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Some people think that it is glamorous and luxurious to have a Chocolate Fountain at their fancy party. And they are right. Yum. But when I get rich and successful and it’s my turn to throw a big gala event, I’m going to have a Nicolas Cage Quotes Fountain. You can dip anything in there and it is HILARIOUS. From the Guardian UK:
Nicolas Cage has reportedly revealed that he will eat only animals who mate in a dignified fashion, a dietary preference which apparently rules out pork. According to the Sun, the Oscar-winning actor is happy to eat fish or poultry because their love lives are more decorous.
“I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales – sentient life – insects, reptiles,” says Cage, who is currently getting great reviews for his performance as a drug-addled detective in Werner Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans, a quasi-remake of Abel Ferrara’s 1992 tale of a destructive cop.
Haha. Oh boy. Here we go. But relax, Nicolas Cage, we get it, you have a fascination with animals. You don’t have to name ALL of them to make your point. “I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales, insects, reptiles, puffins, ladybugs, goats, cows, horses — sentient life — frogs, raccoons, and more examples for a long time.” To be honest, I’m much more willing to believe that Nicolas Cage only eats animals that he believes have sex in a “decorous fashion,” whatever the hell THAT means, than I am willing to believe that he is fascinated with birds and whales. No he’s not. He’s fascinated with wigs and bad screenplays.
Anyway, he goes on:
“I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds.
“But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.”
Sure, no, yes. It just makes sense. Everyone knows that chickens are the tenderest lovers. (WHAT?) Honestly, what is this man talking about? Unless the animals are having sex IN YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOU ARE EATING THEM, what does it matter how they make love? He doesn’t even mention beef, so I suppose he finds cows’ sexual congress to be so distasteful to as not even be worth mentioning. Unbelievable.
Just kidding, believable. It’s Nicolas Cage, bitch! The guys down at the docks call him Old Wig Glue because that’s what made him funny. (Thanks for the tip, @longlivemufasa.)
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What do you MEAN what is he talking about? He is talking about BIRDS, Gabe! They are DIGNIFIED!
Ke$ha is relieved to hear this.
To be fair, if I lived in seventeen castles surrounded by dinosaur skulls and albino cobras, I’d need to make some rules for myself, too.
Also: For Bad Lieutenant, which is out in the UK on Friday, he bought a snake with two heads to protect him during filming in New Orleans. The creature was later donated to a zoo. I have a two-headed snake to protect me from my own anger! MLINC!
ML is also NC!
Horray, my first tip!!
I’m so happy right now, I’m going to celebrate with a BIG feed of whatever animals I believe have sex decorously enough for my liking.
And don’t even get Nicholas Cage started on eggs! They are so mean and selfish in bed! See this t-shirt design:
Wait, would a chicken having sex with an egg be incestuous? I never realized this picture could be a plot line on Gossip Girl.
It doesn’t have to be her egg.
She was operating on her son!
it’s not just for chinese dishes and paul simon songs anymore.
This is going to be gross, so don’t read it.
But a chicken having sex with an egg isn’t exactly “incestuous;” it’ would be analogous to a woman having sex with macrobiotic, vaginal discharge. Sorry.
I’m starting to believe that any performance of his that requires being “drug-addled” is not reallly acting on his part. Obviously this is just his brain in everyday life.
Am I the only one that loves that he used the word “fowl”? I love when people bring back words that have fallen out of the vernacular.
I really want to make some kind of fowl/foul joke, but I’m too hungover to make it happen.
Keep decorously fucking that chicken.
Yes!
Agreed, brilliant
He’s obviously never seen “Pink Flamingos.”
Great, are you going to make me google “how pigs have sex” now?
I’m pretty Sure the Males have 30 Min orgasms or something absurd like that…
male fish shoot their loads in the general direction of female fish, a bee’s dick explodes and snaps off in the queen, and birds press their assholes together. dignified animal sex in a nutshell.
in a nutshell, that’s what nick cage calls “dignified sex”
It’s also the only way he be makin’ love…. oh, may his dick snap off in a queen bee!!!!
I think what he meant by “decorous sex” as applies to bees, is that they mate without actually touching, because that is gross and unholy. I really don’t know what he meant about chickens. They fuck just like you’d expect: like screeching flapping chickens.
Whoops, I meant fish. I don’t know how bees mate. Isn’t it just the queen bee who lays the eggs?
“Nobody cares, Napoleon.” – Everyone
I like how “birds press their assholes together” sounds like how a foul-mouthed 1st grader explains sex to his classmates.
You mean “fowl-mouthed 1st-grader”.
Booooooooooooooooooooo (I upvoted you).
I almost typed in “no pun intended” but, no, it was very much intended!
Nick Cage once Google image searched ‘Miss Piggy Sex’ and has not been able to look at a spiral cut ham since.
Who is the lady that wears the animal puppet costumes and has sex with other animal puppets and wins tons of accolades? That is Nic Cage’s girl friend.
Isabella Rossellini! The show is called Green Porno and it’s amazing.
HAHAHAHAHA I HATE HIM SO MUCH.
I’m deeply concerned, on many levels. Basically, he doesn’t like how mammals have sex. Nicolas Cage is, at least as far as we know, a mammal. So, is he ashamed and disgusted by his own, undecorous sex, or does he attempt to have sex in a non-mammalian, decorous style.
The deepest layer of my concern is that I am thinking about Nicolas Cage’s sex life.
