse it involves hanging out at the bus stop until you see a guy in a tracksuit with a grease-stained paper bag. He will whistle twice and walk behind the army surplus store. Follow him. He has the paperwork.

        3. Food Subsitutes: I am afraid Klondike Bars are not sanctioned by my program. Teeth that are sensitive to cold food are essential to natural beauty. If you are not up for Swiss Cake Rolls (and after WWII, who doesn’t have some qualms about the Swiss), I suggest any product by Trolli, including Trolli Strawberry Puffs.

        4. Television: Feel free to watch whatever gives makes you happy, but you want to keep the heart rate up. Ghost Adventures is a good choice–man, there are ghosts all up in here!

        Four easy payments of three bags of trash from a dumpster.

  15. “I was starving.” Now he’s back on tour and says, “I’ve been eating. I’ll be back in shape in no time!”

    When asked for comment, an 85-pound terminal cancer patient said, “Neat.”

    • As much as 50 Cent is an ass for that comment, I think the reporter was just going out of his way to make people uncomfortable by interviewing cancer patients afterwards.

  16. I don’t know if it’s bad form to repost, but I feel like I was prescient in this one. He’s clearly dying trying.

  17. “Things Fall Apart” is just a nicer way of saying shit happens. This movie should be called Shit Happens.

  18. Um… his head?

    Ammarite?

  19. I had to read “Things Fall Apart” in High School. It was about Africa and colonialism. This is not that.

    • yeah! where are all the yams?!

    • I listened to “Things Fall Apart” a lot in college. It was about the african-american experience in Philadelphia, and one of the greatest pieces of art to emerge from hip-hop culture. This is definitely not that.

    • I also read “Things Fall Apart” in high school. It is a very good book. I hope lots of people buy it under the assumption that it is the basis for this movie.

  20. he’s got a whole lot of head

  21. yay! tip! i just saw this and was so horrified. like, “oh no 50 has cancer and is dying! oh wait, he’s only supposed to LOOK like he has cancer and is dying. um.. good job?”

  22. So it’s basically Brian’s Song starring 50 Cent? I’ve got a candidate for the Gale Sayers role:

  23. Looks like it’s time to take someone to tha candeeee shop. Gonna buy you a lollipop. Gonna watch you lick it all up. Mumble mumble, sampled beats, lazy mumble.

  24. Chinua Achebe is crazy for this one

  25. also, liquid diet? why not just paint, exercise, and make hash browns?

  26. My Father tried a “liquid diet”…it led to jail time and a messy divorce.

  27. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  28. 50 knows the academy loves this stuff.
    my only question is why did all the liquid he drank go straight to his forehead?

  29. I’m probably anorexic for thinking he looks better this way.

  30. Someone please get that photo away. I can’t look at his eyebrows anymore. It looks like some dried up cocoons the butterflies left from last summer OVER HIS EYES!!!

  31. So, is Fiddy (yes, I always call him that) going to be playing Okonkwo? Things Fall Apart joke, you guys.

  32. That’s what happens when you do too much cokecstasy!

  33. I love you videogum, I hate most rappers and I hate most rap songs, I hate it when they act…
    But 50 is awesome.
    Love his music and his movies.

  34. this is 50 cent’s bid for an EGOT.

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