“You reap what you sow. What goes around comes around. No matter how far you run, you can never truly escape. Everything catches up to you in the end, and when it does, it usually kicks your ass.” So says the opening voice over in the season 3 finale of Gossip Girl. Good string of bland platitudes! My favorite thing about that string of bland platitudes is that it had the right number of bland platitudes in it. Any fewer and I probably wouldn’t have understood what she was talking about. But by the fourth one I definitely STARTED to get it. Like Lost, I am sure viewers will be puzzling over this opening voice over for years after the show ends. Speaking of Lost, did anyone else notice how at multiple points in last night’s episode Blair would say things like “We have to get off this island!”? Relax, Gossip Girl. There is no mystery to you. No one has any questions. And when you do finally go off the air, it will only be a cultural event insofar as we will experience a momentary sigh of relief before forgetting that this whole thing ever happened in the first place. Juliette did it! The bomb worked!

In any case, the episode’s opening voice over is a lie. Because on this show you do not reap what you sow. What goes around does not come around. And when things catch up to you, they just refill your glass of scotch.

Rufus doesn’t know what to do about Jenny, who is suddenly considered out of control. Wait, what? I mean, last year she ran away from home and dropped out of school. This year she sold drugs and tried to rape Nate. At what point was she IN control? Oh, but so, Jenny spent the night with Nate while Serena spent the night with Dan. OH NO! But they are all teenagers in casual, three-week-old romantic relationships! What will happen to their casual, three-week-old romantic adolescent relationships that literally don’t mean ANYTHING whatsoever? Meanwhile, Chuck has given Blair an ultimatum to meet him at the top of the Empire State Building at 7 o-clock or he will “close [his] heart to [her] forever.” Later, he will claim that he did “the most romantic thing” he could think of. Sure. Because melodramatic pop-culture-referential romantic ultimatums with deadlines and threats are super romantic. SWOON, I’M SURE.

Blair, of course, can’t keep her shit together. At brunch with her mom and Wallace Shawn (bagel with lox in hand because JEW) she is like “All I know is that I hate the Empire State Building.” Ugh. GET A GRIP, BLAIR. Dorota is like “the Empire State Building loves you, and you would hate to not have the Empire State Building in your life.” Ugh. You, too, Dorota? Is it possible for a baby in utero to poison the mother’s brain? Blair demands that Dorota keep her away from the Empire State Building all day, because this is a show about cartoon characters in a world drawn by confused and lonely children.

Meanwhile, Jenny sees Dan and Serena in bed together and decides that this is just what she needs to get Nate’s dick in her mouth. I mean, sorry, that is super crude. But you know what else is crude? This show. In particular, it is kind of gross that Jenny would post a gossip blast about her own brother in order to further her own bizarre romantic interest in her ex-boyfriend, but it is equally odd that Dan spent the night in bed with his STEP-SISTER. And on and on. Until everyone’s got Nate’s dick in their mouth. Because this show won’t stop fucking us in the face.

Dan wakes up and solves the case.

Encyclopedia Clown over here. I take it back, this show is full of mysteries like Lost. For starters, WHO WRITES THEIR NAME ON THEIR DISPOSABLE COFFEE CUP IN SHARPIE? And for seconders, WHO ELSE DID DAN THINK TOOK A CELL PHONE PICTURE OF HIM IN HIS ROOM SLEEPING AND SENT IT TO A GOSSIP WEBSITE THAT ONLY HE AND SIX OF HIS FRIENDS CARE ABOUT? “For awhile, I thought it was Rufus. Or the Korean guy who owns the bodega on the corner. But those turned out to be red herrings.” Dan. Hate him.

So now Serena’s relationship with Nate is on the rocks. Good. Nate deserves better. Seriously. He is the only character on this show with any kind of moral center. It’s a gooey, tepid moral center, but it is a moral center nevertheless. Fast forward to later in the hospital (long story, boring story, Dorota story) and Nate and Serena break up in the cafeteria. She is like “I just need some time to figure things out.” Good idea, Serena. You should definitely take some time to figure things out. In the ocean. Jump into the ocean and swim to the bottom. Maybe there will be answers there! “You are a fucking asshole” — fish. Later on, when she is getting ready to go to Paris with Blair, because this show is basically a joke, Blair reminds her that she didn’t go to college and hasn’t had a job all year, so she’s not really sure what MORE time there is for her to take to figure things out. It’s true. There are only 24-hours of free time in a day. Although Serena has been using most of them BEING A BITCH.

