I do love this show, you guys. It’s fun! I mean, it has really gotten ridiculous lately, and you could already kind of tell during last season’s Clockstoppers business that we were probably on a collision course with disappointment. “Two seasons after I found out the island could get dislodged from time, a disappointment surgeon fell out of the sky…and if that’s not proof of Good Grief, I don’t know what is.” Maybe even earlier than last season. Maybe Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof really have been planning this whole thing out from the beginning. Maybe they’ve known we were going to be frustrated and unsatisfied and disappointed all along. But I did get kind of bummed during last night’s episode that it’s all going to be over on Sunday. Now what are we supposed to watch? Bones? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS! Anyway, I don’t care what anyone says, last week’s episode was a Nonsense Monster, which was too bad because I had really been looking forward to it, but so this week it was nice to get back to all our old pals. The gang! Where’s Vincent? Oh shit, was Vincent on the submarine? That would explain why Sayid said “It was always going to be you, Vincent,” right before running off with that bomb. Kablong!
Anyway, OK, down to business. Enough Vincent jokes (OR IS IT?). Jack wakes up in bizarro LA and he has a cut on his neck. Hey, where did that come from? Obviously, we know that it’s some kind of weird crossover from the two realities, but it’s not like I would put it past Jack to CUT HIMSELF SLEEPING. Jack is dumb.
Jack’s son (oh right, Jack has a son!) has made breakfast, although as Jack points out, “opening a box of cereal doesn’t really count as making breakfast.” Cool dad. What a piece of shit. He’s probably just caught in the vicious cycle of parental abuse because of how his dad criticized him for not being able to make breakfast when he was a kid. Oh look, here comes Claire! Quick, everyone look surprised!
Jack’s son reminds Jack about his upcoming concert that evening. Jack is definitely going to be there. And so is his son’s mom. Oooh, mystery mom! I can’t wait to see who she is! Do you guys like how I’m pretending like I don’t know that his son’s mom is Juliette? Neat! Jack’s son’s mom has to be Juliette. Right? Right. Mystery solved. Go home, Master of Disguise, we’ve cracked the case.
NEXT MYSTERY, PLEASE. Jack gets a phone call from Oceanic Airlines telling him that they’ve found his “cargo.” Jack is like “you found my dad’s coffin?” Way to hold some customer service dude’s feet to the fire. But it’s not some customer service dude! It’s Desmond! Hi, Desmond! He says the coffin will be arriving in Los Angeles that afternoon. What are you up to, Desmond? Well, one thing that he is up to is beating the shit out of Ben.
Ouch! He explains to Ben, in between punches, that he wasn’t trying to hurt Locke when he ran him over with his car, he was only trying to get him to let go. Ben is like, “who are you?” And Desmond is like “Punch punch punch throw on the ground drive away.” Ben gets treated by the school nurse for his face. Locke comes in. Hey, Locke. Hey, Ben. Bye, Nurse. Ben explains to Locke that the man who smooshed him with his car came back to the school and beat Ben up. Locke is like, “Oh then I am going to call the police.” Hahaha. I mean, sure, that is probably the right thing to do. But don’t you think someone would have done that by now if someone wanted to do that? “Oh Locke, you think of everything. It never even crossed my mind, nor the mind of any of the school’s administrators, to call the police. Well, that’s what makes you such a good substitute high school teacher. Smarts!” Ben tells him not to call the police, because when he was getting punched, he got a glimpse of the other reality, he FELT IT, and he thinks Desmond really was trying to help Locke by smashing him into pieces with his car. Sure. Whatever. I mean, personally I think that even with a glimpse of the other side, even with FEELING IT, it would still be an incredible mental leap to believe that someone ran over someone else and left them for dead in a parking lot out of charity. But we have other things to worry about. Like WHAT ROUSSEAU IS MAKING FOR DINNER?!
Just kidding, who cares. Have fun at dinner, Ben.
Meanwhile, it doesn’t matter that Locke never called the police on Desmond because Desmond has already turned himself in. What is he up to?! Something, I bet! Of course, Detective Miles and Detective Sawyer are there. And so are Kate and Sayid. But there is no time for reminiscing about alternate times, because the crooks are being sent to county. Kate asks Detective Sawyer to let her out. HAHAHAHAH. Classic Kate. Smart strategy. Admittedly, it is Bizarro LA, so I suppose anything could happen, but it turns out that even in Bizarro LA, cops don’t let criminals out of jail just because the criminals ask to be let out. Kate says that Sawyer doesn’t look like a cop, and Sawyer makes a meaningful face like he knows what she is talking about. But he can’t know what she is talking about. Maybe he just has gas.