Nope, it got deeper. I’m thinking about how his wig habits come into play.
Thankfully, Nic Cage stopped eating human YEARS Ago
Thanks for bringing us all here. Now I’m trying to make the cleverest comment about how Nic Cage must have spawned that kid he fucking named after Superman.
I’m thinking he carried the fetus around on his feet like he was an Emperor Penguin. You know that cocksucker finds the drama of their life cycle (not to mention the lordly name!) positively DECOROUS.
My question is: does he have a wig for pubic hair… because it sure looks like he got his wigs mixed up!
Merkin. The word is merkin. And the answer is yes, yes he does.
I wonder if he also takes into consideration the sex lives of the animals that go into the pounds of foundation he slathers all over his face every morning?
No, for that he chooses based upon their eating habits.
Nic Cage has lots and lots of charts in his house (castle) to keep track of this stuff.
Oh Yeah? Well, I only eat animals that have sex in a dignified fashion AFTER THEY ARE MARRIED. Thank you BIBLE.
Love me (chicken) tender.
Two levels on that one, there, face king.
“I’ll have a bee encrusted seahorse with spicy ostrich sauce… to go.”
- Nick Cage
Does this mean Nicholas Cage is to be found in farmyards at night, spying on animals? Could he possibly be… Bunnicula?!
The Rabbit? No way! Carrots have the nastiest sex of all the vegetables.
Just ask this guy:
Pro Tip: do not google carrot sex.
(why would you?)
This guy sort of makes me queasy to look at. Sorry carrot top. I know you’re a real human being, but don’t let people take photos of you.
And if he’s just going to pencil in his eyebrows, why that color? DId he forget his own name and the reasoning behind it? What the fuck?
Why isn’t Nic Cage ruling the world yet? With that hair, and his sensible logic for choosing how to eat his meat, he would be the perfect candidate to run our planet.
Vote Cage for World Leader!!
Fun fact: Nicholas Cage and I share a birthday. It’s always made me uneasy for some reason.
I can think of numerous reasons. Though I will always have a fondness for Nic Cage and particularly his hair in Con Air.
I share a b-day with Angelina Jolie, which is only one of the many things Angie and I have in common, obvs.
You know that you are in trouble when the Guardian reporter follows all your quotes with praise for how realistically you portray a crazy crack-head.
Was this his way of outing himself as some kind of furry?
He should change his name to Nicolas Free-Range.
I know why the Cage guy says so much crazy shit.
Nic Cage knows how the caged bird fucks
The second one, because cussing.
Despite all my rage, I am still just a decorously copulating chicken being eaten by Nic Cage?
Nope, both of yours were much better.
Am I to be like A Clockwork Fuckingchicken?
Okay, I’ll see myself out.
Not to be a Steve, but just want to point out that I actually cussed in both attempts.
But I agree that the second one was better, and I wish I had thought about that one a little longer. oh well, next time. caged bird references are pretty easy to pull out of my ass (cussing!).
Thanks for the compliment. A for effort to you too my friend.
I would have gone with “Nicholas Cage-free.”
Thank goodness for this, because now I now he’ll have absolutely nothing to do with me when his inevitable cannibal phase kicks in.
He has a fascination with sentient life, you know, a fascination with eating it.
I only eat animals whose heads have been blown off by Bazookas.
I can personally vouch for Nic Cage’s fascination with bugs.
Go on…
“I wasn’t like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere’s a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who’s a hero. The music he’s created over the years, I don’t really listen to it, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I’m selling? No. Do I know what I’m doing today? No. But I’m here, and I’m gonna give it my best shot.”
- Nicolas Cage
Snails! He can put live snails in his mouth and wait for the ‘magic’ to happen. They, like mate with each other, umm, bisexualy? Fullhomo? Uh, total hermaphrodite? With the boy parts and the girl parts on, like, both the snails working at the same time? Something like that. I’d have to watch the nature channel a bit more for the technical term.
As Nic chomps down his meal of ‘love’, he can say “Look at that S-car-go in my mouth!”
He must be eating live fowl, otherwise Cage advocates chicken sexual slavery. Also most fish give birth by leaving their unfertilized eggs out in the open for any douche-fish to just come and fertilize it… so i guess Nic Cage is all for that.
He can have all the bees he wants however.
You know that’s how the black plague started back in the day – it was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone’s backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.
–
Kenny PowersNic CageI’m really stuck on this: “who is currently getting great reviews for his performance as a drug-addled detective in Werner Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans.” Is that a real movie title? Is this a real, serious movie in which someone could receive critical acclaim for their performance? It’s a sincere question. I very much want to mock it, but…I mean, maybe that’s out of line?
If only there were some way of finding out… maybe some kind of “magic box” we could type a word into, and at the touch of a button, learn so much about the world around us…
That whole sentence is terribly longwinded
All this animal-fucking must be theoretical, because if Nicholas Cage is eating animals, he is eating ones that were created through artificial insemination; no sexual congress required (allowed).
That’s why he only likes the tuna with dolphin, because they’re dignified and they deserve it.
He’s on the Roman Polanski diet.
Could it be that all this crazy talk is part of a diabolical murder plot to which he will plead insanity? It’s a pretty good defense, because, look at the guy.
Where do whales, insects, and reptiles fit into Cage’s Decorum Continuum? OR IS IT a continuum at all?
He must have been crazy to say this…
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