Sure. Why not? As the website says, “it’s not everyone that has the opportunity to be a Christian influence at 35,000 feet, but flight attendants do.” FACT. Although, I’m not entirely clear what screenplays has to do with anything? Unless screenplays is a Flight Attendants for Christ outreach program on behalf of the church of Restore Stephen Baldwin. In which case, got it. He would be perfect as Christian, teenage, Olympic hopeful, Shanalin Hart, in China Harvest.

Actual synopsis for an actual screenplay called China Harvest written by an actual Flight Attendant for Christ after the jump:

Olympic hopeful and Christian teenager, Shanalin Hart experiences a personal violation when her kidney is harvested after competing in the cup of China. Why was her kidney stolen? Was God telling her ice skating had turned into an idol? Should Shanalin hang up her skates or overcome her fears? Shanalin could have allowed her physical violation to defeat her dreams. She could have exposed the illegal China harvest against an American and caused an international incident. Instead, Shanalin chose to release her pain through the power of forgiveness, only then did she recover her courage to skate again. Unknowingly, Shanalin saved the life of her main competition and reconciled two estranged families from opposite sides of the world.

Oh wow. They better change the name of their church to Stephen Baldwin Wins All The Oscars For Acting For Christ, because this is going to be BONKERS. (Via RobertPopper.)

Comments (75)
  1. That synopsis reads like a public violation.

  2. The synopsis really glosses over the 14 minute ice kung-fu scene, which is really the heart of the whole script.

  3. How can they remain godly while being surrounded by that sinful alcohol and all those pg-13 rated movies?

  4. So it’s basically “Blades Of Glory” meets “Repo: The Genetic Opera”? Got it.

    • I was thinking more “Urban Legends: Final Cut” meets…oh idk…”Ice Angel”? Except with less resurrection, even though that would totally take this movie to next level status.

  5. This sentence makes no sense: “She could have exposed the illegal China harvest against an American and caused an international incident. ” Also the belief that she should forgive the nameless, faceless monsters who would steal a person’s kidney (American or not) instead of trying to stop them from stealing human kidneys from living humans also makes no sense. Maybe it just doesn’t make any sense because I haven’t been to church in 12 years and I forgot what it’s all about.

  6. My favorite Ice Skating themed film The Cutting Edge has taken a dark and punny turn. I can only hope Moira Kelly is attached to this project.

  7. Surely having Christian flight attendants is the WORST plan should the Rapture happen. Who is going to tell everyone to calm down and put on their oxygen masks as the world begins to end?

    • On a related note, I wouldn’t think having all your flight attendants believe with absolute conviction in a better afterlife is a good p.r. move. “If the plane loses altitude suddenly and sharply, please check the seat pocket in front of you and read from Psalms 23 verse 4…”

    • doesn’t that scene happen in Left Behind? Or am I making that up?

      . . .not that I’ve seen it, of course. . .

  8. Who names their kid Shanalin, is this secretly a Palin themed movie?

  9. “Serving God at 35,000 Feet”

    “Do You have a God Lesson that Needs to be Shared?
    Have You changed a Passenger’s Life?”

    This is either an ad recruiting flight attendants to:
    A:) Push God and develop their own God Complexes
    B:) go rogue as mobile air salesmen for a new drug called God*

    *Just a Fancy Nickname for Crack

  10. “Serving God at 35,000 feet,” eh? I know the end of that Twilight Zone episode already.

  11. Also, funny they took her Kidney since her name is… Hart.

  12. Also, Jesus only flies Oceanic.

  13. That synopsis was clearly written by an amateur as there is no clear role for Kirk Cameron. It’s almost like they don’t want their movie to get made!

  14. “give me back my kid…ney!”
    - Harrison Ford as Shanalin Hart in “China Harvest”

  15. Flight attendant is an interesting career path for Christians considering even the most even tempered among us turn into SATAN immediately after stepping on a plane. I’m not saying I once accused an elderly woman of stealing my purse that was under the seat the whole time, I’m just saying sometimes mild mannered people can go a little nuts at 35,000 feet.

  16. At 35,000 ft I can be induced to watch Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. And so my conversion to evangelical Christianity could hardly be considered out of the realm of possibility.

    • “We’ve nabbed another one! Let’s start handing Bible tracts out with booze and see what happens.” – Flight Attendants for Christ

  17. “As a Flight Attendant, how has the Lord Jesus raised you up?”

    CLEVER.

  18. China Harvest:
    what’s a kidney when you’re skating doubles with the lord?

  19. AHH! These hot towels burn like ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

  20. I bet that in its time Longboat Vikings for Loki was a pretty persuasive ministry.

  21. I guess the moral of the story is not to work hard at anything, because the minute you make something your “idol,” God will smite you. Awesome.

  22. “Well, Sandra, technically, that was not a true Salchow, because she only landed on one kidney.”
    - Scott Hamilton, 1958-2012

  23. I wonder how tolerate Airline Jesus is of male flight attendants and male figure skaters.

  24. “God-Lesson?”
    I think I saw that Futurama.


    *Spoiler Alert* You can’t hug your Children with Nuclear Arms.

  25. “Why was her kidney stolen? Was God telling her ice skating had turned into an idol?”

    an eye for and eye and a kidney for an idolatrous relationship to figure skating.

  26. I’ve always wondered why two people slip into an airplane bathroom together, and now I know why: one on one counseling. Thanks for clearing that up Flight Attendants for Christ.

  27. I’m a Jewish flight attendant. We’re Flight Attendants for the Coming Messiah.

  28. I took a little trip to the products section of the website and noticed that the main flight attendent has a CD…. not sure how Christ-like the $20 price tag is for said recording.

  29. INFORMATION ERROR!!!!
    Unless the figure skating lady is also a dead criminal, the Chinese wouldn’t harvest her kidney. I googled that shit.

    Step up your facts game, China Harvest.

  30. this is too much. china HARVEST? god punishes her for being good at ice skating?

    also the original video just made me picture people being trapped on a 7-hour flight. they get into the air, the flight attendants rub their hands together maliciously, and now the pilot won’t land until you’ve all been baptized with little plane-sized bottles of holy water.

  31. I really want to know who let all the uber-Christians on the internet. I mean look at the madness they have create: This, Christ Yoga, Christ-like Cruisin’, Christain Side Hugs, and the list goes on…..

  32. Is the Baldwin site down? I so wanted to help restore him :(

  33. That whole site is like Christian fan fiction.

  34. Flight Attendants for Doorman-to-the-Sky Damon, now that is real.

  35. Really though, this is scary because you’re stuck on a plane. You can ignore the proselytizers who knock at your door, but you can’t get away from the Christ Attendants.

  36. I should probably stop commenting. But China Harvest is actually a ministry that helps Chinese orphans. Haha what? If by “helps” they mean “steals kidneys from” and by “orphans” they mean “figure skating prodigies.”

  37. Yup, it’s definitely real all right. In that it exists and all.

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