In the transport van, Desmond is all smiles. He promises Sayid and Kate that he can get them out of the transport van if they both promise to do something for him. Sayid promises right away because Sayid thinks it’s all some joke. He’s a trained assassin, so he knows a joke when he hears one. Kate promises too, because Sayid promised, and Kate doesn’t want to be left out of the Promise Circle. OK, they’ve promised. Stop the van. Just then, the van stops. WHAT?! How did Desmond know?! The door opens and it’s Ana Lucia.
Eww. If I was Kate or Sayid I would ask Ana Lucia to close the door and take me to jail if it meant not having to see Ana Lucia’s face anymore. Yuck. Ana Lucia wants her money. Desmond tells her that his friend is coming with it. Then he puts his suit on like a boss.
Just then Hurley pulls up in his Hummer. Hi, Hurley! He is like, “Oh, hey, it’s Ana Lucia.” Haaaaa. Desmond explains that she’s not coming with them because she’s “not ready yet.” Whoa. This is getting intense. Where are they going, anyway? Well, I don’t know where Hurley and Sayid are going. But Desmond and Kate are going to a concert. Because the key to the island and this whole show is in Jack’s son’s piano recital!
Oh, and Locke goes to Jack and says he is ready for the elective, experimental spinal surgery. High five.
Oh man, when Locke lets go, something is going to happen!!!!!!!!
Can we go back to the island now, please?!
Jack is stitching up Kate’s bullet wound. Remember how in the first episode it was Kate who was stitching up Jack? Boy, this thing has really come full circle. Just kidding. This thing has not come full circle at all. If I had to use a shape to describe the direction of this show it would be:
Kate makes a bunch of good faces. Very acting. Very stitches.
Jack, hey, just had a thought, if you have enough thread, you should definitely sew Kate’s mouth shut. No big deal. Just a suggestion. Kate is like, “Locke did this to our friends. We have to kill him.” And Jack is like, I know. Uh, you guys? I don’t know how many times I have to keep saying this, but you’re talking about a paranormal, immortal, shape-shifting smoke monster who is the incarnation of pure evil. So don’t just talk about him like he’s a dude. “We have to kill him.” Right. How about, “we have to what is he even?” Better.
Sawyer sees a life preserver and it’s almost too much for him.
Awww. “This garbage washing up on shores makes tears wash up on my face.” And now, Sawyer and Jack and Kate and Hurley head into the jungle to find Desmond.
Meanwhile, Ben! Ricardo Alperto! Miles! There you are! Where have you guys been? Oh, walking through the jungle to get to the old Dharma houses to find Ben’s hidden C4 to blow up the plane? Really? Because you shouldn’t have bothered. We all realized the plane was a non-starter, like, six episodes ago. Shame on Ricardo Alperto for seriously thinking that the Smoke Monster was ever going to leave the island on an airplane. Even I knew that from the very beginning, and I am not 600 YEARS OLD AND COVERED IN MASCARA.
They take a quick break to look at the unmarked plot of grass where Ben’s daughter Alex is buried.
Done. And now on to the C4! They get the C4 and are going to go blow up that plane (seriously, guys, let it go with this plane business) when they run into Zoe and Widmore. Oh hey! Widmore is so thirsty.
He tells them that he’s had the plane rigged with explosives since he got to the island. I really hope this means no one even mentions that fucking airplane again. I hate that thing. Ben wants to know how Widmore got back to the island. He says that Jacob invited him and convinced him of the error of his ways and told him everything he needed to know for this exact purpose. “What purpose?” Ben asks. Just then: CRACKLE ON THE WALKIE TALKIES. Hey. Wait. What purpose?! Oh well, no time for that because here comes Locke. Miles is out of there.
Makes sense. Someone has to be the new Lapidus. Bye Miles. Widmore and Zoe hide in Ben’s closet. Sure, a windowless room with one exit? With Ben guarding the door? That ought to be very safe. If anything, it’s too safe. These guys know:
Ben and Ricardo Alperto decide that it is time to face Locke, mano-e-mano-e-smoke-monster. Ricardo is like, “no sweat.” He thinks that all Locke wants is for him to join Team Locke. Whoops. It turns out all that Locke wants is to SMASH HIM.
Boy-oy-oing. Bye, Ricardo. (He’ll be back. No duh.) Locke turns back into Locke and joins Ben on the porch.
This is my favorite part of shape-shifters is when they turn from one thing into another thing and that thing happens to be wearing clothes. So great. So good at shape-shifting. That shirt looks perfect! It is just the right amount of sun-bleached, too. I wonder how long it takes as a shape-shifter to get the clothes just so. I bet when he first started shape-shifting, the Smoke Monster was always wearing brand new clothes, and people were suspicious because they were like, “Where did you get those brand new clothes? This island is in the middle of nowhere!” But now he’s got it down pat. Also, is that knife part of his body? You know what I mean? If he’s a Smoke Monster in the shape of John Locke, I just, you know, where does the knife come from? Well, I am sure this is something that will be addressed in the finale.