Dan is in love with Serena now again? He can have her. They should go live in a shoe at the bottom of the ocean. I hope they have a bunch of slug babies and raise a family of stupid garbage slugs. And I hope they fight all the time and fuck each other’s parents.

Blair gives in and goes to the Empire State Building because she loves the Empire State Building and wants the Empire State Building in her life. But she is too late. The flowers are in the trash can, and Mr. Chuck is nowhere to be found. Ooooh, maybe he jumped off the building! Oh, no luck. He is back at his hotel, fucking Jenny Humphrey. Hahahah. What? I mean, I know that Chuck loves to GET IT WET. And as we were told at the beginning of the episode, what goes around comes around, and Chuck did try to rape Jenny Humphrey in the first episode of season one. (So does that mean this is the last episode, please?) But also that took, like, 10 minutes. Also, at one point, Blair was not going to go to the building anyway because she felt a duty to stay with Dorota while she was having her baby. You know how it is when you are a Russian housemaid and your boss’s daughter and ALL OF HER FRIENDS and EVEN SOME OF HER ENEMIES come to your hospital room while you are having a baby, maybe because there is no doctor in there?

Would someone call a doctor? Just kidding, I DON’T CARE. But my point is, if Blair has decided she loves Chuck and wants to be with him, HOW ABOUT CALLING CHUCK. I’m pretty sure that he would be amenable. “Hey, sorry I can’t make it to the top of the Empire State Building, but that’s retarded, and I am in love with you like an adult, not like a Nora Ephron character. So let’s just be in love now.” Instead, she does not call him. She just shows up. And Chuck is like WHOOOOOPS. Because Jenny is in the other room, BLEEDING FROM HER VAGINA. (I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. But you know who SHOULD BE SORRY? Josh Schwartz. Get him!)

Eventually, everyone finds out. Dan punches Chuck. Blair threatens Jenny. Serena farts super loud. Rufus goes to jail. Lily gets cancer for real this time. Georgina something something. Dorota baby. Nate hair. WHATEVER. When Dan finds out that Serena is going to Paris, HE LOGS ONTO AIRFRANCE.COM. Right. Definitely. Georgina shows up wearing the fat suit from Nutty Professor II: The Klumps and tells him that she is pregnant. Nate starts having hooker sex with some of the ugliest girls ever, seriously, no offense if either of them somehow end up reading this, but you were weird looking and it kind of seemed like maybe your dad pulled some strings to get you on this show and I bet Chace Crawford made you eat a whole tin of Altoids before kissing you.

But of course the real cliffhanger: Chuck Bass gets shot in Prague and the wedding ring he was going to give to Blair is stolen from him.


We are also going to need a bigger coffin. Because I’m sure that Chuck is dead, just like this show is dead. Next season he’ll probably be CAGE FIGHTING THE ANGELS. Enough. Put them all in the ground. REST IN PIECES.

Comments (39)
  1. I stopped watching 3 episodes ago and ALL OF THIS HAPPENED? Oh well, by the premiere everything will get restored like nothing happened.

  2. blair’s mom acted like she was going to steal dorota’s baby. she didn’t even take care of her own baby.

  3. trying to decide which one is Chuck, are they all Chuck, we’re all Chuck for watching this and thus being the worst

  4. The best part of the episode was when the security guard at the top of the Empire State Building just flat-out ignored Blair.

    • “Have you seen a man with a tuxedo, possibly a bouquet of peonies?”
      “Bitch, I am a security guard. I have a cheating wife and grandkids and see this shit every day. Got real old thirty years ago.”

  5. Is this show on the WB or upn 9?

  6. How about you (Gabe) cover the Vampire Diaries for us next season?
    Just an idea.

  7. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  8. I don’t know how old Jenny is, but is she really all that much younger than the other characters were when they first had sex?

    • Right? Say she’s two years younger, which would make sense (“Sense”. Gossip Girl. They go together.). That means she’s now the same age they all were on season one? When they were all sleeping around all over the place?

      • But unlike the rest of these whores, she wanted her first time to be sp-sp-special!!!!

        Actually, it’s a pretty gross parallel with Blair’s first time, which was also with Chuck, when she was feeling not-herself. Although that “not-herself” feeling was freedom from her cage of manners, rather than addict-style rock bottom.

        • Basically Chuck takes girls who wanted their first times to be ~special~ and ~meaningful~ and fucks that right out of them. Chuck is a gentleman. A rapist, but a classy gentlemanly rapist.

    • Also, why does Dan care? Two episodes ago he was agreeing that she was a total slut!

      • What a wonderful supportive brother! These people are all wonderful, I want them to be my friends. So I can invite them all to a big cocktail party and poison all their cocktails. I throw some great parties.


    Uh, baristas? Who then call out those names and hand that person their coffee? Them?

    • Gabe doesn’t get these fancy coffee drinks and starts everyday off with a bran muffin a cup of black coffee

    • Yeah, but the idea that a barista would spell anyone’s name correctly is just bonkers.

    • That was pretty funny.

      But just want to also say: Gabe you’re doing such a great job! Shake it off. I am always impressed by how much content you produce everyday. I do not envy you expecially since it seems like a job that would easily take over ones life. You seem to rarely be “off duty.”

      Okay, I’ll stop. Cause you probably don’t need a mom-like pep talk from someone young enough to be your granddaughter. Say hi to Granny for me!

      • I’d also like to congratulate Gabe. I just spent three weeks without Videogum, and as I caught up last night I felt like a hole, in my soul, that had been killing me forever (three weeks), a place where a flower never grows (flowers shouldn’t grow inside of you, see a doctor), was now finally filled again. And I will miss these recaps, but Gabe’s mental stability is more important than Gossip Girl. That’s saying a lot! Live long and prosper, Gabe!

  10. After reading this I went on YouTube to watch the ending clip of the show, thinking “No way the ending was that fucked up!”

    My computer crashed.

  11. Grossest line of the episode: “Dorota’s water may not be the only thing breaking tonight.”
    Yuck, Gossip Girl. Yuck. I know you’re talking about hearts (side note: ugh), but you are also talking about Jenny Humphrey, and that is super uncomfortable.

  12. Talk about crude! I almost vommed a little when Jenny noticed her V blood on the bed sheets and ripped them off. Was that really necessary GG writers? I think we were all smart enough (or at least were before watching this episode) to know what just happened.

    On another note, it’d be greatly appreciated if Chuck would come back as a vampire next season. Haven’t seen this Vampire Diaries thing but think maybe a little crossover action couldn’t hurt.

  13. i saw the real life version of the keebler elf guy and the real life version of jenny humphrey the garbage monster at pianos tonight! along with the real life version of the whole gossip girl crew. except of course, it being real life, no one was nearly as attractive as anyone on gossip girl. they looked just as much the worst as their teen soap opera inspirations. they were wasted and obnoxious, no duh. seriously though, fake keebler elf had gross hair just like the guy on the show. and his fake jenny garbage monster girlfriend could have been a body double for real jenny, right down to the increasingly ratty blonde extensions. the two of them being all hot for each garbage other made me giggle all night. well, that and fake keebler elf’s hair.

    on the plus side though, the bands were awesome!

    and i hope chuck stays dead! no offense to him personally. i hope that the whole next season they kill off one character per episode. like some kind of final destination shit. the more gruesome, the better! no one left standing! that is what i would do if i were writing this show. [hey the people in charge of tv, i could totally do that. i am unemployed again!]

  14. The winner of the season is Ed Westwick… if he gets to stay dead. Also, maybe Taylor Momsen if she wasn’t making an epic rock album and flicking switch blades in my face.

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