Locke tells Ben that he needs him to kill some people for him, and that once he leaves the island, Ben can have it all to himself. “Widmore and Zoe are in my closet!” Slow down, Ben, jeeeeeeez. Ben shows Locke in there and Locke immediately cuts Zoe’s throat in half. Why are you cutting yourself in the throat, nerd, why are you cutting yourself in the throat? Locke tells Widmore that the first thing he’s going to do when he gets off the island is kill Widmore’s daughter, unless Widmore tells him why he brought Desmond back. I hope that Locke has a little Moleskin where he’s writing down all these promises he’s making to everyone about what he’s going to do when he gets off the island. I mean, I know for sure that he definitely wants to and plans on keeping all of them, but even a Smoke Monster can forget sometimes. Widmore refuses to answer his question in front of Ben (us) and so he whispers it in Locke’s smoke ear.
Haha. FOILED AGAIN! What’s in the ear?!
Then Ben shoots him. Because of Alex. And because Ben is evil again. And now Ben wants to go kill everyone. Yuck. It just goes to show, you can take the Ben out of the hatch, but you can’t take the BEN IS SUCH A JERK!
Back in the jungle, Jack and Sawyer and Kate and Hurley are heading to the well to find Desmond when Hurley sees the ghost of Baby Jacob.
He asks Hurley to give him the satchel containing Jacob’s ashes. Hurley is like, “definitely, right away, no questions asked.” Which, actually, fair enough. What are you going to do, argue with a savage ghost child? The boy runs away and Hurley chases him, because you don’t ask savage ghost children any questions, but you do chase them. But when he gets to the clearing, Adult-Sized Jacob Ghost is there. Hi, Jacob!
This time, everyone can see him, for as long as the fire with his ashes in it is burning. Huh? OK. Yes. Fine. At this point, you know what, fine. And when the fire burns out, he will be gone forever, so he needs to find a replacement to guard the island. Sure. Yes. He says that he is going to explain everything, but then he basically just recaps last week’s episode. Then he explains that either Hurley, Jack, Kate, or Sawyer will take his place. Really? Even Kate? Well then Kate wants to know why her name was crossed out. “It’s just a line of chalk in a cave,” Jacob says. OH COME ON. Jacob. Please. Stay with us, Jacob. This whole thing is about to unravel. “Why do we need to protect the island?” Sawyer asks. “Oh, you don’t. Yeah, no, the Man in Black can leave any time. I’m just kind of goofing around with this whole thing.” I mean that is what we are approaching here.
But so, Jacob wants them all to have the one thing he never had: choice. But if none of them chooses it then the world ends? Maybe choice is not so great IN THIS PARTICULAR INSTANCE. “It’s yours if you want it, Kate,” Jacob says. Kate is like, “nah.” Jack wants it, though. Of course he does. Jack wants it so bad. Sawyer is remarkably silent.
So now it’s Jack. They go to the river. Unfortunately, the Man in Black smashed the wine 400 years ago. Water will have to do. I guess water can do now? Seems like the wine was really important last time, but fair enough. Jacob asks if Jack has a cup, and Jack is like, “I do, actually.” Haha. Phew. The fate of humanity would have really been in jeopardy if Jack didn’t have a cup, but don’t worry guys. Jack has a cup. Jacob fills the cup with river water and gives it to Jack. He drinks. So now it’s Jack. It’s not Jack, though, right? I mean, obviously, whoever is in charge of the island is going to be revealed in the finale. Something tells me this whole Jack thing is a red herring. Besides, Jack can’t even protect his arm from ridiculously awful tattoos, how is he going to protect the light? Oh well. Drink up, Jack.
Ben and Locke show up at the well where Desmond is trapped. Except that he’s not trapped there anymore. He’s gone.
Locke doesn’t care. Wait, what? Locke is happy that Desmond is alive and not in the well anymore. Huh? Why did you walk all the way to the well, then? You could have been happy from the porch! There were comfortable chairs on the porch! Ben asks why he’s happy and what Widmore said to him, and Locke says that Desmond is a failsafe in case Locke kills all of Jacob’s candidates, a final attempt to keep him on the island. And he’s happy because he’s going to find Desmond, and Desmond is going to help him do the one thing that he’s never been able to do himself:
leave the island DESTROY THE ISLAND.
Oh hell. WHICH IS IT? Do you want to leave the island or do you want to destroy the island? And didn’t you just tell Ben two hours ago that when you left the island he could have it all to himself? But now you are going to destroy it? So why is he going to keep helping you? ARGHHHHHHHHH! AND JUST WHEN THIS EPISODE WAS SO CLOSE TO NOT DRIVING ME CRAZY! Motherfuckers.